Insecurity in Relationships

Have you ever dated, been involved with, married, etc an insecure person?

The kind that require you to read their minds and figure out that something you did or said at some point (that could either be now or a few minutes/hours before) made them feel jealous? Or maybe you didn't even do anything but maybe a man/woman seemed interested in you and you didn't even notice said man/woman but your partner did.

So your partner gets angry and sulks, rather than tell you what the hell is going on?

How do you handle said insecurities?

I'm so over this shit and I'm just about to say fuck this??_.BUT??_if someone out there has a few tips, I would be happy to reconsider.The sex is that good. (Okay, okay I'm kidding...just help a girl out please)

Also while dishing out those tips, how does one stop attracting jealous, possessive, insecure watery men? Even when the sun isn't watery, other important parts ALWAYS turn out to be WATER!!! — mostly on the pluto side mixed with some neptune.

Ugh! I just can't deal with this moody bullshit. Why all this karma? Did I murder a scorpio/pisces blend in my previous life?

Always said water signs need mind readers..and I suck at that.

I'd like to help but I don't know what to tell you. The people I dated, even when they got angry/sulked/went silent..came back after the moment passed and expressed precisely what bothered them. "That thing you did made me feel..etc". They brought up any concern to me for a frank discussion after the moody moment passed. I do the same thing.

Very thin line between reassurance& patience vs enabling someone.

I have a thing about vulnerability. If someone cannot express that side to me, which is what most insecurities are tied around..then there's no way to go. It will come to a dead end.

Posted by Damnata
Always said water signs need mind readers..and I suck at that.

Ya know?

Posted by Damnata
I'd like to help but I don't know what to tell you. The people I dated, even when they got angry/sulked/went silent..came back after the moment passed and expressed precisely what bothered them. "That thing you did made me feel..etc". They brought up any concern to me for a frank discussion after the moody moment passed. I do the same thing.

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Maybe I should incorporate this tactic. Leave him to wallow until he decides to express himself. Why can't we just deal with the issue when it first presents itself? Is that too mature? Ugh.

Posted by beautifuldiaster


To be honest, you sound like you've had enough.

LOL...is it that obvious?

Yeah, I think the taking space might be a good thing.

Like...see you in the next life.

Posted by djbuck1
I'm not so sure this is "insecurity." It may be a far deeper issue of a poor self-image and a fundamental lack of self-confidence. No doubt he uses his jealousy to try to control you.

Does he want to isolate you? That's a huge red flag.

I don't know exactly what is going on here. I do not know the person.

However, the behavior will not change, so unless you want to deal with this endlessly best move on. You will not be able to "fix" this.

I'm thinking he might be trying to control me but it's not gonna happen.

LOL @ "fix" this. That's exactly what I said to him as he disappeared into his little shell.

"Let's fix this". But you know what? I don't wanna fix it anymore. I just want out and I think that's where I'm headed.

He hasn't pulled the isolation card just yet, but no doubt it's coming

Posted by tiziani
If the health of your relationship depends on the actions of people outside of the relationship, don't bother, there's nothing to resolve. It was never real in the first place.

Now if it really depended on something you did that hurt their feelings then set the standard and the boundary earlier that you both expect to be able to talk it out and give sonething to one another that establishes trust, making it clear you don't intend to deliberately walk on each other's feelings.

I find with water people if they start saying that "I just want to be around you 24 7" stuff then it's already too late. The opportunity to set mutual boundaries is in the rear view mirror long since gone.

That's what mature people do. They talk it out. This guy has mercury in Pisces.

I mean, come on. I have no chance in hell in getting him to talk.

I get the "look", followed by the "sulk" and then I'm supposed to just magically know!

Posted by Caia
Maybe I should incorporate this tactic. Leave him to wallow until he decides to express himself. Why can't we just deal with the issue when it first presents itself? Is that too mature? Ugh.

It depends on the issue so I can't tell you or gauge if reassurance is in order of it the person is over the top. Reassurance is the humane action, enabling is contributing to the problem.

The reality is we all have moments where we get caught up in emotions and cannot verbalize or figure out what the root issue is. In that circumstance, a discussion cannot be had with a clear head in the heat of the moment. But it has to be had in the aftermath, otherwise everything gets swept under the rug.

