Lovingly Confused, Libra/Scorp Cusp Sun, Merc, Mars, Cancer Moon, Sag Venus
Lovingly Confused, Libra/ScorpCusp Sun, Merc, Mars, Cancer Moon, Sag Venus

Posted by PhoenixRising
Posted by ladylibra21

He says he doesn't believe those things but I think they have had a lasting effect and no he wasn't married to his ex. If it is me that he isn't ok with then it is me but he has expressed that it is not me. He could have lied?

I don't think it's about "lying" or not. I mean, sexuality is about us (preference, confidence, awareness, feeling comfortable with our own body, communicating our desire/needs), as much as it is about our partner (attraction, energy, connection). If you're having a problem it's about finding out where your issues start/stop and the issue you have with your partner/lover starts/stops. "It may be him or me" really leads no where, but then again if a person really can't be bothered or lacks patience to work through something with someone that is the easy response.

I have to agree with what Rabbit posted, you and he simply may not be right for each other, not because of this issue, but as other posts in this thread suggest you've written about other issues outside of the bedroom as well.

Posted by ladylibra21

...I attempt to get it back up sometimes it does sometimes it doesn't.

When it does get back up can he finish?


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Most of the time but sometime he just says that's ok
Posted by bittercupcake
Are you the one that’s dating an Aqua? Can’t remember. I will say that if he’s having intimacy issues, the problems could lie with you more so than him. It could be he’s beginning to resent you after the last incident.


Also again it's fine if it's me but he should tell me that
Posted by bittercupcake
Are you the one that’s dating an Aqua? Can’t remember. I will say that if he’s having intimacy issues, the problems could lie with you more so than him. It could be he’s beginning to resent you after the last incident.


this has always been a problem though we maybe had 2 months out of the 8 months we have been together that he was able to have sex consistently .
Posted by LadyNeptune
Posted by ladylibra21
If your partner asked you to see a sex therapist because they thought your mental out look on sex was affecting your physical and that you had issues with intimacy overall would you go?

Why or why not?
Is this something men are able to admit or would there be too much pride?


How you ask this will 100% impact how the person feels about going.
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Exactly but how would you ask something like this without hurting that person
Posted by PhoenixRising
Posted by ladylibra21
Ok so more background information. What if this person had only been with 2 people ever, was told that sex and masturbation was wrong their whole life until they left that thinking 5 years ago and that they should only have sex when married and even then they shouldn’t participate in foreplay such as oral or other “taboo” sex positions.

So, this person no longer believes "sex and masturbation is wrong"? Or the person still does? This doesn't necessarily require a therapist, but patience and support. His partner (eh em you) may also need to come to terms that these are his sexual preference regardless of why he thinks this way and that should be respected for the time being. It may simply be a matter of not being sexually compatible vs trying to change someone's sexual preference. When you discuss his ideas about sex do find that you judge him for his preferences?

Posted by ladylibra21
Had a baby with the first person he had ever been with but stopped having sex after that for the remained of their relationship and 2 more years after that.

This may have nothing to do with what you've written above and more to do with the man simply not feeling sexually attracted to his partner. I mean if all things fit (e.g. wait until marriage for sex...now married...but don't have sex), then the missing link doesn't sound like the person's "outlook". Something is missing here. It may be tied to the question I asked above and the point I made below.

Posted by ladylibra21

What if this person initiates most of the time, but is going soft % 50 of the time and radiates shame sometimes during sex or looks out of the window or tries to joke and change the subject when sexy talking through text. To me it seems like he is traumatized, but he is the kind of person who always says its fine its fine. Is it really selfish to want him to get help if he is in that much pain about it? Listen I can go without it that is what they make vibrators for, but what I can’t deal with is him initiating then disappearing in his head and not being able to finish especially when I have said we don’t have to if he is not into it. So clearly he is into it just has serious problems with sex. This is coming from a person who has said growing up he wished “the whole sex thing didn’t exist there wouldn’t be so much pressure.” I am to the point I feel like I am raping him even when he is the one initiating most of the time.

