Working to be the best

I am a typical Gemini working to be the best husband I can be. I am married to a fantastic Leo whom I love with all of my heart. Last year I had a nervous breakdown and thusly caused my wife a significant amount of pain and suffering, by not trusting her enough to fully let all of my worries and paranoias go and trust her completely with my heart and life. I have never cheated on my wife, nor will I ever and just want to make up for hurting her last year.

She has forgiven me, for the most part, but I can tell that she still hurts at times, as she doesn't fully understand the problems that I dealt with in the past that led me to this breakdown. Now that I have been through this process, I completely trust my wife, a trait I wish I had been able to posses prior to my breakdown.

Does anyone know what I can do in the long term to be able to mend her heart and build the trust back in me?

Any help is greatly appreciated as this woman means the world to me and I want to be the best husband I can be.

maybe try counseling. it can give you both a way to express how you feel in a controlled environment.

Communication is key. She must feel heart that you were unable to confide in her her, your for better or worse, partner.

Be open with her about everything in your life. It takes time and dedication./..but you seem to have both and are willing. I think you two will be fine.

Good luck.

Thank you Lady M. This is truly the love of my life and I hurt more for hurting her than for the pain caused to me that was the impetus for my faculties failing me. I have never wanted another woman and although I confided in another woman during this period of time, this woman was more man than woman, if you know what I mean? Not meant to be an insult, rather a tom-boy friend type who later I found out had alternate motivations for her friendship.

In any event, it is imperative that I prove to my wife that she is and always have been my one and only love, that I am dedicated to her forever, and dedicated to putting her first forever.

Sadly, it's like I almost needed this painful time to learn to put my full faith and trust in my wife and I have to say, it has been 1 1/2 years since this event occurred and although we still have work to do (I'm reminded that every relationship is work til the end), I feel we are moving in the right direction.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply to my post.

Gem...

What exactly happened? I know you didn't confide in her but it is apparent that more happened than just not opening up to her...Did she find out you were confiding in this other woman?

I ask, because in order for me to give you the best advice, I need to get a clearer picture...

Thanks Angel. I have to consider how much more information I can share and be respectful to my wife.

Thanks for your help.

"Sadly, it's like I almost needed this painful time to learn to put my full faith and trust in my wife and I have to say, it has been 1 1/2 years since this event occurred and although we still have work to do (I'm reminded that every relationship is work til the end), I feel we are moving in the right direction."


newgemini .. my words tend to come off harsh at times, and you don't know me, so I will just have to trust that you'll understand that I say these things for you, not against you.

A year and a half?
What do you mean by you are still reminded of this event?
Do you mean that after a year and a half, she continues to remind you that you screwed up?

That's an insane amount of time to still have to be proving yourself to another person, don't you think? Listen to your tone, judging by your choice of words .. it appears as though you are scrambling, desperate to find any way to get redemption (until the end). Are these words she is saying to you?

Trying to make you feel guilty until the very end?

It's a year and a half .. that's a long time, friend.

Think about it 🙂

Wow ! I have to say there are a lot of insightful and caring spirits in here. Your advice means the world to me because this woman is my soul mate. We are friends, lovers, confidants, and soul-mates. My problem is I feel so bad because I did not have control of my faculties and hurt her. I was also dishonest and as someone mentioned, had an "emotional affair" because I did not confide in my wife.
As you might imagine there are a lot of details and I want to be careful and relay the events as they occurred instead of as I remember them, as I feel I was so completely void of the ability to think cognitively, that I may mislead the support in this forum.
In short, I lost a company. A company that my wife and I borrowed 100K on our home to build. We knew it was a gamble, we took it and lost. In short, a hostile takeover occurred, she needed me to have a stable income to help float a start-up she was starting, and I THOUGHT the entire world was coming down around and I had no control and no one to turn to and was sure she would leave me. I fled, emotionally and physically and went to Spain. I wanted to get far away, a gal at work, who was a Tom-Boy type whom I had rode mountain bikes with a couple of times, said she was going to Spain to visit her mom, so I chose to go also. I lied to my wife and told her that I was not going with this lady. I did not sleep with this lady, nor did I even stay in the same hotel with her. She at her mother's, me in another part of the city at a hotel. I drank, cried, slept, drank cried, slept for a week. I saw this lady once while in Spain and she made me aware she had ulterior motives for helping me. I was enraged and wrote my wife a postcard to ask why she couldn't love me. Upon coming back to the states I begged for my wife's forgiveness, had a couple therapy sessions and now am reading and practicing self-introspective analysis regularly.
There are many more details and I will provide as asked and as I have the emotion strength and time to do so.
Many excuses, mother dying, father abandoning me, hard childhood, etc. However, I want to take control of my decisions, period, and leave old emotional baggage behind. Ultimately, all I want is the opportunity to prove myself to my wife til the end of my days. As I have told her, I want to walk into the sunset of life holding hands. We have been together for 10 years and not once did I ever do 1 single thing that was inappropriate, nor have I since, and nor will

