Can a married woman and a single guy be friends?

I have to post this because my guy friend doesn't believe me. My Pisces intuition is kicking up big time about a situation of his.

A female friend of his that he hadn't seen in over 6 years recently tracked him down through a mutual friend. She got his number and called him about a week and a half ago. The story...I don't know when they met but I know that when he used to know her, she was single and he was married with a baby on the way. Now she's the married one and he's divorced.

Since she got back in touch with him, she's been over to his house every 2 to 3 days. She comes over at 8pm and stays until midnight. She usually brings some alcohol with her...Jack Daniels, whatever...so he can drink with her. There is nothing sexual going on at the moment. She just comes and talks..ALOT.

My friend is not sure if she even tells her husband where she's at when she comes over. She talks about how he works too much, how he got mad at her for something stupid the other day, how he's self-absorbed and doesn't really take her out or spend time with her. She has a nightcap every night whether she's alone at my friend's house.

I'm telling my friend that he had better watch out. I think she's telling her relationship problems to a single good-looking guy friend in hopes that he will be her knight in shining armor, save her from her sham of a marriage and shower her with all the attention and love that she's been craving. He thinks I'm being ridiculous but he knows I've been right about everyone else that I've warned him about. He's been in this situation before so he's either in denial or he enjoys the attention and doesn't want to admit it. He says he's not attracted to her and he says that if she wanted something, she would've hit on him long ago. When HE was married and expecting a baby? I think not. I told him I won't tell him what to do in this situation but to mark my words and be careful before things turn ugly.

What do you think? Am I right?

"He thinks I'm being ridiculous but he knows I've been right about everyone else that I've warned him about."

He likely doesn't think you are ridiculous about your assessments of his friend, just it in itself because it's his life to live.

"He's been in this situation before so he's either in denial or he enjoys the attention and doesn't want to admit it."

Or, maybe she's just a friend in need and feels safe with him. She's having marital strife and needs a shoulder to cry on .. that's what friends do for each other and not every person has a hidden agenda. If he's been in this situation before, then this must mean he's a really good listener and enjoys helping people cope emotionally.

"He says he's not attracted to her and he says that if she wanted something, she would've hit on him long ago."

I should think he has more awareness about his own feelings and of this friend he's had for 6 years. If he claims to not be attracted to her, then I believe that this is how he actually feels. And, yet, because he cares about her situation and would listen to her cries of distress when she needs a friend .. he will sit with her for hours and listen to her problems. So, it sounds to me as though he cares about her very much.

Pisc74 - I think your instincts are right on! If she truly was seeking help for improvement she would seek out the knowledge of a therapist or someone qualified to help her.

What I feel she is seeking at the moment is attention from another available MALE and he is filling the bill for her. The beginning of an affair -

"He likely doesn't think you are ridiculous about your assessments of his friend, just it in itself because it's his life to live."

You're wrong P-angel. He thinks I'm ridiculous because she's married and also because she's never tried anything with him before. I told him obviously her being married doesn't mean too much because she's at his house every other day at night while her husband is working. She's never introduced them, nor does my friend know if she even tells her husband where she is going at night. When they used to know each other, he was the married one with a baby on the way. Of course she wouldn't have hit on him then. If you read my post well, they've only become recently reacquainted in the past 2 weeks. Already she starts confiding in him about her marriage? I don't see any of my female friends that often.

"Or, maybe she's just a friend in need and feels safe with him. She's having marital strife and needs a shoulder to cry on .. that's what friends do for each other and not every person has a hidden agenda. If he's been in this situation before, then this must mean he's a really good listener and enjoys helping people cope emotionally."

He's been in this situation before and wanted to believe the same thing, the they thought he was a "safe, nice guy" to come to and he enjoyed being their knight in shining armor. That is UNTIL they start to fall in love with him because he's always there for them and listening patiently (and secretly not caring too much). Then they get upset when he rebuffs their advances. I've seen this happen to him with atleast 4 women. The last woman flipped out on him REALLY BAD. I just hate to see him go through this and I can't believe he's letting himself get into it again. I just came to him as a friend and a person who cares to give him a heads up. It's up to him to do what he wants to do but he can never say that I didn't warn him. Asides from the P-Angel, every one else here thinks I'm right, as well as 4 people who pm'd me so I'm pretty confident that I'm right.

"Asides from the P-Angel, every one else here thinks I'm right, as well as 4 people who pm'd me"


Pardon .. I didn't realize this was about keeping some sort of score on who's right and who's wrong. Sorry about the misunderstanding.

Sure is a lot of energy being exhausted over what this man is doing in his life, and whether you think it's right, or not. At least he's living with himself, instead of vicariously.

