Theoretical question about moving in with someone?

Some couples rush into a relationship and move in together very early on in the relationship. Sometimes this can work and they are together many years, other times it doesn't last as they didn't know each other well enough before living together.

My question is about the opposite. Do you think it can have a negative impact/ adverse effect on a relationship if you have been in a relationship for a considerable amount of time, spend time at each others places but not yet moved in together, despite both really wanting to?
If so, how will it affect a relationship? i.e. if one of the issues that sometime causes tension is not being able to see each other enough.....yet if you lived together you would see more of each other, thus not causing the tension.

Any other affects? Have you been in a relationship where not yet moving in together may hurt the relationship?

I personally have never heard of a relationship where two people with their own places have experienced difficulties...over the course of a long-term relationship.

If the issue is spending more time together, I consider that a separate situation and living together will not fix any underlying issues that may be keeping two people out of sync with each other...
It would depend on what was keeping them from moving in together, is it financial? family? commute time? if the reasons are practical they can be tolerated.
If the reasons are emotional/ trust/ baggage etc its a long haul.

I think people who move in together too quickly and their relationships are probably doomed to fail. "Hi I think you're really hot and sexy and/or I'm super codependent and am desperate to be with anyone, and I have no idea who you are! So come live in my home and watch the illusion quickly fall apart!"

Guarantees of relationship failing: getting married or moving in together too fast, tatooing someone's name on your body.

Do I think it can be detrimental to NOT move in together though? Yes. After a certain amount of time you need to shit or get off the pot, who the fuck are you fooling. People who have been "dating" for five or six years who have never lived together or gotten engaged? I doubt they're going to.

There's a balance between rushing into something, and just stalling around with someone you know you're not going to commit to, or that deep down you're not ready for that with anyone.

Posted by wagtail
I personally have never heard of a relationship where two people with their own places have experienced difficulties...over the course of a long-term relationship.

If the issue is spending more time together, I consider that a separate situation and living together will not fix any underlying issues that may be keeping two people out of sync with each other...
It would depend on what was keeping them from moving in together, is it financial? family? commute time? if the reasons are practical they can be tolerated.
If the reasons are emotional/ trust/ baggage etc its a long haul.

You don't really know someone until you live with them, IMO. Wow watch someone around their parents, or how they are when they are sick or first wake up in the morning, etc.

So yeah there's something still pretty shallow or non-committal about a relationship where people aren't either living together or making serious plans for marriage after a year or two. Three tops. Unless you're in high school, but I'm talking about adults.

On the other hand, I don't think it's smart at all to move in with someone you've known less than a year. It's like, hey, what exactly made you think you "loved" someone you don't even know that well? That's called "infatuation."

I'm not saying it never works, but the majority of the time...good rule of thumb to follow.

When I was 19yrs old I moved out of home with my first boyfriend (who was 18yrs old)within the first month of meeting and dating each other and we were living together for 5years, known each other now 8years and are still best friends.

My current living together relationship - met, dated for about 8months...moved in together for the last year. All up just over 1.5years.

It varies each time, there is no rule of thumb - you have to know yourself, and be prepared to walk away and/or fight the good fight and make it work.
Relationships are not meant to be easy.

Hi Wagtail.
About 6 months into the relationship we were at the stage where we knew we loved each other and wanted to be together, he would have "liked" to move in together but couldnt afford to because he was working part time trying to find more hours and so lived at home.....this suited me as at that time I moved out of my mothers into my own flat. At that point I didnt want to rush into moving in together, I wanted to take some time to live independently rather than going straight from mums to living with a guy lol. Anyways another 6 months passed and time to re-evaluate...we talked about moving intogether but at that point his family was going through some hard times including financial....so he didnt feel he could abandon them at that time (they have supported him at other times). A few months more passed and he is in full time work (and his family's situation has improved) but he hates his job- it messes with his body clock, dangerous, we hardly see each other, not finicially worth the effort it involves....thus causing him stress and us to bicker a lot over stupid things. We planned to move intogether in a months time from then but end up having a stupid argument and breaking up for 2 months resulting in us not moving in together. We then get back together and are again thinking about the future.

Part of the problem has been that whilst in that job, we hardly see each other, and I have sort of delayed moving intogether as we'd be passing ships in the night and broken sleep from each other getting in. So I have said I'd rather move intogether when he changes job, but its taken ages and I know this stresses us both out.

Now he is about to get a job he will really enjoy. We will still work different shifts but see each other more often than we do now . Hopefully he will be less stressed and we will argue less. Yet I still feel a little unsure of the future....

I mean if he was someone who works 9-5 with no family baggage then we would have moved in over a year ago, we'd enjoy our free time etc and be moving further forward in our relationship. Even though I love him, his personal circumstances have really taken a toll on our relationship. Sometimes I feel like Im swimming up stream and wonder whether these are signs we're not right for each other....or am I just having moments of grass might be greener thoughts. Sorry this sounds so confusing, I am feeling very confused.

