Still need help-calling all cancers

Please see my previous post about cancers and comminication. I still need some help. I did not quite get the andwers I was looking for. Thanks TW2

Parallax, thank you so much. Your suggestion helped more than you realize. I know men and women communicate differently, and most men feel uncomfortable talking at all let alone about issues that are touchy. My cancer has not been in many relationships, therefore he is inexperienced in what is expected between a couple. He had been single for quite awhile, and it is hard to change learned habbits sometimes. He has no children, and can not have any due to a childhood accident. I can see his lack of experience with my son, but he tries pretty hard to do the right thing. It's not a saying I love you thing, its that he does not realize just what the finanacial requirements are to raise a child. He has a kind of underdeveloped sence of what is important regarding where money should be spent at times. I can see that he has lived a bachlors life a long time, and it is hard to change the patterns for some people. I dont think he is trying to be mean, he just doesnt always get it (if you know what I mean). I have raised my son alone since he was 21 months old (he is now 14) So my priorities are alot different than my cancer mates have are. Oh the part about the hummer was so funny lol. The thing is that I know he loves me. I can see and feel that without him saying anything. I just think we have different priorities about some issues regarding money. My sister has know him a lot longer than I have, and she says he is a good guy. She agrees with me that there is a lack of experience that a person would normally develop from having children, and being married. We are not married, and he has never been. He also is a few years my junior, so it is not such a supprise that there are issues their are. Thanks again, I will try your advice. Thanks TW2

Good god I can't even get a full sentence out up there. I think that taking care of my mother four to five hours per day is taking it's toll on me. She cant walk or use her arms anymore so I am sure all of you can understand what it takes to care for her needs. It is exhausting, and there is not any relief in sight soon. Except that she most likely will not be here with us much longer. Man my life is hard right now, sometimes I cant handle it emotionally to see someone I love so much in the condition she is in. It is physically hard aslo, especially along with having to care for my own family at the same time. Well enough sitting on the pitty pot I guess. See ya later guys. TW2

I guess, I'll post to you here TW2.

Mr. Parallax is an amazing human. WOW

I read about your Cancer, and though I know little about a relationship with one, things you are saying could be said about relationships in general. My Scorpio was single a very long time before we got together. In fact last night we had a rather heated discussion, boy can he talk when he wants to! It was about the way I spoke to him on a certain issue. I must have hit the hot button. We are both very forceful I guess is a good word, and I don't back down. I always say after one of these debates, that it is a good thing we didn't get our law degrees!!!

Anyway, combined with your Mom and what you are going through at this time, realise you are not yourself and he is probably feeling helpless. Your needs are important too, you need to stay strong for your Mom and Son, so don't be all things to all people during this time. It will take a toll on you believe me. Don't think it is selfish to go get a massage, or go down to the beach, do something that is for you, and you alone.

Take care and my prayers are with you.

CG

Well what's that saying "when you think things are as bad as they can get" life has a way of dishing out a little more sometimes. It seems that my cancer and I will be going our seperate ways, most likely for good. I am sitting here alone on the first night since he left, my son is spending the night at a friends house. I thought that was better for him as I thought my cancer could come by for his personal stuff. I feel numb right now, but I am sure that is for the best. It will be hard when I finally start to feel the loss. I guess this is just to difficult for us to go through together. He cared for his grandmother for quite a few months right before she passed, and he still gets tears in his eyes when he thinks, or talks about it. Maybe I am not being myself at all right now, its hard for me to judge that. Anyway I just wish I were not having to go through the rest of this stuff alone. So please bear with me, as I may talk about things that are going on with me from time to time. I will always love him I know that, as I never stoped during the time we were apart the first time for almost two years. I seldom saw or heard from him, and I truly tried to let my feelings just die out. But they would not, I guess its true once you have been with a cancer you never forget them. He changed my life, but now he is gone I fear. See all of you later TW2

maybe, once your mother has passed, and i'm so sorry about that, i know this must be a very hard time for you, but know she is only leaving this planet physically, she will always be with you and watching over you, since this situation runs very close to what he went through and does find it difficult to endure, once she is gone, he will return to rebuild the relationship between you two. maybe he feels like your attention should not be divided at the present time, and he is a distraction. mostly, you must take care of yourself, like cg says. try to eat right, sleep right, and morn right. that means, it's ok to cry, break down, and just weep uncontrollably. your body has to release the pain. don't try to be superwoman. just be human. we are here if you need to talk. we will listen.
and it is my belief the greatest gift we can give to someone who is dying, is to tell them that it is ok to go. that we love them and we know that they love us, and to not be afraid. that they will go to a better place, and to be at peace. of course, you must mean that from the bottom of your heart. you must give them wings, so to speak, to cross over in peace. as it is in the miracle of birth, we must acknowledge the miracle of death. it happens to us all. it is only the physical absence of a spirit. the real spirit remains. i wish you peace and understanding, tw2, in this difficult period of time.

