R1g0rM0rT1s
@R1g0rM0rT1s
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being the silent type
i would agree with you totally on that apart from the fact that it's a game cos it's really not a game. i don't pull disappearing acts without the other person knowing what's going on for a start. that's just plain unfair. unless i feel there's something i have to apologise for....and i always apologise if i've behaved badly....then i simply will not speak to that person. mostly for self-preservation.
and yeah...most people DO walk away from it which i think is a big reason for doing it too. i don't like to be the one to hurt someone else...i would rather manoeuvre the situation so that THEY did the walking.
men are generally much more cowardly than women and i would imagine they are much more likely to just go *poof* and disappear into silence without notice. i just couldn't do that personally.
and yeah...most people DO walk away from it which i think is a big reason for doing it too. i don't like to be the one to hurt someone else...i would rather manoeuvre the situation so that THEY did the walking.
men are generally much more cowardly than women and i would imagine they are much more likely to just go *poof* and disappear into silence without notice. i just couldn't do that personally.
Posted by CluelessCancer
By the way the people who want to be with you, normally truly don't love you, they just love the illusion of you, they also have cognitive issues that makes them seek individuals like you. They don't want healthy normal relationships. They are very insecure, have low self esteem, and seek validation outside of themselves
(usually the love avoidant).
absolutely! this is why i have never had a healthy normal relationship! i know these things now and i'm working on it. you get back what you put out there. i'll get there eventually 🙂
Posted by CluelessCancer
By the way the people who want to be with you, normally truly don't love you, they just love the illusion of you, they also have cognitive issues that makes them seek individuals like you. They don't want healthy normal relationships. They are very insecure, have low self esteem, and seek validation outside of themselves
(usually the love avoidant).
Is this CluelessCancer? Damn, you have growed up. Great perception on your part.
Posted by R1g0rM0rT1s
and yeah...most people DO walk away from it which i think is a big reason for doing it too. i don't like to be the one to hurt someone else...i would rather manoeuvre the situation so that THEY did the walking.
men are generally much more cowardly than women and i would imagine they are much more likely to just go *poof* and disappear into silence without notice. i just couldn't do that personally.
Maneuver = manipulate
How does that hurt someone less?
Have to say I can't follow what you're point is here. You're saying you disappear for your own benefit, but you don't just go poof like a man who is more cowardly?
How is your manner of disappearing NOT cowardly?
I find your posting this thread offensive.
Posted by R1g0rM0rT1s
i find going silent to be essential sometimes and i guess i wanted to see how others who are like me feel during those silences so that people on the receiving end might understand a bit more cos it can't be very nice. i don't like being ignored either and we all get it sometimes.
personally, i don't think about the person. if they come into my mind there is usually a triggered 'feeling' that i don't want to indulge....ie i don't want to miss them cos it clouds my judgement of the situation. so i force them from my mind.
days merge into weeks and sometimes into months depending on whether i've heard from them in some way in which case i MAY break the silence depending on what they're saying and how it's making me feel. if i don't like how it's making me feel i won't respond and that can be anything from simple confusion to true love lol!
the snag is that it becomes a comfort zone very quickly and so if someone i really like wants to break the silence, they will have to drag me kicking and screaming out of it but ultimately they will KNOW that i absolutely want to be with them.
in other words, i'm very unlikely to break a silence whether i've instigated it or someone else has started it.
I am a scorp and I agree with this 1000% . Actually, I was thinking of posting something like this but more about friendships and not romantic relationships. I guess it can apply to both.
I do this ALOT with friends. I get annoyed or "need my space" from something they did and just do that. I give myself space from that person. Its like I expect them to know WHY i disappeared, and its kind of like a punishment. I have realized that I have a lot to learn about being a friend and it all starts from me. It stems from me being very suspicious of people, and seeing the bad instead of the good. Something I continually work on, but its not easy for me. I have had a lot of 'friends' in the past have a lot of jealously towards me and i think it has tainted the way I see friends.
Just recently I have distanced myself from a female scorp sun/aries moon friend of mine. I love her, but she has a lot of fire in her chart and she can really push my button sometimes. I am pretty sure she may not even realize. Instead of facing it head on, i just disappear bc I hate confrontation. She has tried to contact me, but every time she does i just ignore ignore.