Reacting to someone who is in that state doesn't help matters. Kind non reactive behavior is where it's at for me. But it wears thin after a while, which is where I guess you are at right now.

Also, there are different means of expression. I noticed some people can do it easily with writing and not that easily with talking. So that also has to be taken into account. As well as how people cope with stress, you need to work around that for both your sakes.

For some real life experience: My Cap ex bf would shut down completely. I'd just put some beer and food in front of him and let him play counter strike. I'd go to the other room and read a book. I'd state calmly I am there if he wants to talk about it and leave it to his pacing in how he processed everything.

My Aries ex..for him he had to have a temper tantrum. His path wasn't quiet reflection and contemplation and sulking. His path was having an emotional storm. I'd again keep my cool until he would run out of breath. I knew the moment he'd run out of energy, he'd see rationality again and we could talk.

Yepp, I have this problem a lot, because for whatever reason I attract Scorpio men or other signs with major planets in Scorpio. Maybe it's because I come across as aloof & unemotional which makes me a mystery lol Anyway....

My ex Scorpio sun was very much the way that you described. And there wasn't anything that I could do to help make the situation better within the confines of my own personality. I'm very independent & he wanted me to be within reach at all times. I took a nap once & was accused of cheating because I didn't answer his text back promptly & silly me, I didn't think to tell him that I was going to take a nap beforehand. He ordered a pizza once & I answered the door. He got pissed off because the pizza man was looking at my breasts & I should have covered up (I was wearing a tank top) before I answered the door... Those are just a couple, of many examples.

When he first started getting pouty I would chase him around, trying to talk things out but that just made his behavior worse. So I just started to fall back & let him wallow. I remember one time I did this & after about 3 days of not talking he asked if he could come over. He walks in looking all puppy dog sad, sits down & asks me if I have anything I want to apologize for... Ummm NOPE! lol

Anyway, obviously that relationship didn't last very long. I can't walk on eggshells & spend my time trying to figure out if I said something wrong, if my tone was too harsh, if I looked at him the wrong way. That was exhausting. He started dating someone right after me (probably before we ended it actually) & all I can say is that they are up each others butts 24/7, in constant communication, I don't even know how they get any work done & they live together. They've been together for about 6 years now. So I guess that's what this kind of guy needs.

Posted by Damnata

Posted by Caia
Maybe I should incorporate this tactic. Leave him to wallow until he decides to express himself. Why can't we just deal with the issue when it first presents itself? Is that too mature? Ugh.

It depends on the issue so I can't tell you or gauge if reassurance is in order of it the person is over the top. Reassurance is the humane action, enabling is contributing to the problem.

The reality is we all have moments where we get caught up in emotions and cannot verbalize or figure out what the root issue is. In that circumstance, a discussion cannot be had with a clear head in the heat of the moment. But it has to be had in the aftermath, otherwise everything gets swept under the rug.

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The problem though is that sex is the only discussion that happens in the aftermath.

Nothing really gets resolved, which is why I'm done.

I sent him a lovey-dovey message this morning — trying to make him feel secure. God, I hope he doesn't respond positively.

No response means I can erase the memory of him and walk away without feeling guilty about hurting his feelings.

I just want this nightmare to end.

Posted by RiverLee


My ex Scorpio sun was very much the way that you described. And there wasn't anything that I could do to help make the situation better within the confines of my own personality. I'm very independent & he wanted me to be within reach at all times. I took a nap once & was accused of cheating because I didn't answer his text back promptly & silly me, I didn't think to tell him that I was going to take a nap beforehand. He ordered a pizza once & I answered the door. He got pissed off because the pizza man was looking at my breasts & I should have covered up (I was wearing a tank top) before I answered the door... Those are just a couple, of many examples.

When he first started getting pouty I would chase him around, trying to talk things out but that just made his behavior worse. So I just started to fall back & let him wallow. I remember one time I did this & after about 3 days of not talking he asked if he could come over. He walks in looking all puppy dog sad, sits down & asks me if I have anything I want to apologize for... Ummm NOPE! lol

Anyway, obviously that relationship didn't last very long. I can't walk on eggshells & spend my time trying to figure out if I said something wrong, if my tone was too harsh, if I looked at him the wrong way. That was exhausting. He started dating someone right after me (probably before we ended it actually) & all I can say is that they are up each others butts 24/7, in constant communication, I don't even know how they get any work done & they live together. They've been together for about 6 years now. So I guess that's what this kind of guy needs.