Thank You so very much Pato, your words brought tears to my eyes. First because my mom has had three different kinds of arthritis that are crippling since she was 19. So she has been in alot of pain for many years. Her bones are so brittle she broke her shoulder in two places just getting on to her bed. I already know and believe that she is going to a better place where she will not hurt anymore. And I have told her I love her, and that it is ok for her to go. She is weak and tired from all she has had to endure. My father is the fly in the ointment so to speak. He refuses to let her go, and becomes angry at her for not fighting to stay with him. It is so hard on her when he does this, my sister and I are trying to protect her the best we can, and help dad understand that he has to let her go. I was lucky enough to have the most loving and careing mom in the world. She was always there for all of us, no matter what, And there were six of us. She is not afraid she is ready to go home, and knows exactly where that will be. Yes we only leave the body, and the spirit lives on. I know this for a fact because when I was sixteen I lost to much blood during an operation, and my heart stopped twelve hours later. I had what they call a near death experience, I left my body and watched what they were doing to me. I was only seperated for about 30 to 45 minutes, but it was long enough to know that we do go on after we die. I did not tell anyone for awhile what had happened because I thought they would not believe me. What I experienced was much more than what the brain does during the death process. I was up in the corner of the room by the ceiling just floating there and watching. It was so real and sharp with vivid colors. I was able to tell my mother and the doctor everything they had done in detail to revive me. At that time their was not much information about such experiences, that is why I was afraid to say anything. There is alot more information about people that have had this happen to them now. Well I did not mean to share all that exactly. Its just that your post touched my heart, and your words brought all that flooding back to my mind. So I told the story. Thank You so much again for your kindness. Bye TW2

Boy I guess I am just full of supprises arn't I. Thinking about my life I have had some pretty intense experiences. Maybe sometime Ill tell you about the time I was chased by a rapist. True story no lie. I was 19. But all seriousness aside there are lots of great times in my life as well. I guess I am a strong person, at least thats what I am told. Well gotta go for now, Bye TW2

tw2,

You and I do have such a connection as you posted to me under the Libra thread.

I was going to tell you that I too was a single parent for a long time, but this part you wrote about a near death experiance, I've been there too. And for the rapist part, when I was 24 I walked in my apartment with my daughter and a man jumped out of the closet with a knife.

So that's enough for now on all of that, as you have many things on your mind at this time. Just know there are people in this world who survive horrible times and you are not alone.

Your Dad needs to be comforted too, so he can let your Mom go to her better place.

We are all with you TW2

Bless you,

CG

I'm so sorry to hear about your cancer relationship. That isn't right for him to do that to you. My opinion and I'm full of 'em.

Hold tight tw2 things will change. We don't know why certain things happen to us, don't give up!

your testimonial of your out of body experience gives me great joy as proof once again of there being life after death. that there is something other then this life. it is truly a wonder-ful world. i guess, though, with the wonder of the world, come the not so pleasant things. to everything there is an equal and opposite occurance. i wish there was a way to prove and to give to your dad the truth, to make him accept and let go. this must be so difficult. there is a man, john edwards, who writes books on the subject. maybe that can help. he has a program here on tv, and i don't know where you live, but by here i mean in the states. his program is called "crossing over". maybe you are aware of it.
just to let you and cg know, i too was raped. it hurts to hear how we (women) are subject to such aggression. he was a exboyfriend, who traveled from florida to pennsylvania to get me. he broke down a door to get me. it's a hard thing to understand that lack of control. it's been a hard thing to get over. but life goes on and we must. and we must also believe we are deserving of better treatment and better love. that it is not our fault, and that it should not affect our sexuality. alot of times women can emotionally crawl into a hole and not let themselves experience their true selves anymore after this happens. or we accept lesser, lower levels of love, because that's what we think we deserve. well, we deserve the best, because we have experienced the worse. don't ever forget that.
to all my sisters in pain. i wish you peace.