Li
Like you said in your post, I will not break the silence. It takes a certain event, or SOME big realization and waiting for an initiation on the other part for me to. Otherwise, I am way too hard headed and get to a point where I don't even remember having you in my life in the first place. Sounds cold, but what can I say lol (like u said that comfort zone).
If i didnt initiate the space in the first place and seperate myself from that person I would be more annoyed and angry as time went on and things could only get worse. That is the main reason why I think we 'retreat'. To give us time to analyze what happened and at the same time not allow ourself to kill that person or go ham 🙂
If i didnt initiate the space in the first place and seperate myself from that person I would be more annoyed and angry as time went on and things could only get worse. That is the main reason why I think we 'retreat'. To give us time to analyze what happened and at the same time not allow ourself to kill that person or go ham 🙂
a Newday your post reminds of a lot of ppl i know lol at least u recognize it hopefully you will be able to work on it
Posted by seraphPosted by aNEWday
Like you said in your post, I will not break the silence. It takes a certain event, or SOME big realization and waiting for an initiation on the other part for me to. Otherwise, I am way too hard headed and get to a point where I don't even remember having you in my life in the first place. Sounds cold, but what can I say lol (like u said that comfort zone).
If i didnt initiate the space in the first place and seperate myself from that person I would be more annoyed and angry as time went on and things could only get worse. That is the main reason why I think we 'retreat'. To give us time to analyze what happened and at the same time not allow ourself to kill that person or go ham 🙂
None of this is really a problem. Sometimes friendships go through periods of closeness and distance. It comes in waves. The friends who are worth having around will understand, because they've been around you long enough to *know your ways*, and intuitively get the picture. If they don't, and they protest like all hell or react passive-aggressivly in order to lay claim to your attention, re-examine the sort of friendship you have with them. Chances are, there's some unhealthiness there.
Cleave to those that know how to give space without demanding attention. If you don't have friends like that, then keep going through them until you do. They'll be fewer in number, that's almost for certain, but they'll be the ones *really* worth having.
This requires people to be a little more easy-going with each other, and a little more self-sufficient in the emotional dept. Read: less needy. In he long run, this makes for a lot less drama (bad for those who really enjoy drama), but it's far easier on the nerves.click to expand
Actually she is the one who is passive aggressive and sounds like she doesn't tell people how she really feels and than punish them for it and expects them to read her mind.
Posted by seraphPosted by aNEWday
Like you said in your post, I will not break the silence. It takes a certain event, or SOME big realization and waiting for an initiation on the other part for me to. Otherwise, I am way too hard headed and get to a point where I don't even remember having you in my life in the first place. Sounds cold, but what can I say lol (like u said that comfort zone).
If i didnt initiate the space in the first place and seperate myself from that person I would be more annoyed and angry as time went on and things could only get worse. That is the main reason why I think we 'retreat'. To give us time to analyze what happened and at the same time not allow ourself to kill that person or go ham 🙂
None of this is really a problem. Sometimes friendships go through periods of closeness and distance. It comes in waves. The friends who are worth having around will understand, because they've been around you long enough to *know your ways*, and intuitively get the picture. If they don't, and they protest like all hell or react passive-aggressivly in order to lay claim to your attention, re-examine the sort of friendship you have with them. Chances are, there's some unhealthiness there.
Cleave to those that know how to give space without demanding attention. If you don't have friends like that, then keep going through them until you do. They'll be fewer in number, that's almost for certain, but they'll be the ones *really* worth having.
This requires people to be a little more easy-going with each other, and a little more self-sufficient in the emotional dept. Read: less needy. In he long run, this makes for a lot less drama (bad for those who really enjoy drama), but it's far easier on the nerves.click to expand
Thanks for this seraph 🙂. Your words are so very true, and it is why i do have only a small number or friends today. I guess its like that saying you build up walls to see who will break them down. I have learned that those really are the ppl who matter/care.
Posted by Sag89
a Newday your post reminds of a lot of ppl i know lol at least u recognize it hopefully you will be able to work on it
thanks! i hope those are good ppl lol. Yes, I do fully recognize it, but I am fighting being so stubborn. I am also working on speaking up when something is bothering me instead of sweeping things under the rug until its too late
Posted by IntriguedScorp
Hmm. Thank you R1g for being so honest.
