What Drives Men ... by Steve Harvey

Comedian Steve Harvey wants to let women in on a little secret: stop asking your girlfriends for advice and look to a man to tell you how the opposite sex thinks. In his new book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Harvey lets women inside the mindset of men, helping both sides when it comes to relationships. This excerpt is from the first chapter of the book.

What Drives Men ...

There is no truer statement: men are simple. Get this into your head first, and everything you learn about us in this book will begin to fall into place. Once you get that down, you'll have to understand a few essential truths: men are driven by who they are, what they do, and how much they make. No matter if a man is a CEO, a CON, or both, everything he does is filtered through his title (who he is), how he gets that title (what he does), and the reward he gets for the effort (how much he makes). These three things make up the basic DNA of manhood -- the three accomplishments every man must achieve before he feels like he's truly fulfilled his destiny as a man. And until he's achieved his goal in those three areas, the man you're dating, committed to, or married to will be too busy to focus on you.

"The pursuit of manhood doesn't change once a boy is grown. In fact, it's only magnified. His focus has always been on, and will remain on, who he is, what he does, and how much he makes until he feels like he's achieved his mission. And until a man does these things, women only fit into the cracks of his life. He's not thinking about settling down, having children, or building a home with anyone until he's got all three of those things in sync. I'm not saying that he has had to have made it, but at least he has to be on track to making it. "

Your thoughts ...

No, what are your thoughts since you are a man yourself?

I really like that virgotme especially the women become resentful & turn into vindictive witches. or they turn to martyr-dom.

- can't use this new dxp format, really eff-ing with me head

LMAO @ Zen..haha..I went through that as well with DXP..where the banner kept following me!...it's gone now and left me in peace...now the format is actually quite nice..

My thoughts ... I never really thought about it before reading the book preview, which is why I posted it here but thinking about it, I would have to believe that it's some what true. I do think that men are driven by who they are, what they do and the rewards they get from doing what they do and yes ... men are simple. A man's life partner is a woman who complies consciously or unconsciously with what drives him. So whether a woman likes it or not until he gets there or at least has his way understood and figured out, the only way you can have a somewhat peaceful ride with him, is if he's supported on through his confusion trying to find his way. Once he gets there or has his way figured out, you'll get his full attention.

Posted by Lady_M
No, what are your thoughts since you are a man yourself?

I didn't have a thought when I posted it. I just received the email and posted it right away. Feel free to let us know what you think LM. You always have some interesting insights.

"If a man respectfully makes his intentions crystal clear to the woman in the beginning, then that SAME respect should be returned and there shouldn't be a problem (other than the type of woman described in my first sentence). I say this all the time, one of the biggest keys to success to ANY relationship is COMMUNICATION."

VG,

I agree communication is the key but see that's the thing! you can only communicate what you know and I don't think that knowledge is known to all men. The pursuit of manhood starts so early by how it's fed from the very beginning, that many of us just flow along without a clear knowledge of what drives them.

Posted by XFoosMe
I've been in 5 long term relationships and I've never found those few paragraphs to be true. Although only one of them really took their job seriously, but it was all the same. They were completely focused on me. In fact...too focused for my liking. There was one other guy though who I was in a weird kind of on again off again relationship with that was completely focused on his job and nothing else.

I do agree that men are very simple though and I don't mean that in a bad way. I just think for the most part what you see is what you get.

I too would like to know your thoughts...

Okay well it's better not to see it as job though, because it's not all men are career driven. It's better saying "Who they are", "What they do" and "The rewards they get from doing what they do". If these men were completely focused on "You" then it sounds like "You" were what they did and the reward was satisfying in that sense. I think sadly some men were fed to find a security through women. All their dreams will be fulfilled through that woman and until they find that woman, they won't settle.

"clear knowledge of what drives them."

... drives us

Well I listen to Steve in the mornings along with the strawberry letters which provoked the book. (The morning show has grown on me, I didnt like it in the beginning)

Steve just lets women know what we try to do here...be aware when "He's just not that into you".
Dont force something that shouldn't be. Also, demand what you deserve. Dont stand for disrespect and half assed attempts.


As for what drives men...
There miscommunication comes from the changing times and women being more independent than the pass. I feel [we] women have evolved and our male counterparts have not. This is the reason for such miscommunication and everyone is just confused at whose role is what, etc. I feel men are trying to find (more so maintain) there place in terms of their role with women.

