not sure what to do about her

lol woopssss. sorry i don't know how to edit it either =x

A girl ive been talking too for awhile & have been hooking up with has recently gotten back together with an ex that has physically & emotionally abused her (bruises, restraininng orders etc). I was there for her as a friend when going through the breakup and basically thought she was a great person, gorgeous and deserved better, I am extremely attracted to her and she said that was mutual, but I also didnt want any type of relationship with her because I didnt think that was a good idea at all considering all she just went through, she needed time to heal. I brought the idea of therapy up because I could tell she was traumatized. Whenever id compliment her she'd never believe i was being truthful, she had no love or respect for herself. I dont think this girl has ever had a real loving relationship, she told me its just been abuse after abuse (cheated on, abused etc)

She said she lost herself when she was with the ex & that I gave her the motivation to keep moving forward & get her life back in order. She was finally making progress on loving herself again, getting a job, working out, making amends with friends and family that she was isolated from. She was doing very well & We just clicked so well together and always had fun, she said she has never laughed so much with anyone else (she has also brought up several times the idea of us dating) Ive always just rejected the idea because I know getting over a relationship like that would take a lot of time.

The problem is this girl is drop dead gorgeous and i couldn't hold back from hooking up with her when we would hang out alone. She would always initiate it and every single time it had been HOT & INTENSE!..but me being a cancer has caught some feelings. =/ so i began to step back because i kept getting the vibe it was a terrible idea & id end up hurt for sure. We did get super close but that has changed now, her ex is starting to isolate her from her family & friends again.

I heard through the grapevine that she just recently got back together with the douche bag & this was all confirmed on her facebook, so she definitely knows that i know. I havent spoke to her for about 2.5 weeks, she got back together with the ex this past week. I feel it isn't my place nor my business to say anything although it does hurt me since i was there for her before for all the tears and court etc etc. This whole situation is VERY draining on me but I am very worried for her, i don't want her to get hurt again bc

Posted by IntriguedScorp
Copy your last post, paste into a new replay field and then hit enter in between the areas you want to turn into paragraphs. Also, if you have a specific question--that helps too. 🙂

Hopefully thats easier on the eyes hehe 🙂

the last part got cut off:

i don't want her to get hurt again bc this person is very dangerous (has beaten her up in the street etc) but at same time i dont want to get involved.

She has started calling me lately mostly very late at night but i've been ignoring the calls. I feel like i should talk to her to see how everything is going but at the same time i feel like im being manipulated or used as an emotional crutch. Idk what to make of this or do about it. Anyone have experience with this or have been in an abusive relationship before? I'm not sure what to do, Should i just completely let this one go for good.

Yes. Share your feelings about her being in an unsafe relationship and then drop it and her. Move on. Don't get into this whole emotional crutch thing--because honestly, you set that type of relationship up. If she asks why you say so, give her clear cut examples as to why, then drop it and drop her.

Posted by PhoenixRising
Yes. Share your feelings about her being in an unsafe relationship and then drop it and her. Move on. Don't get into this whole emotional crutch thing--because honestly, you set that type of relationship up. If she asks why you say so, give her clear cut examples as to why, then drop it and drop her.

Thank you for your input. I am going to continue to stay away and let it go

Posted by ellessque
I agree with Phoenix, you have to let her go and figure out her own mess. abusive relationships are extremely emotionally crippling.....not to mention manipulative.

She also has the potential of mirroring her abuser when in the middle of the situation...don't be her victim.

Let her heal on her own time. it may take something tragic to shake her to her senses. don't be the enabler. she's not healthy right now.

Thank you ellessque! Yeah you're absolutely right, she needs to deal with this on her own & come to the conclusion on her own that its not healthy & she deserves better. That whole mirroring possibility sounds scary =x.. I would think being beaten would be enough but i guess not. What do you mean by don't be the enabler? How would I be enabling her? You're right she isn't healthy, she needs therapy or something. =/

Posted by ellessque
if you try too hard to help her you are enabling her to continue the cycle of abuse. Domestic violence isn't only about the abuser, it has a lot to do with the person being abused and allowing that to happen to them.

there is alot of healing that needs to happen if and when (and she will eventually) she leaves. Unfortunately, she has to do it on her own. She has to figure out what's inside her that allows others to treat her that way.

If you coddle her and are always there, she will gain no clarity whatsoever. It sucks (I've been there) when nobody is around to help because you keep hurling yourself back into the situation...but it's a necessary evil to get you where you need to be....a healthy, happy place. A place where you finally love yourself enough to know better.

Ohh i've never thought about it in that way before! I guess you can only help to a certain extent in these cases. It just sucks because I think oh im helping her but in fact im not =/. Im not trying to be a therapist haha I just care about her life lol. I'm sorry you've had to go through that but i'm sure it has made you stronger today. I haven't spoken to her at all since this reunion with the ex..do you think when she contacts me again I should let her know i'm not going to be around or just continue to keep silent & "exit" without saying anything. I feel my silence so far probably speaks enough.

Posted by ellessque
if you try too hard to help her you are enabling her to continue the cycle of abuse. Domestic violence isn't only about the abuser, it has a lot to do with the person being abused and allowing that to happen to them.

there is alot of healing that needs to happen if and when (and she will eventually) she leaves. Unfortunately, she has to do it on her own. She has to figure out what's inside her that allows others to treat her that way.

