Believe the negatives, Ignore the positives

Last week, I thought of something that I??d never quite considered before.

It was in my Monday night Inner Circle and new member, Natalie, asked a question:

I went to visit a friend I??ve known for a while and we got involved. Over the next week we exchanged flirty emails and texts. Last week he ended up coming into town and he stayed with me, continuing the romance. He is hesitant about jumping into a relationship (i.e. not wanting to mess up our friendship, he said he's a mess, he's recovering from insane relationship, etc).

In general, I'm trying to give him sufficient space and no pressure. Aside from any general advice you have, how do I balance showing interest with giving sufficient space? —Natalie

Natalie's question was a good one — but it was the wrong question. The real question is why she??d be so inclined to ignore all of this guy??s red flags.

She shouldn't be figuring out how to be the —cool girl.?? She should be figuring out how to punch up her online dating profile to find a better man.

After all, would YOU feel encouraged if your date said any one of the following:

—I don't want to ruin our friendship by experimenting with a relationship.??
—I'm really an emotional basket case right now.??
—I'm on the rebound from an absolutely insane relationship.??

Natalie feels chemistry, and, as I??ve pointed out before, chemistry is what allows you to overlook a man??s biggest flaws. Look at your past — when you??re hot for a guy, you just sweep the red flags under the rug as if they??re not even there, just so you can keep up that passionate feeling.

And where would that passionate feeling lead Natalie if she actually gets the guy?

Right into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable, messed-up man who is the first to say that he's probably not ready to embark on something serious.

Can you say —huh—

This is like booking a seat on the Titanic AFTER you knew it was going to crash.

My advice to Natalie was to tell her friend that she thinks he's great, but this doesn't appear to be the best timing. If and when he decides he's ready, he can give her a call, and if Natalie's available, she may consider going out with him again.

The end.

But Natalie's story really got me thinking about how hard it is to read a man.

Between your blind spots, your emotions, and most men??s communication style s, it might seem impossible to read between the lines.

Until right now.

After talking to Natalie, I hatched a very simple way to know where you stand with men. Write this down, put it on your mirror, and never forget this:

—Believe the negatives; ignore the positives.??

Contrary to what you might believe, most men do NOT lie to you.

That old wives?? tale about the guy who says he loves you in order to sleep with you doesn't really happen anymore, because saying —I love you?? creates FAR more complications than sex does.

So if most men have a measure of integrity and won't straight-out lie to you about whether they love you or are seeing other women, what do they usually do?

They hint.

Natalie's guy is a hinter — telling her all the reasons she should stay away from him after sleeping with him — all because he's a decent guy who wants to feel that he gave her fair warning.

I did the exact same thing when I was single, and I'm POSITIVE you??ve had it happen to you as well.

The guy you??re seeing says some version of —I don't know if I'm ready for a committed relationship right now,?? and you act like he never said it at all.

Then in 6 months, when you??re still just —seeing?? him and want to know where things are going, he says, —I TOLD you I wasn't looking for a girlfriend.??

He feels he's covered his ass. You feel that he's lied. But he hasn't. He just didn't INSIST that you run away from him. You took your chances and you lost.

So, from now on, heed this policy.

When a guy says something indicating that he doesn't want a relationship with you — —I'm not ready,?? —The timing is bad,?? —I'm really busy at work,?? —I'm not sure about my attraction to you,?? or refuses to become your boyfriend in three months, guess what?

You should BELIEVE him.

And when a guy takes you on a great date, tells you you??re beautiful, makes love with you, and says he wants to take you to Cancun, you should NOT believe him.

Why?

Because it means nothing.

You??ve seen this yourself.

Men live in the moment.

If we are attracted to you, we??ll sleep with you first and figure out our feelings later.

You don't operate this way, which is why you??re perpetually surprised that we do. But we do, and it's nothing that you or I can change about men.

So take it from me — the next time you??re excited about a guy:

Ignore all the positives that come with your initial attraction. Great first dates. Big talk of a future. Hot sex. Just put them aside. They say nothing about his feelings for you.

What DOES mean something?

The negative red flags that you will now pay attention to.