Like I could find someone who is more similar to me in terms of work and life style etc, but I may not find the connection and spark that I have with this man. I know relationships are not supposed to be easy....and us as a couple comes easy....its just the other life stuff that isnt, and that does have a knock on effect on us. But where do you draw the line?
I suppose I could do with some examples of relationships that have either required a bit of patience/ work and lasted a long time, or not. My head and my heart are not on the same page right now. As much as I think we could have a great life together, the world doesnt seem to want to make it easy for us!

....and I know that the world can make life easy....a lot of things in life have gone my way 🙂 over the last few years, yet my relationship with this man...well he doesnt seem to have any luck in his own life. I guess I am used to putting effort in and getting results....where as this relationship isnt keeping up with my expectations. Yet I love this person and want to be with them. Argh!!!

Posted by cleopatra
Some couples rush into a relationship and move in together very early on in the relationship. Sometimes this can work and they are together many years, other times it doesn't last as they didn't know each other well enough before living together.

My question is about the opposite. Do you think it can have a negative impact/ adverse effect on a relationship if you have been in a relationship for a considerable amount of time, spend time at each others places but not yet moved in together, despite both really wanting to?
If so, how will it affect a relationship? i.e. if one of the issues that sometime causes tension is not being able to see each other enough.....yet if you lived together you would see more of each other, thus not causing the tension.

Any other affects? Have you been in a relationship where not yet moving in together may hurt the relationship?

If you both live singly,and there are no impediments other than practical ones, if any, to keep you apart, then it would be, I think, a matter of preference, not to cohabit. In my opinion, not good for a relationship.

Posted by dimitri

Posted by cleopatra
Some couples rush into a relationship and move in together very early on in the relationship. Sometimes this can work and they are together many years, other times it doesn't last as they didn't know each other well enough before living together.

My question is about the opposite. Do you think it can have a negative impact/ adverse effect on a relationship if you have been in a relationship for a considerable amount of time, spend time at each others places but not yet moved in together, despite both really wanting to?
If so, how will it affect a relationship? i.e. if one of the issues that sometime causes tension is not being able to see each other enough.....yet if you lived together you would see more of each other, thus not causing the tension.

Any other affects? Have you been in a relationship where not yet moving in together may hurt the relationship?

If you both live singly,and there are no impediments other than practical ones, if any, to keep you apart, then it would be, I think, a matter of preference, not to cohabit. In my opinion, not good for a relationship.

click to expand

WTF are you talking about?

she asked a theoretical Q.

Are you and your ex back together?

Anyway, I think in this case, it could have adverse affects if you are expecting it to happen, and it doesn't. It sounds like you wanted this more than the guy, since he was too occupied with other areas of his life. So, everytime you guys decided 'yeah, we can't, yet', I can see you being disappointed. Were you? After multiple times of getting your hopes and and them not working out, one can become moody and perhaps even take their negative feelings out on the other in a sort of revenge. Not saying you were like this, because I don't know. But perhaps other may be. I used to do that. My ex would always make plans without making sure if he could go or not, and then telling me day of, that we can't go. After dealing with this countless times, I got really mad at him and would say some stupid shit like 'No, you need to make SURE. I am not dealing with this again.' in an angry tone, etc. To some, it would be like that, except in this case, dealing with moving in. It would cause more tension if it was always on your mind....thinking about how great it would be to move in, or how sad you are that it hasn't happened....it would cause it to come out more in discussion, in word form or through your emotions.
Depending on schedules, if someone is really busy, it might be better if you lived with them...though that could also be bad. Good, because you get to see a llittle bit of them at least on days they'd be too tired to hang out, or bad because you think 'I'm already living here, why can't I spend more time with you, now?'. But, I can't really see any other negatives to moving in slowly, rather than fast.

first of all Cleo - I would be feeling incredibly grateful to have found a spark with someone special.
How wonderful it is in this big, bad world you have found someone to relate to! Lovely!

in terms of his getting the major steps in his life sorted - you say you have your own place at the mo yes?
Well I think you should embrace that, stop planning a future with this guy.
Focusing on what makes you happy, your daily routine, your work and social life... prioritize yourself and your happiness!.

Get this, my boyf was a night watchman at a hotel working 9pm to 8am in the morning 6nights a week, studying part time and also screenwriting projects from home and part time acting gigs in his 'spare' time...we lived an hour apart and had no common social circles.

A)he prioritized me and our relationship to the utmost of his juggling ability (if a man loves you and is serious about you he will do this! No questions ifs buts or otherwise!
and B)I had my own place for three years before I met him and having my own routine and things going on meant I never even thought about what we were missing by not living together, although he broached the subject gently several times to get me into the idea...

I think you should bite the bullet and move in together, take the risk... revel in the love and kindness, the care and compassion of a life partner.
So what if it doesn't work, so what if you fight, throw plates at each other, slam doors, piss off the neighbours! So what if you are woken at 3am in the morning on a school night, so what if you see each other for half an hour in the space of a week whilst living together!
That is what it's about! And trust me, the grass is looking greener for everyone after a while! lol
If you don't want to do that, make that decision in your heart and stick with it. Refocus your energy on yourself and your own life, and maybe if he feels less pressure (responsibility) for your happiness his own issues will become unblocked and he will have space to sort them out... surrender so to speak and the problems will unravel themselves, its a Magic Universe thing- trust me 😉