An update from my vent.....

That weekend my mother and I got into it. She is the type that likes to keep control over people's lives (as a Leo, you know we do not do well if people trying to control us) and she likes to give. But her giving comes with a price. If things do not go her way you become an unappreciative person and she does all this stuff for everyone. I always reject her assistance in any manner and always tell her no because I know she isn't doing it to help, but to boost her self esteem up. So it came down to he verbally attacking me and what an awful and ungrateful daughter I was. With everything else going on in my life, that string I had holding me together finally snapped and I feel deep. I realize now that maybe I needed to cut that fragile string a long time ago. It was not working and why try to repair something that is broken and not working. So my outlook has changed, I still struggle, but my new theme for now is, things are not working and I need to fix me. The last time I have been through a major life transformation was 12 years. I have done tinkering her and there but nothing major. Obviously in my life, things are not working anymore and I need to do another overhaul.

The prodigal husband returned last Monday. As you know I was very freaked out about him coming back. I think I realized the reason I was afraid was because I was afraid of all those feelings of love to come rushing back into me and I would be confused again and have to go through this confusing process again. It didn't happen. When I saw him, I felt nothing. This gave me great relief. I know it over. We had a big talk Wednesday night, and I just don't get him anymore. He is very illogical in his thought process and doesn't seem to get it. He is very negative and still blames me for everything. And you know what, I wasn't upset after this talk as I used to get.

I got the PSA from my lawyer and we are trying to get him to sign it before he leaves the country again. (he is talking about leaving in June) He doesn't get why we have to go through the courts. But with talking with my lawyer, I asked her what the process was going to be for the divorce when he will be gone when that one year mark comes. She told me we could use any date I wanted for the separation and as long as he signs the PSA it doesn't matter. I knew this was an option, but didn't think I could do that. She put it, how long has the marriage been over for you. Yeah we have passed that 1 year mark.

So we put down the date June 1 2012. This took me for a shock. I don't know if I had that little sliver of hope or the reality this could be over before I was ready. I thought I had a few more months to prepare myself for the divorce. The loss of the relationship and getting over the feeling that the marriage failed. I did not marry to get divorced and this was supposed to be forever. This was not how I expected my marriage to end, but for it to be until death do us part. But I can't do this anymore. I know if I went back I would be miserable for the rest of my life and unhappy. There are so many issues and it is very complex. So if I know it is over, why put it off any longer. If he agrees to the date, this can be wrapped up by June and he can go back to where he had gone and I can put closure to this part of my life and start to move on with myself and my life instead of remaining in a holding pattern. I have so much work to do on myself. So I could be divorced by next month.

Work is going better. I have been able to show my new boss thus far my worth this past week. So hopefully this has taken a better turn with my job.

Life seems to be taking a turn for the better. I still have my rough time and steps back but I am identifying things in my life I need to improve on. I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and so blessed to have this feeling.

Thank you for everything!! Even just the listening ear.

seraph, it is still an issue. Before I presented him with the PSA we had a big discussion about everything. His big thing was me filing and taking him to court over Custody, Support, and Visitation. He didn't understand why I was taking him. I told him it doesn't matter what mean we go through: the courtroom, mediation or through a PSA it will need to be filed through the court. If we do mediation or the PSA we could to agreement ourselves and it will just be filed. We are not together so there needs to be an order in place for the children's protection.

He responded I am not taking the kids from you.

Me: How can I believe you, one moment you are telling me you would never take the kids from me and the next breath you are asking them who they want to live with. And how dare YOU put that type of pressure on these children. You do not do that to children. Yes the girls are old enough to add input if this went to trail, but it is the judge who makes the decision. You are stressing them out and forcing them to choose between there mother and farther, and I am not there when you are asking. That is cruel to do to them.

Him: Well you are the one putting them in that position because you kicked me out.

SMH...there is no reasoning with him. I am tired of the merry go round. My friend pointed out to that I always take all the blame for everything. And he is right I do. So no more, I will accept blame where it belongs but I refuse to take total blame for everything anymore from anyone.

Long story short, if we can come to an agreement on the PSA and he signs it I will be good. These are the items I will bend on unless he is 100% sure he is not leaving the country again and if this is still an option these items will change:

1. I get Sole Physical and Legal Custody
2: Visitation is set forth as we have mutually agreed upon.
3. Neither Parent will take the children out of the country unless we both agree on it.
4. If we are going to take the kids out of state for longer then 1 day then proper notification needs to be made to other party.

I have established in the agreement we are to maintain a separate email address to be used for any communication/notification that has to do with what we have agreed upon in the PSA.

Until an agreement has been made he will see the kids, but I will be with them at all times. I can not trust him not to do anything. He has said one thing then said another thing behind my back.

I have to protect the children and hopefully we can have an agreement signed and filed by next week. I asked him if he had read any of the PSA, he replied he skimmed through it. I asked any questions. He said no, not at this time. I hope to sit down with him on Wednesday to discuss it and hopefully get the formal agreement for us to have notarized back by Friday. If I get this in place, I will be relieved and know the kids legally leave the country.

Thanks Seraph!! And thank you for asking. The custody has been a big issue for me especially with the possibility of him leaving the country with them. If I can get this in place, I will be so relieved. The one thing you don't threaten is a Lioness's children. You will see the worst of us as we protect our young fiercely.

He is complete ass. He has no arguments against the PSA I presented him he just doesn't want to go through the courts and any shape or manner. He was us to work it out between us. I tried to offer the easiest route to him but yet make sure my children's future is safe and secure and he still is fighting me. Like I said before, he is a person of extreme. He is either on way or the polar opposite. There is no in between for him. So his final response last night was, fine we are going through the courts we will go the whole nine yards and let the judge decide. It isn't that he even wants to the kids, he just wants to be an ass. It isn't like he will be able to even prove he could provide for the children. He can't even afford a lawyer. WTH?? I am offering to pay for the PSA and final Divorce is is it uncontested and we come to mutual agreements and he wants to fight it all the way just out of spite. I am done with Leo men. Grrr.

I did try that approach with him and telling him this was the easiest way to go through this process and everything can be done by June so he will not be restricted in his life. He even has input instead of leaving it in the judges hands, it was a mutual agreement between us and my lawyer files it thru the court. Our only appearance would be for the final decree to be entered and this could be what the final decree be. His issue: 1. He still wants to be with me. 2. He does not want the courts involved. Then what else, we have no choice but the courts.

No Leo men are not the problem, that was my little dramatic flare from my exhausting emotions. I do think you are right and once he cools down and really thinks about it, he may change his mind. He is like that and always have been. I let it known today he has his two weeks to consult a lawyer then I proceed on and put additional money out to retain my current lawyer for the current hearing coming up in JDR for custody, support and visitation.

We will see if the 2week cool off period will work. Since he isn't really working (well a secret job that I think is under the table and no stable place to live) his eyes will bug at the cost for a lawyer.

Thanks Seraph!