dreamingpisces
@dreamingpisces
15 YearsPisces
Comments: 1 · Posts: 300 · Topics: 35
When in love...
what you need to do is this: you need to talk to this cancer of yours about your feelings regarding opening up. living in self-imprisonment will not help you, and will most likely terminate this and any future development of the heart. have you told him of your past relationships with men? have you discussed the fact that due to prior affairs, you are scared to be yourself, be in love, for fear of abuse? understand, being used or taken advantage of is, in most cases, simply because of your own actions; you are the only one responsible for how others treat you. it is with your own actions, or lack thereof, that lead others to mistreat you. it is vital that you begin to treat YOURSELF better, learn to define your OWN limits, and make your own decisions. it is all too easy for fish to allow others to govern them, when it is really their own responsibility to do as they choose with their body, mind, and soul-- not others'. if you want to have an honest, heartfelt relationship with someone, you need to open up. speak to your cancer, let him into your world and express your concerns. he will understand, and your relationship will encompass an entirely new understanding of each other. it is only up to you, and you alone, how others treat you.
I used to be like you.
in relationships, I used to be the pleaser; I mimicked the other's life style and way about things, because I didn't really understand what love was. as long as there was affection, and respect in that regard, love to me was just a role of being with someone, making them happy, and hopefully (if they loved me I guess) I would find the same in return.
this led to disappointment when it was NOT returned. in fact, it rarely was. I fought to go out of my own way to please someone else, when the one who I should have been pleasing was myself. you cannot be happy, with anything, if you are not happy with yourself first.
I have come to understand the true essence of love and loving as I've gotten older (I am only 21 years old, mind you). some would say I have only begun learning.
to me, love in it's truest form is friendship between two people. a friendship so unearthly bound, like two hearts tied with string; you feel you would give anything for it, but know better not to. there is a defined line between what you need and what you want, and this is mutually shared between each other, and day to day living is an act of compromise and respect. love is not worrying, or riddled by fear that rejection will be an outcome, but rather that if rejection were to occur at all, it is meant with an honesty from the heart, through caring, and is there to guide you-- from one soul to another. love is simple things, small actions that make up a much larger tapestry, weaved together with laughter and mistakes and acceptance through its fibers. love should not be a chore or game; it should not be an act or lie. love is understanding, and a yearning to take care. to not only pride yourself, but pride someone else; to cherish their gifts, their actions, their care upon you, as well as your care upon yourself.
I have found that the more I give of myself, the more I am happy WITH myself. if something were to happen, if I were to be rejected in the way that is full of unlove or disapproval, at least I know that I was myself throughout the process, and if someone did not like it, then they really did not like me. love is not vanity. you need to be yourself. this includes all your faults, feelings, and worries; your strengths, your beauty, your passions, even your wildest dreams... love is finding about yourself first, and sharing it in another.
if you can find someone who helps you find yourself, then that is a beautiful thing.
in relationships, I used to be the pleaser; I mimicked the other's life style and way about things, because I didn't really understand what love was. as long as there was affection, and respect in that regard, love to me was just a role of being with someone, making them happy, and hopefully (if they loved me I guess) I would find the same in return.
this led to disappointment when it was NOT returned. in fact, it rarely was. I fought to go out of my own way to please someone else, when the one who I should have been pleasing was myself. you cannot be happy, with anything, if you are not happy with yourself first.
I have come to understand the true essence of love and loving as I've gotten older (I am only 21 years old, mind you). some would say I have only begun learning.
to me, love in it's truest form is friendship between two people. a friendship so unearthly bound, like two hearts tied with string; you feel you would give anything for it, but know better not to. there is a defined line between what you need and what you want, and this is mutually shared between each other, and day to day living is an act of compromise and respect. love is not worrying, or riddled by fear that rejection will be an outcome, but rather that if rejection were to occur at all, it is meant with an honesty from the heart, through caring, and is there to guide you-- from one soul to another. love is simple things, small actions that make up a much larger tapestry, weaved together with laughter and mistakes and acceptance through its fibers. love should not be a chore or game; it should not be an act or lie. love is understanding, and a yearning to take care. to not only pride yourself, but pride someone else; to cherish their gifts, their actions, their care upon you, as well as your care upon yourself.
