krysrenee7
@krysrenee7
17 Years5,000+ Posts
Comments: 0 · Posts: 8735 · Topics: 522
Deep Questions for ALL of you
I'll start off...
My answer to QUESTION #1 is: I believe most people have higher standards when they're just dating someone. We all tell that person what we won't tolerate, what we don't like & what we can't handle if it were to happen & truly have no shame in pointing out those standards to our date. BUT yet, once the relationship and/or emotions are established, it seems like most of us end up with partners who end up doing exactly what we told them we couldn't handle (from cheating to being controlling) & yet we still find excuses to stay or prolong the relationship, even though we supposedly made it clear in the beginning that we were too strong for the nonsense & for unhappiness.
It seems that when people get their emotions & feelings involved into someone, that's when all of their standards go out of the window & usually they do out of fear of losing that person. And what happens is, once our partners can sense that we weren't as strict about our expectations & standards like we claimed we were, they see all of our "standards "talks as utter bull & it's no wonder people continually step over eachother in today's society. When this happens, people always try to get their standards & self-esteem back when it's too late (usually when the other person already made the decision to not believe that you were really as strong as you said you were).
WE, ourselves can be our own worst enemy & it seems like the minute we put our emotions into someone else, we almost immediately get very flexible & lienant in making sure those standards are met. It's almost like a trick. We come off as very strong just to get the person to admire this about us & commit to us, not realizing that they won't see us as so strong the minute they fail our standards but yet we still keep them close in our hearts. That's the problem with so many relationships. Standards are not kept throughout the relationship. It seems like they are only there (if they're even there) in the beginning & half of the time, people just PRETEND to have those standards just to impress the other person
My answer to QUESTION #1 is: I believe most people have higher standards when they're just dating someone. We all tell that person what we won't tolerate, what we don't like & what we can't handle if it were to happen & truly have no shame in pointing out those standards to our date. BUT yet, once the relationship and/or emotions are established, it seems like most of us end up with partners who end up doing exactly what we told them we couldn't handle (from cheating to being controlling) & yet we still find excuses to stay or prolong the relationship, even though we supposedly made it clear in the beginning that we were too strong for the nonsense & for unhappiness.
It seems that when people get their emotions & feelings involved into someone, that's when all of their standards go out of the window & usually they do out of fear of losing that person. And what happens is, once our partners can sense that we weren't as strict about our expectations & standards like we claimed we were, they see all of our "standards "talks as utter bull & it's no wonder people continually step over eachother in today's society. When this happens, people always try to get their standards & self-esteem back when it's too late (usually when the other person already made the decision to not believe that you were really as strong as you said you were).
WE, ourselves can be our own worst enemy & it seems like the minute we put our emotions into someone else, we almost immediately get very flexible & lienant in making sure those standards are met. It's almost like a trick. We come off as very strong just to get the person to admire this about us & commit to us, not realizing that they won't see us as so strong the minute they fail our standards but yet we still keep them close in our hearts. That's the problem with so many relationships. Standards are not kept throughout the relationship. It seems like they are only there (if they're even there) in the beginning & half of the time, people just PRETEND to have those standards just to impress the other person
My answer to QUESTION #2 is:
I don't believe it's possible to even establish love w/o honesty & trust. And what bothers me is that when someone hurts me, betrays me (especially with intention), how they can still call it love afterwards. Standing in the garage doesn't make you a car. The only thing that makes a car a car is the CAR ITSELF. So I think it's impossible to say "love isn't love w/o trust or honesty" yet be in a relationship where those 2 things don't exist & still call it love.
If we can't have trust and/or honesty in the beginning, then it's not worth establishing anything deeper than friendship, or in some cases, nothing at all. And if I have enough self love to say NO to establishing love w/o those 2 things, then why would I pretend to forget that the same rules apply even in the middle of the relationship? The rules of what it takes to have love don't just apply in the beginning before feelings are involved. If anything, the rules should even FURTHER apply once feelings are established.
I don't believe it's possible to even establish love w/o honesty & trust. And what bothers me is that when someone hurts me, betrays me (especially with intention), how they can still call it love afterwards. Standing in the garage doesn't make you a car. The only thing that makes a car a car is the CAR ITSELF. So I think it's impossible to say "love isn't love w/o trust or honesty" yet be in a relationship where those 2 things don't exist & still call it love.