OMG this made me laugh so hard. Actually I'm still laughing as I type this.

I'm also very independent, so I can relate. This definitely isn't going to work. I think he needs an equally clingy person to constantly praise his manhood and make him feel like he's the only man on earth.

I don't have time for this shit. I have a fucking life and it doesn't revolve around him. Geez!

Glad to hear some of these stories. I didn't want to seem too harsh about kicking him to the curb.

Posted by tiziani
In all the peaceful relationships I've had with Water signs we've always managed to avoid the I just want 24 7 dibs on you talk, they never felt the need to say it in the first place. What I did differently in those cases I wil never know. Luck of the draw I guess.

Dude, you not knowing/remembering what you did does not help my cause.

And yeah, you were definitely lucky.

I know no one said this, but all water signs aren't clingy. I've met some clingy fire signs. Next insecurity is something that stems from within. So, if that's something that you can't deal with, then you need to let him go. You've had enough. It's over. That's something that he needs to work on. So, there really isn't anything to talk about.

Posted by IrresistableScorp

Everybody has a different way to dealing with things and expressing things. It's not really great to have the expectation that the way you do things is the right or mature way.

If you know your partner retreats and then comes back ready to discuss, how does this ruin your life? Maybe that's his thing. Let him do him and you do you. If you can't find a way to make it work then find someone you can make it work with.

Tiz makes an excellent point about boundaries as well. If you feel a certain way when your man gets jealous for no reason then express yourself and follow it up with actions.

I'm sorry but sulking is a sign of emotional immaturity. Look it up.

What if you have a misunderstanding that can be rectified in a 5 min conversation. What's the point of sulking for a week only to realize that it was a stupid misunderstanding in the first place? Makes no sense. Waste of time. And yes, very immature.

Also...is asking for a heads up on what exactly the problem is, too much to ask? How is the other person supposed to know while you're wallowing in some mood that it's because of something they did today, yesterday or 10 years ago?

I mean. Come on!

Water signs should stick to each other. No wait. I take that back.

People with mercury in water signs should stick to each other. That way they can read each other's minds to their heart's content.

Posted by Impulsv
Now im going to play Devils advocate. really look at you behavior. Is there anything that u do u bring forth in him.
I say this because when with ex leo i was secure n never imagined I had a problem. But meeting a hot and cold person n who behaved disrespectful at times really brought up a side I didn't know I had . He might see it as u but his behavior really did trigger n any normal person would react as did.
Behavior like inconstancy, checking out a woman in front of me to see I I'd get jealous.

I don't know if I'm hot and cold. Maybe erratic? I don't know.

I'm very social and men generally think I'm sexy/attractive, whatever. He's told me outright that I'm sexy so that may be part of the problem. He thinks he has competition? God, I don't know. He doesn't speak up.

Oh, also I broke things off two weeks ago and then I kinda missed the sex so I got in touch with him. I was expecting a "fuck off!" but the conversation went along the lines of:

Him: Are you at home?
Me: Yes.
Him: I'm coming over

And that was it. He came over and started ripping my clothes off while I was still trying to shut the front door.

This relationship is weird.

It can't go on like this.

Posted by Noreallynow
I know no one said this, but all water signs aren't clingy. I've met some clingy fire signs. Next insecurity is something that stems from within. So, if that's something that you can't deal with, then you need to let him go. You've had enough. It's over. That's something that he needs to work on. So, there really isn't anything to talk about.

Maybe check those clingy fire sign natal charts. I'm pretty sure pluto, neptune or moon are prominent, hence the clinginess.

Yes, I don't see any hope for this which is why I asked for tips in case I was just being a drama queen.

But clearly there are no tips other than to get rid of him. I agree.

I need actual communication. I don't decode moods.

Posted by Caia

Posted by Impulsv
Now im going to play Devils advocate. really look at you behavior. Is there anything that u do u bring forth in him.

