asha
@asha
14 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 261 · Topics: 17
How much can a Cap take?
No offense, but this is why I don't take people, especially those that push, seriously. Usually you press an issue for control. When you get it, you no longer want it, or become "unsure" of what you want. None of your "current" issues are current. All the same things that were present when you were trying to get the Cap to respond to you the way you wanted. You presented yourself as someone to be taken seriously, now you will look like a joke. Really think about what it is you want. If you can see him in your future for a long time/forever, you should be careful about how you present your need to breathe. Flexible is not the same as flip flopping.
Also, why do you think he turned his switch "on?"
Also, why do you think he turned his switch "on?"
Posted by lnana04
No offense, but this is why I don't take people, especially those that push, seriously. Usually you press an issue for control. When you get it, you no longer want it, or become "unsure" of what you want. None of your "current" issues are current. All the same things that were present when you were trying to get the Cap to respond to you the way you wanted. You presented yourself as someone to be taken seriously, now you will look like a joke. Really think about what it is you want. If you can see him in your future for a long time/forever, you should be careful about how you present your need to breathe. Flexible is not the same as flip flopping.
Also, why do you think he turned his switch "on?"
i REALLY like this response. kudos 🙂
Posted by asha
I have the feeling I am rocking the boat with my Cap man. I posted a thread here before compalinig of him. Later he came to me saying he was sure I was the woman for him. Following that statement he behaves differently: very loving and giving, and very warm. Problem is it is me now who needs space. I have issues with my grown-up son (23) and my old mother (84) both living far from me, with my work, and in a nutshell all aspects of my life are unstable (may be I am not ready for a relationship?). He has a small daughter (7) who is very loving but very difficult too and he adores her.
Entering his life and staying there all the time (meeting relaitves and friends whose language I hardly speak) is tiring for me. On the other hand he expects me to do it; he wants a close relationship. Problem is I cannot. I can actually but not all the time, I need space to breath and do my staff. I cannot handle long time with his daughter who lives with him every second week.
I expect him to understand and accept me as I am, at least for the time being. How do I do this? Are you Caps rigid or can you be flexible and give space and time to people you love?
from my POV, it looks like you got a Cap guy who's just about ready to open up with you. if you pull back, so will he. then you'll probably have to work twice as hard to get back to when you want that cappy closeness again. also if you pull that move more than once, he'll get wise to it. as for the 23 year old and your mother, family does come first. that's core for us caps, so maybe he'll let you slide. also it may have been more wise to stabilize the rest f your life before becoming involved with a Capricorn. sorry, but the relationship is prob bound to fail if one is unstable while the other is. idk anything more about the family business as you did not provide. no worries though. cheers and best of luck.
It is not that I dont see our future together. How can one see a future together if the relationship is not mature enough to KNOW there is a future? The issues sure existed before we started the relationship but one can never be sure in advance how they are going to be actually handled. So for me it is about handling issues and I wonder if the Cap is flexible enough to do it.
Now he has more luggage in his life as he lives with her daughter while I am alone; my family is away and I just visit them. I cannot just fit in his life like that, I need time and space. I work long hours (unlike him) my work is stressful and I have to study all the time. I also need time to rest.
I need his understanding and patience. I am not pulling back, I think I give him love when we spend time together, I just cannot be with him and his family too often coz this results in abondoning my own life and duties.
He loves me and cares for me, and I know it and appreciate it very much. What I dont know is if he will be able to accept me as I am even if the relationship doesnt exactly match his ideas. Yeah, would it be a problem if he wants a close relationship and I can only give dating for the time being? This does not say no obligations and responsibilities though, I stil mean a committed relationship. After all we dont live together and I know HE is not ready for it either. Question is can you accept the person you love the way he/she is even if it`s not exactly what you imagined? What comes first? The vision or the person?
Now he has more luggage in his life as he lives with her daughter while I am alone; my family is away and I just visit them. I cannot just fit in his life like that, I need time and space. I work long hours (unlike him) my work is stressful and I have to study all the time. I also need time to rest.
I need his understanding and patience. I am not pulling back, I think I give him love when we spend time together, I just cannot be with him and his family too often coz this results in abondoning my own life and duties.
He loves me and cares for me, and I know it and appreciate it very much. What I dont know is if he will be able to accept me as I am even if the relationship doesnt exactly match his ideas. Yeah, would it be a problem if he wants a close relationship and I can only give dating for the time being? This does not say no obligations and responsibilities though, I stil mean a committed relationship. After all we dont live together and I know HE is not ready for it either. Question is can you accept the person you love the way he/she is even if it`s not exactly what you imagined? What comes first? The vision or the person?
