Longer than average non-exclusive relationships?

I want a little insight on this before I find myself jumping to conclusions.

I was talking to a girl the other day about her relationship with a guy. I started asking her if she had a boy in her life, and she told me yes. I asked her how long they had been together and if it was serious. She told me they had been seeing each other for almost 6 months and that they were taking things very slow, which she really liked. Then she told me that they weren't exclusive but that it was alright with her because she found them to be overrated sometimes. So, I asked her by non-exclusive if she meant they were in an open relationship/seeing other people besides each other. She told me that it was a touchy subject. She's committed to him in the fact that she doesn't want to date anyone else. And then she told me that he told her that he could stay committed without having to tell the whole world about it. So, I stopped the questioning there and wished her luck, in her relationship.

So, my question is, is this really just a relationship where both people are perfectly fine in where they are and have no reason to make it into something, or is this a case where one or both people want to keep their options open? I feel that more about the guy (because I feel like he has been branching out), but I didn't want to think wrong.

I wrote about this couple before in the capricorn forum since the guy is a cap (and she is a libra). She had complained earlier that she was feeling upset about wanting to feel secure about their love and that she was starting to feel slightly distant from him. I mentioned some stuff, yada yada, helped her out, so things seem to be fine. I know caps are known for taking it pretty slow, but after six months with few breaks in between, you're practically together, IMO.

I might just be naive to this. I was involved in a couple of non-exclusive relationships, but those were definitely stated. And in those relationships, our options (mostly his) were kept open. One of those relationships was involved with the only guy I ever loved, and he certainly loved me as well, but he wasn't very ready to commit, so it wasn't exclusive. I wasn't too upset by that, only because it was an obvious thing.

Okay, going off on a tangent, but what would you say about this relationship?

^^^
I feel the same way, though. I agree that it's hard to tell, and I really wouldn't want to jump to conclusions, but I just feel that after six months, you should just know. Six months of intimacy yet you're still calling him your friend? After month 4, I would have wondered where we were going. I was little curious as to why she had said her non-exclusive relationship was a touchy subject, but I knew it wasn't my place to ask.

That's true, and that to me is totally fine; although I wouldn't be able to do that myself. I don't think that was communicated between them, though, since her attitude towards him isn't necessarily, "We're playing it casual right now." And she's very intent on being with him. She had complained before that she wanted him to love her (or show it) as much as she loved him.

Posted by Candeh15
^^^
I feel the same way, though. I agree that it's hard to tell, and I really wouldn't want to jump to conclusions, but I just feel that after six months, you should just know. Six months of intimacy yet you're still calling him your friend? After month 4, I would have wondered where we were going. I was little curious as to why she had said her non-exclusive relationship was a touchy subject, but I knew it wasn't my place to ask.

Yeah, I would be curious about that too. If its non-exclusive, then why is it so touchy? Also, if she brought up the non-exclusive relationship, does she not want an opinion :/

So hard to know except I do believe that it is hard for most women to really be able to deal with these type of relationships. I was in a place fairly recently that I thought I wanted a more casual relationship (even though ultimately I wanted it to be monogamous). I developed feelings though and starting wanting more. I have found that what I really ultimately want is a relationship that is monogamous but still has freedom for both parties to do their own activities and things with friends and doesn't require being attached at the hip or the need to call all the time if one or the other is busy. That actually just describes a healthy relationship...lol. I guess I don't have enough experience with those!

It sounds by what you said she has mentioned that she isn't very happy with it despite what she says about it being okay. A lot of times we don't share everything with people but only tidbits especially when someone is in denial about the situations but wants just a tad of input from friends without revealing too much. I am sure there are women who ae successful at these types of relationships and I may even want this type right at this moment b/c I don't want to get too involved with any one person right now. We will see though b/c I am an emotional person.
I hope she is really alright with it.

Posted by cappysweetie


Yeah, I would be curious about that too. If its non-exclusive, then why is it so touchy? Also, if she brought up the non-exclusive relationship, does she not want an opinion :/

I was the one who started the conversation at that point, but sometime before, she was upset about it and talked to her. She told me the other day that her relationship was difficult to explain to other people, and that everyone that the relationship was wrong and that he could be cheating on her. She then said that she didn't care, and that if he was, it was his choice. She repeated again what he said about him not having to tell the world that he is committed to her, and that she trusted him. I can believe that, but I guess I can't get over the fact that I believe he is seeing other people or that he may just not see the relationship the way she does. Mind you, they are also long distance. But I really do hope this is a case where she is just open to the idea of them both seeing other people

She is lying to herself and that's the most disturbing part of all .. because she's not ok with any of it ... that is written all over the wall, isn't it?



After this amount of time, he would know if he was all that into her. Taking it slow is fine, but, after 3 months tops, a person knows if they want to take things to another level. Perhaps, they will wait to start this next level but, they at least know that the feelings are present to want to take that step.

He appears to be uninterested in looking at any posibility of a future with her .. and she has already stated she wishes he would love her.


I think it's terribly sad really .... when women want to be loved so bad that they lower themselves down like this.

Posted by P-Angel
She is lying to herself and that's the most disturbing part of all .. because she's not ok with any of it ... that is written all over the wall, isn't it?