Thanks for posting this Ray, because one of my girlfriends and I were just talking about a tidbit we saw of him on a morning talk show promoting his book. In a nutshell Steve discussed his current wife (as I believe he was married before). He said he woke up one morning and his lady friend had packed all of her stuff and told him (I'm paraphrasing) "I love you, but you need to decide what you want. I'm going back to Tennessee (I think that's where she was from) and if you figure out what you want, then you'll know where I'll be. If not, I wish you the best life, and nothing less." He said it took him six months to realize what he lost, and he hitailed it to her, and they have been together and married ever since.
This is similar to the book "Why Men Love/Marry Bitches", I think that what Steve and the author of the aforementioned book have in common is that women need to realize that they too have some power in relationships and that they need to respect themselves if they expect men to respect them too.
If you (as a woman) are ok with being a secondary women in a man's life, and have no problem with taking a backseat to any and everything that comes up, then that's exactly where you will be placed. I'm by no means saying it's easy, because we have all probably been in relationships we shouldn't have been, or sold ourselves short in some way or another, but it is only through the bad experiences we can truly learn what we DON'T want, and can improve on ourselves. Also, most men are pretty easy to figure out; they say what they mean, and they mean what they say. Few men are like women. With a lot of women there is a lot of subtexts going on in a conversation, but with men, typically what you see is what you get, and if they say something, that's pretty much what they mean, without any underlying or hidden meanings.

Posted by Lady_M
Well I listen to Steve in the mornings along with the strawberry letters which provoked the book. (The morning show has grown on me, I didnt like it in the beginning)

Steve just lets women know what we try to do here...be aware when "He's just not that into you".
Dont force something that shouldn't be. Also, demand what you deserve. Dont stand for disrespect and half assed attempts.


As for what drives men...
There miscommunication comes from the changing times and women being more independent than the pass. I feel [we] women have evolved and our male counterparts have not. This is the reason for such miscommunication and everyone is just confused at whose role is what, etc. I feel men are trying to find (more so maintain) there place in terms of their role with women.

I don't get to hear Steve Harvey as much but the few times I got to hear him, I liked what came out of him. I agree with your statement on miscommunication between men and women due to how women evolved while men maintained. I also think it's going to take awhile for men to adapt as the change in women up bringing is very recent. Women are raised differently now, while men are raised about the same way. Women aren't raised to serve men as they use to anymore, I feel they're raised much closer to how men have been raised. Also women aren't completely comfortable and settled in this sort of new position, still expecting from men, as they did, on occasion. Men are driven by those things now, as we were raised to be driven that way and women are about to be driven by the same things as our education is starting become very alike. Hopefully communication will get better with time.

Posted by USCTaurusGal
Thanks for posting this Ray, because one of my girlfriends and I were just talking about a tidbit we saw of him on a morning talk show promoting his book. In a nutshell Steve discussed his current wife (as I believe he was married before). He said he woke up one morning and his lady friend had packed all of her stuff and told him (I'm paraphrasing) "I love you, but you need to decide what you want. I'm going back to Tennessee (I think that's where she was from) and if you figure out what you want, then you'll know where I'll be. If not, I wish you the best life, and nothing less." He said it took him six months to realize what he lost, and he hitailed it to her, and they have been together and married ever since.
This is similar to the book "Why Men Love/Marry Bitches", I think that what Steve and the author of the aforementioned book have in common is that women need to realize that they too have some power in relationships and that they need to respect themselves if they expect men to respect them too.
If you (as a woman) are ok with being a secondary women in a man's life, and have no problem with taking a backseat to any and everything that comes up, then that's exactly where you will be placed. I'm by no means saying it's easy, because we have all probably been in relationships we shouldn't have been, or sold ourselves short in some way or another, but it is only through the bad experiences we can truly learn what we DON'T want, and can improve on ourselves. Also, most men are pretty easy to figure out; they say what they mean, and they mean what they say. Few men are like women. With a lot of women there is a lot of subtexts going on in a conversation, but with men, typically what you see is what you get, and if they say something, that's pretty much what they mean, without any underlying or hidden meanings.

Thanks for your input USC ... One can only do what you allow them to do. See that's an example not to settle for less but women have been settling for less for so long that it may take awhile to get rid of some bad habits and references. Eventually you'll get there.

