When their PAST matters..

So many people say, "Forgive & forget. The past is the past." BUT I'm also a firm believer that a person's past is a good indicator of their present/future behaviors.

What are some of the things you would NOT accept that a person's past contained? I'm talking about certain things that had/if you known from the BEGINNING, would change your outlook on that person, even if they are WONDERFUL in every other aspect.

Examples--would you continue dating someone (persay they told you this at the very BEGINNING) if they had:
-Criminal/prison record
-Serial cheating
-Owe back child support
-Drug/alcohol addiction (or any kind of addiction)
-Past containing physical/verbal/mental abuse either towards another person OR if these things have happend to them
-Bankrupcy

Yes, people change, BUT completely overlooking someone's past isn't the smartest thing to do either. I'm just curious to know what some of your DEAL BREAKERS are when 1st meeting someone

@Scorp: Thanx!

Criminal/prison record: Depends on what they did. If they any kind of felony, I probably wouldn't moreso b/c I wouldn't want to have to deal with a partner who was the least likely to find employment.

-Serial cheating: People change, BUT NOPE this is not a chance I'd be willing to take. Now if this man was a serial cheater 20 years ago & since has shown that he's alot different, that'd be different, but even then all men swear up & down they are faithful..it's not until later (the point of no return) that you find out the real truth. And if a man with this kind of past actually did cheat on me, I'd never hear the end of it/never forgive myself. I hate regretting it when I've given someone a chance, whose least likely to get the same chance from others.

-Owe back child support: That's a no-go all the way around! There is No excuse for this. I wouldn't want to end up conceiving the "next child" that hasn't been financially supported!

-Drug/alcohol addiction (or any kind of addiction): If he battled such an addiction 10 or more years ago, that'd be different, BUT if he had some kind of porn addiction (or an addiction that's likely to keep resurfing), I'd run in a heartbeat!

-Past containing physical/verbal/mental abuse either towards another person OR if these things have happend to them: I'd def. be concerned if he was physically/mentally abused BUT then again Idk if I'd want to come into a situation as a counselor
-Bankrupcy

Cool topic!

Let's see....criminal/prison record: Depends on what they did. Felonys are a bit challenging to rationalize, but if it was for a less serious offence, I can turn the other cheek. I would probably even joke with him about that part of his past (i.e. how many times did he drop the soap 😛)

Serial cheating: I agree that people change, but why set ones self up for arguments, pain, and all the unnecessary drama. It's like dating someone in the Mafia.......you already knew up front the "business" so you have no room for complaint.

Owe back child support: Depends on the circumstance. If he blantely ignored his obligations then yes....deal breaker for me. If he is unemployed or going through a rough spell, then I can be patient. Not every dad is a deadbeat dad.

Drug/alcohol addiction or any addiction: I am a HUGE supporter of the "underdog" and if addiction is something he battled in the past and overcame it, then lets move forward. However, if it resurfaces, I would be apt to think twice.

Past containing physical/mental/emotional abuse or if it happened to them: If he did it towards someone else, I would not even put myself in that situation. There are flags, you just have to be smart enough to recognize them. Entering into a relationship with someone who has experienced that....all I have to say to that is not everyone who has been in that kind of relationship requires a partner who will "council" them. If I was to enter a relationsip with someone who has experienced that, I would be concerned but I would not discount their potential to be a mate.

@Arch: Thanx

Good points as well. By "counseling" I meant that certain backgrounds are likely to resurface. Someone whose been emotionally/sexually/physically abused deserves loved too BUT there's always also a chance that their past could resurface, especially in their relationships with others down the road. It's not to say that people who've come from those kinds of environments always end up being the exact same way to others the way they were treated, BUT if I had the choice coming in (at the beggining) I'd prefer to start dating a mate whose past wasn't so crucial & devestating.

@Krys,

Thanks for sharing your POV. Not sure if I share your assessment of a persons past being devestating. Let's say that the person who has that kind of past views it differently. For example, lets say they view that experience in a positive light and they do not let that part of them define who they are. I know of a female who has that very past and to this day, she has NEVER let it stop her from achieving all of her goals dreams and she has a wonderful sense of humor. To her, that part of her past remains there, but is not shy nor ashamed to speak about it. Would him/her viewing their past differently change your opinion?

I think my answeres would look just like any body elses here.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Run.
And I was abused so I can relate, but I've spent my years in therapy learning to cope with it so having to help him go through it would feel like I'm going through mine again, so unless he's found peace the way I finally have then nope. If he's abusive? Haha that's an easy NO!

Posted by Archimedes
@Krys,

Thanks for sharing your POV. Not sure if I share your assessment of a persons past being devestating. Let's say that the person who has that kind of past views it differently. For example, lets say they view that experience in a positive light and they do not let that part of them define who they are. I know of a female who has that very past and to this day, she has NEVER let it stop her from achieving all of her goals dreams and she has a wonderful sense of humor. To her, that part of her past remains there, but is not shy nor ashamed to speak about it. Would him/her viewing their past differently change your opinion?

