ha

I have never been in a serious and happy long term relationship and i will be 35 in a couple of months. I have been through so many realms of hurt and confusion trying to figure it all out.

I am happy with myself, ill meet the one.

I must be worthless no one wants me.

Im to fat.

Im to skinny.

Im not pretty.

Im so pretty i intimidate.

Im to successful.

I don't have enough.

Im not smart enough.

Not docile enough.

They think i cant or wont submit.

I don't speak my mind and i come off as fake.

Im a brow beater and i run them all off.

I look around and see women i know getting chosen but no one chooses me. The feelings i have that are tied to being in a relationship are so far removed i have nothing to relate it to. If you’ve never how would you know what you’re missing? Everybody that is in a relationship isn’t happy but in my mind at least they are not alone. My life has consisted of so many first dates a brief dating spells there is just no wind left in me to endure the race. I would never fuck on the first date and now i feel like i just go on dates when i want to fuck first. Im in a place where i am comfortable alone in my home i can fart when i want as loud as i want pee and shit with the door open get dressed or shower when and if i feel like but im not depressed. I just give no fucks. The times i really wish i had someone is when it comes time to go out and have fun for dates for family functions like weddings and funerals but the events are running low and what would they be there for? I have gotten so comfortable being the girl at the bar alone or sitting in a booth at restaurant and reading my phone so intently but its only facebook i’m looking at and again smiling faces and happy couples posting all day making me sad all over again. I have gotten to the point of saying i don't want children but i really do i just don't want to do it alone.

I feel so used by men. I have always been single but i have heard i love you so many times and quite often in the grand scheme of things. They just don't mean it or it fades easily. don't have sex and make him wait have sex right away it makes no difference its a loose loose thing. The ones that like me like and i don't like them Or they like me and are broke as hell and damn thats just not going to work. They are successful and have so many options my little standard having (sometimes) self don't even matter. Ive been catfished, found out he was a catfish, tried to work out a relationship even still and even he left me high and dry. Thats a real low a really low low. I am sweet and caring but a bitch when i don't get my way not in every case but when im disrespected im suppose to still smile in your face? Wine and whiskey on alternating nights help me sleep and tears don't find a way. Thats a long long way from how it was in past days. I used to cry and sob from such a deep place like my tears would be heard in the universe and it would send help my way after years of silence and no help in sight you suck that shit up it aint helping no way. Somebody is going to love you every one has someone yeah right sike.

I hope you find your solititude! You seem like a beautiful soul.

Awww...I wish I could take your pain away with a big ? hug! You are really going through a rough period in your life...you have so much depth and heart. But I think all the beauty in you is looking at all the external factors that you would get out of being in a relationship...I understand I've cried my eyes out too and sometimes we girls just have to do that...but we have to get back to earth after all the tears flood. It's easy to say hard to do...I know.

Let's focus on you and the qualities you have in you first, you don't have to live up to society standards of beauty etc...first take care of yourself. Your soul it shines, you are on earth for a reason, you have some great significance to this world. Look at that...just smile into the mirror and see the reflection of your beauty.

Baby steps maybe a nice epsom salt bath or a nice walk, live whole, live full, don't wait, don't force as much as you want to the more you do...the farther what you want gets from you. Meditate on these and I hope the angels guide you.