At any rate .. that gives you a score of 8 to 1, then .. you win !!!

P-Angel, it's not about winning. It's about looking out for my friend. You don't know what he's had to go through in his life. He's a very nice guy who always get taken advantage of or gets himself wrapped up in drama that he didn't see coming. The last girl he went through this with ended up threatening him with a gun. Long story. I don't want this girl's husband coming after him because he thinks that my friend was trying to steal his wife. I'm not trying to live his life for him but I wouldn't be a friend if I didn't warn him when I saw him getting in over his head. I know that he is reluctant to believe me, as he always is, but when shit goes down, he always thanks me later for being there for him.

Sounds like your friend needs to know where his boundries are and not let others cross them such as this woman.

Maybe next time a woman comes to him with her problems - he can direct them to a therapist or he can start charging for his services.

"You don't know what he's had to go through in his life."

"I don't want ..."


I suppose I just don't view this the same way you do, for this man doesn't HAVE to endure anything he chooses not to. He's not helpless, yet, this is how he is portrayed and you are there for his rescue.

It's possible that he's fully aware of what's going on and he's playing on your sympathies .. gamers are attention seekers and will do that, in which case, he would be making you one of his fools. It's possible that he's banging her, it's possible that he WANTS her to come over so she'll get drunk and do him, it's possible that he's sitting back giggling about you getting all worked up over him and is enjoying this attention of being fussed over when he knows he has his own mind.

Anything is possible and you are reacting off of second-hand information in which is being presented to you in such a tone to make you feel compelled to go to some kind of rescue .. he's pretty good because it is apparantly working, for the fact of the matter is .. if he didn't like the situation he was in, he would put an end to it. But, he doesn't .. he'd rather tell you so you would freak out about it and give him even more attention.

My philosopy in life is .. we are accountable for ourselves ONLY. And if a person chooses to do something, then that is their choice. He doesn't have to put up with anything that he deems is inappropriate in his life.

Certainly, since I'm a Pisces, I understand the need to go to someone's rescue to whom we feel is suffering or a victim .. however, this man is not a victim, nor is he suffering in any way that he doesn't have the power within himself to stop if he wanted to.

In any event, we live, let live, and hopefully learn .. that would go for everybody.

It's possible that they are just very good friends and he is enjoying helping her out, in which case, you would be stepping over your boundaries to warn him against her.

It's possible that the husband is fully aware of what his wife is doing and doesn't really care so long as she's not crying in his face.

It's possible that she's not coming over there at all and your friend is just working you for attention.

Anything is possible ..

P-Angel, I don't know why you are being so antagonistic. You are acting like I'm setting up surveillance and hiring an army to protect him. If you think that posting a topic is expending too much energy, you need to get out more. Why are you posting in these forums if you feel this way?

I know this man very well. He is like a brother to me. We always look out for each other. Everything I'm posting is not second hand information. I know the woman in question as well. My friend is nice guy. Not helpless, but too nice for his own good. He's too trusting and doesn't exercise the caution and common sense that I feel that he should in dealing with people. He attracts crazies like there's no tomorrow. He is like a mother hen, always helping and taking care of people who end up causing drama for him.

No he is definitely NOT sleeping with her. He is not trying to get her drunk. To her admission, she drinks every night...I heard this from the horse's mouth. When she comes over (and she does it often), he drinks along with her so she's not drinking alone, but he doesn't overdo it and get drunk. She has female friends and family as well, but she is over his house every other day. Women always take his listening ear and his caring as something more and then they get upset when he isn't feeling what they feel. All of these are facts. I know FOR SURE.

All I do for him is give him advice and support. He can take it or leave it. He knows I've been right about everyone else I've warned him about so he's actually thinking about what I said to him. I don't want him to stop being friends with her and I told her I will be there for her too if she needs someone to talk to or hang out with. I agree with the others, he needs to gently set boundaries so that she doesn't have any delusions of grandeur with him. Whether or not he does that is up to him. P-Angel, I'm not waiting behind his couch wearing camoflauge gear and waiting to jump out on her when she makes a move. I'm simply trying to give a good friend advice. I wish I were wrong about this situation but my head and my gut tells me I'm right.

Hi Bijou,

No, I don't feel like I'm trying to hard. I said what I said to him once and once only. What he chooses to do from then on is his choice. I posted this topic to make sure that my intuition wasn't off base but most people agree with me and I already felt that my intuition was right. Besides, dumping your marital/relationship problems on a cute single guy is a classic chick move...lol.

I don't think he enjoys the drama because I know what problems his drama has caused him. You couldn't even imagine. But I think he may be addicted to it or not know how to function without it. I dunno. I don't sympathize with him when he gets into his drama. I don't exactly berate him either. It's more of an "I told you so. Hopefully you'll listen to me next time. I know that you probably won't until it's too late. Oh well, let's move on." I don't rescue him in the way that you may think, but I'm always there for him as a friend.