Posted by sagigoat
"everyone is just confused at whose role is what, etc. I feel men are trying to find (more so maintain) there place in terms of their role with women."

i agree with Lady_M.

i also think that many women are confused of their own roles at times also. many may not realize how important their own identiy and dreams mean to their happiness until they find themselves unhappy after suppressing who they are in the name of love or partnership. so i'd say what drives man, infact, drives women as well. it's just an individual thing in terms of individual's priorities in love, career, achieing their dreams, etc.

i asked mr.scorp yesterday what did he see in me that made him change his perspective (he never used to see a need to lose freedom i guess lol makes me think of when 2 commitment phobias meet lol). he said i'm always myself even when it's embarassing lol (err... i guess i embarrass myself more often than i realize 😐)

Are you two back together SG? How cute? Good communication is the way. Especially in this day in time. Otherwise you may loose a good thing. Yes you're always yourself even when it's embarrassing SG, I'm a witness to that, even onlinelol

- can't use this new dxp format, really eff-ing with me head

LOL @ Zena,

Yeah 😛

Ray's Heart! That was interesting. Actually, I have to think about this a bit before I give a reply. Its something to think about.

I don't get to hear Steve Harvey as much but the few times I got to hear him, I liked what came out of him. I agree with your statement on miscommunication between men and women due to how women evolved while men maintained. I also think it's going to take awhile for men to adapt as the change in women up bringing is very recent. Women are raised differently now, while men are raised about the same way. Women aren't raised to serve men as they use to anymore, I feel they're raised much closer to how men have been raised. Also women aren't completely comfortable and settled in this sort of new position, still expecting from men, as they did, on occasion. Men are driven by those things now, as we were raised to be driven that way and women are about to be driven by the same things as our education is starting become very alike. Hopefully communication will get better with time.

Women are finding there own voice. No, women arent raised to take care of men anymore and I am happy about this...women have literally been taken advantage of since lilith got thrown out of the freaking garden! I do feel women have not fully come to terms with whats best for them. The female revolution and the feminist movement is fairly recent. Our mothers and grandmothers still come from the past, where you took anything from a man b/c you had to. The women of today are also still feeling out their new roles, many have misinterpreted what it means to be an independent woman (i.e. sexual "revolution"). So, this adds to the confusion as well....we are not without fault in this regard, but then again men are just stagnant, which is also not helping.

As the years pass, I hope it can become better. Women will clearly understand what works and does not work for them and men can be more flexible.


Women need to understand their power and take advantage of their control in terms of how there treated in relationships. It just makes it harder for those who know their worth *big sigh*... you demand respect and the girl next door will take crap and put out just as easily...grrrrr!!!

I think guys like a challenge...and if there was a huge movement to, as Archers cap put it, "raise the bar", men will happily respond.... (a warm vagina is better than any calloused palm any day 🙂)

LM,

I agree with most of what you said. However I think all this should be about women reaching their full potential and not about starting a revolution. I think a huge chunk of the problem is the fact that a lot of women nowadays are lost in that revolution thing, their lost in their own stand, ending up fighting themselves. I think Women and Men need each other and either will never reach their full potential without each other. I find that Women nowadays tend to look down on our Mothers rebelling against everything their Mothers were about. They tend to focus so much on acquiring what their Mothers didn't have, that they completely forget to acquire what their Mothers did have. Our Mothers acquired some life essentials that made us decent beings today and those should only be enhanced/upgraded not completely deleted.

As for Archer's Cap ... No comments! 🙂

Posted by cappysweetie


Ray's Heart! That was interesting. Actually, I have to think about this a bit before I give a reply. Its something to think about.

Hey CS ... can't wait to hear what you have to say. Hope all is well with you!

Posted by sagigoat


he has never left even when i kept him at an arms' length. i was not ready for a relationship. my heart couldn't focus what's ahead. i didn't want to take anyone for a ride so i held them at arm's lengh. i asked for space and friendship and he gave me more than i asked. incredibly patient and never probe unless i volunteered info. i just told him the other day his patience is very impressive and he said my bff told him to never rush me back when we first met that was a long time ago he praticed that to heart since :O. an angel for real.

That's beautiful and quite frankly I never believed that he was the wrong guy for you. He's not perfect but I think he's perfect for you. I know what a bad guy is when I read about one and that's not the man you described all along. Just build a life with the guy SG C'mon, 🙂

I'm learning from your story myself. It's nice!

Posted by Rays Heart

Posted by cappysweetie


Ray's Heart! That was interesting. Actually, I have to think about this a bit before I give a reply. Its something to think about.

Hey CS ... can't wait to hear what you have to say. Hope all is well with you!

click to expand

🙂

Thank you Ray

There is no truer statement: men are simple. Get this into your head first, and everything you learn about us in this book will begin to fall into place. Once you get that down, you'll have to understand a few essential truths: men are driven by who they are, what they do, and how much they make. No matter if a man is a CEO, a CON, or both, everything he does is filtered through his title (who he is), how he gets that title (what he does), and the reward he gets for the effort (how much he makes). These three things make up the basic DNA of manhood -- the three accomplishments every man must achieve before he feels like he's truly fulfilled his destiny as a man. And until he's achieved his goal in those three areas, the man you're dating, committed to, or married to will be too busy to focus on you.

