Psychoanalyze my dating problem

I have a problem, hoping to get some helpful feedback

I have been single for 11 years for the most part with the exception of a short term relationship somewhere in the middle & a few complicated non-committed "relationships" over the years. I haven't been on a real date in over a year.

It's not that I'm unattractive, I get plenty of compliments on not just my looks but my intelligence & humor etc. & there are men that have been interested. The problem is... I get completely turned off anytime a man shows too much interest & chases me. Excessive phone calls/texts/messages annoy me & make me panic. On the flip side, I find myself really attracted to men who aren't very interested in me. I become the very kind of person who I find to be a turn off. The chaser, making excessive contact. I understand how this is a turn off & makes me appear desperate, yet I do it anyway.

I'm content being single but I wouldn't say that I'm completely happy. I'm not desperate to be in a relationship, I would like to be in one if not for the fact that I panic whenever there's potential for that. The easy answer is that I have commitment phobia. Although prior to my 11 years of being single I was always in long term relationships with no problems being & staying committed. (never cheated, never was the one to end the relationships) Although I will say that I think all of the men I have been in LTR's with walked a fine line between interest & un-interest. IE: They weren't very emotionally expressive so there was always a level of unsurety throughout the years.

What makes a person a commitment phobe & how do you change it?

Posted by Kjk62
I feel you. I just like the chase/challenge. Everyone wants to win over the dream girl/guy.
Dont stress it tho, im not big on relationships either.
Btw, what's your moon and venus?

Both in Gemini..... Doomed, I know 😄

But really I am big on relationships, would love to have one, if only I could get over this mental block.

Posted by e11e
do you have any aspects between venus and uranus?

I don't know enough about astrology to tell you that so here's my chart


Zodiac in degrees 0.00 Placidus Orb:0
Sun Taurus 19.08 Ascendant Sagittarius 26.54
Moon Gemini 22.19 II Aquarius 2.04
Mercury Aries 22.55 III Pisces 10.12
Venus Gemini 15.35 IV Aries 14.36
Mars Leo 12.07 V Taurus 12.21
Jupiter Cancer 4.44 VI Gemini 5.27
Saturn Leo 23.50 VII Gemini 26.54
Uranus Scorpio 14.10 R VIII Leo 2.04
Neptune Sagittarius 17.42 R IX Virgo 10.12
Pluto Libra 14.27 R Midheaven Libra 14.36
Lilith Cancer 12.33 XI Scorpio 12.21
Asc node Libra 5.14 XII Sagittarius 5.27


Planet Aspect Planet Orb/Value
Sun Square Saturn 4.43 -21
Sun Opposition Uranus 4.57 -117
Moon Sextile Mercury 0.36 289
Moon Conjunction Venus 6.44 210
Moon Sextile Saturn 1.32 112
Moon Opposition Neptune 4.37 -107
Moon Trine Pluto 7.52 2
Moon Opposition Ascendant 4.35 -88
Moon Trine Midheaven 7.43 3
Mercury Trine Saturn 0.56 74
Mercury Trine Neptune 5.13 35
Mercury Opposition Pluto 8.28 -11
Mercury Trine Ascendant 3.59 40
Mercury Opposition Midheaven 8.19 -12
Venus Sextile Mars 3.28 35
Venus Opposition Neptune 2.06 -138
Venus Trine Pluto 1.08 69
Venus Trine Midheaven 0.59 61
Mars Square Uranus 2.03 -59
Mars Trine Neptune 5.34 24
Mars Sextile Pluto 2.20 59
Mars Sextile Midheaven 2.29 46
Jupiter Opposition Ascendant 7.49 -17
Saturn Trine Neptune 6.09 10
Saturn Trine Ascendant 3.04 17
Neptune Sextile Pluto 3.14 11
Neptune Conjunction Ascendant 9.13 6
Neptune Sextile Midheaven 3.05 9
Pluto Conjunction Midheaven 0.09 39
1151 -570 581

Posted by beautifuldiaster
You don't sound commitment phobic. you sound independent and strong.

How would you feel if I told you that you had to submit to a man? how would you respond?

What if I told you that no man can guarantee his devotion, would you agree or disagree?

Just random questions. Answer with your gut instinct. No pre meditated answer.

