Dating A Friend...

What are your thoughts?

During a recent conversation a male friend admitted his attraction to me and wanted me to consider dating him. We've known each other for 4 years and he stated he was attracted to me from the moment he first laid eyes on me, but at the time I was married and he was in a relationship and he would never cross that line, so his only option was to be a friend (how cool is that!).

I'm a little nervous, because I value our friendship and I wouldn't want to upset that if nothing evolves romantically, but on the flip I do believe that a relationship should have a strong foundation that's based on friendship.

The only other draw back, we no longer live in the same state, but I see that as a positive, because it gives me time to soak it all in. I don't have to worry about "avoiding" him while I get my thoughts together. However, he'll be here for business next week and I'm a little excited, but nervous still. His only request...come with an open mind.

Posted by ImaBlvr

The only other draw back .....

It's pretty sad that you don't notice anything else.


You know, relationships are suppose to be two-sided .. the fact that in those 4 years, you never once became attracted to his energy, and even in him telling you that he wants to try and be with you .... you only notice that you get this attention, without any mention of how you like him in any way that even resembles an attraction.


This fails before it ever gets started because as sure as the sun rises in the east .. you will expect him to have feelings involved FOR YOU romantically, while you dont' hold yourself responsible for the same.

My suggestion to you is to pull yourself back to reality to realize you don't look at him the same way does you, and to realize this is just your ego rearing up because it likes attention.

Without you having the same attraction for him ... a relationship between you two has already failed.

Posted by CappyyLuv30
...Some guys don't know that us girls have a friend zone and a purgatory zone lol - where these "friends" are potential for LTRs.

...Have fun!

Ha, "purgatory zone." Know it all to well....

EW, friend zone.

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by ImaBlvr

The only other draw back .....

It's pretty sad that you don't notice anything else.


You know, relationships are suppose to be two-sided .. the fact that in those 4 years, you never once became attracted to his energy, and even in him telling you that he wants to try and be with you .... you only notice that you get this attention, without any mention of how you like him in any way that even resembles an attraction.


This fails before it ever gets started because as sure as the sun rises in the east .. you will expect him to have feelings involved FOR YOU romantically, while you dont' hold yourself responsible for the same.

click to expand

P-Angel...if you want details, just say so, stop assuming stuff. There is a limit to the amount of words available to make a post, so yes, I did leave out some details. The fact that I consider him a friend means a lot. The fact that despite him relocating out of state (2 years ago) for another job and we continue to stay in contact says alot, but did I really need to mention all that?

If you need more information to help you provide input, just say so.

Posted by P-Angel
My suggestion to you is to pull yourself back to reality to realize you don't look at him the same way does you, and to realize this is just your ego rearing up because it likes attention.

Without you having the same attraction for him ... a relationship between you two has already failed.

P-Angel, you are agreeing with me. Just because my friend states he's attracted to me doesn't mean that like a light switch I will now move him out of friend mode into the "let's get it on" mode. This is why I see the positive in us being states apart. It gives me the opportunity to process this new information.

Posted by ImaBlvr

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by ImaBlvr

The only other draw back .....

It's pretty sad that you don't notice anything else.


You know, relationships are suppose to be two-sided .. the fact that in those 4 years, you never once became attracted to his energy, and even in him telling you that he wants to try and be with you .... you only notice that you get this attention, without any mention of how you like him in any way that even resembles an attraction.


This fails before it ever gets started because as sure as the sun rises in the east .. you will expect him to have feelings involved FOR YOU romantically, while you dont' hold yourself responsible for the same.

P-Angel...if you want details, just say so, stop assuming stuff. There is a limit to the amount of words available to make a post, so yes, I did leave out some details. The fact that I consider him a friend means a lot. The fact that despite him relocating out of state (2 years ago) for another job and we continue to stay in contact says alot, but did I really need to mention all that?