And honestly his daughter is very difficult and tiring, and he is completely devoted to her. He should be aware it wont be easy for any woman to handle the situation at once. But it is a tricky topic for a discussion with him, he will be very sensitive I expect. No matter how it sounds but I chose to keep some distance instead of discussing it at the moment.
Posted by asha
And honestly his daughter is very difficult and tiring, and he is completely devoted to her. He should be aware it wont be easy for any woman to handle the situation at once.
Everything else aside, this raises red flags in my book. You say that she is difficult and tiring, maybe you're not ready to have a child in your life - ALL children take work and your view of 'difficult and tiring' may be just that, your view of her. You're perceptions of/feelings toward his daughter are not likely to change and you may in the end feeling resentful. Also, he will pick up on your feelings toward her if you don't speak to him about it. In addition, your perception that it won't be easy for ANY woman to handle the situation is not the reality regardless of the complexity of things (not that you've elaborated).
Not to be a downer, but you may want to allow him to move on and find a woman who is more open to the idea of what is involved in a relationship with this man.
Posted by lildolPosted by asha
You say that she is difficult and tiring, maybe you're not ready to have a child in your life - ALL children take work and your view of 'difficult and tiring' may be just that, your view of her.
click to expand
She is difficult and tiring and this is a fact, they regard her as such at school and parents are obliged to take some measures: see a psychologist, etc. And yes, at the moment I am neither ready nor have the capacity to have a difficult child around me too often; I had my child already. That is precisely what is bothering me: whether we are on the same page as M said.
What I can offer is seeing them together from time to time and seing him more when he is alone. This is me at this stage of my life and I dont think this makes me a bad person or a person who cannot give love, care and devotion. I just cannot replace her mother (and she has a loving and caring mother) and obviously we cannot become a "real" family. Are there no other ways for 2 people to be together except becoming a "real" family?
I really dont get it why I should give up him when I love and want him? Yes he may find a woman who will become a second mother to his child but is this necessary and will it be enough to make HIM happy? And more importantly I dont know if this is what he is looking for.
asha,
I don't know if it's just me, but to be with someone means being a part of their life. To be a part of their life means having to accept all the things that are in their lives, be it baggage, kids, past, etc. Perhaps he might not be a good fit for you?
I don't know if it's just me, but to be with someone means being a part of their life. To be a part of their life means having to accept all the things that are in their lives, be it baggage, kids, past, etc. Perhaps he might not be a good fit for you?
Cowpuncher, I am pretty sure if we changed the shoes I would turn out to be much more supportive and giving in this situation than many Caps would be 🙂. I mean if i was in his situation, living with a difficult child I wonder how supportive a Cap man would be, ah? Coz if I remember correctly this froum is full of posts about Cap men not wanting to commit when there is a hard situation in the woman`s life.
I dont mind his blood and flesh but I care more about my blood and flesh or do you suggest to reverse the order? I am who I am and I think I give a lot so I expect to be accepted this way and there is no need to suffocate each other with unrealistic and untimely expectations.
Ilyb, my friend, Happy New Year to you. He doesn`t want to live together for now but he declared he loved me and it was for life 🙂. I am not into any such declarations, I live day by day. I think prob (well not a real prob) is that my life is bussier and more dynamic while his is much less like that.
Sanyar, I believe the best way is to find the balance between sharing and leaving space; everyone has different needs of this. A good couple is the one that is capable of bal;ancing the needs of the two I think.
I dont mind his blood and flesh but I care more about my blood and flesh or do you suggest to reverse the order? I am who I am and I think I give a lot so I expect to be accepted this way and there is no need to suffocate each other with unrealistic and untimely expectations.
Ilyb, my friend, Happy New Year to you. He doesn`t want to live together for now but he declared he loved me and it was for life 🙂. I am not into any such declarations, I live day by day. I think prob (well not a real prob) is that my life is bussier and more dynamic while his is much less like that.
Sanyar, I believe the best way is to find the balance between sharing and leaving space; everyone has different needs of this. A good couple is the one that is capable of bal;ancing the needs of the two I think.
How is this child difficult? I still think it's personal perception regardless of the fact that "the school and parents are obliged to take some measures" as you put it. The school and parents are obliged to take measures (more so the parents) in regards to children in general. I would have found my sister's children difficult and she would have found mine difficult, does that mean that they were difficult children? Absolutely not! (regardless of the fact that my sister and myself were obliged to take some measures with regards to our children).
