Twisted astrology for all

I am posting this here so that I don't have to go to every sign's message boards to post their individual jokes...if you are sensitive to potentially offensive jokes, don't read any further...but I really don't think anyone's that candy-a s s around here, lol. Not that the "b" word is replaced by "friend"...and I think by now we all know what butter and treetrunking stand in for. There is also some more examples of "colorful" language in here as well...I have no idea if the filters will catch it, so...this should be interesting 😉

From "The Starry-Eyed Zodiascope":

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Aggressive is one word for it, but domineering, overbearing and arrogant are other words that can describe Aries the Ram. Aries are about a subtle as a falling anvil and will think nothing of bellowing their opinions like mantras. Aries? idea of parity is when they get 99% of the spoils. In war, they are not only vicious fighters, they are also the profiteers and opportunists. Those born under the sign of Aries include: Pat Robertson (March 22), Lucrezia Borgia (April 19), Adolph Hitler (April 20).

TAURUS (Apr 21 - May 21)
Astrology books say they are persevering but that?s just another word for too darn stubborn. Taureans are slow to catch on, conservative to the point of reactionary and appallingly gluttonous. There?s no stopping them once they?ve made their mind made up. Unfortunately, it takes them so long to make up their mind, the opportunity is often stale news. Those born under the sign of Taurus include: Lenin (April 22), Saddam Hussein (April 28), Eva Peron (May 7), Jim Jones (May 13).

GEMINI (May 22 - Jun 21)
Fickle, flighty and just plain annoying; sound vaguely familiar? Geminis are always looking for the best deal for themselves even if it means stepping on the backs of old friends to get it. On the bright side, Geminis toss off friends as fast as they make them so there aren?t too many old friends left to lose. Those born under the sign of Gemini include: Latoya Jackson (May 29), Pat Boone (June 1), Donald Trump (June 14).

CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 23)
Cancer the Crab is an apt symbol. These people are crabby by nature and cast a pall over any festive gathering with their rampant paranoia. Spending an evening with them is like walking on eggshells laced with glass. Their moodiness is just a thin veneer for a more pathological lunacy. But don?t worry; their more excessive displays are usually saved for those they love. Lucky souls! Those born under the sign of Cancer include: Mike Tyson (June 30), Franz Kafka (July 3), O.J. Simpson (July 9), Lizzie Borden (July 19).

LEO (Jul 24 - Aug 23)
Leos are pompous fools who think they know everything. The fact is that they can become so bamboozled by false flattery that they become unwitting mouthpieces for crooks and connivers. Astrology books say that Leos are ?theatrical? but that?s just another word for boorish, vain and loud. Those born under the sign of Leo include: Benito Mussolini (July 29), Mata Hari (August 7), Kathie Lee Gifford (August 16), Leni Riefenstahl (August 22).

VIRGO (Aug 24 - Sep 23)
Virgos are the cheapest souls in the zodiac who recycle gifts and never buy lunch. They?re clean to the point of compulsion and always think that they are right even in the face of unassailable evidence to the contrary. Show me a sniveling, ferret-faced nerd who periodically smells his armpits and I?ll show you a Virgo. Those born under the sign of Virgo include: Yasser Arafat (August 27), Caligula (August 31), Joseph Kennedy (September 6).

LIBRA (Sep 24 - Oct 23)
Libras lounge around and say that the world doesn?t appreciate them. The fact is that they are lazy and have no intention of making any effort on their own behalf. The astrology books say Libras are charming and diplomatic, but fail to say that they use this to gain sympathy and

Filters changed "a $ $ hole" to "marker", and "c 0 ck sure" to "houseproud".

That cracks me up. lol

also, the filters changed "c 0 cksicle" to "heysicle". LOL

In my first post on this thread, it should say, "Note that the b word is replaced with friend", instead of ""Not that the b word is replaced with friend".

Alright... that was hilarious. I'm a pisces and I was cracking up the whole time. I'll tell you what they got right and what wasn't for me.

Creativity- writers, artists, "creativity is often achieved through deprivation", "reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs", "prone to depression", sneaky, emotional, paranoid, vivid imagination, living in another world (LoL that one's true), and nerdy are pretty right on to my personality.

However..."think nothing of sponging off their friends", glamorous, "incapable of fidelity", opium-smoker and drunk, and "sexually inept" (i won't elaborate) are downright wrong.

Oh and LoL- I know a Leo that fits those descriptions perfectly.

Gwendylyn, lol, I'm glad you could enjoy some of it. I take these with a grain of salt because I think they're taking the worst aspects of each sign and putting them under a magnifying glass for the purpose of being humorous. And humorous they are...yeah I agree on the Leo one, I will have to print that out and give it to my boyfriend, who is a Leo, and who will probably say, "yeah, that's me. So what!" LOL.