I THINK I MAY BE AT THE END OF MY ROPE

I have been with a Taurus man for almost 3 years now. We met onlne, talked almost everyday for hours, and after 6 months of knowing eachother I moved cross-country to be with him. Once I moved in I started seeing things I did not exactly like. He was very possesive of his things and didnt really want to integrate any of my furniture or kitchen items or wall decorations into his home. When he got angry he would say things liek I dint respect his home or what he had done for me by letting me move into his home. Well after almost 3 years of numerous arguments and thr roller coaster ride of happy and miserable, I think I may have gotten to my breaking point. I have signed 2 leases in the past and then backed out the next day because I couldn't bear to actually leave and end the relationship. But the clincher may have been our most recent argument...it happened 2 days ago and it went something like this: I was working a 12hour shift and he had the day off, but he went into work to fabricate some parts for a car he is re-building. Towards the mid-afternoon I called him to say hi while I took a break form working and we briefly spoke. He wasn't saying much but he did say that he was going to be leaving to go to a car cruise in a couple of hours. This event was something we had done together in previous years, but this year I would be working as it started. He didnt ask me if I wanted to go, he just said he was going. I felt a little miffed by it, so I just said "well have fun". At that point he asked me if that comment was supposed to make him feel bad,and I said no and that I didnt care of he went to the cruise but that he didnt even ask if I wanted to go at all. Anyway....a little while later I sent a text saying that I might be late at work and that if he was waiting for me, that it was okay to just go ahead and go. He texted back saying well if you want to go when you get home then I will come and pick you up and then we can go back. I replied, no thats okay. Later that evening I when I called him to find out how things were and everything, he was pissed because he didnt like my response of "no thats okay". He took it as I didnt want to spend time with him. Well we proceeded to end up not speaking to eachother for the next few hours and when I came to try to talk to him (like I ALWAYS have to, because he NEVER comes to me to smooth things out), he was acting like he didnt give a crap about anything. So I said fine if you wanna be mad...

...and I walked away. Well, in our relationship I am the one is gets bothered when we arent getting along. It makes me physically ill and physically unable to calm down. I had to be up very very early the next day and couldnt settle down to even get close to falling alseep...he was downstairs watching tv, looking like there was nothing bothering him. So I got frustrated and said I cant calm down and this sucks, and I started to cry a little. He came upstairs, got into bed and just layed there while I was crying. He didnt acknowledge me, try to comfort me or anything. And after about 10 minutes, with tears rolling down my face, I turned and looked at him. And all he said was "what?". And thatw as just it for me. I launched into asking why he never comforts me, why he always just leaves me crying and does nothing, like he just ignores whats happening in front of him. He responed in anger and threw his arms open and I just sat there thinking, "is this a choe for him? why doesnt he willingly give me comfort?", and he said "I am not going to stay liek this forever..." and because I felt like it wasnt genuine, I didnt move into his arms. I asked him again, " why dont you just hug and comfort me when I am crying? Why dont you ever do it, whether or not I am crying becaus eof you or somehting else, why dont you comfort me?"... and he said, "why so you can push me away?, No Im' not goint o be doing that?". And I said how doyou know I would do that? All I wan tit comfort, I come to you with everything! Even when I am mad at you, I STILL come to you!" ANd we went round and round, he got madder and madder, and refused to answer any of my questions or even acknowledge me at all. He said that "I was bad-mouthing him in his own house and I was just lucky he ddidnt throw my a $ $ out on the street." Well, I went from frustrated and crying to downright mad at that point. So I said, you know I dont feel like you love me....people comfort those that they love and you just WONT...you REFUSE!! So why dont you just tell me to move out then?! And he said since you're the one bringing it up, if thats what you wnat to do then do it!

I pleaded with him to talk to me, to just give me an answer to my question and he just wouldnt even say anything. He had his back turned to me the whole time and wouldnt even respect me enough to talk about any of it. Anytime I try to talk things out he doesnt give me his full attention. He watches tv, plays on the computer, works on the car....he doesnt stop what he is doing....just keeps right on going, without answering me or acknowledging me and it just makes me feel belittled. Well this felt like the last straw for me.