Behavior like inconstancy, checking out a woman in front of me to see I I'd get jealous.

Oh, also I broke things off two weeks ago and then I kinda missed the sex so I got in touch with him. I was expecting a "fuck off!" but the conversation went along the lines of:

Him: Are you at home?
Me: Yes.
Him: I'm coming over

And that was it. He came over and started ripping my clothes off while I was still trying to shut the front door.

This relationship is weird.

It can't go on like this.

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He is not sulking. The silence means he checked out of the relationship emotionally. You broke up, didn't you? He is just using you for sex now, since you allow it.

Posted by Undine

Posted by Caia

Posted by Impulsv
Now im going to play Devils advocate. really look at you behavior. Is there anything that u do u bring forth in him.

Behavior like inconstancy, checking out a woman in front of me to see I I'd get jealous.

Oh, also I broke things off two weeks ago and then I kinda missed the sex so I got in touch with him. I was expecting a "fuck off!" but the conversation went along the lines of:

Him: Are you at home?
Me: Yes.
Him: I'm coming over

And that was it. He came over and started ripping my clothes off while I was still trying to shut the front door.

This relationship is weird.

It can't go on like this.

He is not sulking. The silence means he checked out of the relationship emotionally. You broke up, didn't you? He is just using you for sex now, since you allow it.

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No, that's not it. Sorry.

He didn't go silent after the sex.

In fact the sex has nothing to do with why he's sulking.

Jealousy is the issue and it's something that happened afterwards.

You gotta love how every comment here is "he's using you for sex". What makes you think I'm not using HIM for sex?

My question was how to deal with an insecure man.

Stay on point people.

Posted by Caia

Posted by tiziani
If the health of your relationship depends on the actions of people outside of the relationship, don't bother, there's nothing to resolve. It was never real in the first place.

Now if it really depended on something you did that hurt their feelings then set the standard and the boundary earlier that you both expect to be able to talk it out and give sonething to one another that establishes trust, making it clear you don't intend to deliberately walk on each other's feelings.

I find with water people if they start saying that "I just want to be around you 24 7" stuff then it's already too late. The opportunity to set mutual boundaries is in the rear view mirror long since gone.

That's what mature people do. They talk it out. This guy has mercury in Pisces.

I mean, come on. I have no chance in hell in getting him to talk.

I get the "look", followed by the "sulk" and then I'm supposed to just magically know!

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Just curious....what does the mercury in Pisces thing mean? I'm just now getting into this whole thing so sun/moon signs are all I know so far.

Posted by thisismylife2015

Just curious....what does the mercury in Pisces thing mean? I'm just now getting into this whole thing so sun/moon signs are all I know so far.

It means verbal communication is not their forte.

Posted by tiziani
"I'm very independent & he wanted me to be within reach at all times."

Yep, the point of no return. When water people start saying that something has already gone wrong that's offended them deeply.

He very well may have felt that something had gone wrong & been offended but if he did it was all make believe & imagined in his own mind due to his own insecurity. The funny thing is, this same guy started seeing this married woman, called me months later begging for me to come over. I did out of curiosity & what he wanted was to cry, actual tears, to me because his married girlfriend went on vacation with her husband!! LOL (They are still together - she's now divorced & they live together) So I have a hard time taking ownership over some imagined offense that was great enough to check out of the relationship while ignoring the actual offense of being cheated on. That's crazy talk. Being cheated on would offend me deeply, my partner working, going to school, taking a nap & wearing a tank top in front of a pizza man... not so much LOL

Posted by RiverLee

Posted by tiziani
"I'm very independent & he wanted me to be within reach at all times."

Yep, the point of no return. When water people start saying that something has already gone wrong that's offended them deeply.

He very well may have felt that something had gone wrong & been offended but if he did it was all make believe & imagined in his own mind due to his own insecurity. The funny thing is, this same guy started seeing this married woman, called me months later begging for me to come over. I did out of curiosity & what he wanted was to cry, actual tears, to me because his married girlfriend went on vacation with her husband!! LOL (They are still together - she's now divorced & they live together) So I have a hard time taking ownership over some imagined offense that was great enough to check out of the relationship while ignoring the actual offense of being cheated on. That's crazy talk. Being cheated on would offend me deeply, my partner working, going to school, taking a nap & wearing a tank top in front of a pizza man... not so much LOL

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Aaah yes...the imaginary offenses. Gotta love those.

