Breaking Up With Caps - Friends or Clean Breaks?

Hey Caps, thanks again for taking all my questions about my Cap boyfriend. It was a big help.

Unfortunately, on Monday, I had to make the very difficult decision to bring up with my Cap what the fall semester would be like. We both admitted that we had thought about what our schedules would be like and how we would make time for each other. With him having a mentor group of freshman, running a campus kitchen of leftover food to give to the hungry, being in the same service organization that's running the kitchen, and this being the last year before he applies to nursing school, and with this being an important semester for me gradewise as well, we wouldn't really be able to spend time with each other, much less talk to each other. He would be devoting all his free time to service and studying. In all fairness, he told me that in his last semester of school, he didn't even check his phone between 7AM-11PM. If that's just phone communication...we would truly never see each other. And in that case, there's no point in a romantic relationship. He told me he was really hoping it would work out, but he had lately been thinking about as well if he would really have time to have a relationship with me. I really emphasized that this was about the both of us, not about him, and I tried to really emphasize how proud I was of him for chasing after his dreams so hard. He admired that, and appreciated it. I hated making his "fear" come true, but I didn't want to drag on the inevitable, much less make him deal with a breakup during school.

Something he said post-breakup talk:

"I'm not angry or upset. I understand that it was just something that couldn't be done and it would not be fair to you at all...I appreciate it and you are an incredibly special person. Our time together was absolutely amazing and I didn't ever feel the time pass by whenever we were together. It sucks that it all had to workout this way, but I know that somehow this all happened for a reason. I know our time together may have been short, but now I have a summer I will always remember thanks to you. It's just one of those things that just could not be worked out, I hope you're not angry or upset with me either, I really hoped there would be a way but I realize that it isn't realistic or fair to me or you. Thank you so much for being so great to me."

My question is: Do I need to go no contact and leave him alone completely? Will there ever be a friendship between us again? I know this was a case of right people, wrong time, and I'd love to maybe be able to leave a connection open for the future. What should I do to make this as painless as possible for my ex?

Posted by cheekyfaerie
For your ex? Worry about yourself. Ex sounds fine. Not super familiar with your story, but Ex may actually have swindled you into doing the dirty work he was trying to avoid himself. Best of luck to you both and congrats on focusing on being a better you.

Hehehe. That smooth son of a bitch.

I've only experienced a break up with a Cap Moon, so I don't know how helpful I'll be... but I think no contact for a certain time period is necessary for any break up regardless of sign, especially if it was relatively amicable. There are still feelings between the two of you and keeping communication open right after breaking up (even if it may be rare with how busy y'all are), will make moving on harder in the long run. My experience with the Cap Moon guy and Cap Suns whom I haven't dated is that their life "plan" is extremely important to them; if you don't fit into the plan because you came at the wrong time or you're asking/wanting more than they are willing to give at that point in the plan, they say bye and never look back. Like cheekyfaerie said, he may have just had you do the dirty work for him, in which case I wouldn't expect him to come back; he wanted it but just didn't act on it (yet), and a Cap can be very stubborn once they've made a decision.

I suggest a clean break. In a few months, maybe you could contact him and consider being friends, but absolutely do not wait for him.

Posted by cheekyfaerie
For your ex? Worry about yourself. Ex sounds fine. Not super familiar with your story, but Ex may actually have swindled you into doing the dirty work he was trying to avoid himself. Best of luck to you both and congrats on focusing on being a better you.

By the time I had the conversation with him, I was ready to breakup, but was hoping he'd make time. From what I understand with his friends, he's had a lot of personal experiences (didn't get to know him well enough to know what exactly happened) that make him exceedingly independent, and if he's being honest with me about his past, this is the second time a relationship has ended this way for him. He was a really good guy and it sucked to have to breakup with him. I just know that if you really care, you make time. I just don't know if it was about me, or about relationships in general.

What indicates to you that he tricked me into breaking up? The fact that he admitted he had been thinking about how he was going to be able to make time for dates and stuff?

Does this also mean that the message he sent to me that I quoted above in my original post was not genuine?

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by cheekyfaerie
For your ex? Worry about yourself. Ex sounds fine. Not super familiar with your story, but Ex may actually have swindled you into doing the dirty work he was trying to avoid himself. Best of luck to you both and congrats on focusing on being a better you.

Hehehe. That smooth son of a bitch.

click to expand

If you could elaborate, I would really appreciate it. I had no idea I'd been manipulated into ending things. What gave it away?