(I asked him once if he ever thought about what life would be like if I wasnt there and he said yes. And I asked, what? when we are fighting? Is that when you think about it? and he said yeah. And then I asked, so what did you come up with? ANd he said I dont like it. He said I think I would be sitting in my car crying.)

So, in the midst of this whole bad moment that was happening upstairs in bed, I said to him...so are ya thinking about life without me here now? How does that look to you now? Pretty good, I bet....and of course no response.

The next morning, I went to work without kissing him or saying goodbye...which we have tried not to do when we are mad at eachother...and we did not speak at all that day or night. I went and looked at a house for rent. We slept in the same bed, but never said a word. This morning I woke up for work again, left without kissing him again, and have not spoken all day... again. I always come to him to smooth things out in the aftermath and this time, I just wont do it. I feel like he really hurt me with his cold nature and dismssive treatment of my feelings and I just wont give in. He doesnt have the balls to talk to me, whether to work things out or tell me to get out of his house. He wont make a choice, he will leave me to do it. And at this point, I believe I will move out...without us speaking a single word. I think he is just THAT stubborn. I feel that I am only valuable to him when he wants something from me and he is unwilling to give me what I need...even when I ask for it. I deserve better and I thought that because he had been alone for so long before we met and his previous relationships didnt work out so great, that he would try harder with me to make it all work. But....it seems he has just given up. And I have almost moved out 3 times before, signed leases, paid deposits and everything without him even knowing I did...and ultimately couldnt bring myself to leave him.

Well, if you can't find it in yourself to leave a relationship that is grinding you down like this.. what do you want from us? A magic wand to wave and make him Mr. Perfect Boyfriend? Sorry, I left it in my other pants.

Tell me again why you love this man so much? And why you loving him is more important than you loving you?

I find this cute for some reason. Hmmmmmmm just people in love doing the usual. Relationship wise we rarely fall out with mothers but when it comes to others the norm is the usual.

1. First mistake is not knowng the standards of his house in which regaurdless of who you are you are still a guest in.

2. Your being a whiny baby because of your own mistakes and the tension of crap and love mixed together.

3. Both of you have communcation problems.

4. You said I almost moved out and broke up with him but you went with him before you ever stepped into a house so who do you go with the house or him.

5. Your being a whiny baby which is cute and shows your love but your stupidity as well.

6. Hes in a state where you and your emotions have wobbled onto his ignore list this type of thing is hard to predict when and how it happens but regaurdless you have ticked him off.

6. I think you need to remove yourself from the house which is where everything started from.

7. Stop crying.

6 months is not a long time to get to know one another, he was a complete stranger when you moved in with him and honestly I'm surprised that you 2 lasted 6 months but given that you lasted 3 years, I believe there is something between the 2 of you, love, you both genuinely care for one another but given that you are from 2 different countries, communication is hard between the both of you, if he could express how he felt and that he'd cry if you both broke let's me know he's in love with you but he's frustrated with your immaturity eg inability to communicate in a way that doesn't make him feel like he's being manipulated.

Counseling would be good, learning his culture and how the women communicate with their men is another way of learning a few boundaries and if that's not an option be "HONEST", you told him you were not bothered by him not asking you to go to the car show but clearly you were bothered and how hard would it have been to say "I want to go with you to the show. Can you wait for me or come pick me up when I get off work"

I suggest you be more forthcoming with how you truly feel, it's frustrating when a woman won't be up front and forthcoming with the truth and instead reverts into manipulating a persons feelings to get the kind of reaction SHE wants.

If you can learn how to communicate in a way that's mature and open and honest things could change dramatically and if it doesn't change then by all means move.

Maybe there is so much more to your story and it's not just the communication factoring in as to why you feel you want to leave, if you must leave do it, after 3 years no marriage proposal it's about time to be moving on anyway especially if marriage is a goal of yours for your future.

It's easy to focus on the negative because you are in a dark place. Let's focus on the positive for a minute, shall we? You didn't get pregnant. You didn't marry him. You didn't buy a home together. He hasn't beat you or worse murdered you. All of these things could have but did not happen. Consider yourself lucky and buy a one way ticket home. Go where people love you. You are not at the end of your rope but rather at the beginning of the next chapter in your life. Go forth with the knowledge that this experience has taught you something and that right now, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Sometimes things just don't work out.