I was with a watery man for a long time and the relationship was off and on for years - mainly because he was a drama queen. He'd break things off after an imaginary offense I committed, only to come running back after a week.

I'd break things off, only for us to be back together again. It was also a karmic relationship and he too had a water mercury. It was so frustrating. I finally broke things off for good.

He never got over me - but at that point I really didn't care.

Posted by e11e
you are trying to act real hard but you are the one who created the thread, not him.

so, who is really insecure?

if you really don't care that you two are using each other for sex, than what is the point of the thread?

personally, I'm full of a bit of water and I find you disrespectful towards him and I'm sure he probably feels it too.

Uh, why did I create the thread? How about you go back to the beginning and actually read what I said.

Use a magnifying glass if you need one.

I never said we're using each other for sex..that's your interpretation.

Just like the fish assumed he's using me for sex...which is why I said, why is it always the guy using the woman for sex? It can work the other way round too.

Listen, I'm not interested in your issues and your bullshit responses. If you can't read and respond on how to deal with an insecure man, get the hell out of the thread.

Capisci?

Thank you.

Posted by LittleStar
My husband puts his foot down when I start to go into silence mode. It really is a habit. He won't indulge my moods and encourages me to be open and also leads by example.

There haven't been games and the trust I have in him allows me to open up as well.

Most of the work was on me. Like I said, I had to want to get better and ultimately the relationships in the past had to be left in the past. They were too damaged to be repaired and I had to spend a lot of time out of a serious relationship before I could find something healthy for me.

Thank you Littlestar. Your honesty is truly refreshing.

It gives me hope where water mercury is concerned. If this relationship is as karmic as I think it is, maybe I'm supposed to teach him how to open up and express himself clearly.

It's going to be one hell of a long road and I don't know if I want to go down it.

Posted by tiziani
Edit: apologies, here's the actual results

Haha...the curse of the schlong.

Posted by tiziani
Although sidenote: I didn't have time to go through all the records of the votes but did look like a lot of Pisces and Cancer man voted for themselves.

Ha! You don't say

Posted by Impulsv
Lets see I'm going to use my Aries cousin as an example. She came crying how her ex was insecure dramatics had GPS her phone. Hmmm let's see what did she do in the relationships for him to behave that way. Made excuses to go out party n lied to him about were she was going dancing. He asked her to move in she said no but later he over heard the discussion who she thought he was boring . So when my cousins roommate bailed n she said now I want to move in he told her everything he had discovered n dumped her. So he sensed her disrespect toward him, her behavior was schetchy yet it was all his fault n insecure. She acted single in other words

All I'm saying is if ur bringing this into ur life more than once it is time to look.at the common denominator. What in u are u attracting this.
Ur emotionally distant,hot n cold . It takes two to tango.

Also even if u get with a twin chartwise one of the biggest lesson is that even they the won't behave like u , won't deal with issues like you, n accepting another as they are is huge

I totally get where you're coming from Impulsv and your Aries cousin sounds very immature. I don't play games. I don't have time or patience for them. I don't cheat in relationships.

In my scenario I actually told him where I was going to be and asked him to meet me there after he finished work so we could leave together (if he was tired). He works near where I was going to be.

Anyway we message back and forth through the night and then he finally says he can't make it, he's too tired and needs to go and sleep.

Next thing I know, I see him there and I don't know when he actually showed up. Like WTF? Was he checking up on me? I mean, who's playing the games?

I went up to say hi to him and he was mad at me. He gave me the passive aggressive "nothing's wrong" and it just pissed me off. I wasn't doing anything other than talking with people at the party so I don't know what he saw or what he think he saw.

Anyway, he shut down and I've left him alone.

Posted by tiziani
Water Sign anthem

Hahahaha??_totally!!!

I don't wanna give you the wrong impression
I need love and affection
L-O-V-EEEE and affectionnnnnnnnnnnnnn

(Just read mah mindddd baby)