cancer sun, scorp moon...bloody nightmare

so i've been seeing this crabman for about 5 months now. most times it's been great. we get on brilliantly. BUT there are some issues that have arisen over the last few weeks which keep leading us to an impasse and i'm not sure i've got the energy to go any further with it all.

firstly he has fallen out with my teenage daughter. his behaviour when he's drunk has been agressive towards her and although i know he's like it with everyone and it's only him gobbing off under the influence...she's a child and doesn't get it and he's also never had kids so he doesn't get it either. so we've seen eachother without her being around so as not to upset her...cos he's not prepared to bend a little to accommodate a teenager with an under developed sense of humour and i have no choice but to protect her.

the other issue is his constantly suspicious mind. i've told him that i'm just not capable of the stuff he suspsects me of doing and that he should learn to trust me more but it just seems impossible for him to do.

he seems to store things that arouse his suspicions and he doesn't say anything until he gets to a point where it all comes out in a fucked up way.

example: tonight he was telling me catagorically i had taken a call from a platonic male friend of mine on a certain day and had terminated the call cos i said i was in a 'business meeting'. i remember the occasion and it was the first time i'd seen the crab after a big bust up and tbh, i didn't know if i wanted to see him any more. he was pissed off that i'd not said i was lunching with my boyfriend but he was saying this call took place on a day when we'd made amends and everything was fine.

i have the call log and i showed him when the call came and how long it lasted and as far as i was concerned proven to him that it was in fact on the first day after the bust up but he absolutely won't have it....telling me it was the day after and we'd been holding hands and smooching when the call came. that wasn't the case at all.

he's a heavy drinker in his late 40s and consequently his memory is shot to pieces which he admits but rather than giving me credit for knowing exactly when and at what time this call took place, he's taken it upon himself to call me a bullshitting liar....all at the top of his voice in our local bar.

WTF!!! what is his deal with not listening to reason and flying off the handle like that—??

Posted by R1g0rM0rT1s


i have the call log and i showed him when the call came and how long it lasted and as far as i was concerned proven to him that it was in fact on the first day after the bust up but he absolutely won't have it....telling me it was the day after and we'd been holding hands and smooching when the call came. that wasn't the case at all.

It looks like you need to look at your own maturity level and ability to be in a healthy relationship if you're willing to bend to someone's will or insecurities like this. You probably belong with someone like that at this point. If he's not that bad, maybe try to make it stick until you can't take it anymore or he improves. You don't seem too miserable, I guess. Maybe you see his obsessions as love or passion?

Good idea to keep your daughter away from someone like that, too. Good move

You're very pretty, by the way.

All I see are raging red flags. Hell, how he acts around your DAUGHTER says a lot! Why would you continue to date someone like that if he acts like a dick to your kid? Then you say that he's a heavy drinker, so this bs isn't likely to change and happen too often.

I find it very telling about your character that your idea of keeping your daughter "safe" is to continue to see this guy, but away from her. What if this gets more serious and you stick around? Ultimately, your daughter will have to be involved at some point or another. You're not keeping her safe at all, really.

Use some common sense. Don't be so desperate to keep this guy around, chica. There are better men out there.

Remember, their true selves come out at about the third month. The facade breaks down and you start to see the real them. This guy is showing his true colors.

i honestly don't know. i've been questioning why i attract this kind of man who is actually very similar to my ex husband in the sense that he is always right, his suspicions always well founded and his aggression alcohol fuelled. that is clearly my issue in this.

i also don't know why i continue to see someone who has no room for my kids when they are the centre of my universe.

i don't know anything right now. i continue to disappoint myself and i continue to let my kids down by allowing it to continue. i just feel like a schmuck and i don't have any excuses for it 😢

he keeps doing this and bringing things up out of the blue that he's obviously been brooding on. i know he loves me and in the main he's a wonderful person. the keeping him away from my daughter was supposed to be a temporary measure until he learned how to behave in her company but he's too stubborn to change and i was stupid to believe he would. i told him that he can't love me without loving them but he clearly thinks he can.

despite being a scorpio i'm just not the jealous type. i don't behave in a way that i feel should arouse his suspicions but i do know that i won't do what i did in my marriage and become someone i'm not just to keep the peace.

i have to let him go.

i think i'm just too lonely to make wise decisions.

He's in his late 40s. The asshole isn't changing for anyone.

Guys will not change. Don't expect them to change for you unless they WANT to. If they don't, then what you see is what you get. Sitting around on your hands and waiting for them to do so makes you look like a fool.

Also, stop letting loneliness define who you are. Go work on that a bit before jumping into a relationship. Women who rely on relationships to make them happy have some serious soul searching to do. Don't be weak.