And how quickly he follows up your date to say, —I want to see you again.??

That's it.

Believe the negatives; ignore the positives.

Let me know if this makes sense to you and if you??ve ever ignored the negatives and had it come back to bite you.

SOURCE: http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/understanding-men/believe-the-negatives-ignore-the-positives/

I was going to ask who the hell is Natalie and why must I find out about her on a forum.

Posted by Andalusia
or refuses to become your boyfriend in three months, guess what?

I take issue with that statement.

A lot of the stuff in that article seems to come from a good/rational stance but the perception is skewed.

There IS such a thing as a gray area, imo at least.

LOL, I realized after I posted that I probably should have lead in citing the source, so as not to cause confusion.. But alas, it was too late.

The main thing that bothers me is that "Believe the negatives, ignore the positives" stance.

I get what he's talking about but for me..I don't really ignore anything. And if I make one mistake after the next, that's on me.

It seems to go for a "This is how you should all date" kind of outlook and there are way more variables at play.

In that example with the friend, I can argue that maybe he also didn't know where things would go and decided to go with the flow. Men go with the flow way more than women do. It's women who get lost in defining things way to early on and then acting on it. Not saying it's right/wrong but it's something I noticed constantly.

I have a lot of male friends..they meet a chick, I ask them about her, they go "I dunno man, let's see where it goes". They don't see the point in getting heavy until further down the line when they know how she's like. I get that.

You ask a chick this at the height of the lust period and all she'll talk about is marriage dresses. For some reason these kind of articles always assume women are a bit above reproach and that irks me.

Why ignore any of it? In one sentence the article says that most guys won't flat out lie to get laid (not sure I agree). A few sentences later it says to ignore anything good he says because it is meaningless.

That's the real problem with blanket solutions like this. Absolute statements like that are rarely true.

How about just pull your head out of your ass and listen to all of it. When we start picking and choosing what we hear, we skew to message. If you ignore all the good things in a relationship, it's doomed anyway.

All that said, the half about not ignoring the bad is completely correct. We see it here all the time, examples just like this where one is saying they aren't ready or looking and the other ignores...yeah that's retarded.

LMAO!

Thank you all for the responses. The scenario presented in the article reminded me of DXP, so I decided to post it and see what you all thought.

Posted by duchessedenemours
Most relationships are based on how compatible people's dysfunctions are.

That sounds awfully pessimistic, but I've always found that to be true.

Do your demons play well with mine? That's what it's all about.

Posted by duchessedenemours
Most relationships are based on how compatible people's dysfunctions are.

That sounds awfully pessimistic, but I've always found that to be true.

Posted by Andalusia


Between your blind spots, your emotions, and most men??s communication style s, it might seem impossible to read between the lines.

Not necessarily true.

Even in Natalie's case, the red flags were apparent from the beginning. He literally TOLD/showed her who she was. When the truth & true colors are staring you in the face, it's unfair to then go back & pretend like the red flags were invisible.

Women don't pay attention. They don't listen. And when they do listen, they hear only what they want to hear & tune out the rest. This isn't a man's fault. This is her fault.

But women don't take responsibility. They'd rather blame all of their bad dating results on men, which just completely strips a woman of being able to look herself in the mirror & to find whatever it is in HER that keeps acting like she's only got limited sight/hearing.

Instead of acknowledging & accepting the red flags in their face, they'd rather over-analyze a situation & allow their imagination & "wishful thinking" to kick in so that it drowns out the sounds of all the warning bells going off. Then, they say things like, "Well, it's hard to read between the lines." No it isn't.

I don't feel bad for these women. I used to until I realized that half of their dilemmas are brought on by self. When a man tells you that he's unavailable emotionally, that's not code for "Let me work my azz off to prove to him that I can change him b/c changing/taming him will validate me & make me feel powerful & positively influential." Instead of seeking someone with substance, her goal is only to find "someone."

When women stop measuring their worth by how many men they can get & change/tame, their love lives will be vastly different. Until then, there's no use in denying the fact that many men will show/tell you who they are & what to expect. In these cases, there are no lines in between to read. Men are complicated, but simple. LISTEN!