Posted by yamilette7410

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by cheekyfaerie
For your ex? Worry about yourself. Ex sounds fine. Not super familiar with your story, but Ex may actually have swindled you into doing the dirty work he was trying to avoid himself. Best of luck to you both and congrats on focusing on being a better you.

Hehehe. That smooth son of a bitch.

If you could elaborate, I would really appreciate it. I had no idea I'd been manipulated into ending things. What gave it away?

click to expand

He is a Capricorn male was the first giveaway.

Secondly, his willingness to let the relationship go nice and easy, no muss, no fuss.

I could be mistaken though. Just a hunch.

Another clue.

He parroted your break up reasoning almost verbatim, assuring zero disagreement, or negative fallout from the deed.

The ole "yes, dear" routine.

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by yamilette7410

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by cheekyfaerie
For your ex? Worry about yourself. Ex sounds fine. Not super familiar with your story, but Ex may actually have swindled you into doing the dirty work he was trying to avoid himself. Best of luck to you both and congrats on focusing on being a better you.

Hehehe. That smooth son of a bitch.

If you could elaborate, I would really appreciate it. I had no idea I'd been manipulated into ending things. What gave it away?

He is a Capricorn male was the first giveaway.

Secondly, his willingness to let the relationship go nice and easy, no muss, no fuss.

I could be mistaken though. Just a hunch.

click to expand

I did remember reading somewhere that Caps hate being the bad guy and stick it out in bad relationships because they don't want to be the ones to end things, if that's what you mean. I made a thread about this a while ago...We had a group chat for the summer class we were in, and I used the word "boyfriend" on accident. I apologized for it later as a means of "fishing" out how serious he really was, and he admitted that he had not been out (like on social media) about us because he knew he was going to get busy in the fall and didn't know how things would work out in terms of us. I let it slide, but I wish I had known earlier that he had wanted a summer fling. I regretted committing to him exclusively, because, well, if I was seeing other guys, I wouldn't be asking for more of a time committment from him. On the other hand, he probably would have just drifted away anyways. I didn't want this Cap to feel unimportant to me, and he told me he only dates and talks to one girl at a time. I felt bad for gallavanting around, thus I committed to exclusivity.

When I brought up how I was a bit upset shortly after that conversation, he told me this, "Understandable, still stand by what I said though. My past experiences have shown me one thing, so this time around I'm more cautious before completely committing. Still exclusive and aiming f

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by yamilette7410

Posted by CapTenn

Posted by cheekyfaerie
For your ex? Worry about yourself. Ex sounds fine. Not super familiar with your story, but Ex may actually have swindled you into doing the dirty work he was trying to avoid himself. Best of luck to you both and congrats on focusing on being a better you.

Hehehe. That smooth son of a bitch.

If you could elaborate, I would really appreciate it. I had no idea I'd been manipulated into ending things. What gave it away?

He is a Capricorn male was the first giveaway.

Secondly, his willingness to let the relationship go nice and easy, no muss, no fuss.

I could be mistaken though. Just a hunch.

click to expand

or the long run, but I'm not going to jump on a wagon unless I absolutely know for sure it will work. Please understand though that I'm 100% in this and will work to make it work. I'm optimistic for this as well."

Did he, then, have no intentions of ever committing to me fully if he said that that early? Did he play me? Wow...he passed all my friends' background checks. He's well liked among our group of peers. No one had a bad thing to say about him...he seemed like a really, truly, sincere nice guy. Damn.

Posted by CapTenn
Another clue.

He parroted your break up reasoning almost verbatim, assuring zero disagreement, or negative fallout from the deed.

The ole "yes, dear" routine.

I see what you mean, no fighting at all. I tried giving him a couple of options, like letting him decide at a later date, breaking exclusivity (which wouldn't really work either because if there's no time to date we still would never see each other). He sounded hurt at the end of the phone call. He said he knew it ultimately would end this way but he hoped somehow it would work out. I'm sorry for him, but if you can't make time to physically see me, there's no point in a romantic relationship. It would be me, being alone, waiting for my ex to text me or ask me to hang out when he wasn't busy. I know Caps are independent but...

He did mention that it really sucked that things had to end this way on the phone (we called for the actual breakup) but he didn't see how he could give me what I needed. It just bothered me that I could have a boyfriend, who I was still supposed to be in the honeymoon stage with, that could go a day without talking to me, and be fine. He also really never initiated plans with me. I'm used to boyfriends constantly asking me when I'm free. Maybe he is just out here doing his thing with his service organization and school and all that, but... All he really asked me out to was that first study date. We never had another real date after that, unless a lunch after class for a couple of hours counts, and that one was my idea.