If you told me I had to submit to a man my gut instinct says NO! but at the same time, I could/would within reason.

If you told me that no man can guarantee his devotion my gut instinct agrees... sadly.

Posted by RiverLee

I get plenty of compliments on not just my looks but my intelligence & humor etc. ....

How bizarre.

I am in contact with tons of people on the regular, and none of them receive or give compliments aplenty.

You seem to believe that this is relevant, since you mention it.

Maybe the problem is your ego, in that you're focused on surface bullshit that doesn't matter.

Posted by e11e
okay, so you don't have any taxing aspects that stick out as "commitmentphobic" and if your birth time is right....those gem placements aren't sitting in your 7th house.

that's *good to know*.

I think what you are dealing with is that gemini venus....and sense it's conjunction your moon....it's a double potent. lol

In my experience with Taurus who have the gemini venus.....you have the inherent 'want' or 'craving' to be in a traditional relationship....because of the security you think it will bring.

However, you gemini venus doesn't want that. It's almost allergic to the thought.

You are trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.

Try to define what *you* want from relationships and not stress over what society tells you is the 'proper' relationship model....which you may have been conditioned to believe is the only way to get that security.

Yes, I agree with everything you said. The Taurus craving for a stable & secure commitment but also the Geminis reaction, which is very much like an allergy, down to the suffocating feeling of not being able to breath.

I already know that the chances of me living with someone are pretty slim, I've done it before & didn't find it appealing. I value my own space too much. And this means I will probably never marry & I'm okay with that. I would really just like to be able to find myself interested in & attracted to someone who is also interested in & attracted to me without wanting to run.

I really hate my Gem placements, I feel as if I'm being pulled into 2 completely opposite directions.

Posted by e11e
well, the best thing you can do is learn to love the gemini placements. There is a whimsy and free spirit there that you can work with.....and with acceptance, they become a lot easier to deal with.

the only advice I can give....is be as straightforward with a potential suitors as you can be, at some point, you may run into someone who has the same fundamentals, in regards to relationship structures....but you won't know unless you communicate them.

one thing I've seen with this configuration is you are sometimes afraid to tell the other person because you think they might hightail it out of town....but, there are people who would find your outlook refreshing.

also, try to keep interactions light...don't put too much pressure on yourself. 'fall' into a relationship, don't try to force it...because that is when your gemini pieces will desperately try to crawl out that box you will be trying to stuff them in....and you'll get that 'flight' response feeling and the other person won't have a chance.

Great advice again 🙂

Now that I think about it, most of my past LTR's started out as friends & we just kind of fell into a relationship. This seemed to work out well for me as they weren't pursuing me, I didn't feel the pressure or panic & it was just very natural. I completely forgot about that & I HAVE been trying to force (chase/pursue) relationships instead of just being content with friendships & allowing them to naturally evolve, if that's what is meant to happen. I think because as the years have ticked by I have started to question myself, causing a bit of insecurity, which probably shows. I've been trying to prove something to myself but I've been doing it ALL wrong! This has been very eye opening. Thanks again!

Seraph you are absolutely right & you hit the nail on the head. I have created the problem in my own mind when there isn't really one. I think just over analyzing why I've been single for so long & having other people ask me why has made me feel as if there must be something wrong with me, when actually there isn't & I've been single by my own choice, not because of lack of options & interest. The longer I've been single, the more I feel as if I need to not be (even though I AM content & most days not overly concerned) so I have tried to force relationships just to prove to myself that I can have one, when I already know that I can. And I also know from past experience when I did have LTR's that those almost always began as friendships & slowly progressed. They weren't forced as I have been trying to do as of late. Thanks for the advice! 🙂

Posted by starlover
Separate towns please

😛

LOL. I second that.

Separate countries.

I'm like you're mother Tiziano.

I need to find a man like your father.

I have the separate bedrooms/bathrooms situation. I have the master, he gets what would normally be called.the kids bath ane one of the extra bedrooms. On one hand, it works and we like it. On the other, I miss the closeness and intimacy that sharing a bed can bring. The bathrooms can stay separate, tho, lol.

Seraph.....I couldn't agree more on the constantly analyzing and looking for things to fix.....and even more on being "friends" and basically just "going with the flow". Just so much easier that way!