If we can't have trust and/or honesty in the beginning, then it's not worth establishing anything deeper than friendship, or in some cases, nothing at all. And if I have enough self love to say NO to establishing love w/o those 2 things, then why would I pretend to forget that the same rules apply even in the middle of the relationship? The rules of what it takes to have love don't just apply in the beginning before feelings are involved. If anything, the rules should even FURTHER apply once feelings are established.
My answer to QUESTION #3 is:
I think alot of people would rather have control over or seek changing someone else out of fear of looking in their own mirrors. It's alot easier to pretend like you have your "ish" together so that you can forever make others feel that they have to have it together to be good enough for you. Alot of people would rather be content in why they are so jealous or controlling, versus looking in the mirror & finding out why they are that way (and at least knowing is a GREAT thing).
But what happens is, the minute someone is close to looking in their own mirror, there's always someone there to come along & take you as you are (flaws N all), giving others a further excuse & reason not to turn back around & evaluate themselves. Some people hate that they are jealous & don't even know why they are the controlling, possessive or jealous type. And b/c there are so many people willing to be submissive and/or adapt to these kinds of people, the original people never feel bad enough to look in their own mirrors b/c they convince themselves that as long as people keep wanting them, they have no reason to believe that someone could be wrong with them. But what these kinds of people don't realize is that alot of us hide (sub-consciously) these flaws very well in the beginning, so it's no wonder our partners don't come off putting us down for it; you can't put down what you don't know. And you can't be turned off by something that you can't see.
I think alot of people would rather have control over or seek changing someone else out of fear of looking in their own mirrors. It's alot easier to pretend like you have your "ish" together so that you can forever make others feel that they have to have it together to be good enough for you. Alot of people would rather be content in why they are so jealous or controlling, versus looking in the mirror & finding out why they are that way (and at least knowing is a GREAT thing).
But what happens is, the minute someone is close to looking in their own mirror, there's always someone there to come along & take you as you are (flaws N all), giving others a further excuse & reason not to turn back around & evaluate themselves. Some people hate that they are jealous & don't even know why they are the controlling, possessive or jealous type. And b/c there are so many people willing to be submissive and/or adapt to these kinds of people, the original people never feel bad enough to look in their own mirrors b/c they convince themselves that as long as people keep wanting them, they have no reason to believe that someone could be wrong with them. But what these kinds of people don't realize is that alot of us hide (sub-consciously) these flaws very well in the beginning, so it's no wonder our partners don't come off putting us down for it; you can't put down what you don't know. And you can't be turned off by something that you can't see.
My answer to QUESTION #4 is:
I believe that the whole purpose in dating is to weed out those who can handle us from those who can't or refuse to. If you're really jealous, needy, controlling, or negative, why not share that with the other person up front? It's not like they're not going to eventually see this side of you anyways. Bad times in relationships are inevitable, therefore so are your true colors eventually showing. Obviously, it's not wise to just blurt out these flaws in you; how you deliver is the most important over what you deliver.
If you tell people up front who you are, why you are the way you are & let them know that "what you see is what you get" it's the right thing to do b/c it gives them the choice to make the decision of whether or not they will not only 1. respect you for your honesty or 2. decide if they want to continue while things are still early (versus finding out later when things are too complicated). After all, we expect to see other's true colors in the beginning, & usually if we can't see them yet or if things seem "too good to be true" it's only a matter of time before we go looking for those "true colors" anyways. Why not save all the heartache & eliminate that whole process by just being honest in the beginning. After all, are you sure he's still a "good man/woman" or atleast the one you want close by you if he can't even handle you? You won't be gaining anything by concealing your true colors in the beginning, b/c the only way for true & sincere love to be established is to have that honesty & self-love FIRST established with self, let alone the other person.
If you find yourself losing more by being honest with others then that's not as bad of a thing b/c eventually you would've ended up losing them anyways. Think about it, if you've already made up your mind that you don't want someone who is controlling or jealous, then I'm sure you'll still NOT want someone like that even in the long run or once the relationship is established.
I believe that the whole purpose in dating is to weed out those who can handle us from those who can't or refuse to. If you're really jealous, needy, controlling, or negative, why not share that with the other person up front? It's not like they're not going to eventually see this side of you anyways. Bad times in relationships are inevitable, therefore so are your true colors eventually showing. Obviously, it's not wise to just blurt out these flaws in you; how you deliver is the most important over what you deliver.
