Is this just because of personal feelings?

Last night my sister and brother-n-law was involved in a domestic abuse situation.Although I never asked a for it,one person says they would have done the same thing to her and another thinks things turned out the way they should've.They had been over for a week,she was only hanging out with him for the kids so they don't feel abandoned by her.He decided he wanted to play touchy feely and wouldn't take no for an answer without a REAL reason for it.So she lied and said she cheated on him,he hit her in the chest and started pushing her to the ground threatening that he was going to kill her.He broke BOTH his and her phone and basically still poke his head into my door and looked surprised for some reason or another when I was still up and had the phone to my ear,AFTER she already closed the door and left.I didn't know what was going on when she yelled in to call the cops but had nieces over there so no need for an explaination really for me to do it.I go over there and heard what happened tried to keep my cool for the most part because the kids were screaming,he keeped ranting that any other man would've killed you to her and that she was being stupid because of the fact that he just hit her.From my perspective he was turning everything into her fault and using her low self esteem(which she does have always have)I stayed out of the verbal stuff and just tried to keep the kids calm.Finally we leave BUT then she was telling the kids bye and that she loved.BAD MOVE came out of him to tick me off he decided to throw in"if you loved them you wouldn't have cheated on me",THE ABOSOLUTE WORST THING YOU CAN SAY IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS TO ME especially being that thier my nieces so I threw it in his face that he's just as guilty for thier throwing themselves on the ground and screaming.And they were also screaming for me after they gave up on calling for thier mom which eat at me.Because my parents did say things like that in front of me and her as children so we're a bit screwed up.Cops came he went to jail he's not allowed to see them=GOOD to me because these things aren't new.Plus a retired teacher thats a neighbor witnessed that he loses his temper and yells and curses at the kids for just being kids.Afterwards she was saying that he was an innocent man because she lied to him=to me it's classic beaten wife excuses.But a different person sees things his way.So I Want opinions by people how aren't emotionally involved comments to see if it's just me or if he is in the wrong.

HUMANS??..People with the violent back grounds are stupid, no matter how and what?I am with you with this lady

He's also bi polar with homicidal tendencies and was beaten and witnessed his mother being beaten as a child,these things have a habit of repeating themselves.He was treating his kids the same way last night only it was emotionally and psychlogically rather than physically YET anyways.

Emotional black mails are always the closest force to use against the loved one...!

That wasn't emotional black mail I didn't notice anyone already posted when that second post was put in.

But if you mean he was doing it yes he was doing it

Thank you by the way

Tiamat.. you gotta remember that... people changes...astrologers believes on planetary effects, what ever it is... it changes people drastically?. Those you KNOW today may act differently tomorrow and really? no body is to be blame? that?s the way life is.. if you try to understand this.. you may save yourself a lot of trouble in the future? people changes especially those who are sensitive?!

Tiamat I could not complete reading the full post but sorry to learn about the abuse. My feelings are with you. It is so terrible for kids to witness this. I will read your post later to know more of what happened.

Take Care Dear. Stay away form your B-in-law and keep the kids and your sis too away from him.

To Tiamat(I really don't know if my opinion is accepted here)

I do believe your right, but what your sister did is somewhat over the line. Like come on, put yourself in his shoe you'll also get hurt and doing so in front of yours kids like what the H*** is that. I think what your sister late actions justify's it, for proclaiming that his innocent. However, still he should go to jail for child abuse and should go to assylum, because he just a sick A**HOLE and needs psychological treatment.

And your decision to stay away from him with your sister and nieces should always be implemented, that is for your own safety. It might not be to long before he became a PSYCHO.

this is horrible. f**k astrology, sorry qbone, no offence but this stuff is serious. we can not find excuses for this kind of behaviour!!! violent people can change, true! but until they do we can not find excuses for what they do!

tiamat, what your brother-in-law has done is WRONG! my opinion!

i hope your sis, the kids and you can stay away from him, because this is what you really need to do, now. no matter how often your partner has cheated on you (because he believed she cheated on him) that's no reason to beat people!!! and threaten to kill them, wooooo. no way!

you can leave your cheating partner, if you can't forgive them! but no violence.

and using the kids as weapon! GOD!!! this is crazy. not because he can hurt HER through this, but because he traumatises the children. they don't understand a lot of things yet and are easily influenced, and probably scared to death. and this feeling will stay with them for a long time.

tiamat, is your sister financially independent? does she have a job? would she have enough money to care for the children on her own?
what you said about her low self esteem is a good point. she needs to build that up!!! unfortunately you wouldn't be able to force her to become independent. she has to be willing. so, you need to convince her somehow. only then you can help her, i'm afraid 😢

tiamat, i'm sorry you and your family are in that situation!
good luck and if i can be of any help, say so... even if it's only listening (erm, reading!)

lizard

I know that there is no excuses for bad behaviour.. I was trying to explain it?. We humans are strange and our behaviour is depends on many factors? like planetary positions.. etc? still I don?t make any excuses?

You can be good today?. Asshole tomorrow? no body knows?

Sorry the language?

"You can not Judge anybody because some thing happen spontaneous in their life?." I am not sure about tiamat and her life's background but I trust her.. and that?s it? things happen.. and nobody can stop it before it is too late..

