Gifts and the EX

When my ex was being nice, I designed and ordered a gift for him for Christmas. I did it from a place of love in my heart. I know the gift would be sentimental to him because of what it entails, not so much because it's from me. Now, he's acting like a dick. I am considering whether I should give it to him or not. He's a Cancer.

Why are you still giving an "ex" gifts?

Posted by tiziani
Depends what place of love it comes from exactly.

You know, from the heart...

Posted by CancerOnTheCusp
Why are you still giving an "ex" gifts?

It's a long story but I'll stick with the facts. Basically, we had remained just friends, or so I thought. I saw something that reminded me of him, designed my own version to "fit" him, and ordered it. Now, he is not behaving as a friend should. He's being shady. When I ordered the gift I planned on giving it to him for Christmas. It will have great sentimental value only to him, not myself.

I am a very giving person. People that have touched my life are important to me in positive and negative ways. I like to acknowledge that and am grateful for it, either way. He was very important to me at one point. Though he's my ex, I do still have feelings for him. I am not looking for this gift to reconcile any part of our past. I thought it would be a nice gesture and that he would value it.

Id return the gift

Posted by DMV
Id return the gift

Yeah. Closure.

It may be time.

Posted by Sagtastic1
What do you mean by shaddy? Talking to other women?

No, it has nothing to do with other women. I have no clue as to what he does in his private life.

Posted by MissFisk
I don't understand this concept either. If he's an ex, that's just what he is - an ex. An ex giving me a gift usually will arise my suspicions, even if we've remained friendly... what does it come attached with? And you've admited you still have feelings for him. Are you sure you're doing this for him- and not as an attempt to reconcile or a step towards it?

Nothing comes attached with it. I do care for him but also know there is no chance for reconciliation. You've made a good point "arise my suspicions"...I wouldn't want him to think there is any motive for the gift other than I saw, knew he'd like it, and I expect nothing in return. He is very family oriented and the gift is a type of memorial of his deceased parents. Though we are no longer together and I have no motives, I thought he would really enjoy it. We don't hate each other. We did connect emotionally. It just didn't work out for us.

Posted by Montgomery

Posted by DMV
Id return the gift

Yeah. Closure.

It may be time.

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Thank you for your candor. That's why I'm asking for opinions.

unconditional love = give it anyway

conditional love = change your mind because how he's acting at the moment


pick

Posted by HungVirgo
unconditional love = give it anyway

conditional love = change your mind because how he's acting at the moment


pick

This.
I'd give him the gift and keep it movin'.....

U know what u could do with that gift money?

Posted by PhoenixRising

Posted by HungVirgo
unconditional love = give it anyway

conditional love = change your mind because how he's acting at the moment


pick

This.
I'd give him the gift and keep it movin'.....

click to expand

Unconditional....giving it to him, no strings, no intentions.

Posted by DMV
U know what u could do with that gift money?

I can't return the gift to the place I ordered it from because it is personalized, nor could I give it to someone else. The money is spent.

Posted by Arietteheart

Posted by Arietteheart
I sent my ex a gift on his birthday. I had already ordered it before we broke up and just let it go through. I told him it was coming and he protested because he's an ass. It wasn't especially sentimental. Actually, it wasn't at all. He thanked me and said he appreciated it...that I was the only person who got him anything. We didn't get back together and I didn't even want to. It didn't change anything between us.

He's a cancer too.

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Thank you for sharing that. I do not expect it to change anything and do not want to give that impression. He is being an ass right now, which is one of the reasons we broke up...moody as all get out. But, I want him to have the gift. It was meant for him, can't return it, I have no use for it, can't give it to someone else. In the end, I'll know I gave it from my heart, for the right reasons.

Posted by MissLibra

Posted by PhoenixRising

Posted by HungVirgo
unconditional love = give it anyway

conditional love = change your mind because how he's acting at the moment


pick

This.
I'd give him the gift and keep it movin'.....

Unconditional....giving it to him, no strings, no intentions.

Yes. First you state this:

Posted by MissLibra
When my ex was being nice, I designed and ordered a gift for him for Christmas. I did it from a place of love in my heart. I know the gift would be sentimental to him because of what it entails, not so much because it's from me....

then, this:

Posted by MissLibra
Basically, we had remained just friends.... I saw something that reminded me of him, designed my own version to "fit" him, and ordered it....It will have great sentimental value only to him....

I am a very giving person. People that have touched my life are important to me in positive and negative ways. I like to acknowledge that and am grateful for it, either way. He was very important to me at one point. Though he's my ex, I do still have feelings for him.... I thought it would be a nice gesture and that he would value it.

and then, this:

Posted by MissLibra

...I wouldn't want him to think there is any motive for the gift other than I saw, knew he'd like it, and I expect nothing in return. He is very family oriented and the gift is a type of memorial of his deceased parents. Though we are no longer together and I have no motives, I thought he would really enjoy it. We don't hate each other. We did connect emotionally. It just didn't work out for us.

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If all of the above is true, that should have nothing to do with what he is doing now, UNLESS the above is NOT entirely true. I am not suggesting that you want to get back with him, but there appears to be conditions with your "love" as outlined below:

Posted by MissLibra
When my ex was being nice...I am considering whether I should give it to him or not.

