How do I get a Cancer man to communicate with me more?

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serafina
@serafina
10 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 7 · Topics: 2
I'm sorry if this is long, but I've just had quite an emotional experience.

My husband is a Cancer and we recently had a fight. I found cigarettes he bought and scolded him about what he was doing to himself after working so hard to quit. He basically told me "Everything is so stressful, right now! What else am I supposed to do!?" I gave him some options and he said he didn't have time for any of my suggestions so smoking it was.

Now the Virgo in me wanted to explain the logistics of why his excuses were weak. Instead, I appealed to his emotions. I asked him to talk to me about what was stressing him out. He briefly mentioned a couple of things and then said he wants everyone to be happy all the time so he tries hard to fix everything. HE wants to be happy all the time. He keeps things from me because if he sees I've had a hard day, he doesn't want to make it worse. I said I thought his retreating within himself like that was causing a lot of extra stress and I wished he'd talk to me instead of turning to self destructive coping methods like smoking. I said it's ok to feel sad or mad sometimes and sometimes people don't need him to fix things, they just need someone to listen, and that I was always there for him to vent to. And at this point he completely shut down on me. He just stared at the tv and wouldn't say a word and meanwhile I'm saying all this stuff to try to soothe him and at the same time elicit some kind of reaction to figure out where his head was at. I would pause and wait and get no response, and then just keep talking hoping for something. Anything.

FInally, I got frustrated and asked "Do you think this talk is necessary?" and he said "yes" So I said "Then you need to turn off that tv and look at me." He goes "I just don't know what to say" I said "Well, I need SOMETHING, even if it's just 'ok' or 'I agree' or 'I disagree' I feel like I'm talking to a wall and Idk if what I'm saying is helping or just making you think I don't get it and when will I shut up?"

He still said nothing. So I figured forcing him anymore wasn't going to work and I left to give him time to collect his thoughts. I think that helped cause I came back an hour later just to hug him and he opened up a little bit more. I could tell he felt relieved. He says I'm the one he tells everything to. However, that's still not very much so he essentially bottles everything up.

I just know this is going to happen again. Anytime he's feeling down, I have to be able to sense it and then getting him to confide in me is like pulling teeth, even though he always feels better afterwards. I don't know what else to do except to keep gently coaxing him. Is that just how Cancers work? What can I do? Or say? The ironic part is he's the one who loves to stress the importance of communication in relationships.
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serafina
@serafina
10 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 7 · Topics: 2
Posted by MiZLeo
I could never marry another cancer man for this reason. It's like pulling teeth. They go in their shell and want you to get them out by being a mind reader. Then everything is your fault. After a while you stop trying and then that just makes everything spiral down from there. And it's still all your fault cause you just gave up on the relationship....even tho they are the ones who would tell you "I don't want to talk about it right now". Then eventually everything inside them that they have been holding in explodes and their bringing up shit from 10 years ago. Rinse and repeat.
I adore my husband. I've always gotten along best with Cancers and his quiet leadership, his nurturing nature, and his genuine sweetness and kindness melt my heart every day. But he does have one flaw and this is it. He clams up and at the same time will tell me "But I DO tell you" No...not really. He'll share the bare facts if I prod him but he won't discuss feelings.

At one point I was crying and he caressed me and told me to stop because it was making him feel sad. I was like "That's the point! I AM a little sad and that's ok! It's an appropriate response for life right now. And it's ok for you to be sad, too!" It was probably the only real answer I got about his feelings besides the initial "I can't make myself and everyone happy and it's eating away at me"
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lovely77
@lovely77
10 Years1,000+ Posts

Comments: 0 · Posts: 1703 · Topics: 66
Omg that sounds like me. Whats his other placements i dont like talking about stressful negative things going on. I just rather foz them and have a smile on my face make sure eveyrone is happy. I can open up about good tbings not bad...just let him be he will handle it his way. I dont like to be pressured to talking about deep things when im working to fix it....i know as a partner u want to help but he dont want to seem weak. Its uncomfortable for him
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TaurusMarine
@TaurusMarine
10 Years

Comments: 2 · Posts: 433 · Topics: 14
Posted by MiZLeo
I could never marry another cancer man for this reason. It's like pulling teeth. They go in their shell and want you to get them out by being a mind reader. Then everything is your fault. After a while you stop trying and then that just makes everything spiral down from there. And it's still all your fault cause you just gave up on the relationship....even tho they are the ones who would tell you "I don't want to talk about it right now". Then eventually everything inside them that they have been holding in explodes and their bringing up shit from 10 years ago. Rinse and repeat.
So true. So true.