Oh noes :/-Had the DTR talk. Fail

Lol! So-been seeing a scorp for about 4-5mths or so. Known him for longer than a year. It's a LDR thing, but we chat daily and see each other once every 2-3 weeks.
He knows I'm kind of a commitment-phobe so he's always saying "I don't want to scare you" after random stuff. I'm trying to feel deeper with this guy-not being my usual light hearted self and as a result have developed deeper feelings for him.
I try to drop hints, being complemetary and saying nice stuff to try to gauge what he wants out of this. I'm a planner and need to know if he wants more than someone to talk to and a random hook up when he's in town.(I'd move/sell my house to be closer to him but need to know if that's what he wants in the future maybe) In essence I want him to scare me. And said that!
So on comes the Determine The Relationship talk
*scary music*
I tell him that at this point I can either sink or swim, that he's not a random hook up to me and that we can part ways or go further into relationship bliss. I actually put myself out there..sober!!!
He responds back with that he's not hiding us or "advertising" us, and then asks if there's anything else he can do for me, and if "I'm good with that"

Arrggghhh...gutted!!!

I'm horrified that he took me baring myself so nonchalantly-and that he's secretly laughing at me, and said NOTHING about how he feels about me (not even..hey I like you too)
Question is..how can I recover from this with my libra pride intact? Can a scorp like someone without ever saying it??

Do you actually want to stick around after that? He sounds like a waste of time :/

no...not really. I just feel dumb. Thought it would be either a yes or no answer. At least I could've walked away with my head held high.

Though I personally would never ask a man if we are in a relationship, because I would never BE exclusive (MUCH LESS assume exclusivity) to a man until HE asks for exclusivity outright, so I don't HAVE "talks" like this.. usually it's the man saying, "So, umm.. what are we to each other, anyway? Are we a couple now?" -- "I don't know.. are we? I really like you and enjoy spending time together, and you make me feel good.. what do you think?" -- "Well, I'd LIKE to think we're a couple.. wouldn't you?" -- Then I answer based on how *I* FEEL.. do I WANT to be committed to this man? Is he meeting my relationship needs? Do I FEEL GOOD holding myself out to be in an exclusive relationship?

But aside from my own personal insistence on never being the woman who ASKS for a relationship whereby putting herself in the powerless position (*I* choose.. HE does NOT choose if we are in a relationship, he AKS.. and *I* choose!!) Why is it SO HARD for women to actually SPEAK UP and say what they REALLY think and feel?? If it's not good enough and you were looking for a yes or no answer, TELL HIM THAT. He left it WIDE OPEN for you to TELL him what you want from him.

Though I can see why he answered the way you did.. you may THINK you were "baring yourself".. but really, you weren't, not at all. And he just gave you back exactly what YOU gave.. sort of a "I could take it or leave it" kind of thing.. so he threw it back at you.. your wishy-washy (self-protecting) halfway on/off the fence attempt at the "DTR" talk got his halfway on the fence response.. neither of you wants to really put yourself out there and be vulnerable, you both want the other to make that move first. Stalemate.

Posted by Wynter
Do you actually want to stick around after that? He sounds like a waste of time :/

this ^

Posted by Pecheresse
Fuck him.

and this ^

Delaneia


If the thought of moving/selling your house to be closer to this guy ever crosses your mind again, I will come to where you are, grab you by the shoulders, and shake you. Really hard.

Posted by ScorpSuperior
Delaneia


If the thought of moving/selling your house to be closer to this guy ever crosses your mind again, I will come to where you are, grab you by the shoulders, and shake you. Really hard.

Lol! You're awesome-and I might take you up on that offer

Posted by Nefer
Though I personally would never ask a man if we are in a relationship, because I would never BE exclusive (MUCH LESS assume exclusivity) to a man until HE asks for exclusivity outright, so I don't HAVE "talks" like this.. usually it's the man saying, "So, umm.. what are we to each other, anyway? Are we a couple now?" -- "I don't know.. are we? I really like you and enjoy spending time together, and you make me feel good.. what do you think?" -- "Well, I'd LIKE to think we're a couple.. wouldn't you?" -- Then I answer based on how *I* FEEL.. do I WANT to be committed to this man? Is he meeting my relationship needs? Do I FEEL GOOD holding myself out to be in an exclusive relationship?

But aside from my own personal insistence on never being the woman who ASKS for a relationship whereby putting herself in the powerless position (*I* choose.. HE does NOT choose if we are in a relationship, he AKS.. and *I* choose!!) Why is it SO HARD for women to actually SPEAK UP and say what they REALLY think and feel?? If it's not good enough and you were looking for a yes or no answer, TELL HIM THAT. He left it WIDE OPEN for you to TELL him what you want from him.

Though I can see why he answered the way you did.. you may THINK you were "baring yourself".. but really, you weren't, not at all. And he just gave you back exactly what YOU gave.. sort of a "I could take it or leave it" kind of thing.. so he threw it back at you.. your wishy-washy (self-protecting) halfway on/off the fence attempt at the "DTR" talk got his halfway on the fence response.. neither of you wants to really put yourself out there and be vulnerable, you both want the other to make that move first. Stalemate.

I did put myself out there 🙂 I typically don't have the DTR talk either..it just seemed like this would get us through a bit of a long period without seeing each other as december flights are expensive.

Posted by Pecheresse
Fuck him.

And no...I won't be doing that anymore lol


Thanks for your input guys/gals- You've put it into some good light.

Yuck, imho DTRs are almost always a fail. Good luck.

Why must we over complicate this as we get older....
I hate adult pride....
Shouldn't we be experts at this by now??

Posted by Delaneia

Posted by ScorpSuperior
Delaneia


If the thought of moving/selling your house to be closer to this guy ever crosses your mind again, I will come to where you are, grab you by the shoulders, and shake you. Really hard.

Lol! You're awesome-and I might take you up on that offer

click to expand

Whatever you need, babe. 😉

Posted by ellessque
hold on a second.

you are a libra with a LIBRA moon too.

you are painting this picture so you are the only one with the good light.

libra and scorps are going to have issues because the libra will constantly bait and take away.

he didn't see you as putting yourself out there, for sure. you probably send a million different mixed signals and is only going off of your actions, not what you say. no way in hell he's going to put himself out there if he thinks he's going ot be rejected.

...and how straight forward were you with this talk? did you use any language that seemed noncommital on your end that leaves alot of grey? libra bits do that too so they can't be pinned down.

I was as blunt as a sagittarius..I promise you

Posted by NotYourAverageAquarius
Why must we over complicate this as we get older....
I hate adult pride....
Shouldn't we be experts at this by now??

Because we become more vulnerable as we get older I guess. Not every person is the same, and even if you become an "expert" at what one type of person wants/needs-there's always someone different to experiment with 🙂

Yeah..it's def a LDR. Different provinces in Canada. $ 600 flight lol. I wish it was only $ 100 to see each other. I'd be there every weekend. And I'm mid thirties