M, you may be right as I`ve only been close to 2 Cap men in my life, happily both good. Now judging from your posts I could say I kind of met a third one 🙂
The fact a Cap man could be qualified as good does not mean he could be said to be an easy one though 😉. Same applies to myself.
Lildol, what I know is she is regarded as almost associal. None of my business. My personal impression is she is a loving and lively child with too much energy. Problem is she is only child and both her parents, feeling guilty for the divorse, are too focussed on her. They allow her almost everything, no discipline and she is used to be the center of the universe now. In short she is spoiled and I dont have the appetite or the energy to spend too long with her. This will inevitably create problems if my relationship with this man grow into living together. I have treated my own child differently and certainly will not allow another child to march on my head.
The fact a Cap man could be qualified as good does not mean he could be said to be an easy one though 😉. Same applies to myself.
Lildol, what I know is she is regarded as almost associal. None of my business. My personal impression is she is a loving and lively child with too much energy. Problem is she is only child and both her parents, feeling guilty for the divorse, are too focussed on her. They allow her almost everything, no discipline and she is used to be the center of the universe now. In short she is spoiled and I dont have the appetite or the energy to spend too long with her. This will inevitably create problems if my relationship with this man grow into living together. I have treated my own child differently and certainly will not allow another child to march on my head.
And you said it, Lildol, if it`s your child it`s one thing, you can react the way you see fit but if it`s someone else`s child it`s different; you can only be polite and tolerant as you dont have the rights of a parent and you cannot interfere. Example is I would never accept a 8 years old child hitting his/her parent, shouting all the time for attention and trying to impose his/her will on everyone. And let me say it again this child has ALL her parents attention ALL THE TIME. She is trying to do the same at school and everywhere else but hits the wall and here the "problems" begin.
So, you tell him you don't agree with what is going on and that you think that she needs more structure to help her adjust to the changes that have occurred in her life (parents separating). You say she has all their attention, but it sounds to me like she's acting out - attention seeking behavior - which means she is NOT getting the attention she needs. She doesn't need to be coddled, she needs structure. If you don't want to talk to him about it, buy him a book. Subtle, yet effective. If I were in your shoes, I'd most likely be around the child as much as possible and parent her myself - I have no problem parenting other people's children the way I see fit! Oh, but I'm a Cap, that's a natural role for me - I guide, assist, take care of and parent (everyone/everything).
As for you, you need to simply move on and spare both of you. You cannot have a 'relationship' if you do not want to be fully engaged with this man. You're 'relationship', if you can even call it that, will not last long. He's not going to want to continue on with a woman who is not fully vested in him and his child. There is no future in that!
But, if you just want to pass the time, your prerogative; however you're doing yourself, him and his daughter a disservice.
As for you, you need to simply move on and spare both of you. You cannot have a 'relationship' if you do not want to be fully engaged with this man. You're 'relationship', if you can even call it that, will not last long. He's not going to want to continue on with a woman who is not fully vested in him and his child. There is no future in that!
But, if you just want to pass the time, your prerogative; however you're doing yourself, him and his daughter a disservice.
He sounds like he's serious about you...I mean you're meeting his family...and his daugter, WHOM HE ADORES. There is no way that a parent will introduce someone to their daughter and not have it be serious. He wants you to build a relationship not only with him, but with his daughter too...instead of being happy about it, and you need space to do your own thing—
You need to be sure of what you want. If it's all too much for you,then let him know. There's nothing that hurts more than knowing that the person whom you opened up to is just not ready for that step.
Even though you found someone who seems to make you happy, it's almost as if you're actually looking at him as a liability. His family and daughter included will always be part of his life. If you can't handle them, you cannot handle him. To caps, family is everything. He's not there only when you want him to be, but even when you don't want him to be. You need to think about this very carefully...because once you break it to him that you need some space...he's out. Literally.
You need to be sure of what you want. If it's all too much for you,then let him know. There's nothing that hurts more than knowing that the person whom you opened up to is just not ready for that step.
Even though you found someone who seems to make you happy, it's almost as if you're actually looking at him as a liability. His family and daughter included will always be part of his life. If you can't handle them, you cannot handle him. To caps, family is everything. He's not there only when you want him to be, but even when you don't want him to be. You need to think about this very carefully...because once you break it to him that you need some space...he's out. Literally.
Lildol, being a Cap yourself how do you think he will allow me interfere?
"To caps, family is everything. He's not there only when you want him to be, but even when you don't want him to be. You need to think about this very carefully...because once you break it to him that you need some space...he's out. Literally."
Leila, nope, dont think this is the case with him being there. I am still getting to know him but my impression solidified now is he gives something which he perceives as big (I am not of the same opinion though) and then he expects the world. Too demanding, too high expectations.