If you coddle her and are always there, she will gain no clarity whatsoever. It sucks (I've been there) when nobody is around to help because you keep hurling yourself back into the situation...but it's a necessary evil to get you where you need to be....a healthy, happy place. A place where you finally love yourself enough to know better.

Exactly.

Posted by Moongirl718

Posted by ellessque
if you try too hard to help her you are enabling her to continue the cycle of abuse. Domestic violence isn't only about the abuser, it has a lot to do with the person being abused and allowing that to happen to them.

there is alot of healing that needs to happen if and when (and she will eventually) she leaves. Unfortunately, she has to do it on her own. She has to figure out what's inside her that allows others to treat her that way.

If you coddle her and are always there, she will gain no clarity whatsoever. It sucks (I've been there) when nobody is around to help because you keep hurling yourself back into the situation...but it's a necessary evil to get you where you need to be....a healthy, happy place. A place where you finally love yourself enough to know better.

Ohh i've never thought about it in that way before! I guess you can only help to a certain extent in these cases. It just sucks because I think oh im helping her but in fact im not =/. Im not trying to be a therapist haha I just care about her life lol. I'm sorry you've had to go through that but i'm sure it has made you stronger today. I haven't spoken to her at all since this reunion with the ex..do you think when she contacts me again I should let her know i'm not going to be around or just continue to keep silent & "exit" without saying anything. I feel my silence so far probably speaks enough.

click to expand

It's really up to you. I personally think that mature thing would be to simply tell her what's up. You care for her safety and hope she leaves the relationship, but until then you can't be caught up into this situation. Nothing more needs to be shared. Also, don't let her lays a guilt trip on you about you not being a good friend because you're going your own way. I sense it will come if you take that route.

I think she is reaching out for help. If she had any self esteem or be in a good place she would not be in that situation. She is obviously stuck in a rut and that can end very badly if he hits her. Don't wait until something really bad or that she is too damaged and traumatized for life. I dunno how close you two are, but if you are that close just book a session for her at a therapeut and make sure she goes. Talking sometimes isn't helpful. It needs to be the right type of talking and only a professional or a very experienced person can provide that. Find some peace for yourself too. You helped in your best way and the best of interests. If you don't give up on her, try to help her now the way she needs.

Posted by PhoenixRising

Posted by Moongirl718

Posted by ellessque
if you try too hard to help her you are enabling her to continue the cycle of abuse. Domestic violence isn't only about the abuser, it has a lot to do with the person being abused and allowing that to happen to them.

there is alot of healing that needs to happen if and when (and she will eventually) she leaves. Unfortunately, she has to do it on her own. She has to figure out what's inside her that allows others to treat her that way.

If you coddle her and are always there, she will gain no clarity whatsoever. It sucks (I've been there) when nobody is around to help because you keep hurling yourself back into the situation...but it's a necessary evil to get you where you need to be....a healthy, happy place. A place where you finally love yourself enough to know better.

Ohh i've never thought about it in that way before! I guess you can only help to a certain extent in these cases. It just sucks because I think oh im helping her but in fact im not =/. Im not trying to be a therapist haha I just care about her life lol. I'm sorry you've had to go through that but i'm sure it has made you stronger today. I haven't spoken to her at all since this reunion with the ex..do you think when she contacts me again I should let her know i'm not going to be around or just continue to keep silent & "exit" without saying anything. I feel my silence so far probably speaks enough.

It's really up to you. I personally think that mature thing would be to simply tell her what's up. You care for her safety and hope she leaves the relationship, but until then you can't be caught up into this situation. Nothing more needs to be shared. Also, don't let her lays a guilt trip on you about you not being a good friend because you're going your own way. I sense it will come if you take that route.

click to expand

Yeah i agree with you, i think she will totally act clueless as to why I don't want to be caught up in the situation.

Posted by Demeter
I think she is reaching out for help. If she had any self esteem or be in a good place she would not be in that situation. She is obviously stuck in a rut and that can end very badly if he hits her. Don't wait until something really bad or that she is too damaged and traumatized for life. I dunno how close you two are, but if you are that close just book a session for her at a therapeut and make sure she goes. Talking sometimes isn't helpful. It needs to be the right type of talking and only a professional or a very experienced person can provide that. Find some peace for yourself too. You helped in your best way and the best of interests. If you don't give up on her, try to help her now the way she needs.

I hear you, I tried to get her to go to therapy before but I can't do what she won't do for herself. I understand she needs professional help but she doesn't see it that way..She is not mentally healthy. I was told abusive relationships are addicting especially for those who have only been in these types of relationships. I honestly don't think anything her family friends or I say will make a difference i think it actually makes it worse because Abusers have a way to make it seem like the whole world is against both of them and use this as a way to isolate there victims from everyone. The ex is very manipulative & charming but I know once this "honeymoon" settles down she'll see it for what it is again and stand up for herself again, or at least i hope so for her sake. Im not by any means giving up on her, however, this is something she has to come to terms with on her own & i understand that now. Thanks everyone for the advice i appreciate it.

She will likely continue to reach out to you as a source of comfort. If you can accept and handle that roll, try to be a friend to her. BUT...you must understand she will likely become an "energy vampire" and become needy. She doesnt yet realize how destructive her relationship is.

Everyone has a bottom....ans some of our bottoms have a trap door. Hopefully she finds hers soon.