If you need more information to help you provide input, just say so.

click to expand

And then you still fail to express that you feel anything for him beyond friendship.

Posted by ImaBlvr


It gives me the opportunity to process this new information.

What the hell?

OMG .... are you a robot?

He feels .. you process the value of the opportunity?

Posted by CappyyLuv30
I'd definitely date a friend. Besides, if you're attracted to a "friend", are they ever really your friend after all? Some guys don't know that us girls have a friend zone and a purgatory zone lol - where these "friends" are potential for LTRs.

Anyways....I say hear him out and see what he's thinking before you jump the gun. LDRs are hard. And him saying to come with an open mind kinda makes me raise a brow. Make sure he doesn't want to hit and run, ok?

Have fun!

Thanks Cappy. I don't want to knock the idea, simply because I think of him as a friend. Actually, had he still stayed in the same state I'm sure he would have made a move, but the timing was just off when he was here. As I mentioned, I was married, he was single, I then divorced, he was in a relationship, then eventually I started dating someone. We did the group things co-workers normally do and that's how our friendship developed. Now we are both single at the same time...

I should have phrased it better than stating "the only draw back," because the long distance is a big issue. And we did talk about that as well, not in great detail, but it's been put on the table for discussion. Also, I've been in a LDR before and it was hell, missing the person, longing for their touch, etc. Yeah, my mind is occupied with loving thoughts, but that physical intimacy can't be replaced.

On a side note, I'm good friends with his best friend, who works for the same company that I do. His response to me "I thought you guys should have hooked up a long time ago, but I wasn't going to say anything, some things need to just work its way out in due time." However, the best friends major concern is also the distance as well.

P.S. Enjoy the video clip :-)

You're a scary Scorpio.

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by ImaBlvr


It gives me the opportunity to process this new information.

What the hell?

OMG .... are you a robot?

He feels .. you process the value of the opportunity?

click to expand

Nope, I'm human. A human being that can THINK for herself. Or as I previously stated, PROCESS this information. I feel too, but I'm not going to jump into something just because someone else feels a certain way about me. If I did, THEN you could call me a robot...come on now P-Angel...seriously? You really get a kick out of twisting things, but you know it takes all kinds to make this world go around, so I thank you for your contribution.

Posted by P-Angel
You're a scary Scorpio.

If you say so...

Sometimes, circumstances are such that having a relationship with a particular person doesn't seem like a possibility, so it doesn't enter your mind until the other person confesses his/her feelings.

I had a male friend I met while I was in a relationship with someone else. After that relationship broke up, I discovered my friend wanted to date me. Although he was attractive, I had always considered him too young for me and therefore had never before let the possibility of a relationship with him enter my thoughts. I definitely needed time to process! He is now my husband!

I want to add that the purpose of going on a date is to find out how you would feel about someone romatically. If you both knew exactly how you felt from the get-go, there would be no need to date. Before I went on a date with the friend who would later become my husband, I wasn't sure I wanted a romantic relationship with him. He was sure (because he had been entertaining the idea for a long time),but I wasn't. A relationship isn't doomed from the start if both people don't feel the same thing.

Well, 1, make sure you like him now & are willing to give him the time of day b/c you were already considering it. In other words, I hope you don't like him only b/c he all of the sudden likes you. I hope you see in him what he also sees in you & I hope what you're seeing is the reasoning behind why you're starting to consider taking things further than friendship. Don't just like someone all b/c they like you, especially if you've never been attracted to them in that way before.

Secondly, just b/c there might be an attraction there that's stronger than friendship doesn't mean that you 2 have to stop being friends BUT in a "getting to know you so that we can be in a relationship" kind of way. Even 2 people who are "testing the waters" are still technically "friends" BUT the only difference is that they're doing a little bit MORE observing of the other person since they've got a little bit more to lose just in case things don't work out. We normally don't hold our platonic friends to the highest standards the same way we would persay we were dating someone b/c hey, they're our friends.