I have found that the more I give of myself, the more I am happy WITH myself. if something were to happen, if I were to be rejected in the way that is full of unlove or disapproval, at least I know that I was myself throughout the process, and if someone did not like it, then they really did not like me. love is not vanity. you need to be yourself. this includes all your faults, feelings, and worries; your strengths, your beauty, your passions, even your wildest dreams... love is finding about yourself first, and sharing it in another.
if you can find someone who helps you find yourself, then that is a beautiful thing.
oops typo 😛
Posted by doubletrouble
I used to be like you.
in relationships, I used to be the pleaser; I mimicked the other's life style and way about things, because I didn't really understand what love was. as long as there was affection, and respect in that regard, love to me was just a role of being with someone, making them happy, and hopefully (if they loved me I guess) I would find the same in return.
this led to disappointment when it was NOT returned. in fact, it rarely was. I fought to go out of my own way to please someone else, when the one who I should have been pleasing was myself. you cannot be happy, with anything, if you are not happy with yourself first.
I have come to understand the true essence of love and loving as I've gotten older (I am only 21 years old, mind you). some would say I have only begun learning.
to me, love in it's truest form is friendship between two people. a friendship so unearthly bound, like two hearts tied with string; you feel you would give anything for it, but know better not to. there is a defined line between what you need and what you want, and this is mutually shared between each other, and day to day living is an act of compromise and respect. love is not worrying, or riddled by fear that rejection will be an outcome, but rather that if rejection were to occur at all, it is meant with an honesty from the heart, through caring, and is there to guide you-- from one soul to another. love is simple things, small actions that make up a much larger tapestry, weaved together with laughter and mistakes and acceptance through its fibers. love should not be a chore or game; it should not be an act or lie. love is understanding, and a yearning to take care. to not only pride yourself, but pride someone else; to cherish their gifts, their actions, their care upon you, as well as your care upon yourself.
I have found that the more I give of myself, the more I am happy WITH myself. if something were to happen, if I were to be rejected in the way that is full of unlove or disapproval, at least I know that I was myself throughout the process, and if someone did not like it, then they really did not like me. love is not vanity. you need to be yourself. this includes all your faults, feelings, and worries; your strengths, your beauty, your passions, even your wildest dreams... love is finding about yourself first, and sharing it in another.
if you can
gah wth with my reply! lol
When I'm in love, that is pretty much the only time I have the motivation to change myself. If my partner says I'm always angry, I'll try to change. Any other time, I don't. Since there is no one else I love (my ties to family and friends don't go that deep), I tend to become dependent on the person, though not visibly.
As for OP, don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to. Acting girlfriendy would be fake, unless it comes naturally to you. What you need to do, is just think about all of this in your head and try to feel more comfortable and more secure around him. I agree with doubletrouble that you should talk to your boyfriend. I cannot stress the importance of communication enough. Talk about it with him and he may give you the answers you need to hear. Any guy who is any good will listen and be understanding. There should be no room for rejection there unless he is insecure himself or he's just using you. But, if you love him, then you should already understand him to a point. You'll feel so much better once you let him love you unconditionally, and you the same to him. I wish you two the best. : )
As for OP, don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to. Acting girlfriendy would be fake, unless it comes naturally to you. What you need to do, is just think about all of this in your head and try to feel more comfortable and more secure around him. I agree with doubletrouble that you should talk to your boyfriend. I cannot stress the importance of communication enough. Talk about it with him and he may give you the answers you need to hear. Any guy who is any good will listen and be understanding. There should be no room for rejection there unless he is insecure himself or he's just using you. But, if you love him, then you should already understand him to a point. You'll feel so much better once you let him love you unconditionally, and you the same to him. I wish you two the best. : )
Posted by dreamingpisces
I don't know if this has to do with my past but I get aloof and distant. I msy not show as much affection as my cancer does... I'm scared that if I give in, something bad will happen. Like he'll begin to take me for granted like all the past guys.
I recall you had a bad experience with that abusive Aries dude, right? I think that may make anyone...regardless of sign... a bit more cautious in their future relationships. Perfectly natural.
