Forcing out the Sins

I think I struggle with one very bad negative. I am extremely protective of myself and sometimes it translates into over thinking and jumping the gun before rationalizing first.

How do I become a more relaxed person? I've always had an issue with nervousness and its hindering. Im trying to "let things be," but my mind races faster than I can stop myself. Its really hard to control certain impulses in situations where I feel attacked. My natural instinct is to fight back to save myself from being wounded. Its something I learned from fighting with my mother a lot (I didnt know WHY we were fighting half the time. She would usually take her anger out on me). She was always on top of me, poking at me, prodding me with vicious verbal attacks and therefore I had to be much faster than her. I never started fighting back until I realized there was no reason for her to be hurting me. I was a very good kid and she would discipline me for no reason. I learned to be extremely quick with come backs and to be fast on my feet in an argument. Very few people can match me in speed, but its not a trait Im proud of, nor do I want to continue. Im a naturally mellow person and this trait seems very out of character. It must be destroyed. I want to be able to handle arguments with confidence and firmness.

I want to reach an age where I am better than that. Ive been trying to figure out how to control this for a while. Its not that it happens often, but it shouldn't happen at all. I know there are better ways to work things out besides brawling verbally. I do not have anger issues, but I do have certain triggers that get me upset. I would like to know how to handle these better so I can get my point across without raising my voice, nor feeling attacked. But understanding the person on the other side has lost control and I need to take control calmly and maturely to steer the conversations in a more positive light. Any good suggestions?

I did take martial arts for 8 years. But I got out for personal reasons (politics, etc). With my financial situation, its not probable I can get into it at this point. I do however run 4-5 times a week, so I do have a bit of a physical outlet. I want more ways to cope with mental control right on the spot. Because that's what I need to work on the most. I want to control the feeling of being under fire because the natural instinct is to lash back. I want to find better ways to control it and still get my point across without force, but firmness. I have some form of control, but its never to my liking. I want to be a confident person under fire, not a fearful person.

Are there any methods to gain control while losing it? Besides going silent? Because thats usually the best I can do a lot of times. I hold it in and of course a lot of things are running through my head that feel like it should just come out just to release the feelings inside. Its just so confusing.

How do I become a more relaxed person?

One thing Virgos know about is how to relax...

Y'all stop laughing!!

I mean it!!

I relax my mind by doing manual labor - house work, yard work, tinkering with my cars. Using my hands focuses my attention on the task, and takes my mind off whatever is making me stress out...

Are there any methods to gain control while losing it?

Take a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds, and then slowly breath out. Repeat until you feel calm enough to let out the words and emotions that are bottled-up...

Im taking this all in right now, it all sounds like good advice that Im willing to start implementing immediately. If anyone else would like to pitch in I would be open to hear.

"some of the most confident ppl under fire, piss themselves. don't worry about it."

LOL. I dont think I want to go there!

I use to be like Lovable_Pisces. I only changed because I began to understand two things, 1. My knee-jerk reactions got me nowhere fast, and 2. Controlling your emotions is a precious thing. Of course now I sometimes think I'm too controlled and unemotional but I strongly believe that anything less is a sign of a weak mind.

I understand what you mean klover_fish. I think its a weak habit as well. I dislike it terribly, but at the time where I started snapping was when I was in a situation where being the better person was actually NOT to my benefit. In fact, it made the situation much worse. I was constantly being screamed at, harrassed and torn down. They only saw that fighting back was a sign of strength and it worked because they felt intimidated and left me alone. Which gave me the ability to calm down (like I wanted in the first place). Now that I am away from this person, I can see that it isn't a good reaction when dealing with others. So it needs to be brought down a notch to a more controlled level of understanding and an ability to still get my point across without over reacting.