Simply opening up your minds to a future commitment shouldn't change things. Just b/c commitment is now finally in the cards (even though it wasn't before) doesn't mean that you 2 should stop getting to know eachother. As with anything, don't enter into a commitment with someone unless you feel very confident that you know enough about them to make such a serious decision. That way you won't have to be so paranoid about things possibly not working out.

If you like him, go for it. Don't rush into a commitment though just simply b/c you guys have already been friends for long. You've only gotten to know eachother on a platonic level. "Dating level" is completely different b/c expectations & boundaries change and are tweaked.

If you guys continue getting to know eachother & yet still like what you see, commit. Don't be so afraid of things not working out. That just comes with the territory of love. If you guys get together at the RIGHT time, for all the RIGHT reasons, the break up (if it ever happened) shouldn't be so bad that you guys would lose everything including your original friendship to begin with anyways =)

Posted by Whimsy
I want to add that the purpose of going on a date is to find out how you would feel about someone romatically. If you both knew exactly how you felt from the get-go, there would be no need to date. Before I went on a date with the friend who would later become my husband, I wasn't sure I wanted a romantic relationship with him. He was sure (because he had been entertaining the idea for a long time),but I wasn't. A relationship isn't doomed from the start if both people don't feel the same thing.

I somewhat agree, BUT I still think there's a difference b/w getting to know someone b/c they're just your platonic friend that you have no romantic eyes for VS. getting to know someone b/c a relationship might possibly be in the cards.

I wouldn't advise getting with someone if they're the ONLY 1 who feels the spark. Sure, the spark might eventually come or at a later time than his, BUT make sure YOU feel the desire & urge for him too. It's not just about him. Alot of people may like you or want to be with you, but if the feeling is not mutual, a relationship should NOT be forced or only considered b/c 1 person wanted it. BOTH people have to want it. Falling in love might be something that comes later, but actually having the desire to be in a relationship with someone is just step 1 & if you're not even there yet, then I wouldn't rush into anything.

If you guys are meant to be together, you have nothing to lose by waiting & continuing to get to know eachother. But you have a helluva lot to lose by rushing simply b/c you can technically say that you've known him for awhile. You need time to find out how he feels about certain things, what his relationship style is, what his expectations in relationships are...in other words, all things that 2 people usually DON'T discuss unless they're contemplating commitment. And since you guys haven't contemplated commitment until now, there's a chance you may not know everything you need to know about eachother just yet. Just be patient & test the waters

i, personally, can only date someone who is my friend first so this concept is null and void for me.

Posted by Whimsy
Although he was attractive, I had always considered him too young for me and therefore had never before let the possibility of a relationship with him enter my thoughts. I definitely needed time to process! He is now my husband!

Thanks for sharing your experience. My friend is younger too and although he is handsome, intelligent and fun to hang out with, because of the age difference I didn't see him as anything but a friend. But 3 years post divorce I'm trying to be open to most possibilities.

Posted by CappyyLuv30
Whenever a friend confessed his feelings for me, I've asked myself:

Does the idea of kissing this man make me vomit?
Can I see myself sleeping with this man?
.

LOL! I ask myself those same questions, friend or not...if I can't see myself kissing you, I definitely can't see myself sleeping with you. If I can manage a kiss, can I take it to the next level with you? If the answer is no to either question, then it's a no go.

As for my friend, I've asked that question and I'm still undecided.

@kr7...thanks for you input and I agree. I have done that in the past...get involved with someone b/c they liked me, even though it wasn't something I truly wanted. I learned from that experience and the next relationship I step into will be because WE both want it.

Don't let your divorce stop you from being able to recognize a good thing, but then again don't purposely try to see something that is NOT there all just b/c someone is in your face. Date him for awhile. Try to see if anything about him sticks out about him or makes him a good catch. If so, go for it. If not, keep it moving. No matter what, just don't date him for him; date him for you!