The Dark Night of the Soul

We all realize that most of the human race is propelled forward by many primordial forces.....I want power to be understood, beyond words reach: you know, that look you get when somebody looks at you and says 'it's alright let down that guard. For me power is in knowledge, and information that others don't have or are aware of (and I often keep secrets at my own detriment.....lol trying to hurt someone else and end up getting hurt myself lol)....do any of you like knowing things that others don't? Having the 'one up' that the others don't? For me it's all apart of power and control......I want to be the one in charge and respected.....however I may desire that, I want it's opposite as well...love....to be in love one must be willing to give of themselves and their secrets in order for the true meaning of intimacy to take root......It's frustrating being so contradicting, I despise contradicting myself, but I do it ALL THE TIME!!!!. I've been wondering: what prompts a person to what one thing and it's opposite?

Gaining awareness of the dark side of your nature is deeply enthralling....I learning more about 'I' that ever before......to really know the self, is to be aware of personal experience......what could be more interesting than that? Funny....I thought that connecting with that part of myself was foolish, becuase we all possess that primitive urge, but I was wrong......that's the storage facility of all the personal experiences....that is the primary 'I' center....I need to know more the deepest aspects of myself....who I am...that would make me complete....that would tell me who I was and give me the confidence/knowledge/power I seek!.

I was fighting myself....*VE laughs in disbelief but discovery* fighting to stay away from myself by denying even the most twisted parts and thoughts (when really I just wanted to know myself!!).....they are as much apart of me as anything else.....I know so much more now about where I stand on issues, becuase I'm PERSONALLY connect with them....now it's not just for something supeficial....it's for something true and real....Trying to be so secretive, hidding what I really had within....trying to protect myself, but really destroying myself progressively by putting up walls....fencing myself in in bitterness, and resentment away from the truth....I now know myself....and for the first time, it really feels good.....Now 'I' am talking the individual.....not just my head or thoughts....

I was confused but now I KNOW.....now how can I express this NEW self?.....well the same way, just from my heart.....A person has to take a stand for something in their life right?! It's mine, so what do I stand for now? I'm REAL excited about this!! I'm not sure what happened....well I am, but it's amazing....this feeling....I feel like a completely different person.....able to even further give of myself....and who I am....I WANT to share my self more deeply now with my loved ones....but, there will come the lonliness again....can they RELATE? Understand what I feel?.......These feelings are intense.....powerfully strong, and unlike anything I've ever felt....they aren't rage, or anger, they are stubborn, emotional, and strong.....so strong that they....make me feel like I'm begining to be 'whole' within myself.....still hungry, just in a different way....but still hungry!

I'm connecting with MYSELF. The truest aspects of the whole being....how can I share something so deep with my family?.....most people don't understand.....I'm tired of feeling alone....of socializing about the surface of things....things need to get PERSONAL.

DEFINITELY a drunk myself. My own father drinks like this as well, and has the same belligerent temperment Garfield....but know this....putting up walls is a hellifying way of putting distance between the two of you....he's just being a stubborn ass now, but if you feel FROM THE BOTTOM OF YOUR GUT that the guy is no good for you....investigate....figure him out, and his motives....the whys and hows....maybe you can give the guy some councel: Now, I'm not saying put on a cape and be supergirl, i'm just saying anyone you love is worth saving.....question is......is he worth saving? And only YOUR love for him should tell you that......

I don't mean drunk I'm just fond of the drink! lol

But more to the topic at hand.....It's true we all experience this....change as it were my only question is....to what extent? We change our skins....but we at heart remain the same....it's just a better form of deception....All I'm saying is I can't stand not being in love with what I'm doing, I need some serious passion in my life, something to focus on....a person without something to focus on (passion/ambition) is really a pathetic sight