Hmph. When he gets soft how do you respond (e.g. facial expressions, gestures, body language, words you use). Do you express disappointment and frustration or anger? Do you ever engage in sexual stimulation, sensual massages without the expectation of having actual intercourse? Do you ever initiate and leave it at simple sexual stimulation without the pressure of intercourse to please him?
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He says he doesn't believe those things but I think they have had a lasting effect and no he wasn't married to his ex. If it is me that he isn't ok with then it is me but he has expressed that it is not me. He could have lied? I never react poorly when he goes soft I am not a child. I attempt to get it back up sometimes it does sometimes it doesn't. I always kiss and cuddle him . Then we talk about random things until we fall asleep. Yes I have tried just making out with him and feeling him up and also explaining that making out doesn't have to lead to sex this was after we were making out one and he took it one step further and attempted to have sex but could finish. He stated "sorry sometimes I just have a hard time withh sex." And I responded by saying we don't have to always have sex we can just make out or do other things. So he knows there is no pressure.
Posted by MyStarsShine
..would you consider speaking to someone who may understand and help you deal with the issues ?


I didn't think about that option but I totally would. Even if we didn't stay together I would want him to be OK in that area with someone now he's a great guy he deserves to be happy all around especially in the most basic human need.

He might discover that he is just asexual but ir like him to actually deal with it instead of just sweeping it under the rug
Posted by TheRabbit
It's also possible there is some abuse in his past that he hasn't discussed.


I asked he said he didn't think so.
Posted by aquarius_man
Posted by ladylibra21
Ok so more background information. What if this person was told that sex and masturbation was wrong their whole life until they left that thinking 5 years ago and that they should only have sex when married and even then they shouldn’t participate in foreplay such as oral


Well oral sex is filthy. In Christianity, it's called symbolic cannibalism and it's a sin. The only kind of ritual cannibalism you re allowed to engage in while staying a Christian is eating the body of Our Lord Jesus Christ The Savior and the Light of The World.



I am to the point I feel like I am raping him even when he is the one initiating most of the time.


It's your fault. You have absolutely no treetrunking idea how to deal with a sensitive man. Raping him? You re pressuring him, that's what you do. What about you learn some new tricks, huh? What about you trying to look so sexy in bed that he will forget all about sex being a filthy act? But Im pretty sure you just lie there open your legs wide and wait for him to start hammering you. What if you did something different - blindfold him so he can t see you / nothing around him and be on top. Ride. But tbh you sound like a woman who s very lippy and impatient and there s something utterly wrong about the way you present these stories about your guy.

Last time, you scolded him for trying to defend you. Now it's his dick going soft. What if the problem its really you - like I think i - and you should go see a sex therapist and all kinds of therapists? Since you feel like raping him so much.

You disgust me
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You presume a lot of things about me so all I'll say is this stop comparing me to people who have hurt or disappointed you. I have tried lots of things to the point where I feel like I might be trying too hard but the fact is you can't overload someone with something they might be uncomfortable with. You can try to belittle me all day but don't project your life experiences on me.
Posted by MiZLeo
When you shift all the blame on the partner than I think male or female would have issues. Is it something he admits to? Is he on any medication affecting his libido? Diabetic? Depressed? Stressed? Are you being romantic with him or just expect him to do all the work?
You could try stating that you should both go see a therapist together to see if she could help liven things up.


I would love to go together. I'm not saying that it's all on him maybe there are things I do that he doesn't like or maybe he doesn't like my approach that is fine I have no problem with that. But a lot of time he doesn't really know how he feels or it takes a while to figure out what is bothering him and therapist have a way of rooting those kinds of issue out

Ok so more background information. What if this person had only been with 2 people ever, was told that sex and masturbation was wrong their whole life until they left that thinking 5 years ago and that they should only have sex when married and even then they shouldn’t participate in foreplay such as oral or other “taboo” sex positions. Had a baby with the first person he had ever been with but stopped having sex after that for the remained of their relationship and 2 more years after that.



What if this person initiates most of the time, but is going soft % 50 of the time and radiates shame sometimes during sex or looks out of the window or tries to joke and change the subject when sexy talking through text. To me it seems like he is traumatized, but he is the kind of person who always says its fine its fine. Is it really selfish to want him to get help if he is in that much pain about it? Listen I can go without it that is what they make vibrators for, but what I can’t deal with is him initiating then disappearing in his head and not being able to finish especially when I have said we don’t have to if he is not into it. So clearly he is into it just has serious problems with sex. This is coming from a person who has said growing up he wished “the whole sex thing didn’t exist there wouldn’t be so much pressure.” I am to the point I feel like I am raping him even when he is the one initiating most of the time.
If your partner asked you to see a sex therapist because they thought your mental out look on sex was affecting your physical and that you had issues with intimacy overall would you go?