Posted by R1g0rM0rT1s
i've been questioning why i attract this kind of man who is actually very similar to my ex husband in the sense that he is always right, his suspicions always well founded and his aggression alcohol fuelled. that is clearly my issue in this.

I hate to say this (because I'm not trying to be a bitch, but from what I have witnessed of you - you are open to hearing such things without too much of a backlash 😉 So I will say it.)

You attract it because you seek it. Somewhere inside of you, you feel this is the type of man you deserve. Until you crack the code of why you think that, and realize that nobody deserves such things, you will continue to seek AND attract it. Let's be honest, you're a kickass looking lady with a lot to offer in so many ways - and you ONLY attract losers like this? I highly doubt that, but you aren't seeing the others because there is a part of you that either needs this drama, or you feel you don't deserve better. OR you simply don't know how to be in a healthy relationship because you are so used to this unhealthy stuff you "attract"/seek out.

You are stuck on feelings and emotions - when the foundation clearly isn't there in a mature/adult fashion. The feelings and emotion are secondary to fundamentals in any adult relationship. No? Otherwise, this is the type of behaviour you should expect from men, and from yourself. Look at it, does it all not seem very high-school drama like to you?

Your words about being '"too lonely" to something something'... sums it all up in my head, you are excusing rational, and logical adult decisions because you think you need love from someone else - and in that you've made it ok that the someone else doesn't have to be an actual man. I say this all with a lot of respect, and non-judgemental-ness. I'm just trying to point out in different words, what I'm sure has been mentioned before. Sometimes you can hear the same thing 99 ways, and the hundredth way just resonates.... I wish you well... :\

Posted by rockyroadicecream
He's in his late 40s. The asshole isn't changing for anyone.

Guys will not change. Don't expect them to change for you unless they WANT to. If they don't, then what you see is what you get. Sitting around on your hands and waiting for them to do so makes you look like a fool.

Also, stop letting loneliness define who you are. Go work on that a bit before jumping into a relationship. Women who rely on relationships to make them happy have some serious soul searching to do. Don't be weak.

i take that on board totally although i don't rely on relationships to make me happy which is why i've been single for 5 years. in fact, i've realised that i've relinquished any chance of happiness with this relationship and i was happier on my own when things were less complicated. i don't jump into relationships...i'm a very slow burner in that regard but i DO fail to see obvious signals cos i don't want to see them i guess.

just before christmas i flew my daughter back to the uk to spend the holidays with her father. it was a flying visit and i literally didn't leave the airport before flying back to spain 14 hours later. i hadn't taken my blackberry charger as i knew i wouldn't be able to plug it in anywhere and so i'd switched it off to conserve battery. when i got back to spain and switched it on the cancerian had made several calls and left a string of text messages. he thought that i wasn't coming back. one of those messages said that i would have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life....i remember laughing it off.....what a dumbfuck!

Posted by seraph

Posted by rockyroadicecream
Women who rely on relationships to make them happy have some serious soul searching to do.

This should be tattooed on peens everywhere.

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hahahah.... I just wanted to fix your words seraph 😄

Posted by deezie

Posted by R1g0rM0rT1s
i've been questioning why i attract this kind of man who is actually very similar to my ex husband in the sense that he is always right, his suspicions always well founded and his aggression alcohol fuelled. that is clearly my issue in this.

I hate to say this (because I'm not trying to be a bitch, but from what I have witnessed of you - you are open to hearing such things without too much of a backlash 😉 So I will say it.)

You attract it because you seek it. Somewhere inside of you, you feel this is the type of man you deserve. Until you crack the code of why you think that, and realize that nobody deserves such things, you will continue to seek AND attract it. Let's be honest, you're a kickass looking lady with a lot to offer in so many ways - and you ONLY attract losers like this? I highly doubt that, but you aren't seeing the others because there is a part of you that either needs this drama, or you feel you don't deserve better. OR you simply don't know how to be in a healthy relationship because you are so used to this unhealthy stuff you "attract"/seek out.

You are stuck on feelings and emotions - when the foundation clearly isn't there in a mature/adult fashion. The feelings and emotion are secondary to fundamentals in any adult relationship. No? Otherwise, this is the type of behaviour you should expect from men, and from yourself. Look at it, does it all not seem very high-school drama like to you?

