ninjamu
@ninjamu
16 Years1,000+ PostsLeo
Comments: 0 · Posts: 2999 · Topics: 75
Probably partly due to my past
You're right about what you learned in your psych class. It makes perfect sense. It's also true that I have the capability of decorating quite spectacularly if I wanted to. Unfortunately, I don't want to. However, I am quite experienced in celebrating the holidays and pulling out the big guns in decorating. I was really into it growing up and we went all out. I also used to be anal retentive about perfect gift-wrapping techniques. My leo side really comes out when giving gifts but it came out even moreso as a kid. I'm not too worried about wrapping gifts extravagantly anymore but it was a must then. Shiny papers, ribbons, the whole 9 yards. However, my gift giving packages are much more creative now. I was given the ability to lead the way. I got to pick out the food items to be served, the trees (for christmas), the colors themes, almost everything.
To me, it feels like I just don't wanna deal with all the material stuff involved. I have a deep resentment for "things". I feel like this all mostly generates from my first example; being raised by pack rats. I recall that feeling I had when I was able to tear myself away from that place. When I just went ahead and cleared my life of all the clutter and let go of the trivial attachments to my things. I kept what was necessary but I was holding onto things such as shoeboxes filled with stupid notes my friends and i wrote back and forth in class together... since the 6th grade through high school. I realize that I am sentimental but it was getting ridiculous. I felt cluttered and disorganized inside. I truly felt that what I was feeling on the inside had manifested itself in my immediate environment. I see that even now to this day. When I start to see my home get too messy, when I start to let too many chores fall to the wayside, I start feeling like crap inside. It's when I see this physical manifestation that I start to realize I was already kinda feeling like crap inside anyway. When I start to clean it back up, I feel a lot better about myself and I become productive with my time again. It's a 2-way street though. Things start looking bad if I'm already feeling bad and vice-versa. There is an apparent anxiety directly associated with accumulating too many things. Ugh... the thought is still overwhelming. Like suffocating or drowning in a sea of useless crap. *shudders*
To me, it feels like I just don't wanna deal with all the material stuff involved. I have a deep resentment for "things". I feel like this all mostly generates from my first example; being raised by pack rats. I recall that feeling I had when I was able to tear myself away from that place. When I just went ahead and cleared my life of all the clutter and let go of the trivial attachments to my things. I kept what was necessary but I was holding onto things such as shoeboxes filled with stupid notes my friends and i wrote back and forth in class together... since the 6th grade through high school. I realize that I am sentimental but it was getting ridiculous. I felt cluttered and disorganized inside. I truly felt that what I was feeling on the inside had manifested itself in my immediate environment. I see that even now to this day. When I start to see my home get too messy, when I start to let too many chores fall to the wayside, I start feeling like crap inside. It's when I see this physical manifestation that I start to realize I was already kinda feeling like crap inside anyway. When I start to clean it back up, I feel a lot better about myself and I become productive with my time again. It's a 2-way street though. Things start looking bad if I'm already feeling bad and vice-versa. There is an apparent anxiety directly associated with accumulating too many things. Ugh... the thought is still overwhelming. Like suffocating or drowning in a sea of useless crap. *shudders*
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This is a pattern set on loop that has been going on since I left home at 18. Every year around the holidays I find myself having no desire to partake in decorating my place of residence nor the activities that go along with them (i.e. pumpkin carving, christmas tree, etc.). A lot of people think I'm so weird for not being festive. They seem to assume that if I'm not doing these things that I am depressed or something which is far from the truth. I'm not fond of what the holidays turn people into (crazy, greedy monsters to a degree) but I like other aspects such as lots of good food and bringing people together to party/celebrate pretty much.
I have come up with a few reasons as to why I might be like this:
1.) I was raised by people who were borderline hoarders. I grew up with the same jar of preserved peaches, sitting and collecting dust on a shelving unit in my basement, from birth to when I left home. They were pack rats and not very clean either. I was like that for a time during my teenage years but when I left home I flipped a 180. I can't stand too much clutter and do not own any knick-knacks. My home is very simple, yet tasteful and homey, but there is hardly any decorum. It's hard for me to keep anything around that isn't useful or functional in some way. I think it looks nice, and I love it when other people do it, but it pains me to have it for myself.
2.) I'm ridiculously practical. It takes my time and effort to put up decorations. I have a difficult time justifying investing so much time in it to be around for a night or 2. I do have a small child, and I know these holidays are all super fun for them, but luckily my son doesn't care too much about it. It satisfies him to make an activity out of it... in other peoples' homes.
3.) I have a lazy streak. I just don't feel like it and I'd rather put my energy into the other aspects that I enjoy such as the cooking, hosting, and socializing. I just like events that bring the people I love/like together so that we may "drink and be merry!" (although drinking is not required).