I get what you are getting at. If you aren't sure about something talking about it seems fake. The best response, I think, is to just to be honest and state: I have no idea wtf I'm doing. That's real honesty.
Be yourself and if you can't talk about emotions easily. Accept that. We are all our perfect selves based on where we've been. You know--and I'm being serious here--dream interpretation is absolutely one of the best ways to understand your inner thoughts and feelings. I have solved many personal problems analyzing my dreams 🙂
Good luck
i don't like to dream and so i deliberately smoke weed - a known dream surpressant. i only have nightmares....like night terrors.
Posted by BigGirlPantiesPosted by R1g0rM0rT1s
and yeah...most people DO walk away from it which i think is a big reason for doing it too. i don't like to be the one to hurt someone else...i would rather manoeuvre the situation so that THEY did the walking.
men are generally much more cowardly than women and i would imagine they are much more likely to just go *poof* and disappear into silence without notice. i just couldn't do that personally.
Maneuver = manipulate
How does that hurt someone less?
Have to say I can't follow what you're point is here. You're saying you disappear for your own benefit, but you don't just go poof like a man who is more cowardly?
How is your manner of disappearing NOT cowardly?
I find your posting this thread offensive.click to expand
omg! i'm sorry bgp. absolutely no offence was intended. ironically just reading it back before coming to your comment, i did actually think that i'm no less a coward than someone who just leaves.
anyhow. i'm truly sorry.
Posted by seraphPosted by R1g0rM0rT1s
in other words, i'm very unlikely to break a silence whether i've instigated it or someone else has started it.
Then don't break. You'll break it naturally, of your own acord *if and when you want to.* You will always do what's good for you, R1g.
Remember what we talked about. Is this *really* a problem? Or are you looking to make it a problem because you feel obligated to feel a certain way (often due to social norms and peer-pressure), and you'll feel like garbage if you don't? Default to this in your thinking *first*:
https://www.dxpnet.com/opinion/leo/help-me-with-this-mess-3592769/
Posted by seraph
This isn't a Leo man or Cancer man or any other man problem. The problem is that you're forcing on yourself a state of being (being attached to a man) that is, at this time in your life, incongruous with your nature. That is why your commitment to the Cancer man and your commitment to the idea of *having to have* a man is so half-hearted. You're pushing the idea of monogamy on yourself because you feel guilty not to, because you think that is what is expected of you. Because you're afraid to disappoint the estimation you have of yourself (that you have adopted from others.)
Notice where you strongest commitments are:
Your children
Your career
The stability that comes from making your own decisions in light of only you and the two things above.
Your "single-life chaos" is, for now, the single most stabilizing and nourishing situation in your life. I'm not sure who told you or made you think that it wasn't ok to accept it, but accepting it - which means accepting YOURSELF - is the real order of the day, and not conformity to some state of affairs that others have made you *want to think* you should have. Because acting against your nature will only cause you to vacillate between what is authentically you and what is the idea you think you should have of yourself.
click to expand
seraph, i wasn't posting this in a 'woe is me' kinda way at all. yet again, i was just opening a discussion with no reference to any particular situation i'm currently in. it's just that dxp is littered with people disappearing into silence...more so than the view of someone who
Posted by ellessque
I might be misreading rigs post, and if so, I will digress.
But, I thought she was trying to explain why MEN disappear and relating that to her own experience.
Basically concluding, people disappear because they DO NOT have an answer when there is pressure put on them.
Also adding that men may be more "cowardly" (probably not the best word...but that's irrelevant) and women putting that kind of pressure on men would make them disappear because the woman doesn't even know what she really wants so the man wouldn't BE ABLE to answer.
omg thank you elle!! you 'got' it.
My disappearance go along the lines of what Intrigued and Ellesque explained. I go silent when I don't have an answer to provide.
My humble two cents on the matter:
I generally only go silent after I've been boxed in, the situation has become like checkmate in chess, or just flat out toxic. It's a last resort, and usually after many sleepless nights and coming to the conclusion that I've put way too much of myself into a situation and it's begun to eat into my self-respect and dignity. That means, I've thrown every thing I've got into holding on to the relationship and just don't have anything left. I suppose it's more like an amputation.