And yeah, you should be a bit more "girlfriendy" with a Cancer. They lap it up 🙂
Posted by doubletrouble
I used to be like you.
in relationships, I used to be the pleaser; I mimicked the other's life style and way about things, because I didn't really understand what love was. as long as there was affection, and respect in that regard, love to me was just a role of being with someone, making them happy, and hopefully (if they loved me I guess) I would find the same in return.
this led to disappointment when it was NOT returned. in fact, it rarely was. I fought to go out of my own way to please someone else, when the one who I should have been pleasing was myself. you cannot be happy, with anything, if you are not happy with yourself first.
I have come to understand the true essence of love and loving as I've gotten older (I am only 21 years old, mind you). some would say I have only begun learning.
to me, love in it's truest form is friendship between two people. a friendship so unearthly bound, like two hearts tied with string; you feel you would give anything for it, but know better not to. there is a defined line between what you need and what you want, and this is mutually shared between each other, and day to day living is an act of compromise and respect. love is not worrying, or riddled by fear that rejection will be an outcome, but rather that if rejection were to occur at all, it is meant with an honesty from the heart, through caring, and is there to guide you-- from one soul to another. love is simple things, small actions that make up a much larger tapestry, weaved together with laughter and mistakes and acceptance through its fibers. love should not be a chore or game; it should not be an act or lie. love is understanding, and a yearning to take care. to not only pride yourself, but pride someone else; to cherish their gifts, their actions, their care upon you, as well as your care upon yourself.
I have found that the more I give of myself, the more I am happy WITH myself. if something were to happen, if I were to be rejected in the way that is full of unlove or disapproval, at least I know that I was myself throughout the process, and if someone did not like it, then they really did not like me. love is not vanity. you need to be yourself. this includes all your faults, feelings, and worries; your strengths, your beauty, your passions, even your wildest dreams... love is finding about yourself first, and sharing it in another.
if you can
Posted by dreamingpisces
But the truth is, hes all I can think about when hes not with me
and when I am with him I feel such peace
Aw I think you should tell him that 🙂
I can be aloof too, not when I'm IN a relationship but more in the early stages - when you're getting to know each other. Once I'm sure the guy's all in.. I'll let my guard down.
It takes a pretty persistent guy to get me to that point though.. 😛
Thank you all for the replies, guys! They have been really helpful. I had a talk with him the other night... I told him that i'm just not used to be treated the right way, like hes been treating me.. that i'm always just used to being treated the wrong way so thats why i'm so cautious and such. He says its understandable and that hes been in my shoes too. so I'm glad I at least let him know. I haven't gone into detail yet. but I will when I can.
I'm being more afffectionate with him. i'm doing small things for him to show I care (drawing him pictures, bringing him his favorite snacks, etc)
Even the PDAS aren't bothering me as much.
So i suppose i'm making progress! 🙂
it just freaks me out that i'm already scared to lose him.
I was alone for so long that I had this "all I need is me to make me happy, fuck anyone else" mentality and now hes in the picture.
Hell, I wouldn't even LOOK at men for the longest time. Let alone let one touch me.
I remember when he first grabbed my hand I didn't feel anxiety as I normally would or feel the need to cringe away as I normally would when a guy would try and court me after my bad experiences.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to lose myself in the process of this relationship like I have in my others because I'm smarter than that now. haha. but he just adds to my happiness and i'm scared of losing that added happiness, ya know? hes not my MAIN reason of being happy but he definitely adds to my life.
I'm being more afffectionate with him. i'm doing small things for him to show I care (drawing him pictures, bringing him his favorite snacks, etc)
Even the PDAS aren't bothering me as much.
So i suppose i'm making progress! 🙂
it just freaks me out that i'm already scared to lose him.
I was alone for so long that I had this "all I need is me to make me happy, fuck anyone else" mentality and now hes in the picture.
Hell, I wouldn't even LOOK at men for the longest time. Let alone let one touch me.
