How long is TOO long?

All these relationship counselors & books advise people to take lots of time to get to know their partners before making any commitments, especially marriage. And this is something I completely agree with.

BUT

There are always the couples that have been together for 20 yrs (example) & yet have never tied the not. Now I'm not talking about the people/couples who don't believe in/see all the hype in marriage. I'm talking about 2 people who very much so agree on the aspect of marriage.

How long is TOO long to be with someone before getting suspicious or walking away persay marriage is never proposed? And this same question also goes for those who spend years with someone they are not even technically in a relationship with (We've all heard of the "friends with benefits" thing where 2 people vow to do everything for eachother BUT commit). How long is TOO long to wait, before finally pulling the plug?

5 years?
10 years?

Just curious

It all comes down to how long is a piece of string— Everyone is different and no two will be completely the same.

From a more personal perspective...if I was looking at living with someone then I'd feel that I would want a contractual agreement first...and in saying that second time around I will want to really get to know the person properly and I think a matter of at least 2 years to overcome the blinders of the honeymoon faze where everything they say and do is perfect!

@Sweet: Good point. Personally, I wouldn't agree to move in with someone (no matter how much in love I was) unless the idea of marriage was proposed beforehand. Idk, it almost seems more acceptable for 2 couples who are engaged take longer to tie the knot vs. 2 couples who can't seem to even move past the relationship stage.

If I was engaged, I'd want the marriage to occur w/in (AT LEAST) 3-4 years. And if I was in a regular relationship, I'd expect for marriage to be proposed w/in atleast 5 years. Hell, I'm not getting any younger. If a person wants kids, I believe they should have them ONCE they're married OR atleast (keyword) engaged. Thus is I was with someone for 15 years but yet marriage has never been proposed, me & my partner would have to have a SERIOUS talk.

Since I'm pro-marriage, I can't see myself continuing to remain in a relationship with someone who doesn't see marriage as important, no different than it's important to me that my partner is atleast religious and/or have a similar spiritual background as me. No different than how important it is to make sure that if you want kids in the future, make sure you're with someone who also wants the same. Marriage, children, careers, etc. are MAJOR deal-breaking discussions in alot of relationships & although I can agree to/understand each couple will have their differences, there are just SOME things we'd HAVE to agree on and/or atleast be on the same page with. And marriage is one of them. I guess that is why having these discussions early on is very important.

A family friend of ours has been in a relationship with her man for over 24 years, BUT they're not married. They have 2 kids together & live together. See, that's a problem. The man DOES believe in marriage, it's just that he's too scared. Problem is, the state they live in recognizes this as "COMMON LAW MARRIAGE" so everything he might fear that comes with the territory of marriage is irrelevant, considering if they break up, some of the same rules apply since they've been together so long. They need to have a SERIOUS conversation before they continue making more kids and/or adding JOINT accounts together.

Everyone has their own view point on whether marriage is important to them or not, me I believe in Marriage it's not just a piece of paper as alot of people say. My own children even though they have had realtionships have in their minds that they will one day have a husband so I guess they will eventually find someone with the same belief and I have said to one daughter that lived with her partner for a period, why buy the cow if the milk comes free...sad but true in a lot of cases, she really wanted him to marry her. It didnt work and now she has a firm religious belief on waiting til she is married. (not because of my imput)

What i guess I'm getting at is that whatever values people pick up on comes early on in life...given if they fall in love with someone and cant get that commitment I have seen where they try to give in to the living together in the hope that one day they will get the ring...seen it a number of times but alot of the time it's through persistant hints everytime a birthday or special day arises. Sometimes the other gives in, hence the long engagement or the permanent engagement because it shuts the other up!

Have you ever seen or witnessed a couple that was together for years and years and then finally decided to tye the knot and within the first year or so of marriage split up— ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Then there is the other that never want to get married for whatever reasons so they choose to live and set up their lives and live together happily...

In hindsight, definietly work out whether you are the marrying kind or not BUT in reality there are so many other issues with new love it's not something that people care to persist with or willing to make a deal about as long as they have the one they love somehow right now!

@Sweethearts: Very true. People never like hearing the "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" line BUT it's true. Look around. Example of this being true are everywhere. And hey, it's not even to say that the people who live by this creed are trying to deceive their partners or take the easy way out; no it's simply that the longer someone is getting everything they need with as LITTLE committment required as possible, people would naturally PREFER to keep getting their needs met with as little giveback as possible. That's just human nature. It's not just like this in relationships; it's like this in all areas of life. If a person was told they'd be getting paid 1 Million to be a mechanic, do you think they'd complain even though they probably aren't doing 1 Million dollars worth of work? No, that person would continue to live the high life until someone else spoke up & changed that dynamic.

