Skykomish
@Skykomish
15 Years1,000+ PostsScorpio
Comments: 27 · Posts: 1724 · Topics: 120
New Experiment
Well if you're not comfortable dating multiple people at once, don't do it. If doing so is not "you" then don't do it.
Dating multiple people at the same time is ok as long as all parties involved are very aware of that fact. In other words, don't lie to 1 guy & tell him that you're only dating him if you're really dating 2 other guys at the same time. Be honest about you it, that way others will know what it is; that way you won't have to worry about hearing the "you lead me on" speech.
HOWEVER, dating multiple people at the same time takes practice. There's a right/wrong way to go about it. If you start having feelings for 1, cut things off with all others. Most people mess up the minute they try to distribute feelings/love/emotions/all their energy b/w 2 or more people. Hell, it's hard enough as it is to give your time/energy to just 1 person, let alone others.
The minute you can see that someone is falling for you & is expecting things to be more exclusive, make the decision right then & there as to whether or not you can handle that. If you see that someone is expecting for you to only date them, don't tell them that you can unless you really can! If you lie or try to be "slick" about things, people will catch onto this & will assume that even if they do everything right to earn your respect & trust, that you wouldn't be able to clearly appreciate that since you'd be focused on & entertaining other guys at the same time. Once this happens, that's when people start catching you up and/or making you feel guilty for dating multiple people.
Then again, half the guys you date could very well be dating multiple other women at the same time too! BUT, people like me, are counting on 1. The other person telling me that up front AND 2. The other person's ability to let all others go persay things b/w me & them get serious. If neither of those 2 happen, that's where the problems begin & that's how it's easy to get the reputation as being a player or 1 to lead others on
Dating multiple people at the same time is ok as long as all parties involved are very aware of that fact. In other words, don't lie to 1 guy & tell him that you're only dating him if you're really dating 2 other guys at the same time. Be honest about you it, that way others will know what it is; that way you won't have to worry about hearing the "you lead me on" speech.
HOWEVER, dating multiple people at the same time takes practice. There's a right/wrong way to go about it. If you start having feelings for 1, cut things off with all others. Most people mess up the minute they try to distribute feelings/love/emotions/all their energy b/w 2 or more people. Hell, it's hard enough as it is to give your time/energy to just 1 person, let alone others.
The minute you can see that someone is falling for you & is expecting things to be more exclusive, make the decision right then & there as to whether or not you can handle that. If you see that someone is expecting for you to only date them, don't tell them that you can unless you really can! If you lie or try to be "slick" about things, people will catch onto this & will assume that even if they do everything right to earn your respect & trust, that you wouldn't be able to clearly appreciate that since you'd be focused on & entertaining other guys at the same time. Once this happens, that's when people start catching you up and/or making you feel guilty for dating multiple people.
Then again, half the guys you date could very well be dating multiple other women at the same time too! BUT, people like me, are counting on 1. The other person telling me that up front AND 2. The other person's ability to let all others go persay things b/w me & them get serious. If neither of those 2 happen, that's where the problems begin & that's how it's easy to get the reputation as being a player or 1 to lead others on
Well, I didn't come right out and say, I'm not just dating you.. but it wasn't brought up either. I would DEFINITELY cut off anything with someone else if things became exclusive/feelings got involved. I'm very black and white also. Which may be part of why this isn't feeling right.
And if it isn't me don't do it.. welllllll... if you keep doing what you've always done, you can't expect different results. Keep beating your head against a wall, its no wonder you have a headache. I need to try something different.
And if it isn't me don't do it.. welllllll... if you keep doing what you've always done, you can't expect different results. Keep beating your head against a wall, its no wonder you have a headache. I need to try something different.
Well I think if you want things to change, that starts with you & how you pre-screen each person. I don't think adding a whole bunch of other people to the list will help, if the main problem started with you & perhaps just 1 person. I'm not saying that you do this, but some people try to go date multiple people for all the wrong reasons. They just throw themselves out there w/o knowing a thing or 2 about how to really do it.