If you tell people up front who you are, why you are the way you are & let them know that "what you see is what you get" it's the right thing to do b/c it gives them the choice to make the decision of whether or not they will not only 1. respect you for your honesty or 2. decide if they want to continue while things are still early (versus finding out later when things are too complicated). After all, we expect to see other's true colors in the beginning, & usually if we can't see them yet or if things seem "too good to be true" it's only a matter of time before we go looking for those "true colors" anyways. Why not save all the heartache & eliminate that whole process by just being honest in the beginning. After all, are you sure he's still a "good man/woman" or atleast the one you want close by you if he can't even handle you? You won't be gaining anything by concealing your true colors in the beginning, b/c the only way for true & sincere love to be established is to have that honesty & self-love FIRST established with self, let alone the other person.
If you find yourself losing more by being honest with others then that's not as bad of a thing b/c eventually you would've ended up losing them anyways. Think about it, if you've already made up your mind that you don't want someone who is controlling or jealous, then I'm sure you'll still NOT want someone like that even in the long run or once the relationship is established.
Continued...
If anything, I'd rather have someone leave & be honest enough to tell me that they don't think they can handle someone like me (before OR after feelings come into play) rather than trick myself by hiding my true colors just to be abandoned or left behind in the long run.
I'd rather be left or know what my partner is willing to handle BEFORE I even put my emotions into it, rather than finding out that hiding my true colors caused me more loss in the long run.
So many people hide their true colors b/c they are 1. not brave enough to understand why they are this way & 2. are not yet content with the fact that they are this way (and usually b/c they don't put the time into finding out WHY they are this way). And too many people would rather have temporary company/gain & long term loss, than temporary/short term loss & long term gain. I thought the whole point of this "love" thing was to have LONG TERM gain.
If anything, I'd rather have someone leave & be honest enough to tell me that they don't think they can handle someone like me (before OR after feelings come into play) rather than trick myself by hiding my true colors just to be abandoned or left behind in the long run.
I'd rather be left or know what my partner is willing to handle BEFORE I even put my emotions into it, rather than finding out that hiding my true colors caused me more loss in the long run.
So many people hide their true colors b/c they are 1. not brave enough to understand why they are this way & 2. are not yet content with the fact that they are this way (and usually b/c they don't put the time into finding out WHY they are this way). And too many people would rather have temporary company/gain & long term loss, than temporary/short term loss & long term gain. I thought the whole point of this "love" thing was to have LONG TERM gain.
My answer to QUESTION #5 is:
Most children haven't seen their parent's marriage liscense. What they DO see is how they're parents communicate & treat one another & they base this on how they perceive relationships & most of the time how they'll handle, enter or exit their own relationships in the future.
Alot of people stay in bad relationships or marriages for the children b/c they want their children to physically be able to say that they had a "father" or "mother" around. But what good is that when both parents don't love or respect eachother. Trust me, kids pick up on this & aren't as stupid as we think.
I think there is more gain for the children if they have 2 parents who love eachother & have respect for eachother (and you don't have to be married to do this or have this with someone) b/c how their parents love one another sets a better example & half of the time, children wouldn't even know that their parents weren't married, b/c all they need to know & understand is how to love & they first learn this by watching their parents
Don't get me wrong, I think it's twice as great for 2 parents to be love & respect one another & be married, but in today's society, that's not the case alot of times. And I think it's better for children to see 2 parents loving & respecting eachother, even if they aren't married, than it is for children to have 2 parents that are technically by law "married" but yet don't act like they have one ounce of love for one another
Most children haven't seen their parent's marriage liscense. What they DO see is how they're parents communicate & treat one another & they base this on how they perceive relationships & most of the time how they'll handle, enter or exit their own relationships in the future.
Alot of people stay in bad relationships or marriages for the children b/c they want their children to physically be able to say that they had a "father" or "mother" around. But what good is that when both parents don't love or respect eachother. Trust me, kids pick up on this & aren't as stupid as we think.
I think there is more gain for the children if they have 2 parents who love eachother & have respect for eachother (and you don't have to be married to do this or have this with someone) b/c how their parents love one another sets a better example & half of the time, children wouldn't even know that their parents weren't married, b/c all they need to know & understand is how to love & they first learn this by watching their parents
Don't get me wrong, I think it's twice as great for 2 parents to be love & respect one another & be married, but in today's society, that's not the case alot of times. And I think it's better for children to see 2 parents loving & respecting eachother, even if they aren't married, than it is for children to have 2 parents that are technically by law "married" but yet don't act like they have one ounce of love for one another
first I post the summary of your questions:
1.a most people have higher standards & esteem in the beginning stages of dating? (before feelings)
1.b in the middle of the relationship?2.a possible to establish love without honesty or trust?
2.b possible to hurt/cheat/lie/betray them & still love them?