I think she wants to believe she is as sure as she comes off. I just found it so strange for her to say that if he cheated on her, she wouldn't really care since it was his choice. I mean, I guess since they aren't exclusive, he generally has the freedom to do what he wants; am I right? I wouldn't really know how this would all turn out because I don't know his side of the story, but what I'm getting is that he probably does care for her a bit, but he just doesn't really want to lay it all down and commit. Like she kept saying, he "doesn't need to tell the whole world that he's committed to her." I can understand this, but what does that even mean? It's true that she is the only person that needs to know, but if it was a serious commitment, wouldn't it be obvious to others without him having to tell them?

"It's true that she is the only person that needs to know, but if it was a serious commitment, wouldn't it be obvious to others without him having to tell them?"

But, it's not a serious commitment .. I thought that is what this is about?


It's a sad situation .. the today woman .. who has lost her sense of values when it comes to men. Just look at this friend of yours, for example ... she would be loyal and devoted to him, and make sure he realizes that she is faithful to him, while he reserves the right to be a free man and not have to do anything in terms of working on relatinship devolopment. He can just come and go as he pleases .... while she remains only his.

That isn't his fault, you know. Women will come in here and make the insinuation that the guy is a jerk for making doing this type of thing to her .. when he does nothign of the sort.

She does it to herself ... I'd willing to wager that if your friend gave him the impression that she was free to date, if she let him know that her side is open .. he'd be all over it, angry as a mutherfuker.

She let's him walk over top of her, as do most women who come in here to moan about how they lack the emotional strength to survive without a man, and makes her very first mistake of letting him know she is out of control of herself.

"Then she told me that they weren't exclusive but that it was alright with her because she found them to be overrated sometimes. So, I asked her by non-exclusive if she meant they were in an open relationship/seeing other people besides each other. She told me that it was a touchy subject. She's committed to him in the fact that she doesn't want to date anyone else. And then she told me that he told her that he could stay committed without having to tell the whole world about it. So, I stopped the questioning there and wished her luck, in her relationship."



He told her this to keep her quiet about commitment, but, isn't it obvious that it's a lie? Why else would she beforehand say exclusive relationships are overrated, why would it be touchy?

You already know this because you stopped your questions and backed off ... you obviously realize that she lies to herself. And he's smart as hell, isn't he? He can easily get her to remain loyal to him, while he remains single as far as the rest of the world can see .. and he has her believing it.

She's gonna fall flat on her face .. and when it happens, Candeh, she will have no clue why or how it happened .. how sad, really.

Posted by P-Angel


That isn't his fault, you know. Women will come in here and make the insinuation that the guy is a jerk for making doing this type of thing to her .. when he does nothign of the sort.

Aww, but isn't it easier to NOT take accountability for the actions you've played in your relationship and blame it on the other person for being a "jerk." Presumably these are two adults in the relationship, so each person is accountable for their own actions (or inactions) and as I've stated before, people only do what someone allows them to do; therefore, if, as the OP has stated, that her friend is remaining "loyal" to this person, while he can go out and do whatever he wants, how is that HIS fault? He's doing what he wants to do, and she is accepting the relationship as status quo. Meaning, he's doing whatever he wants (which he has the right to do), and she's accepting this. If she has a problem with it, she has every opportunity to make her feelings known, but instead, as P has pointed out:

Posted by P-Angel


She does it to herself ... I'd willing to wager that if your friend gave him the impression that she was free to date, if she let him know that her side is open .. he'd be all over it, angry as a mutherfuker.

She let's him walk over top of her, as do most women who come in here to moan about how they lack the emotional strength to survive without a man, and makes her very first mistake of letting him know she is out of control of herself.

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When I was talking to this girl, this all resonated with me because I had been in a relationship like hers (with a cap as well). I was seeing the guy for like 5 months, and he never spoke to me about making it exclusive. I was still somewhat naive, and I didn't want to say anything because I just wanted to "go with the flow." I remember when we were attempting to be intimate and he asked me to have sex with him, I told him if I did, I'd only want to be intimate with him. He simply said, "good, that means I don't have to worry about you sleeping with other people." But the only thought that I had was, "what about you?" The cap would disappear periodically, but he'd always come back, so I never really had a clear break from him. Needless to say, cap started seeing someone else while still seeing me, started to drift away until eventually I didn't hear from him anymore. Then he contacted me after like a month or two of not talking, and one of the first things he asks me is, "Did you lose your virginity? Did you want to?" That conversation was the first time I told him no and got my confidence back. I refused to be just be hanging on by a thread while he went out to "greener pastures."

So, her situation really got to me. It is a sad thing, especially when you don't realize where you stand with a person. I didn't realize it until I noticed how he only wanted me when it was convenient for him. I can't necessarily say if this is the same situation, but I can only see this going one way or another if she doesn't realize it already.

But it's true; it's not this guy's fault. However, when I ended it with the guy I was seeing, I perceived as all his. It took me a while to realize that he was just doing what he was allowed to do. It's the same here. The way she is coming off is: "I know I want more from him, but I don't want to push him for fear that it'll make him go away. So, I'll just deal with it. As long as he is here, it works." But how much does it really work? You allow him to just walk over you because you don't want to lose what you had. Is it worth it? I remember the girl told me that in her last relationship, she had been screwed over badly by the guy; so in response, she tried to hold onto her current guy because she wanted the love; she admitted to never being clingy before. I told her that what she was doing was only going to push him away more. She explained to me that after talking to him, the guy said he had problems of his own to work out. I told the girl she needed to focus on herself before she started worrying about what happened to her guy. She agreed, but I think she's taken this as "submit to whatever you're given."