If it wasn't something serious, it's generally because I liked her as a person, and not as a woman. That, and I've defined the relationship and she's just not taking a hint. I suppose that is cowardice. I normally don't enjoy telling someone I like to fuck off.
Scorp Sun, Aries Moon, Gemini Rising: Your actual mileage may vary.
I generally only go silent after I've been boxed in, the situation has become like checkmate in chess, or just flat out toxic. It's a last resort, and usually after many sleepless nights and coming to the conclusion that I've put way too much of myself into a situation and it's begun to eat into my self-respect and dignity. That means, I've thrown every thing I've got into holding on to the relationship and just don't have anything left. I suppose it's more like an amputation.
If it wasn't something serious, it's generally because I liked her as a person, and not as a woman. That, and I've defined the relationship and she's just not taking a hint. I suppose that is cowardice. I normally don't enjoy telling someone I like to fuck off.
Scorp Sun, Aries Moon, Gemini Rising: Your actual mileage may vary.
thank you gentlemen. this was the point of the thread 🙂
Hey Rox, remember the thread we had here a while back "The Silent Treatment" and in the thread it asked if it was "abusive"? You at least state that you let the person know when you are going into the mode (silent) prior to do so. I've done that too out of respect for the other person.
Anyone who does this intentionally without giving their significant other the courtesy of letting them know or anything short of that is considered emotionally abusive. Anyone that sticks with a person that does this to them lacks self respect. Anyone that stays with a person out of pity lacks self respect. By staying with that person it teaches them their negative behavior is ok. No in betweens. If you stick around with someone like that, take the responsibility for that choice. Or change it. What we see a lot here (threads) are the game players. They want to punish their significant other for whatever reason (instead of dealing with it), and disappear/go silent. Big red flag to walk.
The other biggie is (I should say huge issue) is, the poster comes here, tells us repeatedly their significant other has disappeared or gone silent and they remain with that person when it's done repeatedly. WHY? I just don't get that at all. Love has nothing to with it. Self respect does.
Anyone who does this intentionally without giving their significant other the courtesy of letting them know or anything short of that is considered emotionally abusive. Anyone that sticks with a person that does this to them lacks self respect. Anyone that stays with a person out of pity lacks self respect. By staying with that person it teaches them their negative behavior is ok. No in betweens. If you stick around with someone like that, take the responsibility for that choice. Or change it. What we see a lot here (threads) are the game players. They want to punish their significant other for whatever reason (instead of dealing with it), and disappear/go silent. Big red flag to walk.
The other biggie is (I should say huge issue) is, the poster comes here, tells us repeatedly their significant other has disappeared or gone silent and they remain with that person when it's done repeatedly. WHY? I just don't get that at all. Love has nothing to with it. Self respect does.
oops.."prior to do so" should be prior to doing so
i think it depends how long you've been together before one party buggers off as to if it could be considered abuse or not.
my leo friend is married to a leo who has frequently disappeared to his native morocco through their 10 year marriage. sometimes he's gone for months. she excuses alot of it with his culture and always takes him back. that's her wish i guess but when he fucks off, he's off doing whatever he likes while she wonders where he's gone and how she's gonna pay the bills on her own.
that's no way to live is it.
whatever the reason, a disappearing act is a selfish act and the disappearer is spared witnessing the pain they've caused so they can remain oblivious to it.
my leo friend is married to a leo who has frequently disappeared to his native morocco through their 10 year marriage. sometimes he's gone for months. she excuses alot of it with his culture and always takes him back. that's her wish i guess but when he fucks off, he's off doing whatever he likes while she wonders where he's gone and how she's gonna pay the bills on her own.
that's no way to live is it.
whatever the reason, a disappearing act is a selfish act and the disappearer is spared witnessing the pain they've caused so they can remain oblivious to it.
"i think it depends how long you've been together before one party buggers off as to if it could be considered abuse or not."
Well, it would matter to me either way. A disappearing act with no heads up is a reflection of who the person is, and what you can expect down the road. I'm a very considerate person, and just couldn't do this to someone. There's no 3 strike rule here, you do it once to me, don't expect to find me when you return. (exception would be a serious emergency of course, even then a quck few second text covers that base when able to). Communication is a good thing. Technology today allows for that. No excuses.