Pato thanks again for your wonderful kind words. This is a wonderous but a dangerious world indeed. There are horriffic things that can happen to a person So we must be careful and do the things that we can to keep ourselves safe from harm. Like driving with our car doors locked all the time (all of them). and being watchful of whats arround us when we venture into dark places at night. Be careful about getting into your car in a shopping area. Alot of women are pulled into cars parked next to theirs in broad daylignt, and no one can stop it as it happens so fast, then they are gone. Carry a tazzer that will drop a person to the ground, keeping them down long enough for you to escape them. Dont be afraid to use it either, the person after you has alot worse planned for you. I had a man run towards my car with a baseball bat as he entered the crosswalk late one night. I was sitting at a red light, well you can bet I ran the light. He hit the back of my car in anger because I got away. I was stalked by a man that said he was going to kill me at hes leisure, and I would not know when or where. He said he knew where I lived and I would not even see it comming. I did not even know what he looked like. He had seen me one night out dancing with my girlfriends, I had turned him down for a dance. I guess that is all it took to make him target me. It later turned out that he was a serial killer that had taken the life of three women where I live. I worked for the police department at the time, and they watch out for their own. My phone was tapped and my house was watched. They traced one of the calls back to him and he was arrested. He had stabbed a woman in the stomach just the night before through the screen on her window. That experience was scarry let me tell you. And to look at him you would have never guessed he would do such things. You cant judge a book by its cover remember that, trust your gut when dealing with people you dont know very well or at all. I have taken classes about ways women can help keep themselves safe. I have just listed a few of them here for you to keep in mind. Dont get me wrong its not that I am some femme fatel that always has bad things happen to them. Its just that I live in a small city where a major university is, and that attracts all kinds of people from all over the states. Some good and some bad, so a person has to be careful and not get to comfortable with a false feeling of security. The one people get from living in a smaller community. We used to leave our house doors unlocked when I was growing up, well we dont do that anymore. Things can happen anywhere, anytime. And usually does when we least expect it. So train yourself to be very observant and ready just in case, then you have a much better chance of avoiding trouble that could become trajic. Well I need to go and fix dinner, and Ive sat here running off at the mouth again..I just hope what I have said helps keep all of us a little safer, so we can be friends for a long time to come. TW2

goodbye sweet little pato, thanks again for your support.

My new friend Candle Girl,
You will never know how much your words have comforted me. And yes it seems we are kindred spirits after all. I was drawn to you right from the start on the Libra board. Part of it is because you are such a bright, positive and warm spirit with a good heart. Any wow we have had some of the same types of experiences in life, can you believe it. I mean what are the odds? Oh I posted to you on the libra board about my cancer relationship-k. My sister just called her husband will be out of town tonight, and she doesn't want to be alone so I am going to go over and stay with her awhile. Ill see ya later (and I am feeling better because of your help, support and kindness). Talk to you soon TW2

i do live in a small town. but like you said you never know about strange people. one thing i do is keep rocks in my car in strategic locations. small ones, but with some weight to them, that fit in my hand with a sharp point on one end. they're legal and definately can do some damage.
be safe.

Good for you Pato, you have the right idea. A tazzer works real well also, and you can get them now that will drop a person before they can get close enough to hurt you. (like if they had a knife or something) Take care and stay safe everyone. This goes for you men also, dont think that just because you are not female that nothing can happen to you. Because it surely can! TW2

I just wanted to add one more thing so that everyone will understand.

I have had quite a few close calls that were scarry in my life. In fact more times than just one person should have had. (and I dont know why). But with all the close calls I have had, I have escaped all of them without coming to any great harm. still my life had been changed by each experience I encountered. The world has changed so much from just 100 years ago, that's little more than one persons life span. There are so many more dangers than there were for past generations. Well bye again, hope no one is offended by my subject matter here.


This is partly because I worked for the police department for a few years, and they teach the things I have been telling you and more to help keep you safe. The other thing you can do is to trust your gut instinct about a person or situation. To many of us push back feelings of being a little uneasy from contact with some people. Learn to become aware that you dont quite feel alright about someone or something. And then remove yourself from it as quickly as you can, by what ever means you have to take. It can make the differnece between life and death in some situations.

Sorry to get so damn morbid with my subject matter lately, I just wanted to pass along some good things a person can do to stay happy and healthy out in the world today.

I gotta run for now, talk to you all later TW2

Candle girl, sometime you must tell me more about what had happened to you and your daughter on that day. But on the lighter side, I am feeling alot better due to all the careing responses from the people who posted to me on the Duncan board. It has given me a renewed sense of strenght, because I dont feel I am alone with the situation I am living through right now. Thank you so much to all of you. TW2

Good Morning TW2!

I'm glad you are feeling better, I can tell you seem more upbeat.

You are so right when you speak of gut feelings. I am very instinctual as you can probably tell. It has saved me along the way.

I don't mind telling you about what happened. It was a crossroads in my life as I had been saving money so I could quit my job and write. I had about enough money to stay off work about 6 months. My last day at the job was Friday and I picked my daughter up from daycare and came home to get ready for Friday night out.

I walked in the door and something did seem strange, but I couldn't figure it out. I went down the hall to my room, my daughter following, to go into her room. I saw this object on the floor and this huge guy came out of no where and grabbed me and shoved a knife in my throat. I saw a white light and I got extremely calm. I didn't fight, but I did tell my daughter in a very frank voice to go in her room and turn on the radio. The next few minutes are still very vivid to me, but I will only say I kept my cool and my attacker left when he was finished. He said "don't call the police or I will come back and kill you both." We were so lucky TW2, I know I was because I didn't freak out and didn't resist. What was HORRIBLE was this, he had cleared a place in my closet that I thought was weird. The next week, a women in my same apartment was found in a plastic bag hanging in her closet, stabbed to death. My dad helped me move out the next day after my attack, and I will always wonder if I hadn't, if that would have been me.