"P-Angel, I don't know why you are being so antagonistic."


To get you to realize that that is what you are doing to him. I'm reflecting you back onto you, so you can see it.

"He's too .. I feel that he should .."

"He is like a mother hen .."


In reality .. your own flaw, you see in him. You say he is the mother hen and yet, it is you who is trying to direct his life because you take it upon yourself to, "I feel that he should" .. it's not up to you to feel what he should, or should not do ..

Additionally, it has been said by you have done this to him before, when he gets with a woman to who YOU feel is wrong for him, you tell him about it, you coach him against what he wants to do .. which in essence is antagonizing =

Websters: to act in opposition to; counteract; to incur or provoke the hostility of

And though you understand the word in itself, you are blinded to the fact that this is what you do to him everytime you are at opposition with his women that he is trying to relate to, in whatever fashion he chooses.

"You are acting like I'm setting up surveillance and hiring an army to protect him."

That is exactly what you are doing in the mental form, for you have admitted that you say these same things to him with all the other women to whom you feel is wrong for him.

"If you think that posting a topic is expending too much energy, you need to get out more. Why are you posting in these forums if you feel this way?"

You're aren't wise enough to think you can turn my words around on me, for you aren't even aware enough to realize that what you find so terrible with his behaviour is actually a reflection of your own, for you are the one who is trying to "cause" something, while he is having fun, enjoying married women .. men like married women, they are safe.

You may think I'm trying to be against you ... when in reality, I'm trying to wake you up. Be that as it may, it is your life, and you can only treat your friends according to what awareness you have.

He's trying to live, that is his right ....

And now that you have enough people to validate that your intuition was right, to include your 4 PM's that you felt compelled to mention, so I would know that your army is strong ... you will can go back to him to prove you are right because you have forces to back you up .. for his own protection of course.

"You are acting like I'm setting up surveillance and hiring an army to protect him."

Because that is exactly what you are doing .. let him live, that is what a true friend would do.

Protective? yes Jealous? no He is like a BROTHER to me, not a lover.

P-Angel, I was giving him advice. He does the same thing for me. If I'm dating someone that he doesn't think is good, he'll tell me and he'll tell me why he thinks it and then it's my choice whether I want to take his advice or not. It's like when I give advice to my sister when her boyfriend is doing something that makes her unhappy. I think you're getting hung up on the fact that he is a guy who is not blood related to me. That doesn't make me instantly want him or instantly jealous that he's spending time with another woman. He has other female friends that I am friends with as well.

Reflection of my own behavior? Huh? I gave him ADVICE. That's it. I didn't tell him not to hang out with her. I told him what I saw happening and that he might want to set boundaries to prevent something awkward from coming about. I know that he finds her safe because she is married. I know that he doesn't want a sexual relationship with her because I know the girl that he wants that with. There is nothing sinister going on from his end.

""You are acting like I'm setting up surveillance and hiring an army to protect him."

Because that is exactly what you are doing .. let him live, that is what a true friend would do."

When did I do that, P-Angel? What are you talking about? I had a brief conversation with him about this. Nothing more. That's it. Get a grip.

Apparently this has been known to hit on someone passively - someone in a situation is most likely to tell someone theyre infactuated with about their problems in hopes of letting them know that they're not happy with the relationship theyre in - or to find how the other person will react - its kinda like seeing if the other person will take advantage of that person in an attempt to show them the kind of compassionate person they could be with - seems to work great with women esp. w/ they're infactuated with because if the guy doesn't like them their pride isn't lost because they could just revert themselves to believing they were just talking to them as a friend - regardless of their real intentions. I've had women do this to me in the past - married women - I knew this one Aries woman that was married to a Leo and would complain to me @ work about how her husband just sits on the computer all the time and she's sick of his ways to a point of where she's about to sign the divorce papers. She was in the Army - yeah - she'd flirt with me and torment me playfully - like hiding something of mine was her specialty just so I would look for her and ask for it back. I guess the whole "come and get it - if you can..." thing about it was kinda kinky to her? We didn't do anything - I thought the whole situation was kinda strange - I mean she was married with children and I wasn't one to break a happy home. We didn't do anything - she moved away to another state and ended up going to Iraq eventually, though I think she just wanted to feel appreciated and loved. I mean isn't that what every woman wants? The JD is a dead giveaway though because that seems to be her alibi if her husband did find out and/or catch them? Using the drinking as a handicap in case things got intimate between them - or so that she doesn't feel guilty about the whole situation - but that's just my opinion 🙂