Drops in communication, need advice

Hey all, cancer here w/ questions about a gem

So heres the lowdown on what Im dealing with; I reconnected with an old friend earlier this year (it had been roughly 13yrs since we had last talked back in grade school). We initially kept it light, but after talking for a while I suggested she come visit me out on the west coast (shes an east coaster); as she was planning on moving and was looking at different areas to live in. We started talking more and more, and eventually (about 2 months ago) I gave her my phone number and that's when things really took off. For roughly a month it was non-stop; I would have a text from her first thing in the morning and it would be back and forth texting till she had to go to sleep or till we called each other till late at night??_there was a genuine connection forming and it was great for both of us. There was mutual respect for each others intelligence, we were both attracted to each other, and it was uncanny how easily we made each other laugh.

Eventually (near the end of july) I asked if she was serious about coming out to visit, and that I??d love to have her out here. I had told her that I was looking at flights and they were cheap enough that I??d be more than happy to split the cost of a flight. She said she was serious about visiting, and that I didn't need to cover any of her costs. Later that night, she booked a flight out for a 5 day long weekend (we both took some time off) in the middle of august. At that point things took an understandable jump in seriousness, and we both began to get more intimate with each other in our communication. She brought up the question of —best and worst case scenarios,?? where her worst case scenario involved having a good time out here, but nothing more than that, and her best case scenario being we get along really well and decide to pursue a relationship. When she did finally arrive here we were attached at the hip for the entire time; we both had a fantastic time.

When the time finally came for her to head back east, she lightly brought up the —best/worst?? question again, asking me if I remembered her asking it. I said —of course, and im glad this wasn't her worst case scenario,?? she laughed and said of course not, and that's were I left it. When she returned to the east she had to start dealing with packing and moving, she was losing a good friend/roommate in the move and was understandably upset??_the problem is that the stress manifested in a near complete drop in communication. Not only in the literal sense, where the frequency at which we talked dropped to near zero, but also the level of intimacy in the way we talked??_ It upset me, but I didn't push the issue??_I figured it could have been any number of things; stress, distance, maybe things got a little too real too quick, and so I took a step back and kept things light (even though it was eating at me). Eventually, nearly an exact week later, things returned to normal like nothing happened: constant texting, phone calls, and the level of intimacy had returned to the previous level

The following weekend (after about a week of —normal?? levels of communication) she heads down south to visit some of the friends she has down there (as shell be moving there soon). Communication is fine all the way through the airport right up to the point where she arrives at her destination, at which point it drops again. This round I chalk up the whole issue to her just getting distracted and im reasonably ok with it??_ I don't expect her to talk to me all the time, however confusing the juxtaposition in communication levels is. Sure enough, at the end of the weekend, things return to normal and its on for about a week.

This is where my current problem is.

Last weekend, communication dropped again. At no point have I pushed this issue or been excessive about trying to get a response out of her. In all actuality Ive been very calm about it and acted like nothing has really been wrong, hoping that the space Im giving her is needed right now as she's dealing with some family stress. This has been eating at me, badly, and Im well aware that It might not even been an issue she notices.

My problem is that I don't know whats up??_ there almost seems to be a pattern in the drops of communication, but I really cant put my finger on whats going on, and it's that unknown factor that's really bugging me. It wouldn't bother me nearly as much if there wasn't such a massive juxtaposition between when the communication is —on?? and when its —off.??

So im ultimately presented with a few choices, and this is where I need some unbiased advice from you guys. My current plan is to talk to her; tell her that this is what Ive noticed and that Im confused. That I really like her (well established on both our accounts) and that Im still excited about visiting her, but need to express my confusion??_ by the way: before she left we made tentative plans for me to come visit, when communication was good we would constantly talk about how excited we were to see each other again. I don't intend on being accusational, angry or really put anything on her, I just want to express my confusion with whats going on.

My obvious fear is that she hasn't noticed any of this for whatever reason, and that this will hit her completely sideways??_ I think at this point, if this is bothering me as much as it is, she needs to know how I feel??_if we cant talk about our feelings what can we talk about, right?


What do you guys think?

Thanks for the quick reply, and Im sorry about the long post, hahaha. The only way i could assure myself that I wasnt leaving out some important info was to include...well...everything

and yes, the whole gem/cancer thing can get rough. Communication is just very important to me, so I appreciate your advice

maybe i should include a TL;DR:

im intimate with a gem via long distance, everything is great when its good, but communication drops from 100% to 0% for periods of time and I dont know how to handle it. Want to talk to her about it, just worried that she wont know what the hell im talking about

Posted by Maddy
Find a moment when she's in a good mood, and ask her nicely why she does that and see where it goes. I don't know how comfortable she's feels with you though, and it depends how much you guys trust each other also.

when communication is good, she vents/confides in me; we've shared a lot ourselves to each other as well. This is part of the reason why Im so confused, to have it go from very intimate to nothing with a seemingly random flip of a switch

I think if you're genuine about only being confused and aren't trying to accuse her of anything she'll be understanding and considerate. The chances are she really doesn't/hasn't noticed how long of a time she keeps this up. I slip in and out of communication often for the reasons you've given. If I get too wrapped up in things time seems to fly. I think this problem would be expanded by the fact that there is such a distance between you two. Its easier to keep up with people when they live with me. My free time is spent typically at the same place their free time is spent. Problem = solved.

I wouldn't be afraid to approach her though. If a person is guilty/angry at you for just expressing confusion then, no matter what the sign, obviously there are other problems.

Posted by Sickleesweet
I wouldn't be afraid to approach her though. If a person is guilty/angry at you for just expressing confusion then, no matter what the sign, obviously there are other problems.

I appreciate you writing this...this is what Ive believed all along, I guess Im just worried about the chance that there ARE other problems...only one way to find out i guess

I appreciate everyone's input.

turns out she WAS mad at me, for a miscommunication issue...but thats a moot point, as I ended up talking to her about where we "were" and where we were going and she just doesnt want to do a long distance thing 😢 This hit me sideways, as our actions/attitude toward each other was very intimate (aside from the silence on her part i guess)

She mentioned that Im still important to her, and that she wants me in her life...I simply said I couldnt resign to just being friends, that I cared too much about her. Why on earth do you girls do this?

I left it by saying Ill talk to you later, im still unsure if I actually will...if I do I think it will just be to reiterate the fact that I cant be just her friend, that I cant step back from where we were to something less. This is just painful...it hurts to lose someone you connected with on this level


on to the healing I guess :/