It remains unclear to me here, whether what we are talking about is your wife feeling as though you have to prove yourself to her, or if it's you feeling as though you haven't sufficiently proven yourself to her.

If she has forgiven you .. then I'm not sure why you are having difficulty finding release within yourself.

What keeps lingering in my mind is this, quote, "all I want is the opportunity to prove myself to my wife" .. which leads me to believe that after a year and a half, she is still holding this over your head and not giving in to let you feel as though you can prove yourself to her that you feel bad about what you did.

newgemini .. in no way am I suggesting that what you did was the right thing to do, under ordinary circumstances. However, a nervous breakdown is NOT ordinary circumstances and there has to be some leeway from her and some understanding from her that you were ill. And, it doesn't sound as though this is the case.

Certainly, it's understandable that you love her and want her to be happy, you want both of you to be happy together .. however, when a person becomes "ill" and the other person will not allow any understanding into this .. then that just seems unreasonable to me.

You said, "I want to take control of my decisions, period, and leave old emotional baggage behind." This sounds as though you are stable now and realize that there is emotional baggage to sort through. Perhaps, the first place to start is to get her comprehend that you were sick at the time, and not of sound judgement. I've a feeling that if she allowed you to find release, then you would be ab. This is what is holding you back from finding forgiveness in yourself.

And you have to forgive yourself, before anyone else can. Certainly, you know best about your relationship and what you've mentioned here is only a snippet into the whole scenerio .. however, going off of just what you've stated .. it sounds to me as though the reason why you can't be released from this is because she won't let you. And to take control of your life, means to take control of yourself.

It would be quite impossible to find redemption if she continues to make you feel guilty. I realize that you want to work on this marriage, but, the question in my mind wonders if she wants to work on it, or if she prefers to work on making you feel guilty.

Anyway .. I truly hope you find what you need to help you heal from this and find peace within yourself. 🙂

Thanks Angel. The problem is that I have hurt her and she has to decide whether she can love me, actually let me correct myself, she wants to be "in love" with me. Last night she told me that she's not sure if she can in love with me like she used to and is not sure if we can stay together?

We still sleep in the same bed, we are best friends and I completely understand her feelings. She had a couple of friends do bad things to her in the past, steal money and ruin her credit and she told me that she never forgave them and feels that she is the type of person that cannot forgive, thusly potentially limiting the love she can ever feel for me again.

Of course, it goes without saying that I love her with all of my heart and will NEVER allow myself to get so distraught again that it takes over my rational thinking. She just needs to decide if she can trust me and love me. I am hopeful with time that all wounds will heal and that she will understand that me losing control over thinking that she will leave me, last year, is different from her friends who deliberately abused her trust. She is my love and my life and all I want is a chance to be her life partner.

Hurting REALLY REALLY bad right now. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I can't stop crying and don't want to lose my one true love. I am hopeful she will hang in there for the long haul and see my promise of love, respect, and trust come to fruition.

Perhaps, you might try posting this on the Gem & Leo boards, so you can get some more insight into the Gem male and Leo female, as it pertains to a relationship .. Leo females may be able to better help you with this. And, the male Gem may also be able to guide you.

There's a lot of amazing people in here with some pretty good insight into the various combos, but, most of them stay on their own boards, respectively.

Good Luck to you and I hope you find something to hold onto to give you hope. 🙂

Feeling much better today. Have realized that all I can do is be honest and true in my devotion to my love. If she will believe me that I had shared EVERYTHING with her and that I have been 100% truthful, this will go a long way, I feel.

I know that it is up to her whether she wants to love me and if she does, it will be the greatest gift of all, one which I will cherish, everyday, for the rest of my life.

I feel that we have something VERY special and if it weren't for this one event, although a big event, I feel that our relationship would be as close to perfect as could ever possibly be.

Thanks to everyone. I march ahead confident and cautiously optimistic that we will be able to put all of this behind us and work towards the future of having a loving, trusting, marriage.