2.c no trust/honesty & still call it love?
3. most people control someone else but not themselves.
4.being upfront/honest with your standards/flaws while dating, is it a better strategy?
5.a "marriage" keeps families close together?
5.b kids would prefer 2 single parents who love/respect each other?
1.a most people have higher standards & esteem in the beginning stages of dating? (before feelings)
1.b in the middle of the relationship?2.a possible to establish love without honesty or trust?
2.b possible to hurt/cheat/lie/betray them & still love them?
2.c no trust/honesty & still call it love?
3. most people control someone else but not themselves.
4.being upfront/honest with your standards/flaws while dating, is it a better strategy?
5.a "marriage" keeps families close together?
5.b kids would prefer 2 single parents who love/respect each other?
Now my answers:
#1: I kept my high standards while dating and had no fear of losing my Scorp nor my CapVirguy. Stubborn heads did not care. still they can't.
#2: Love is a big concept. It needs to include honesty/trust. Otherwise it is some other feeling.
#3: In Love we are requesting for resources of somebody else. First of all their attention. Ironically enough people forget this. They beleive others owe them something.
In partnership they owe us investment equlity.
#4: I shared may flaws up-front and mentioned also their flaws. Flaws have no impact on the relationship. Being superficial with them, stubbornness and avoiding compromises, lack of humor, they harm the relationship.
#5: marriage is not my point. yet I don't take men for serious who avoid marriage.
#1: I kept my high standards while dating and had no fear of losing my Scorp nor my CapVirguy. Stubborn heads did not care. still they can't.
#2: Love is a big concept. It needs to include honesty/trust. Otherwise it is some other feeling.
#3: In Love we are requesting for resources of somebody else. First of all their attention. Ironically enough people forget this. They beleive others owe them something.
In partnership they owe us investment equlity.
#4: I shared may flaws up-front and mentioned also their flaws. Flaws have no impact on the relationship. Being superficial with them, stubbornness and avoiding compromises, lack of humor, they harm the relationship.
#5: marriage is not my point. yet I don't take men for serious who avoid marriage.
1. I believe that is a split answer, well for me anyway. I think I have high standards at the beginning but esteem is constant (I am happy with me), the more I open up to the possibilities my standards change (not lower) - give and take- my esteem rises with comfort!
2. No its not possible love requires naked abandonment, without trust and honesty then I think your pretty much doomed!
3. Yes I do, I can't abide that thought though, having control over your self is enough without taking over another. I hate to tell someone what to do and try to control them it spoils everything and destroys your relationship
4. No becasue I think the way you behave differs from person to person it depends on what they bring out in you. I've said to folk that I'm a picky perfectionist and then in turn have been told no I'm not. I think its best to be yourself and let folk figure you out themself, no need for a warning it makes you seem like a lunatic lol!
5. IMHO you can't keep something together that is broken it will keep on falling apart, glue is temporary. It starts at the foundations and if they are shaky its only time that will make it crumble. Kids, family and folk survive on solid ground whether its 2 separate islands or not if they are sturdy then all will prevail. You can pretend its ok but time will tell and an unhappy home is nothing but an unhappy home!
Very true. I was just telling my friend yesterday that when you have real love everything makes sense and falls into place. Its like the ultimate exhale.
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1. Do you believe that most people have higher standards & esteem in the beginning stages of dating (before they get their feelings involved) OR in the middle of the relationship (once it's been established & once feelings are involved)?
2. Do you believe that it's possible to establish love without honesty or trust? If no, do you believe it's possible to hurt someone, cheat on them, lie to them or betray them in some form or fashion & still love them? If yes, then how is it possible to strip a relationship of those 2 things (trust & honesty & still call it love (Remember, you needed it to be considered love in the first place, then what does it become once the love is established & then suddenly stripped of those two things? Is it still love?)
3. Do you believe most people would rather have control over someone else as an excuse to not have control over self/
4. Do you honestly believe that being up front with your standards & being honest about your personality flaws (jealousy, possessiveness, controlling) in the beginning (dating stages) is a better strategy to get the men/women that can handle you, stay or do you believe that being this upfront is not worth it b/c of how many good men/women would leave? Are their more disadvantages or advantages to being brutally upfront in the beginning? (Remember, even if you aren't upfront, those true colors will come out eventually anyways)
5. Do you believe that the action of "marriage" (broken or good for now) is really what keeps families close together OR do you believe that if kids had a choice, they'd rather pick & gain more with 2 single parents who aren't married, but actually love & respect eachother?