Posted by Aqua123
I've only experienced a break up with a Cap Moon, so I don't know how helpful I'll be... but I think no contact for a certain time period is necessary for any break up regardless of sign, especially if it was relatively amicable. There are still feelings between the two of you and keeping communication open right after breaking up (even if it may be rare with how busy y'all are), will make moving on harder in the long run. My experience with the Cap Moon guy and Cap Suns whom I haven't dated is that their life "plan" is extremely important to them; if you don't fit into the plan because you came at the wrong time or you're asking/wanting more than they are willing to give at that point in the plan, they say bye and never look back. Like cheekyfaerie said, he may have just had you do the dirty work for him, in which case I wouldn't expect him to come back; he wanted it but just didn't act on it (yet), and a Cap can be very stubborn once they've made a decision.

I suggest a clean break. In a few months, maybe you could contact him and consider being friends, but absolutely do not wait for him.

Thanks for your input anyways. If what you said holds true, I'll just keep myself together and keep moving forward. He had a Pisces Venus, so I don't know if that's even more of an indicator that once he moves forward, there's no looking back. And as you said, if there's a strong consensus that he swindled me into initiating the breakup, then he won't look back, and I'll just chalk it up as a fling and keep moving forward. Damn you, Venus conjunct Pluto.

Posted by cheekyfaerie
His message to you was exactly what he'd have said to you if he'd had to do it. Instead, he made you think it was all your idea. He's been planting seeds for a while. He may actually feel that way and be regretful, but at the end of the day, you weren't worth his time.

I added some additional backstory in my reply to CapTenn. I guess that answers my question that yes it was genuine, but I guess what I'm really trying to get at is that his response seemed really emotional, like he really cared about me, and I'm questioning the validity of his tone and word choice.

But I see how he could have made it my idea. Damn. I guess I'll take the L and keep moving forward, no contact. I just don't know how he can have a relationship the way he wanted...in my opinion (Scorpio Sun Scorpio Venus bias here), that's no relationship. I guess what would really determine for me if he played me or not was if he was being genuine in telling me what he said when I said I was upset about him not committing fully but still being exclusive with me.

Posted by cheekyfaerie
His message to you was exactly what he'd have said to you if he'd had to do it. Instead, he made you think it was all your idea. He's been planting seeds for a while. He may actually feel that way and be regretful, but at the end of the day, you weren't worth his time.

Sad day 😢

Posted by ellle
how about you just do what you guys told each other and keep it coridial and friendly.....with respect in spades?

if the timing is off, the timing is off.

no need in waiting around.

if it's going to happen in the future.....it will just happen on it's own.

no need in ruining it with self doubt and all these 'what if' scenarios.

Thanks for your input. I will leave him alone. I didn't intend on waiting around for him since I initiated the breakup. If this is how he is, this independent, maybe a later reunion still wouldn't be ideal. Thanks again for your perspective.

Sorry to bump this thread...but I have a new question. I posted a picture of myself for the first day of the semester and after not talking to him/him ignoring me since we broke up, he liked my picture and messaged me right after on Facebook telling me to have an amazing day.

Where was this before I had to break up with him? What the fuck? NOW he wants to make an effort?

Clean break. No contact, but be friendly if there is contact. There's no hard feelings in this break up. No one screwed anyone over. So, the chances for friendship in the future is good. However, in the meantime, you need to move on and develop relationships with other people. So, no, no waiting around for him. He's going to move on as well.

As for liking your picture? I don't get how a "like" on Facebook means anything at all. I like my friends pictures all the time, but it doesn't mean I want to date them. People over think what a "like" means, in my opinion.

The message of have an amazing day was to reiterate that there are no hard feelings and he doesn't hate you and doesn't want you to hate him. It means nothing except for a friendly sentiment.

All in all, this was a mature breakup. Be proud of that.

Posted by truecap
Clean break. No contact, but be friendly if there is contact. There's no hard feelings in this break up. No one screwed anyone over. So, the chances for friendship in the future is good. However, in the meantime, you need to move on and develop relationships with other people. So, no, no waiting around for him. He's going to move on as well.

As for liking your picture? I don't get how a "like" on Facebook means anything at all. I like my friends pictures all the time, but it doesn't mean I want to date them. People over think what a "like" means, in my opinion.

The message of have an amazing day was to reiterate that there are no hard feelings and he doesn't hate you and doesn't want you to hate him. It means nothing except for a friendly sentiment.

All in all, this was a mature breakup. Be proud of that.

+1