Help! Need advice

Posted by Mistsiren
hi, this is my first post here.

For the first i wanna say sorry if my english is bad. Im asian and english is not my mother language.

So, im a pisces/aries girl that had a crush at scorpio/pisces last year. We are very close to each other. At the beginning it just like we are meant to be together. He came to me at first. And i just see him as my good friend. All things going so well, we chat everyday, meet everyday (he is my classmate at the college), and we know we just have a good chemistry between us. Truly, he's not my type. There's a moment where i cant stand with him and want to run away. But my feelings grew for him and i cant help it.

I know he chase me, but i have the situation in my life that im not ready. So, when he finally asking me to make one step ahead in our relationship, i said no. I have this problem. My dad dont allow me to have a boyfriend before im 21 (which i cant tell this things to him), my close friend (girl) like him. My instinct is just like an alarm that always warn me "dont accept it. You accept it and you will go deeper, you know you cannot go(fucking shit scropio is really like a sorcerer. They are dangerous. But also beautiful). Beside that, you cant playing with him behind your parents back, and oh my gosh, your friend likes him!!!". So, im not ready to accept him. And maybe will never ready (at that time)

I always worry. Im overthinking sometimes. I feel so really insecure. Sometimes i feel like he really2 likes me but at the other time i feel likes he take me just as a challenge. So he always test me. And i test him too. Sometimes our relationship just like a game, sometimes it looks so pure and deep. I dont know where is better. Plus with that time, with condition and our environment and people surrounding us, i think we cant be together. Even though my heart want to be with him, say YES to him, my logic say a big NO. And yes, im too afraid that this all is too good to be true. So, i reject him. I let him go. I know he feel disappointed. And hurt. But i cant help. I feel my decision is like a double sword-edge that also stab me. I really regret it at the beginning, and i dont even know why i say no... i should dont care about others feeling. Because now i hurt him. If i love him i just need to say yes. How stupid i am. I hurt his feelings. He will never forget it (rejection for his effort. Scorpio hate vulnerable things). Maybe he will never forgive me and have a grudge to me! This makes me feel really bad.

But a month later i found out why i "just feel i HAVE" to left him for the good. Im sick (bad sick), and almost die, and take a break from the college about 1,5 years, move to other city, money issues, and yeahh.. my life is at the zero level suddenly. Its like the black swan theory how my life changes just in 6 months after i decide i just cant accept him.

Im glad with my decision sometimes. There is no way we can be together. We cant take LDR. And break up will shattered our heart. So since what happen on my life, i found a clarity why i just cant let him going further. I dont even ever give a little chance for our relationship. It just like: i kill the rose before it can grow up and the thorn will hurt us deeper.

But when i almost feeling to die on last year, i was really depressed that i cant survive. I was too afraid i cant tell peoples that i love them. So, after 4 months since i reject him (we dont talk for a month after rejection, but we start to became friend the next month-we are classmate and we know we just want the other friends to never know. We keep it secret-, he ignore me like i ignore him, a month later i start to sick and he comeback to give me support. He pity me and looks like he want me to know he still have that feelings for me [he promise me to watch cinema together--movie which i love but he hate-, he share his dream and plan for the future, he said he prays for me, he support me, make a joke for me, he say he waiting for me comeback to class with him and the others, and he said to me "dont leave me"], i cant promise him at that time so i quite and too afraid to hurt him again, so just disconnect my sosmed with him. I choose too dissapear). So after 4 months after rejection, i find him and send him a message that i love him, tbh. Maybe he already chill, or maybe he not interested at me anymore, or maybe he built his grudge already to me, but he only say thanks for my confession and say that i can call him whenever and whatever i want. (But you know, as a girl, i just cant. I know he only make a sweet talk to me but never want me again). After that i made up my decisions to never contact him again. Its hurt, to lost your love, but for me, its hurt more when you lost someone that ever be your best friend (almost soulmate maybe. But idk. Maybe soulmate is just my fantasy tbh).

I found out that when i confess my feeling, he already have a new girl. A new crush that 100% more pretty than me. And big chances to be girlfriend this time, no doubt. Im disappointed but understand why he do that. So i just let it go and start to move on. But, somethings that strange is (i knew it after two months), not long after my confession he just dont continue with his new pretty crush. They are apart/break up, whatever. I dont know what is his reason. And at that time, i trying hard to freeze my heart for him, so i just try to dont care.(this is hard. But i try to stand on my decision).