Well, it would matter to me either way. A disappearing act with no heads up is a reflection of who the person is, and what you can expect down the road. I'm a very considerate person, and just couldn't do this to someone. There's no 3 strike rule here, you do it once to me, don't expect to find me when you return. (exception would be a serious emergency of course, even then a quck few second text covers that base when able to). Communication is a good thing. Technology today allows for that. No excuses.
Posted by LetltB
"i think it depends how long you've been together before one party buggers off as to if it could be considered abuse or not."
Well, it would matter to me either way. A disappearing act with no heads up is a reflection of who the person is, and what you can expect down the road. I'm a very considerate person, and just couldn't do this to someone. There's no 3 strike rule here, you do it once to me, don't expect to find me when you return. (exception would be a serious emergency of course, even then a quck few second text covers that base when able to). Communication is a good thing. Technology today allows for that. No excuses.
yeah i would feel the same tbh. i always go out of my way to say what's up and if i do disappear there's a known reason for it and i don't leave anyone in the dark.
sometimes it can be just as hurtful if someone doesn't come after you. like if you've gone silent after a bust up and you know you're not the one in the wrong. i'm in this situation at the moment with the crab and to me, his lack of contact just confirms that he still thinks he has nothing to apologise for.
and while that situation remains, we have nothing to talk about. of course scorpio's a fixed sign and so we can be stubborn beasts sometimes.
Posted by IntriguedScorp
Hmm. Thank you R1g for being so honest.
I get what you are getting at. If you aren't sure about something talking about it seems fake. The best response, I think, is to just to be honest and state: I have no idea wtf I'm doing. That's real honesty.
Be yourself and if you can't talk about emotions easily. Accept that. We are all our perfect selves based on where we've been.
^^^ 1+,now that I understand Venus in Libra pretty well🙂
Posted by ellessquePosted by seraph
None of this is really a problem. Sometimes friendships go through periods of closeness and distance. It comes in waves. The friends who are worth having around will understand, because they've been around you long enough to *know your ways*, and intuitively get the picture. If they don't, and they protest like all hell or react passive-aggressivly in order to lay claim to your attention, re-examine the sort of friendship you have with them. Chances are, there's some unhealthiness there.
Cleave to those that know how to give space without demanding attention. If you don't have friends like that, then keep going through them until you do. They'll be fewer in number, that's almost for certain, but they'll be the ones *really* worth having.
This requires people to be a little more easy-going with each other, and a little more self-sufficient in the emotional dept. Read: less needy. In he long run, this makes for a lot less drama (bad for those who really enjoy drama), but it's far easier on the nerves.click to expand
^^^1+
Posted by CluelessCancer
By the way the people who want to be with you, normally truly don't love you, they just love the illusion of you, they also have cognitive issues that makes them seek individuals like you. They don't want healthy normal relationships. They are very insecure, have low self esteem, and seek validation outside of themselves
(usually the love avoidant).
^^^ Is this based on your personal experience CC?
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i find going silent to be essential sometimes and i guess i wanted to see how others who are like me feel during those silences so that people on the receiving end might understand a bit more cos it can't be very nice. i don't like being ignored either and we all get it sometimes.
personally, i don't think about the person. if they come into my mind there is usually a triggered 'feeling' that i don't want to indulge....ie i don't want to miss them cos it clouds my judgement of the situation. so i force them from my mind.
i then get into something else. something that i'm passionate about and my passions are always borderline obsessive anyway (usually work) and so i get myself into a mindset where there simply isn't the room to process thoughts about the person i'm avoiding.
days merge into weeks and sometimes into months depending on whether i've heard from them in some way in which case i MAY break the silence depending on what they're saying and how it's making me feel. if i don't like how it's making me feel i won't respond and that can be anything from simple confusion to true love lol!
the snag is that it becomes a comfort zone very quickly and so if someone i really like wants to break the silence, they will have to drag me kicking and screaming out of it but ultimately they will KNOW that i absolutely want to be with them.
in other words, i'm very unlikely to break a silence whether i've instigated it or someone else has started it.
scorp sun, libra moon, libra venus, scorp merc and a dreaded virgo rising.