I think it's worth a try =)
As with anything, just keep your integrity, be honest with others about it & know your limits. It's good that you have enough decency to cut others off when you start getting more serious with 1 person. Half of the problem in why dating multiple people has such a bad label is b/c of that right there. There's nothing wrong with innocent fun spread out b/w a bunch of willing participants. BUT eventually 1 or 2 guys is actually gonna be what you want & when that time comes, you've gotta start getting back in the groove of just focusing on 1 person. Problem is, so many people kind of OVERLY enjoy the aspect of having variety, thus that's why they can't seem to fathom commitment or monogamy once they finally do find someone that's good enough for them. Don't have TOO much fun! =P
I think it's worth a try =)
As with anything, just keep your integrity, be honest with others about it & know your limits. It's good that you have enough decency to cut others off when you start getting more serious with 1 person. Half of the problem in why dating multiple people has such a bad label is b/c of that right there. There's nothing wrong with innocent fun spread out b/w a bunch of willing participants. BUT eventually 1 or 2 guys is actually gonna be what you want & when that time comes, you've gotta start getting back in the groove of just focusing on 1 person. Problem is, so many people kind of OVERLY enjoy the aspect of having variety, thus that's why they can't seem to fathom commitment or monogamy once they finally do find someone that's good enough for them. Don't have TOO much fun! =P
I think its always great to step outside of the box and do something that is not typical of you. I find that it can change your perspective drastically and basically change the way everything looks and feels.
Dating and being in a relationship are two very different things.
I say try it on for size. You'll know after a bit if it's not for you at which time you can stop.
Dating and being in a relationship are two very different things.
I say try it on for size. You'll know after a bit if it's not for you at which time you can stop.
ur thread in Pisces:
Posted by Nefer
Sky said "date" not "sex" or "have relationships" with more than one guy (though idgaf how many or how few guys a woman has sex with - HER body, HER choice. But NOT having sex with these guys will help keep her from getting emo-bonded from the sex hormones and ending up in an FWB situation where she wants more, he just wants sex.)
Ladies, never play games, never lie.. always be real and be honest... but just because a guy takes you to dinner or a movie, doesn't mean he automatically keeps you all to himself while he decides if he even likes you enough to take you out again, much less if he'd want a relationship with you. Waiting around like that sucks.. and usually backfires. If he wants you to be exclusive, he will SAY so... and until you're exclusive.. you're not exclusive!
Sky has the (common) habit of meeting a great guy and immediately throwing herself into him and only him and treating it like an exclusive relationship.. when they're still casually dating and getting to know each other. It's been backfiring on her, she's not the FWB type.. She NEEDS to date several guys.. just getting to know them, and herself, figuring out what she likes and what she really wants.. meeting some great guys, maybe even the right one for her.. go out and have fun, and don't laser-focus all her (scary lol) Scorp intensity on one guy, that's just too much too soon.. until and unless one fabulous guy makes it clear he'd like to be exclusive, asks her outright for a comittment and SHE agrees.
Posted by NeferPosted by Pesca2
dating more than one person? i would find that rather confusing....
what conclusions do arise?
person A has a great sense of humor
person B has ambitions
person C is intelligent
whom to take. whom to choose?
but good luck anyhow!
You take D.. the one guy who has MANY amazing qualities and who ASKS you to commit to him because you're BOTH developing feelings for each other and want to have an exclusive relationship.click to expand
Krys.. I agree with you.. no games, no dishonesty! But if Sky only dates ONE guy at a time, Sky laser-focuses and loses herself.. before the guy's even on board! AcK!
And Shadows, you get it, babes! It's all about changing what's not working and finding a better solution.
Sky, honey... man, it's scary, huh? Woowee! When we step THAT FAR out of our usual comfort zone, we naturally get uncomfortable. Patterns are easy, they're familiar.. but if they're ineffective (or worse, destructive!) then that's when we need to change it up. I'm very proud of you.. takes a lot of guts to break bad habits.
One thing I want to mention though.. Try to not defeat yourself with a guy before you even get started.. like the Taurus. It's like you got your cart in front of your horse.. had a nice date.. but now you're dwelling on all these scenarios and "can't works".. and you only went out with him once! Okay, so Taurus isn't outdoorsy like you. Mmm so? And maybe you don't like Football Sunday like he does.. should he disqualify YOU cuz there's something you likely won't be doing together, should you become a couple in the future?? Ex. I *HATE* the cold.. total wimp city and I make no apologies for it. My Libra LOVES it and does all kinds of winter fun stuff.. his fave being snowmobiling. Not THIS chica, uh uh. So that's not something we do together.. he can go out with friends and ride.. and I can do something else... go out with the girls, sit around in a mud-mask with cuke slices on my eyes.. read a book, watch a chick flick or futuristic movie he DEF doesn't want to see, or just enjoy the peace and quiet cuz the TV's not on for once LOL See what I mean?
SO.. go out with Taurus guy if he asks again, enjoy it... and IF you two become a couple.. then the outdoorsy stuff is the stuff you'll do alone, or with other friends. You're best to keep a few activities and interests that don't include him anyway. People shouldn't do everything together.