Why it why not?
Is this something men are able to admit or would there be too much pride?
I have no idea what to get my boyfriend for Christmas it will be our first holiday together so I don't want to go over the top but I want to get him something he will like or that he can used. Any suggestions?
Cancer moon in the 12th house here. *Sigh*
Aquarius. I am never sure what they want even if they are in a committed relationship. It seems like going through the motions.
Posted by Fafa
I dont get why folks keep saying aquarians arent emotional my aqua man is extremely emotional.


Same.
Posted by LibraMudra
I am really emotional and am not afraid to cry in front of someone I love. I feel my way through the world. I can tell when people need to be left alone and I allow them their space. That is not always the case for me, though. I give and give and give and give. Balance all things in life including someone who needs a lot of attention until I realize I've already fizzled out and have been suffocating.

But I detach quite easily. If it's unfair, not well thought out and has me disgusted, good luck getting me back in a head space where I can buckle down and come back.


I co-sign this.
I only detach if I give too much and if am feeling overwhelmed and smothered especially if I feel like I can't explain it properly to someone.
Posted by justagirl
I dunno man, for me I can't be intimate if I'm not in love. I might be attracted but going threw the motions when I now my hearts not invested, it's not going any where or when I would have doubts about the relationship. I'm not a man but I am an aqua and I've heard from other aquas they are similar in that regards.

If the connection isn't there emotionally And mentally it can cause issues.

He told you he wasn't sure about you guys right? If he mentioned the fighting, it's more often than you realize I am thinking, or what is being said during those fights is cutting deep.


That's the thing though we never say terrible things about each other. Maybe he is still in love with his crazy ex
Posted by RooSagicorn
Ah sounds tough for both of you. Maybe initiate more? Does he really want to be in a relationship at all? Not just with you, anyone.


I had the same thought and I asked him that. I told him he needs to figure out if he wants to be a loner alone or A loner in a relationship because he agrees that I don't smother him I almost give him too much space and with the space I am giving him if the relationship is still too much there might be an issue
Posted by LadyNeptune
Posted by ladylibra21
Posted by LadyNeptune
Posted by ladylibra21
Posted by LadyNeptune
Posted by ladylibra21
So we are still together but I don't think he really knows what he wants to be honest. He was kind of inarticulate last night.


Why do you sound so disappointed tho

I am disappointed because although he said things it still seemed vague.

I don't think he knows what he wants he has always said it's hard to tell how he feels about things not just relationships in general but the way he feels about anything and he was saying he thinks relationships feel like a lot of maintenance and it wears him down sometime and he feels pressured to be on the path of marriage and he's not always sure if that's what he wants. I told him the idea of it scares me too and makes me feel like running way but once my trust has been healed I will probably want that one day. But I'm not expecting some kind of timeline and I don't want him to do that out of obligation.

He started making out with me last night and having sex and then he couldn't finish it's been like this off and on for a month or two and I asked him last night is it me and he said no I just don't always have a high libido and I said OK that's fine I don't have a high sex drive either why attempt having sex if you aren't into it we don't have to have sex all the time. He says no sometimes I start in then I feel guilty so I can't finish.

So I suggested what if we take a sex break to give it time to feel comfortable again and want it he says yeah that might help because sometimes he feels like he is taking advantage of me and he feels better if I iniciate and then this morning he changes his mind about the sex break. Mind you he said he wasn't sure how he felt about me after our argument because he feels like we have had too many blow outs (we have only had 2 major fights), but I feel like it's a bad idea to have sex with someone you don't know how you feel about. I didn't tell him that but that is what I was thinking.

Overall it just felt like he wanted to break up but wasn't sure how to do it or if he wanted to. Then this morning it was let's go to the movies tonight. We hardly ever go on dates so it surprised me then he just texted me saying "Hey, just wanted to say it was great being with you last night--I don't want you to feel unwanted or left out in the cold!" I'm not sure what to think. So I'm just gonna let things play out and be careful with my feelings until It plays out


I don't get it...what does he have to feel guilty about?? Why is having sex with you, his girlfriend, make him feel guilty. What is he hiding...


You have to understand he left a religion a couple of years ago that shames sex to an extreme level he still struggles with this. He feels like he is taking advantage of me sometimes when he initiates it. He has said that even though he enjoys sex he will always in part see it in a complicated way



You said he has a kid. This isn't the first time he's treetrunked, obviously.
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No but I'm only the second person he has had sec with. His son's mother is someone he met immediately when he left the religion and that relationship ended horribly and is still very strained so he still struggles with it