Imagine you are sensitive... and something happen in your everyday life.... what do you do..?? control yourself—... good? but what if you can not..??

if you can not control yourself, you work on it, if it involves hurting people!!! if it's just yelling, or getting heated easily, that's OK!!! but if it's hurting people physically or traumatising children, because they really can't defend themselves against such things, then you need professional help!!!

still i seen what you mean, qbone. and you have a good point there. you've explained well why people (maybe) do such things. and didn't say "no mercy", "hunt him down and make no prisoners"!!!

but i can't tolerate this!

if he can't control himself, fine! but why do tiamats sister and the kids have to be around when it happens? i still think they should get away from him!

and i knew you weren't trying to make excuses! it just sounded a bit so and i only wanted to make sure that there can be an explanation but no excuse for this.

i meant: "I" didn't say "no mercy", "hunt him down and make no prisoners"!!!

I am not sure lizard....

As I have suggested,, "emotional black mail"?. Could be something else.. I don?t know? people may act differently under special circumstances.. perhaps he lost his job? or as tiamat says her spouse makes that difficult for him as to say she cheated on him.. see.. those patterns makes things wild?.!!

Sometimes are difficult to act responsible when things goes wild? this could be the issue he was careless at that day? but he will care the day after? I don?t like judging people because of they had a bad day?!!

But one thing to say...! I hate violent people... violence is not the option?. But some people take that as a relief? it?s the only way they know?!!

T~~

I usually never comment on things this personal but I just feel for all of you but mainly the children b/c they are so innocent. If I am reading correctly, your sister is split up from her husband correct? Does she have the will power to stay away from him for good? It sounds to me like she should get the legal system involved b/c there are children involved here and I do not just mean having him arrested for that night. For some reason, and I could be wrong, if I read b/t the lines I felt like this is not the first time your b-in-l has done this. Am I correct? Obviously, your b-in-law has some major, major anger and emotional issues that should be resolved b/f your sister goes back to him (if, in fact, she is separated from him) and definetly b/f the kids are left alone w/him. I'm sorry if I sound rude but your b-in-law sounds like the type of person I can't stand the most. One that will use the kids againt your sister if he needed to. This could be dangerous. Personally, I would gently encourage your sister (b/c obviously she is still in love w/him for her to try and justify what he did by saying she provoked him) to be strong enough to get legal help meaning supervised visitation, possibly restraining order if this is not the first time and maybe even if it is the first time b/c it will only get worse. Once that has been established help persuade your sister to seek counseling for herself for her low self esteem. She will never be whole until she learns how to have a high self esteem and self respect and this will more than likely be passed down to your neices.

*****************************************
Because my parents did say things like that
in front of me and her as children so we're
a bit screwed up
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T~~ maybe if your sister is not willing on her own to seek counseling you could offer to go along with her. After reading the comment you made above, (and I certainly am not being disrespectful here just offering my opinion) it could motivate her if she's not willing to go and also help you both not to mention the children. Only good could come of this I think anyways. Just my opinion.

I wish you and your family the best of luck and hope things work out for you.

Besos~~

Sometimes I can't understand people. For example like these ones. There are may be bad things about a particular person that drives you crazy. But even then, why do you live with that person and allow the things to become that bad? If you see that the person is not good for you, then stop the relationship (it doesn't matter the level of it, even a marriage) with that person. Why to let things come to violence? I can understand some people who go for violence, but I can undestand the people who let the situation to come to violence.

Violence is not allowed in the world. PERIOD.

"but I cant undestand the people who let the situation to come to violence."

everyone in our personal life talked to her,let her know they don't like the idea of her going to court tommorrow to drop the charges,but shes doing it anyways.out of anyones hands except maybe the judges now.somehow or another this made her realise that she does love him.guess the only thing to do now is wait and hope everything turns out okay either way.alot of paranioa but can't force anything.

kids said no when she asked them if they wanted to talk to him on the phone.the one that did most of the crying during the situation has become extremely clingy and extra loving.the other one that for the most part sat there stiff and eyes wide open is having a really tough time.shes extra sensitive to everything,shes hitting the other niece alot within only two days.she was just told in a normal tone to sit down rather than stand on a chair and started crying excessively,as well as little things like the movie she was watching was over,a bug was in the house etc.got any thing to suggest with that one?

I'm sorry to say, but the woman in question will stay in it until something really bad happens. It will take more than this for her to realize she deserves better than this.

Some people have to go all the way to the bottom before they start coming back up.

Give her the phone number of the nearest place she can go to for help; tell her the authorities will be called if the kids are ever hurt; but leave her alone.

As long as she gives in to him, nothing else is going to work.

the kids both need an environment where they feel safe and loved, in the long term. they need stability and reliability. and patience, because it will take a long time till they're back to normal. i hope and wish that they'll recover soon 🙂 i just don't think that that's realistic. it'll probably take it's time.

just a suggestion: maybe some destruction, like stuff that kids like. for example a visit to the zoo. but not to the big and scary animals. just the cute fluffy ones. what do you think—

sorry!!! i meant DISTRACTION, not DESTRUCTION!