Now to the crux of your stress.. Sky.. as long as you aren't lying to anyone.. how is it "using" anyone? These men don't expect that you'll drop everyone else from your life the moment he asks you to dinner. Men date women to get to know them and enjoy their company, same thing YOU are doing. IF a guy catches deeper feelings than you, be honest. Talk about it, don't pretend anything. A man takes you out, you owe him nothing but the pleasure of your company.. you don't owe him sex, exclusivity, or a relationship. And a SMILE
And Shadows, you get it, babes! It's all about changing what's not working and finding a better solution.
Sky, honey... man, it's scary, huh? Woowee! When we step THAT FAR out of our usual comfort zone, we naturally get uncomfortable. Patterns are easy, they're familiar.. but if they're ineffective (or worse, destructive!) then that's when we need to change it up. I'm very proud of you.. takes a lot of guts to break bad habits.
One thing I want to mention though.. Try to not defeat yourself with a guy before you even get started.. like the Taurus. It's like you got your cart in front of your horse.. had a nice date.. but now you're dwelling on all these scenarios and "can't works".. and you only went out with him once! Okay, so Taurus isn't outdoorsy like you. Mmm so? And maybe you don't like Football Sunday like he does.. should he disqualify YOU cuz there's something you likely won't be doing together, should you become a couple in the future?? Ex. I *HATE* the cold.. total wimp city and I make no apologies for it. My Libra LOVES it and does all kinds of winter fun stuff.. his fave being snowmobiling. Not THIS chica, uh uh. So that's not something we do together.. he can go out with friends and ride.. and I can do something else... go out with the girls, sit around in a mud-mask with cuke slices on my eyes.. read a book, watch a chick flick or futuristic movie he DEF doesn't want to see, or just enjoy the peace and quiet cuz the TV's not on for once LOL See what I mean?
SO.. go out with Taurus guy if he asks again, enjoy it... and IF you two become a couple.. then the outdoorsy stuff is the stuff you'll do alone, or with other friends. You're best to keep a few activities and interests that don't include him anyway. People shouldn't do everything together.
Now to the crux of your stress.. Sky.. as long as you aren't lying to anyone.. how is it "using" anyone? These men don't expect that you'll drop everyone else from your life the moment he asks you to dinner. Men date women to get to know them and enjoy their company, same thing YOU are doing. IF a guy catches deeper feelings than you, be honest. Talk about it, don't pretend anything. A man takes you out, you owe him nothing but the pleasure of your company.. you don't owe him sex, exclusivity, or a relationship. And a SMILE
Posted by Nefer
Krys.. I agree with you.. no games, no dishonesty! But if Sky only dates ONE guy at a time, Sky laser-focuses and loses herself.. before the guy's even on board! AcK!
I agree. Problem is, if a person doesn't know how to stop putting so much faith in 1 person before they deserve it yet, they'll continue on in the same patterns/habits with multiple people. And that can make things even worse. That's where the problems can begin
You don't have to outright say, "By the way, I'm dating 5 other men" BUT if other guys know up front that they should NOT & cannot expect anything exclusive UNLESS it gets serious enough, that's the best way to go. When others know that you don't owe them anything, they'll work a little bit harder to gain your attention & show you what they've got, instead of worrying about who the competition might be. Then again, there are some people who only prefer to date those who only date 1 person at a time. So if she runs into someone like that, he oughta know up front what he's getting into and/or that he's dating someone with a different perspective/mindset that he has. And hey, if he can't handle that, he can keep it moving. But if he can, he'll actually take the other competition to mean a GOOD thing since it shows that she doesn't limit herself to just 1 person unless she's in a relationship.
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So yeah.. dating more than one person at a time. Totally new thing for me. REALLY trying to see it as a fun thing, way to make new friends.. but I don't want to lead anyone on and I don't want to hurt anyone.
So, REALLY got along and had a ton of fun with the Taurus. Definitely want to do it again, but I'm afraid that's being selfish.. no way it could work long term, because he has an allergy to sunlight and I'm a big outdoorsy person. But it was so fun :/
Tonight I see a Pisces. No clue how that's going to work out, I can't get a read on him from online/text. But the 2 pisceans I've met in the last week are AWESOME (1 is gay, 1 is in his 40/50s). So.. kind of expecting it to be good.
Then I got a Leo who wants me to go out with him, and a Gem, and a Sag. lol I have the whole spectrum.. fire/earth/air/water lol.
I just feel really like I'm being a shitty person for doing this. Please tell me I'm not.. this is totally new to me and I REALLY don't want to hurt anyone or be unfair.