A lion's war.

Hey there everyone, I am new to this board. I am a male Leo, Capricorn rising, and Libra moon.

Ill tell you a little about me, then ill get to the dilemma I am facing.

Actually, it is really hard to tell anyone about me, because even if I told you, you wouldnt ever truely understand.

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I am about to be 19 and a college student. I enjoy to work out everyday and learning. Infact, if you knew me, you would know that my mind is a large database of information ranging various topics. I know a little about everything. Some people are a master of a trade, while I am a master of all trades. If there is something I dont know about, I will learn it. I am really a self taught person, constantly teaching myself new things. Learning new things just makes me happy. I am a multi talented person.

My main love is learning about politics and the military. I am a real military person, I guess I view war in a very romantic way. In the next few years I plan to join the US Army Infantry, hopefully get out, become a firefighter, then one day become a police officer.

I love the outdoors, working out, adventure, biking, hiking, shooting guns, and stuff like that.

I am an artist, mostly graffiti nowadays. I do most other forms of art, but my art is mostly graffiti-like. I love all forms of art.

I am a real talker, not that I talk a lot, just I believe I am good at it. I am able to discuss politics with politicians, discuss the history of war with some veterans, then go back to my house in the ghetto, and talk to my friends about who got shot the other day. I easily adapt the way I talk to the person I am talking too. Maybe you can say I have many faces, but I believe that it is just one large very complex face capable of changing its expression to suit the situation.

My family is weird. My mom is extremely cool, even though sometimes she just throws things at me and expects them to make me happy. My dad is in San Quintin Prison, he is a "career criminal". He left our family for herroin. My oldest brother is not the smartest guy, and relys on my mom a LOT. He is a drug dealer. My other older brother is just an asshole, plain and simple. My mom is a Pieces. My dad and brothers are Aries. I have a big pet cat named Beino, he is like my son, my little baby lion.

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I have a big pet cat named Beino, he is like my son, my little baby lion.

That is sooo cute. I had a cat, but it died. 😢

Hi Un le?n de Dios. I am sure you will like it around here and find help.

One thing about is that I both love and hate is my ability to think. I think so much it is crazy. This trait allows me to see things from all sides amongst other things. It also makes me extremely observant of everything, and no matter what, I can find the negatives in everything. I can see people doing me wrong even though they are trying their best to hide it, which is pretty stupid on their part because I am constantly examining every detail of every situation. I notice this stuff and I just hold it in and pull back. I pull back so far where I have no one. What do you expect though, if you knew the bad things people were doing to you, would you stay there and take it? Is it possible to find someone who wont do these things to you?

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This brings me to my dilemma. Ill make it simple for those of you who are sick of reading. All my life I have forced myself to be alone, because everytime I step out of my mental fortress, I get extremely hurt. This is not me being emotional, the things people I love do to me is horrible.

I was in love with a Libra girl. I have known her for about 6 years now. During the 5th year I knew her, our senior year of highschool, we had started to go out. She did me so wrong, she didnt cheat because she is not that sexual kind of girl, but she had constantly lied to me, and me with my overactive mind has easily caught these lies. Our relationship was a lie, as if we were never together.

She really likes everything about me, and complements me often. She says I speak the words of God, and that one day I will do extremely great things. She likes my odd sense of humor, my art, and just my personallity. She really believes that I am perfect.

We had went to HS prom together, and she left me to hang out with her friend(a female), she left me again on Senior trip, forgot my birthday which is when I tried to kill myself. To this day I havent told anyone that I tried and almost succeeded killing myself on my birthday. Why on my birthday? Because every year for 18 years it has been so fucking lonely, having no one to talk to. She stood me up on Christmas also. I hung out with her on her birthday, but I just left hurt as ever. There are many other bad things she has done to me.

For everything she has done to me, I have always came back when she asked. I love and miss her so much. Sometimes I wonder, do I miss her, or do I just miss having someone?

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Now, I have no one. It feels as if I am in jail. I work out all day and read. Everything seems so meaningless. During these kinds of times I look at them as if God is giving me time to ready myself for another great battle, and maybe one day I will win this war.

There is so much more I could tell you about myself, my life, and this situation, but I will not waste your time any longer. Thank you for listening to a part of my story. I am still at war.

PS: Why did I post this? Do I want sympathy? Do I want all of you to feel sorry for me?

No, I just want to be heard.

Now that I have posted this, I really wish I could delete it.

Sometimes I depend on others to tell me how much I am worth. I am never satisfied with any of my accomplishments, because I know after I finnish one thing, there is another to take its place. Even if most people couldn't accomplish it in the first place, I still look down upon myself if I don't accomplish that goal with absolute perfection.

It is not one girl, the story I told you was one of my many battles I have fought throughout my life. Although it was a rather large battle that left large scars (for the better...Or for the worst?) I still go on everyday trying my best. I just want people to be proud of me.

When I pull back, I pull back. I cancel my cellphone, delete my email account, and get rid of all other forms of communication. I do not go out, I just train (work out and increase my knowledge) for the day when God calls on me to fight another battle. I have just entered another phase like this, it has been 3 weeks. Maybe it is because I am on a brief summer break from college, so I don't have much to do.

I know I don't need anyone, but all my life I have really wanted a woman who I could trust, and that I feel really unconditionally loves me. I am very patient though, it just gets to me sometimes.

I just wish I was "normal".

BTW: If you are wondering what my name means, it is "A lion of God".

Hello Lion,
You are writing because you are reaching out and want to be heard...thats ok...we all want/need to vent and hear what others suggest.

You are young...ahhhh...young love. With each realtionship, you will grow and learn from previous mistakes. We will always love an dremmeber our first love, you may think you will never have that ever again (maybe thats why you miss her so much even though she has hurt you) but I assure you, you will love over and over again.

I think therapy and/or counceling is the best bet for you sweetie. This is all a part of life and growing up, all considered very normal.

Hi Un lion,

I'm cappysweetie 😉 I'm a college student too but I'm 21 ... yep I'm an old timer 😄

Hey I use to be a perfectionist until I realized that "life" isn't perfect so why should I try to be better than "life" 🙂