Looking back it changed me, but I believe I am still here today for some purpose. You know you say when your down, you get kicked, well two weeks later I was in a car accident and had my car totaled. Needless to say I had to find a job and almost start over again, so I never got my dream to write at that time. That is why it is so precious that I am trying to achieve my dream now.

Can't give up ya know!!!

CG

Candle Girl,

I can't find the right words to say to you. I feel just heartsick over what you went through in that situation. How did your daughter handle what had happened. Did she see the man holding you with the knife to your throat? Did he cut you with it? or just hold it there? Oh my god you must have been in paralized with shock. I had a man chase me all the way to my parents front door when I was 19 one night. He pulled in behind me and left his car running with the door open. All I remember seeing first was a massive arm grab the steering wheel to pull himself out of the car. I tried my horn but sometimes it would not work, and this was one of those times. So I knew I had to out run him. He was a big man let me tell you. I had no voice from a cold I had. But I managed to get a scream out anyway. I was able to stay ahead of him and get to the front door. They heard me screaming and came running and were on the other side of the door when I got there. He ducked down behind the front of my moms car when he realized he was not going to catch me. My dad went out there and had words with him, he then got in his car and drove away quickly. My dad yelling its alright you bastard we have your license plate number so we have you anyway. Later I learned that the man had just gotten out of jail on an OR. He had raped and almost beat to death a 14 year old girl two weeks prior to chasing me. He was waiting to go to court on that charge. I found all this out because his attorney stopped me from testifying at the trial about my situation with him. Stating that my testemony would have hurt him in that case. and that the two situations were not related. I was at a friends house in glenn county less than a week later when I saw his truck drive right by their house. It shook me up pretty bad to see him again, He did not see me though. That was my first experience of many to come in my life of things like this. Anyway sorry for going on about this as it cant even come close to what you went through. I cant even imagine how horrible that must have been for you. The fear and worry about what he may do to your daughter as well as you must have caused heart stopping panic. You were in shock for the most part that I am sure of. God in heaven it could have been you in that closet. I am so very glad it was not you. I am sorry my sister just came in and she was crying, so I must go to her. Ill be back. TW2

I'm back Candle Girl! My sister is having problems with her marriage. Its hard for her to deal with that on top of caring for our mom. So we are trying to be each others strenght as much as possible. I broke it off with my cancer last night also. I found out he has been lying to me about a few things. I told him I cant be with someone that I can not have respect for. And that he has damaged the respect I had for him. So back to trying to get through stuff on my own. But I still have my friends on the Duncan board and my sister. I do still love him so very much and I feel so let down. The issues he lied about are not trivial, so I feel I have no choice but to let him go. Anyway enough about that, now back to my friend Candle Girl. Again I am so glad it was not you in that closet, not that I am not sorry for the person it was. I posted some stuff about my first marriage on one of the other boards (cant quite remember what one it was). The libra or Misc board. Anyway my he came after me with a knife and was intending to use it. So I kind of know what that kind of fear feels like. It is worse when it is someone you think cares for you though. Most women fear that they could lose their life after a rape, and rightfully so. Again my heart goes out to you. You are a strong and special person, and I like that in my friends. Bye for now, and have a great Saturday night. TW2

Sorry about the confusion with my post above. I was going to close and say goodbye, (and I did). But I had typed things out and then went back and changed it. Thats were the confusion came in a little bit. I know it does not make complete sense going from one thought to the next. I had a bad night as far as sleeping was concerned, as in I did not get much. Just so everyone knows and can possibly understand the mixup. Bye TW2

Hi TW2!

Thank you for your concern about one of life's down's!

As I said, two weeks later I was in a car accident, two blocks away from my daughters daycare. Fortunately, she wasn't in the car with me. A guy ran a stop sign and my car and I ended up going the opposite direction in someone's yard. I hit my temple on the window and smashed my mouth into the steering wheel. No broken bones, but extensive dental work, not to mention bruises from head to toe. Talk about looking at things in a different way. Twice my daughter and I were both spared from a terrible outcome. I just thought about it as such a gift to be alive that I couldn't wallow in this stoke of badluck.

I wanted to share this with you because I know you are going through such a bad time now. Finding out someone you love is not truthful is a very hard thing. You need to be strong.

CG

If you need to talk. Please e-mail me. I have a safe site. www.candle-hat.com
click on the e-mail button. I have done this before and have had some weirdo's but I don't think you are one.

Nor am I.

Linda the Candlegirl