May be the real issue is dynamics of our lives are very different; he`s too slow and relaxed while I am a professional with a demanding job and yes, I have staff to do. I`ve been forced to fight for everything in my life while he had it without much efforts.
"To caps, family is everything. He's not there only when you want him to be, but even when you don't want him to be. You need to think about this very carefully...because once you break it to him that you need some space...he's out. Literally."
Leila, nope, dont think this is the case with him being there. I am still getting to know him but my impression solidified now is he gives something which he perceives as big (I am not of the same opinion though) and then he expects the world. Too demanding, too high expectations.
May be the real issue is dynamics of our lives are very different; he`s too slow and relaxed while I am a professional with a demanding job and yes, I have staff to do. I`ve been forced to fight for everything in my life while he had it without much efforts.
Okay...so what is it that you want...? *if you bring this issue up, then you need to knw what you want no...?
Alright, I understand he gives you something and thinks he derserves the world because of that one thing...but have you spoken to him? People are not mind readers. Let him know how you feel, why it makes you feel that way, and what you want him to do differently. Speak to him about all of this, what you want from him, the rate at which you both want to go at. You know, you could ask us all day about this, but you'll never get the proper info you want unless you talk to him.
I just never met a person who introduces his gf to his family and daughter, even though it's still undetermined what you both really want. You're still getting know him? Okay,as long as you're both clear on that, and it's not something that is being assumed ey...
a cap can take a lot if they think you are worth the trouble. btw.
Alright, I understand he gives you something and thinks he derserves the world because of that one thing...but have you spoken to him? People are not mind readers. Let him know how you feel, why it makes you feel that way, and what you want him to do differently. Speak to him about all of this, what you want from him, the rate at which you both want to go at. You know, you could ask us all day about this, but you'll never get the proper info you want unless you talk to him.
I just never met a person who introduces his gf to his family and daughter, even though it's still undetermined what you both really want. You're still getting know him? Okay,as long as you're both clear on that, and it's not something that is being assumed ey...
a cap can take a lot if they think you are worth the trouble. btw.
Yes, you are right, I have to figure things out for myself. I knew from the start there were differences between us, cultural, personal and to an extend social. I somehow let myself take what he gave me as I needed it. With time however, questions pop into my mind when I am confronted with an expression of those differences. Not sure they could be overcome but I am also not so fast taking a decision. Will let time decide.
Posted by Sanyar
asha,
I don't know if it's just me, but to be with someone means being a part of their life. To be a part of their life means having to accept all the things that are in their lives, be it baggage, kids, past, etc. Perhaps he might not be a good fit for you?
+1
Asha, I can totally relate to your situation and know exactly where you are coming from because I have been there. All posts here are thoughtful and understanding, yet Sanyar's post (imo) hits bullseye as it seems to sum up all. If at this point in your life this is not what you want, then say so. To him. He will listen to you. Don't let the fear of losing him stop you. Talking to him about your concerns shows him how much you respect yourself and him. It will go along way and instead of losing him, he will love even deeper (if he is mature) for your courage and faith in the relationship you both share, be it romantic or platonic.
Guys, I appreciate your honest and sincere comments. The thing is not just his daughter, which is the most important creature in his life of course. The thing is he gives me a lot of affection and love but also manages to piss me off quite often, which keeps me in between different decisions. I still have the feeling .. hm, that I am not his ideal. For example couple of minutes ago he asked me why did not I make a different hairdo. I was like "pardon me?!". No man has ever attemped to make suggestions as to how I should wear myself. And the truth is I have been with men far better looking and higher possitioned in life than himself. Such moments make me wonder what the hell am I doing with him?! But tomorrow probably will come moments when he will appear devoted and loving and this will change the direction of my thoughts again.
I cannot decide if he is worth my attention and feelings honestly. I need more time to make up my mind as to which is more valuable for me. I guess I just take what I need from him at present but it will not work in the long run as our backgrounds are too different. May be I am involved in a surrogate of love relationship.
I cannot decide if he is worth my attention and feelings honestly. I need more time to make up my mind as to which is more valuable for me. I guess I just take what I need from him at present but it will not work in the long run as our backgrounds are too different. May be I am involved in a surrogate of love relationship.
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Entering his life and staying there all the time (meeting relaitves and friends whose language I hardly speak) is tiring for me. On the other hand he expects me to do it; he wants a close relationship. Problem is I cannot. I can actually but not all the time, I need space to breath and do my staff. I cannot handle long time with his daughter who lives with him every second week.
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