Plus, not every couple agrees with marriage. Either way, that's why it's important for couples to have this "Talk" early on so that they won't find themselves questioning the relationship years down the road when they realize, wait a minute, we're still not married! Alot of people acquire their opinions/feelings about marriage very early on in their lives; the average person, if asked will be honest about their viewpoint/order of importance in regards to marriage.

And hey, if a woman/man whose all for marriage after persay 5 years of being together (for example) they need to make sure their partner is atleast on the same page. But some people like playing "house" before the marriage is proposed & I think this is a mistake. When couples do this, there's a BIG chance that 1 or both people will acquire the "Don't fix what's not broken" attitude. So many women are just literally "waiting" for that ring to be placed on her finger & the problem though is that she might be waiting for a long time if she hasn't discussed with her partner what she's NOT willing to invest in unless a marriage was proposed. People like to take those risks.

No I'm not moving into a house & having children with my partner unless we are on the same page about getting married 1st. I'm not going to "play house" with someone & get myself into things too hard to get out of, only to find out that after all, my partner was a little too afraid of the ultimate commitment (marriage)! Oh no, my partner will know UP FRONT that I will not be playing house unless we are married

Look around at the boards and it's evident that people are hanging out or dating or whatever for periods of 6 months and a year and still coming on here not sure of whether they are in a commited relationship or not!!!! Baffles the heck out of me Krys but maybe that is the sign of the times...some folk cant even get a solid gf/bf commitment let alone start talking about marriage and if it is on the agenda.

Personally i put it down to how easy it is to get someone in the sack, there is soooo much choice and unless someone actually strikes you as that special someone that does it for you pushing to have the talk if you like is the scariest thing to someone people!

Posted by LovelyScorp
I would be curious to see how much aqua or sag were in the charts of couples that stayed together years without getting married.

HEY! :pppp I'm a Sag! And I do see myself getting married. I've even decided on a bunch of wedding things. All I need is a boyfriend and I'm set lol
hehe ^_^ but then again your post makes sence.


I'm young and can't stand the idea of settling. Maybe because of the culture I grew up it. I used to see marriage as a form of prison. But then I realized my rights growing up and thanked god I'm in America where I can get support as a woman. A young woman. I'm only 19 so... but there are things I do want, all in certain time though. Being young I'm not worried about finding someone that wants marriage, though I can't see myself with someone who's not serious about me. I say if I met a nice boy while still 19 (soon to be 20 - I'm getting old! :/) I'd take my sweet ass time. 5 years if not more. I compare relationships with my relationship with my best friend. Friends for about 7 years now and you know, we've changed from the first few years of friendship. I love her, but... we're taking different paths you know. And I feel like untill I get to that point in my life where it's time to make life-long decitions and be clear about what I truely want, I wont be able to have serious thoughts about marriage, which I consider a life-long decition.
My mother, and her mother, were both married young. You know, things were different back then and there. My mom was already holding my older brother as a new born at the age I am at this moment. And both of them have gone threw divorces and ended up raising kids alone. My fathers side too. My parents, AND THEIR parents. So... just knowing I'm the third generation of divorced couples I want to NOT make the same mistakes by making my life ONLY about marriage then actually about who and what I want when the time is RIGHT.

@Sweet: I agree. It's very natural for anyone to sort of fear the ultimate commitment or commitment in general; almost everyone I know hates failure, & especially the failure of something that deals with matters of the heart--love. And it's true that some people get very uncomfortable when the topic of transitioning to the next level of love is brought up. I think it's all about the timing.

Where I come from, I won't ever assume a man is claiming he as his girlfriend until he actually tells me so himself. HEll, any man can buy you a house, a car, spend 24 hours a day with you & tell you a whole bunch of sweet things in your ear. That doesn't mean shxt! Hell, pimps do these types of things for their prostitutes! I'm old-school. And if anything, just for territorial reasons alone, most men I know will purposely make it a point to offically take claim of the woman they love (as boyfriend/girlfriend), if anything so that others will know to back off & know their limits.

If the person I love loves me ohhh so much then hell, at SOME point in time, they're going to have to man up & be willing/open to discussin gsomething that should, after all be a given. It's only natural that if 2 people keep progressing that the level of commitment they hold towards eachother rises too. If the level of commitment stays the same while yet you are giving more & more of who you are to that person (time, energy, body, etc.), THAT is the problem. It's all about delivery. And if a man, after a long period of time looks at me crazy when I bring up such an obvious topic then that hesitation will tell me alot!

I can love a man all day long BUT if my man isn't willing to allow things to naturally progress AND happily claim that progress, then we have a MAJOR problem!

I understand where you are coming from as I feel the same way...However what happens when you have invested all this time and energy with someone as bf/gf (not living together) but sharing years and it's just not progressing and you're wanting it to! You're in love and he is too but he cant commit and say for instance hypothetically he led you to beieve one day maybe— What then apart from laying down an ultimatum you are in a position as alot of people are with someone that doesnt want to give it all...