Your words about being '"too lonely" to something something'... sums it all up in my head, you are excusing rational, and logical adult decisions because you think you need love from someone else - and in that you've made it ok that the someone else doesn't have to be an actual man. I say this all with a lot of respect, and non-judgemental-ness. I'm just trying to point out in different words, what I'm sure has been mentioned before. Sometimes you can hear the same thing 99 ways, and the hundredth way just resonates.... I wish you well... :\

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i like people to shoot from the hip and say it as it is and so i thank you for that. (i don't understand how people react to criticism on dxp most of the time cos what's the point of asking for opinions if you're not prepared to hear them, lol)

excuses, excuses....that's m

excuses, excuses....that's me all over and i catch myself doing it too. i have an excuse for their behaviour and an excuse for my own. jeeeeeeez how old do you have to be before you fucking LEARN!!!

and thank you seraph for hammering the point home once again. please don't think i'm obtuse or that i have disregarded your advice in the past because i value everything you say to me but i guess it's the same for everyone....you have to find out the hard way and by god do i know how to do that LOL!!

hahah silly scorpio 😛 - stop being so harmful to yourself!! You guys seem to loveeee to endure pain and hardship - but the sad thing is bringing it on yourself. Just endure the shit that you HAVE to. Don't make things extra hard by inviting it in!
Everything doesn't have to be sooooooo hard lady!

i imagined you swishing your mane when you said that LOL!! l'oreal leo.

Posted by seraph

Posted by R1g0rM0rT1s
i imagined you swishing your mane when you said that LOL!! l'oreal leo.

Hehe . . . I used to have big hair years ago. I prefer it shorter these days. My hair grows very straight and it was often hard to tame.

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LOL!! i sympathise cos my hair is naturally ENORMOUS!! i have to straighten it to within an inch of its life cos otherwise i look like medusa.

he hasn't met my son yet as he lives in the uk but obviously he talks to his sister. he doesn't just treat my daughter mean, he's like it with everyone when he's had a drink but obviously adults take it all with a pinch of salt. he just gets shouty and calls people names but she obviously takes it seriously being just 13.

i've explained this to the crab and also that my daughter was seriously affected by the breakdown of my marriage when my ex husband spent 18 months pressurising me to take him back. he would come to the house drunk and smash everything up around us while she screamed at him to stop. that was all alcohol fuelled too and so naturally, she has a problem with people who drink too much as a result.

the crab said he understood that as his father had been an alcoholic and that's why he said he would keep away from my daughter when he'd had a drink. he accepts he has no control when he's drunk but it's not a solution is it cos he just shouldn't drink to excess. i know he won't change though cos he doesn't want to.

i have to drop him....i wasn't in any doubt about that after last night particularly. there is no rationalising with a drinker but the worst thing from my point of view is that they never remember the pain and hurt they cause and so never own it and never apologise.

there's no way back from this as far as i'm concerned. i'm just pretty pissed off with myself for not KNOWING it was gonna end this way.

Posted by NoComply

He's aggressive towards your daughter and won't bend or change his ways to accommodate her, so how do you ever expect you to all be a family together?? Is this sneaking around and continuously having to prove your trust so someone who won't believe it really what you want—?

For some reason it seems that you don't feel you deserve to be happy with a good man who treats you with respect, which is why you are with somebody like him.

no it's not what i want and that's why i've ended it.

i saw him today...just in passing..and he has absolutely no recollection of events. shocker. despite that he clearly still thinks he's in the right and i haven't got the foggiest how he's reached that conclusion. oh well....no skin of my nose really. i had held back in being emotionally invested in him and so to not see him any more will make no difference to my life.

consequently me and my daughter have spent a fab day together and i've reminded myself where my true priorities are.

his loss.

Posted by crabcakesandmayo
I didn't even read past the line about him having a fallout with your daughter. I have left a guy for not liking my dog...

He won't change. Unless he wants to.

it's funny you should say that cos he also has an issue with me having a dog although he regularly buys her treats nevertheless just as he has an issue with my daughter but decorated her bedroom and has bought her some thoughtful gifts too. a man of contradictions it seems but ultimately, not prepared to change.

^^^exactly. a moody drunk is always gonna be moody. my ex husband was the same but these days he absolutely doesn't drink and has become mr wonderful for someone else. i do believe people with addiction problems can change but they have to want to. this crab has no intention. i have my answer i think.

the scorp moon aspect is a little too intense for me. i like a quiet life without constant random emotional explosions.

ahh cancer sun scorpio mooners. THe one i have a relationship with for 2 years is mr Right in a sense that he doesnt drink and smoke and very philosophical. But he definitely likes to create emotional dramas, which i have been riding for these 2 years 😄

by the way, an interesting coincedence is that majority (i think like 80% ) of cancer males on this board are scorpio mooners🙂

Posted by 88NPPISCES
wow, some cookiemonster man gets agreessive with one of my kids. I kick him in the a@@@@@.