I wonder if this is why men who don't follow the three goals; have a difficult time committing. Also, if these men do commit, they have a god awful time pulling their own weight in the relationship. The simpliest things seem like a chore, if that makes any sense.




"The pursuit of manhood doesn't change once a boy is grown. In fact, it's only magnified. His focus has always been on, and will remain on, who he is, what he does, and how much he makes until he feels like he's achieved his mission. And until a man does these things, women only fit into the cracks of his life. He's not thinking about settling down, having children, or building a home with anyone until he's got all three of those things in sync. I'm not saying that he has had to have made it, but at least he has to be on track to making it. "

Hmmmm, this is very interesting, I can't help but think of those who do not contend to:

(1) his title

(2) how he gets his title

(3) and the rewards he gets from his efforts

You know, those that just floast around in life like theres no tomorrow. At my previous position (job position) I saw guys like this but they also could not keep a steady relationship going. Those that did seem to be with pretty insincere girls :O

Honestly, I never understood why people bought into the "how-to" literature, lol. I feel like most of it is common sense. I don't need anyone to confirm my common sense.


Like, the whole uproar over "He's Just Not That Into"...stupid, if you ask me.


I mean, it should be as simple as knowing when to take things at face value and knowing how to accept rejection. Value yourself! That goes for both men and women.

And I don't need anyone to tell me when to do this or that with my man. That
s silly, and opens the door to "game-playing". I respect Steve Harvey, but at the end of the day, I don't know him from Adam. I have to trust my own instincts and judgment.

"I wonder if this is why men who don't follow the three goals; have a difficult time committing."

Yes ... well I think a man who's not aware of what drives him, can have a hard time committing.

is that the reason why the 1st wife gets a husband at the beginning of the career. then he divorces her and marries a new woman when he's established. usually a trophy girl

"I feel like most of it is common sense. I don't need anyone to confirm my common sense."

"I mean, it should be as simple as knowing when to take things at face value and knowing how to accept rejection. Value yourself! That goes for both men and women."

I agree ... I see a books as one person speaking really, one person's opinion on a subject. It's not something to follow, I don't even follow the bible that way. I do think though that the best way to know people, is to hear and what they have to say and also watch what they do.

sometimes ppl tell you what you want to hear but their actions are different. what to do then? believe the words or actions?

"I totally agree Scorp! However I do not have any respect for Steve and how he did his ex wife. He's become nothing but a womanizer and should be trying to shred a better light on himself so his twin daughters will at least want to have some kind of relationship with him despite the way he treated their mother."

Ah! I don't know him like that really. Don't know if I want to get to know him like that either. I just read, get what I need to get and leave the rest.

""sometimes ppl tell you what you want to hear but their actions are different. what to do then? believe the words or actions?""


Actions. Everyone has a choice, and people do what they want to do.

agree. i believe most of the actions. sometimes that can be deciving as well.

"sometimes ppl tell you what you want to hear but their actions are different. what to do then? believe the words or actions?"

Don't believe in the person who delivers, believe in what's being delivered to you and it it's good for you. If your math teacher tells you 2+2=4 then get that and you will pass. Whether he turns around and gives a different answer to that equation when faced with it, is out of your hand. My best knowledge came from people who couldn't achieve what I achieved with knowledge they provided me. People won't bring you success, the truth will.

how have u been s.s.?

""i believe most of the actions. sometimes that can be deciving as well.""


Time will tell, as always.



I'm good. Thanks for asking. How are you, ariesgirl?

r.h.- very profound but unfortunately most of ppl don't live by that rule. sometimes ppl "do" what's right for whatever reason but they don't mean it

"r.h.- very profound but unfortunately most of ppl don't live by that rule. sometimes ppl "do" what's right for whatever reason but they don't mean it"

I agree and I say people do what's best for them and really why should they do any differently. At the end it's about what is good for you. Whatever someone delivers, you take what you need out of it and leave the rest. I think we tend to believe in people too much, I've seen it so often, people can always deceive you. As deception is often due to your personal expectations. At the end everything is a personal decision. So one always have to take what is best for them, in whatever life bring your way. Whether it's through people are experiences.

r.h.- u'r totally right & those actions are what usually causes heart breaks & dramas.