2 months before i moved to other city(im getting healthier, failed to die, fortunately), i reunite with my friends, there is he and he suddenly said to me that he was sorry for what going on between us and say that he only possesed in the past. I try to not care, but deep inside, im broke again. I only said i forgive him and i never talk to him after that. I feel so horrible at that time. That's right since the beginning. He only take me as a challenge. He broke my faith. No doubt.

The second reunite just happen last month (without him), my capricorn male friend (one of this scorpio man close friend) ask me if he ever contact me. I said never (ofc. We are strangers now). Then he (male cap) murmur and say to me that its weird. Because since i sick until now, he looks like he missing me a lot. And he became different. I dont want to believe my cap male words, but he never lie to me as far as i can remember. And he is good at read people.

I know scorpio try to always hide and never show his emotions so easy, that's why i want to not believe that there's a possibility that he ever miss me. I still remember so well how he say he just possessed on me. Its really hurt me. I try to protect myself to never believe him anymore. (But deep inside me i know i will still miss him and love him no matter what)

My best friends say that he is a jerk. Not a gentle. He is weak. A coward that run from the problem. He left me without saying goodbye. He shutting me down. And now im out of reach. Im mad and so angry at the way he treat me, but sometimes i can feel it why. He angry with me too. I never appreciate his feelings. He wants to take a revenge but pity me at the same time. The reason why he broke up with his crush after my confession is because he cannot play pretend. He feel guilty (oh yeah, but for what? Im just a challenge for him. An object to see how far he can push himself).

Sometimes with no reason, im feel guilty the most. I feel so bad and horrible when i remember him, how i made him so disappointed. I hurt him. So this is my karma. He just take his revenge. I miss my old friend, i miss him. I grieve for the people that still alive. I never say sorry to him. I dont have that chance. Now this all is too late. I regret it. Very deep regret. But i also hurt after what he did to me. I cant move on. And it makes me feel like im trapped.

Sometimes i can be strong. I feel like i can move on and forget about him forever. My story with him is done already. But deep inside me i know. Im just half move on, half waiting. Im hurt but waiting for him. The other side just said "you know this man. After he made his decision, he never looking back. He wont turn back. He dont need you either. he just take you as a challenge. You are nothing for him. I doubt he even have a guilty for you. You know his quality to be that evil. So just forget him!"

I know he will never turn back. I can accept it. And i dont have any other way except move on. But for me, i can not fully move on and make a step if there is something that still left behind. My feelings that have a hope (and maybe little faith that he will comeback), and my curious about what is going on on his mind. What is he thinking about us? Is that really2 TRUE that he just possessed? Is that true that im just a challenge for him? Have he ever love me? If yes, why he say something like that? He knew already at that time when he say it, that i will never look back either. So why?

I dont know. Im confuse and feel so lost in my own feelings. Any advice please from anyone? Scorpio especially? Why you just left without ever saying goodbye? Will you come back even if it need years? I just want to know your/his reason! Clear reason! I just need reasons why he did that.

And if the truth is im the dull one here, tell me honestly.

Posted by LoveSeeker

Why did you reject him?

There is no challenge in what he did

click to expand

I feel so insecure back then.

I never sure about how his feelings to me

Sometimes he was so cared.

sometimes i feel theres a big distance between us

I dont wanna start a relationship with a big doubt.

I always feel like if he only "likes" me, but never "loves" me.

What if i accept him, but when he already get me, he feel bored and then just run away? 😆

I just cant let us going further if i know the ending is: ill will be gone, or him.

and now he said that he just "possessed" with me 😆. maybe thats right since the beginning, he dont respect me as much as i respect him. :")

besides that, i have another problem.

1.my parents dont allow me to have a boyfriend before im 20. and, i just cant playing with this guy behind them😢

2. one of my friends likes him. this girl close enough to me. she believes me although i never tell her anything about us.

3. since the beginning i just have that feeling. theres something wrong about my body. i dont why, but i know someday i will be sick. i just never think that how it begun will be like this. if i will be sick, and maybe dead, what is the benefit to accept him?

i still think that i take the wise choice for the both of us. to never allow him to going further.

i made this decisions since the beginning, and i know ideally, i should not be sorry, or feel regret to what happen between me and him. but, deep in my heart i know i really really regret it, and i cant help to feel that way:")

well, this view days i feeling much better. i know i have to move on.

but still, i feel like i left the "undone story" behind me 🙂

thanks btw for your respons

Posted by boxcarmirnta
Thats very difficult. If hes moved on hes moved on..... Not much you can do! Men are dicks.