you need to stay away from men for a while to think clearly, and put your kids safety first.

one advice, if you don't date a good man or are in a very serious healthy relationship with a man, DO NOT introuduce him to your kids, don't be so needy with men to the point you put your kids in danger. a lot of women do stupid shtt like that.

sorry but you need to wake up woman.

oh no. you hold on cos you're totally wrong. i didn't say i allowed it in the slightest. his agression was in the form of telling her to 'piss off' when she was cocky to him. my response on the occasion it happened was to spit some excrutiating venom at him and i took my daughter and stormed off! no-one talks to my kids like shit!!!!!

and you can quit calling me needy LOL!!! i don't need a man. never have. never will.

put my kid in danger....as if! sorry but you don't know me and i don't usually react to criticism unless it involves my babies...so no offence 🙂

ripley: indeed i have. i thought i had learned my lesson to be honest when i left my marriage but now i have to reconsider what that lesson was cos clearly i've made the same mistake. at least i'm not emotionally invested and at least i know i won't get sucked into it for the next 20 years like my marriage.

like i said in earlier in the thread, you would think that by my age i would have everything sussed out. i guess life continues to be about fucking up and learning from it until the end.

Being a scorp moon and have both venus and mars in cancer, I can def relate to his behavior. (Tho I am not an alcoholic nor do I drink). Suspicious....needy..clingy...yeah, what a GREAT combo. But, as the years and my recovery have helped me to reel it in, I may think or feel certain self destructive thoughts, but I can hold back. The comment about looking over your shoulder is very scary. We all have those shitty thoughts but to voice is it telling.

Roxi knows what she knows, just like we all do when we are in toxic relationships. Its not easy to let them go...so dont criticize or tell her what to do. Instead, lend a hand and an ear...to help her get to where she needs to be.

I love me some Roxi xoxoxoxoxoxo

Posted by seraph

Posted by R1g0rM0rT1s
but now i have to reconsider what that lesson was

Online recording software >>

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are you trying to get me to reveal my accent seraph? my microphone doesn't work on my laptop anyway otherwise i would oblige. i sound like a stuck up brit if that helps any?

Posted by BigGirlPanties
Being a scorp moon and have both venus and mars in cancer, I can def relate to his behavior. (Tho I am not an alcoholic nor do I drink). Suspicious....needy..clingy...yeah, what a GREAT combo. But, as the years and my recovery have helped me to reel it in, I may think or feel certain self destructive thoughts, but I can hold back. The comment about looking over your shoulder is very scary. We all have those shitty thoughts but to voice is it telling.

Roxi knows what she knows, just like we all do when we are in toxic relationships. Its not easy to let them go...so dont criticize or tell her what to do. Instead, lend a hand and an ear...to help her get to where she needs to be.

I love me some Roxi xoxoxoxoxoxo

awww....thanks chica 🙂

toxic relationships are only toxic if you let them get to you...like it did when i was married. it became like a drug that i thought i needed for my survival but it was actually poison that was slowly killing me. literally i believe considering i wound up with cancer.

with the crab it's not toxic cos i'm impervious to that kind of influence now. unfortunately, the bulk of his controlling behaviour goes right over my head as a result.

i don't think i've mentioned this cos tbh it's only really occurred to me over the last few weeks but the crab got me a really cheap deal on an apartment when my house became unliveable in 3 months ago. he's always had a key. hmmmmm.....

wow....i should come here more often. you ladies are great!! 🙂

offence is never taken by me btw. i wouldn't put stuff on here if i wasn't prepared to hear some negative things...things i wouldn't see for myself.

ripley: yes he's a substitute for the leo and he kind of knows it. he flew into a rage when we had a fight about the leo. the crab runs his own removal firm and he moved the leo who is a friend of his. the leo moved into an apartment and when looking round he said to the crab that the beg was too big for the master bedroom. the crab launched into this weird argument with him about how it was all about the space IN the bed and not around it and went on to tell him that when he stayed with me, my bed's a standard double and it's just not big enough....whereas HIS bed was huge.

when he told me about the discussion i was like...WTF— was this some kind or territorial thing i asked? he then started saying that me and the leo were BOTH lying and that there was more to use than had been said. the argument escalated and i have to say i'm completely honest with him about having residual feelings for the leo. the crab stormed off telling me to go fuck myself at the top of his voice.

where we live is a very very heavy drinking culture. i'll be lucky to find ANY man who doesn't have alcohol issues. it seems to be a life style thing.

anyway. i've just got myself a proper job (lol) through which i will be introduced to a wider circle of people who aren't so wrapped up in the pub culture.

*beD*

needless to say, the new job doesn't involve TYPING!!!