Aries,
True and it goes both ways too, that's why people should always reevaluate themselves on regular basis.

very true. should ppl act upon their emotional state or logic? which is more important when making a desicion regarding a relationship. of course, we all use both but it's can't be 50% 50% all the time. so, which one is more valuable and gives the best result?

I will always say logic, simply because emotions don't know what's good for you really and if your emotional references are bad, it will always push you towards making bad decisions. However I think emotions will always be there and can't be denied completely only partially. You should just keep them in check!

"this and this is often times the downfall in ones relationships. People especially women are looking to men for validation and happiness when those things should already exist within you by YOU. That way when a person enters your life you're not giving the a load of emotional responsability that they didn't plan on getting when getting involved with you. Putting your emotional burden onto someone else is not fair to them nor will you find that completness you are searching for through them which is what will lead to the deceite/disapointment that you actually not knowingly created yourself by putting expectations on someone who did not agree to living up to them. The you feel decieved and resentful towards them when it really isn't there fault. They shouldn't have never been giving that emotional duty in the first place. Its no ones job to create your happiness and self worth."

Hey Cusp of magic ... It couldn't have been said any better. Very well said. I like that!

You've welcome Cusp! I liked it.

"JD who says he is not perfect i have never said that lol . thx you for rooting it for him seriously . yes JD i do understand that one does not run into an angel who is also gaga sexy everyday lol "

That's right angels should stick together and make baby angels. No more leaving each other unattended. No matter what Ms.Aqua Moon says 😛


"tell u the truth JD, i have been testing myself mainly. i need to make sure i won't fail him before i commit i need to make sure the chemistry is right is a lasting one."

It's understandable but you know the only way you'll know for sure, if you'll fail or not, is by actually taking the exam.

what the hell does steve harvey know? what do ANY of us REALLY know? all you can do is YOU and all these 'manuals' 'articles' on what to do, what NOT to do are silly. that's why there's so much confusion, cause you have fifty people telling you fifty different things and both women AND men don't know which one to try on for size.

I think people have a right to give their opinion on life in general and if people choose to follow it, its fine. If people choose not to follow it, thats fine too.

Its all about choices, and if someone inspires someone else, then I find nothing wrong with that. I also find nothing wrong to listening or reading suggestions -- it is up to the person to make the decision but theres nothing wrong with getting advice.


This is the art of communication -- giving and receiving advice. What sounds stupid to one person may make perfect sense to someone else.

Getting advice doesn't mean that a person doesn't have the ability to think for themselves (of course not), it means that they want to factor in other opinions insread of relentlessly relying on JUST what they think.


Your opinion is yours alone, but its good to be open to whats around you.


Just my 25 cents 😉

Posted by sagigoat
hey sweetie, hope things are going okay with you

Hello Sagi buddy 😄 😄 😄


How are you?

Posted by sagigoat
hello sweetie! 😄

i'm good...

hey i'm sorry to read about your saga with mr.virgo giving you some headaches :/

You know, I really think the whole thing with Mr.Virgo is my fault (well 50% of it is anyway) When I had doubts, I really should have kept things at the friendship level, but he pushed it and being the nut that I am (lol), I went along thinking that merely dating this guy was going to be okay.

Had I known he would consume me so much and want more than just dating, I may have done things differently.

But I've learned that people don't take things as lightly as I do.

Posted by sagigoat
i meant it's 'always' easy to get in but not that easy to get out. it can be exhausting when you care too much.

Thank you Sagi 🙂

Like I said before, this is new for me. Usually things are easy, but isn't easy at all.


I really should have ask more questions when he said, "I want everything from you" haha, yeah, letting that go was a big mistake.

I actually have to talk to him tonight, I better call him before he calls me. I will tell him that he and I need to talk and that he needs to listen to everything I have to say or else he will never see me again.

Period.

I will get ready for bed now and I will talk to my (apparently still) my boyfriend.

I hope you are here tomorrow Sagi 😄 and again, thank you so much 🙂 For all your advice 😄 It has helped and still helping 🙂

Nighty night

take care yourself first and foremost and sometimes you do need to be cruel to be kind. the longer you drag the more hurt to him.


and me too 😢 ......


sweet dreamz dont't worry everything will be just fine

okay 🙂

I really going to sleep now lol

"i didn't understand how can one be "not necessarily" love kids lol he must be thinking that was the safest way to talk to ms.aqua moon lol 😐"

Yeah. Probably lol

"you must be really annoyed by my uncooperativeness now huh JD? ... oh well, have a lol"

Nah! I'm not the one involved with you. Your scorp could be though. I'm just worried about you SG really! as long as it's good with you. I guess that will do.

Do you find him overwhelming?