Awww are you talking about me? 😉
I'm actually a very positive person now a days. The only thing that would happen when all of the past would surfuse was falling into depression. But then again it's only been a few months since the problems have been slowing down and I already feel like I never had such a past. Though it does give me a better understanding about some thing. I actually am able to see more beauty in the world. And love life and enjoy the simple challenges of every day. Some times, of course, I wish I could be a teenager again without all the bs so I can act like a silly willy, but then again I'm able to make people laugh a ton anyways already! So I am living out those teenage years in a way. I was also sexually abused by my father and before it was all out in the open and before all the digging into it I had allot of issues that didn't make me wonder why people wouldn't want me. I used to not understand boundries. I didn't even know the word existed. But today I understand my inner self, those emotions, those urges, and really they're not even in me anymore because I understood them so well. I still don't see myself in a serious realtionship because I want to live out the single life and enjoy the people around me, and maybe there's some more to learn about myself still, I'm sure there is. So if I was to meet someone who's come to have a possitive outlook on life after all they gone through then I'd know. I mean, even as someone who's been abused I don't want someone abused because I'm afraid of the whole issues surfusing part too, but as long as it doesn't interfear with the present, and they're not using you as a therapist to let it all out, then I'm fine with it.

Posted by krysrenee7
So many people say, "Forgive & forget. The past is the past." BUT I'm also a firm believer that a person's past is a good indicator of their present/future behaviors.

What are some of the things you would NOT accept that a person's past contained? I'm talking about certain things that had/if you known from the BEGINNING, would change your outlook on that person, even if they are WONDERFUL in every other aspect.

Examples--would you continue dating someone (persay they told you this at the very BEGINNING) if they had:
-Criminal/prison record
-Serial cheating
-Owe back child support
-Drug/alcohol addiction (or any kind of addiction)
-Past containing physical/verbal/mental abuse either towards another person OR if these things have happend to them
-Bankrupcy

Yes, people change, BUT completely overlooking someone's past isn't the smartest thing to do either. I'm just curious to know what some of your DEAL BREAKERS are when 1st meeting someone

Examples--would you continue dating someone (persay they told you this at the very BEGINNING) if they had:
-Criminal/prison record--Depends on what it was but it would make me weary.
-Serial cheating--ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!
-Owe back child support--I have had this happen to me so I wouldn't want to date someone that wasn't willing to take care of their responsibilities especially when it comes to their own kids!!!!
-Drug/alcohol addiction (or any kind of addiction)--Unless it's marijuana then no!
-Past containing physical/verbal/mental abuse either towards another person OR if these things have happend to them--If they inflicted the abuse that is a total deal breaker for me. I have always said if any man lays a hand on me they will never get a chance to do it again! Now if they were abused I would not hold this against them but I would make sure if they hadn't gone to counseling for it that they would. I think it's important to deal with it so it doesn't crop up in their lives.
-Bankrupcy--People can fall on hard times especially right now so I don't think I would not date someone b/c of this unless I saw unhealthy patterns in their finances.

I would not date a man with kids by a whole bunch of women either. I have friends that have done this and one that married one and she has drama from the women and the children as well as the finances b/c he has to pay so much child support out!

"Drug/alcohol addiction (or any kind of addiction)--Unless it's marijuana then no!"

I personally think marijuana is one of the worst addictions to have! Marijuana isnt physically addictive so people who get addicted to it are weak people. My ex had a heroin addiction before i met him which he hadnt touched for 6 years but had replaced it for weed. I asked him to CUT DOWN, not stop to save our relationship and he couldnt do it, even though he is still in love with me and we were supposed to be getting married, he chose the weed! I would never go out with a weed smoker again.

I did used to smoke it myself but didnt like what it did to me so im not getting up on my moral high horse lol I have just seen a lot of relationships ruined by weed.

@Arch: Oh it is very well possible for someone to come from the worst of background(s) & yet rise above it all as they mature & become adults. Hell, some people have risen so above their horrible pasts, the average person primarily getting to know them might not even be able to tell.

The difference though is that my question in this post was geared more towards finding out a person had an abusive past from the very beginning when 1st meeting them. Would you take that risk? Sure, after time & after thorougly getting to know someone, each person can pretty much tell how far that person has come/how the abuse has affected them. BUT the keyword though was LATER ON. There's really no way to tell if a person allowed their abusive background to ruin/control/or even change their life for the better UNTIL you truly get to know them. Things are diff. though when you hear about such a background w/o even really knowing that person yet. The only way to tell how someone's past has affected them IS to get to know them.

And just like there are plenty of people who take their past & let it motivate them to rise above it all, the reality though is that there are JUST AS MANY people who become products of their pasts/imitate their own pasts. So for the woman whose on her 1st date with a guy when he mentioned that he was persay sexually abused (example), would you as that woman take the risk of finding out whether or not his past has affected him? If you take the risk & it backfires on you, holy shxT! And if you give that person a chance to show you how much they've made it a point NOT to resemble anything in their past, good for them! BUT, it's tricky though b/c the only way you'll know those answers is to take that RISK & find out.

Depending on the extent of the abuse determines how high the risk factor is. Me, personally I wouldn't want to take that risk from the very beginning.

I think its always nice to think you wouldnt be judgemental in these types of situation but many people (myself included) when faced with it would be.

I know people can change but to me an aggressive person is always an aggressive person and if they are not striking out physically it will manifest in other ways.

Also to me an addict is always an addict, they will just find something new to become addicted to.

With a Criminal record I would like to hear their side of the story. I have a criminal record, but i took the blame for a friend to save her going to prison as she had kids, but many people would be and have been quick to judge me for having a mark against my name.

Also what about someone who had been cleared of being a rapist/peodophile?? I always feel sorry for these people because even though they did not do the crime he stigma always seems to stay with them.