Posted by MissLibra
Now, he is not behaving as a friend should. He's being shady.....

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Usually, when a friend is not "behaving as a friend should" I address it with them and talk it out, I don't withhold things from them. This debate you're going through sounds like things are cloudy for you, perhaps because you dated before—so you??re not really friends imo (unless you do that with all of your friends). If it's causing this much turmoil, then simply don't bother.

I know you mention not wanting anything in return, but keep in mind that all of this effort you put into this gift may not get you the reaction you would like.

He still may remain an ass.

Pawn that gift. Im sure theres another john, jack or harpo out there.

I just dont get why anyone would buy an ex a gift? I wish I had people I moved on from buying me gifts, friggin awesome

Love is giving, expecting nothing in return.

How much did this gift cost you?

When do you intend to give this gift?

Giving the gift in person or are you going to post it to their home?

Posted by Eula
I know you mention not wanting anything in return, but keep in mind that all of this effort you put into this gift may not get you the reaction you would like.

He still may remain an ass.

Im sure he will....LOL.

Posted by atearth
How much did this gift cost you?

When do you intend to give this gift?

Giving the gift in person or are you going to post it to their home?

It cost around $ 100. I'd like to give it to him in person prior to Chridtmas.

Posted by PhoenixRising

Posted by MissLibra
When my ex was being nice...I am considering whether I should give it to him or not.

Posted by MissLibra
Now, he is not behaving as a friend should. He's being shady.....

Usually, when a friend is not "behaving as a friend should" I address it with them and talk it out, I don't withhold things from them. This debate you're going through sounds like things are cloudy for you, perhaps because you dated before—so you??re not really friends imo (unless you do that with all of your friends). If it's causing this much turmoil, then simply don't bother.

click to expand

Normally, I do not remain friends with guys I have dated. HE asked that we remain friends, knew I was hesitant, but asked me to consider it. Yes, I do have feelings for him but also know a relationship will not work with us. Things ARE cloudy for me. I wish they weren't. I want him to have the gift and am planning on giving it to him.

I do appreciate your well thought out response and how logically you've layed it out for me. I've read it over numerous times. You make good points and have given me plenty to think about. This whole transition has been very hard for me. I'm thinking that him wanting to remain friends is his way of easing out of his emotions. His way of coping. I'm trying to be understanding but sometimes he lashes out at me. He is a very moody Cancer.

Posted by MissLibra

Posted by PhoenixRising

Posted by MissLibra
When my ex was being nice...I am considering whether I should give it to him or not.

Posted by MissLibra
Now, he is not behaving as a friend should. He's being shady.....

Usually, when a friend is not "behaving as a friend should" I address it with them and talk it out, I don't withhold things from them. This debate you're going through sounds like things are cloudy for you, perhaps because you dated before—so you??re not really friends imo (unless you do that with all of your friends). If it's causing this much turmoil, then simply don't bother.

Normally, I do not remain friends with guys I have dated. HE asked that we remain friends, knew I was hesitant, but asked me to consider it....Things ARE cloudy for me. I wish they weren't....I'm trying to be understanding but sometimes he lashes out at me. He is a very moody Cancer.

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You may be right about the emotional piece, but do what is best for you now. If you can't be friends with him, in the true sense of the word, then don't. It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't want to be or can't be right now. I've only been able to remain friends with my ex because we allowed at least a year go by and when we reconnected after enough time went by it was a very slow process (e.g. happy birthday here, happy holidays there, 5 minute check in and then lunch, etc....) and it was mutual.

See the gift as a beginning to an end--no different from the "I wish you all the best" speech people give when they end things. He'll appreciate the gift and you will honour what you had regardless of what he is doing now. Start the New Year knowing you did right by him with no ill will. That good energy will come back to you.

Also, I should add, if you do decide to stay friends and he is not being a good friend to you then you need to let that go. I was just reading over your post again and the "lashing out" bit doesn't sit well with me. I have my bad moods as well and I can have a bit of a temper, but there is a line I do not cross with my friends. They won't let me and I am grateful for them because of that. My friends are not my personal punching bag and I don't get a pass just because I am a water sign. His commitment to making this a true friendship needs to match yours.

Update: I told him I had a gift to give him. Plans were made to meet up. He cancelled that meet, but rescheduled for the next day. Didn't hear from him the next day. This is why I said in my initial post that he is being shady. Behavior such as this.

PhoenixRising: His commitment to this friendship does not match mine.

Today I mailed the gift to him. No note, just the gift. I feel like I am doing the right thing. I will no longer communicate with him because it is easier for me. Time to move forward.

Posted by MissLibra
Update: I told him I had a gift to give him. Plans were made to meet up. He cancelled that meet, but rescheduled for the next day. Didn't hear from him the next day. This is why I said in my initial post that he is being shady. Behavior such as this.

PhoenixRising: His commitment to this friendship does not match mine.

Today I mailed the gift to him. No note, just the gift. I feel like I am doing the right thing. I will no longer communicate with him because it is easier for me. Time to move forward.

That sounds like a good thing. Best of luck to you.