Oh I know I am not perfect...but I dont like how my attitude does not benefit me. Which is why I prefer to do something about it. I am in a transitional phase in my life where I like to change the things that have held me back and free myself into the person that I always saw myself as. I just dont see myself as a person who would bite back, but some one who has command over my situations. Whether that can be accomplished or not is probably a different story. I want to see if it is possible for me to improve it. I am setting goals to at least do something about me in general. I want to take the chains off, its about time to do so. Some of the feelings I have are getting a bit old and I want to find better ways to handle situations that will benefit me. As for accepting my fuckedupness, that may take quite a bit longer. 😉 I maybe not perfect, but I would like to enjoy the fact that I can see everything more positively.

"My natural instinct is to fight back to save myself from being wounded. Its something I learned from fighting with my mother a lot (I didnt know WHY we were fighting half the time. She would usually take her anger out on me). She was always on top of me, poking at me, prodding me with vicious verbal attacks and therefore I had to be much faster than her."

"I started snapping was when I was in a situation where being the better person was actually NOT to my benefit. In fact, it made the situation much worse. I was constantly being screamed at, harrassed and torn down. They only saw that fighting back was a sign of strength and it worked because they felt intimidated and left me alone. Which gave me the ability to calm down"




I have some thoughts on this ... though, you will have to take into consideration that I am also one who will strike back, promptly, so you'll have to realize that because I say this, doesn't mean it's so easy to actualize.

Above, the quotes ... is a program you've trained yourself with, it has become a habit. I would have to disagree with the suggestions of releasing this by physical exertions ... because this reaction you face comes at the moment .. not later, at the gym.

Yes, you can release pent up energy by physical exertion, but, that doesn't reprogram your mind. To do this isn't changing the habit of responding in defensive mode when you feel your back has been put against the wall.

So, here's how I would suggest you change your mental habit.

You know that this exists within you, and from what I gather from what you've said ... when you do this, you then reprimand yourself, and beat yourself up over it .... because the awareness is present after-the-fact, that you did it again.

That's a start ... the awareness is present. However, to beat yourself up over it, isn't changing the program, it's only punishing yourself for it, which will lead to self-guilt-trips, which will enhance this negativity in you to do it again because now you feel even lower about yourself because you've allowed yourself to believe that you have no control over yourself. A vicious spiral downwards ...... and no progress in making this change.

So, instead of scolding yourself for it, or feeling remorse for it .... take what you did outside of your feelings to analyze. Put it on a shelf, outside of how you feel about it, so you can look at it.

So you can face it .... if you do this afterwards, everytime you do it again .. then you are programming your mind to acknowledge it bravely, rather than hiding from it because it scares you.

It may take a while, growth doesn't happen overnight .. but, ultimately, you will be re-programming your mind to deal with this objectively .... look what I did, how do I fix this ... rather than, omg what the fuck is the matter with me, I'm so weak.

See?

Ok, I did this ... let's look at it dead on .. right now, I'm not afraid of this.

Eventually, once your mind is used to facing it, fearlessly ... you'll be able to do it as it happens. You'll open your mouth with a viscious retort in defense of yourself, and then your mind will go ... look at what I was about to say, I'm not afraid of this, and I also know what to do about this because I've trained my mind to recognize it ASAP ... eventually, you'll be able to close your mouth and put the feelings on that shelf in the moment.


Eventually, your mind will be re-programmed to recognize the seed that planted the very thought ... and then you can go to the roots, after time, and even stop the thought from germinating.


Good Luck trying my theory ... and let me know if it works because I have the same issue, stemmed from a different child-trama.

Thanks P-Angel for the advice, that's definitely a different way of looking at it. Ill see if I can use what you said to work on myself. I really just want to get rid of the habit because I do think I can work out problems without those feelings. Very much appreciated! 🙂

penis isn't the answer to all ills. just saying!

i know. i was joking too

Meditate. Meditation is the key. Lots of the negative stuff gets dropped in meditation and you can be calmer in the world. The little and big things that used to bother you no longer carry a charge.