I remember when he first grabbed my hand I didn't feel anxiety as I normally would or feel the need to cringe away as I normally would when a guy would try and court me after my bad experiences.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to lose myself in the process of this relationship like I have in my others because I'm smarter than that now. haha. but he just adds to my happiness and i'm scared of losing that added happiness, ya know? hes not my MAIN reason of being happy but he definitely adds to my life.
and that's perfectly normal. I'm happy to hear that you took the first step in pushing down that inner wall. it will only get better from here on.
when I came out of a near two-year set up with a leo, I was so confused. I had changed my entire life style , and was left with nothing of myself. it was at this time, being single for awhile, still dazed and "over everything," that I met someone who also made me feel somewhat (miraculously) at ease, but somehow still shut down. I didn't want to throw myself into something despite the sweetness... AGAIN. you know? I had just finished struggling with all that; I was so pumped up on "this is me time," so having someone look at me the way someone looks at you when they like you and you know it... with such tenderness in their eyes, and being asked softly who I was, what do I think... I couldn't even move myself. I didn't even know who I was at that point do how could I answer? it's weird to think about, because I was so quiet and distant, always skeptical and "un-girlfriendy," I don't know why this someone took me in. and to have such concern about me, as if this someone genuinely cared, and I could feel it was true... it was so entirely different from before. I felt torn between an old life and something new; a burning star and a fresh page. it was as if I had been chewed up and suddenly offered a gentle hand, "are you ok, let me help you"... I was stuck in myself, stuck in the moment of my past; I was unwilling to open up what felt like a whole ocean of me-ness that I had trapped myself in because of someone else's cruelty, but I couldn't turn away from such kind eyes.
it took a really long time to let go of that... hesitation.
it feels good to have someone treat you with respect... especially when you feel you've been battered around and mistreated for such a long time... it is peaceful, and the process of allowing yourself to be comfortable and TRUST that feeling will most likely be a slow one. I've forced myself to have numerous talks about how... just uncomfortable I was with starting up my heart's engine again, but the more I did the more I have allowed myself to bathe in that feeling of ease; the more the tenderness in those eyes grew... I wish you and your cancer the best, and I hope YOUR peace grows more and more within you in each passing day.
when I came out of a near two-year set up with a leo, I was so confused. I had changed my entire life style , and was left with nothing of myself. it was at this time, being single for awhile, still dazed and "over everything," that I met someone who also made me feel somewhat (miraculously) at ease, but somehow still shut down. I didn't want to throw myself into something despite the sweetness... AGAIN. you know? I had just finished struggling with all that; I was so pumped up on "this is me time," so having someone look at me the way someone looks at you when they like you and you know it... with such tenderness in their eyes, and being asked softly who I was, what do I think... I couldn't even move myself. I didn't even know who I was at that point do how could I answer? it's weird to think about, because I was so quiet and distant, always skeptical and "un-girlfriendy," I don't know why this someone took me in. and to have such concern about me, as if this someone genuinely cared, and I could feel it was true... it was so entirely different from before. I felt torn between an old life and something new; a burning star and a fresh page. it was as if I had been chewed up and suddenly offered a gentle hand, "are you ok, let me help you"... I was stuck in myself, stuck in the moment of my past; I was unwilling to open up what felt like a whole ocean of me-ness that I had trapped myself in because of someone else's cruelty, but I couldn't turn away from such kind eyes.
it took a really long time to let go of that... hesitation.
it feels good to have someone treat you with respect... especially when you feel you've been battered around and mistreated for such a long time... it is peaceful, and the process of allowing yourself to be comfortable and TRUST that feeling will most likely be a slow one. I've forced myself to have numerous talks about how... just uncomfortable I was with starting up my heart's engine again, but the more I did the more I have allowed myself to bathe in that feeling of ease; the more the tenderness in those eyes grew... I wish you and your cancer the best, and I hope YOUR peace grows more and more within you in each passing day.
its crazy isnt it? I was so far gone, and seriously never even thought I'd have faith in another guy again or even have a shot of anything close to love after how fucked up I felt.
But thank you, I really hope this is something that lasts. 🙂
But thank you, I really hope this is something that lasts. 🙂
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I don't know if this has to do with my past but I get aloof and distant. I msy not show as much affection as my cancer does... I'm scared that if I give in, something bad will happen. Like he'll begin to take me for granted like all the past guys.
But the truth is, hes all I can think about when hes not with me
and when I am with him I feel such peace
.... I think I need to just suck it up and start being more "girlfriendy"