SwimmingLioness, I am a Scorpio. And although I am typically pretty strong-willed and confident, with all the Taurus men I have dated (except one) I am typically emotionally wrecked and more needy than with other men. I'm not really sure why that is, except to say that with Taurus I feel completely attached and afraid that it isnt real, but also taken advantage of and afraid to accept that I may be just a toy. There has been only one Taurus man, my very first boyfriend ever, who was a doormat where I was concerned and did everything I wanted, which is ultimately why I left him. Since him, any Taurus I date, doesnt seem to have the tools to deal with me and certainly wont give me what I want....at least in my eyes. Of course, they always seem to say that no matter what they do, it isnt right....

Nala13... I very much appreciate your words and your perspective. It is easy to see all the negatives, but you are completely right and I am thankful that I have not complicated matters by buying a house or becomming pregnant. I am very afraid to irretrievably link myself to this man, because I ultimately feel he is looking out for himself above all else.

tiki33...I see your point and in the beginning of our relationship I did ASK when I wanted something and speak my mind, but that quickly fell to the wayside when I never really got to have adult conversations with him to resolve issues. He would shut me down because he didnt like what I was saying. So I have bottled a lot up and am now at the point where I feel he just digs his heels in anytime I bring up an issue or how I would like things to be.

My first and last Scorpio relationship ended because of power struggles. It was great in the beginning, but then the non stop fighting started. I actually felt like I was fighting for the right to keep my soul. I personally feel like Scorpios can sense the innate stability and self-respect in Taurus and it makes them feel a bit out of control. You keep saying you don't want to irretrievably attach yourself to him b/c your afraid he's in it for himself- well that "selfishness" is self-respect and self-diginity. That is just INNATE in a taurus. With my Scorpio ex, I was faithful and trustworthy and I did love him. However, he felt like I was holding back from him, since I never became a bumbling emotional wreck around him. Like he needed to have control over my soul. He needed to feel like he at least had the POTENTIAL to make me an unstable emotional catastrophe. I'm not capable of it. Even through tears, I always felt that no matter what, I know who I am and I will always have my core strength. Your Taurus can care deeply for you and be a sturdy force in your life. But if you need him to *emotionally submit* to you, in order to feel secure, that's not going to happen. At the end of the day, no matter what happens, Taurus will always keep their self-respect and won't submit to anyone. I know your probably thinking that you don't want to dominate him, but that is probably what it feels like to him. Relationships should be an equal partnership, a SHARING. I feel like Scorpios need to feel like your emotionally dependent on them, to feel in control. Being the "Dependee" keeps you in a constant state of anxiety, because IT IS NOT HEALTHY. However, if you NEED your partner to be as emotionally dependent on you as you are on them- please get with a fellow water sign. Earth wants to be nurtured, not molded into a different shape.

I fear your communications are just too far damaged to be fixed simply. He's SUSPICIOUS of you and feels like he has protect himself, every time you speak to him. How do you resolve anything, if his defenses go up the second you open your mouth? Trust is really important and it's obvious you both don't trust each other. Not even enough, to communicate openly.
Things go up and down with this pairing because, he wants emotional stability and you want emotional intensity. Doesn't always blend well. I would move on. But your both fixed signs and will do whatever you want.

Thank you RoseTheTaurus. Your insight is an amazing help! It perfectly describes a lot of what is happening and helps me see where he may be coming from, because he wont tell me himself. I do believe that I need him to emotionally open up to me and he always says "I dont know" to everything. I just dont understand that response and it drives me crazy...how can you not know your own mind or how you feel about things that have to do with our relationship. I dont know if there is something even more about this particular Taurus that prevents him from just letting go and trusting me, but he has only had one pretty good relationship with a woman in his whole life (and he is 42 years old), and the only reason that one ended is because she got cancer and he decided she should go home to be with her parents after she staretd treatment. He says that he was concerned that if something happened to her, like she died, that her family wouldnt be around her. I thought this was a little weird when he told me the story, since they had been together for 2 years and lived with his parents...but, I digress.

He will not indulge me with his emotions. I think that is a hugs part of my problem; I cant get him to just melt and tell me everything. I want to know that he has such love for me that he can express it easily and deeply...maybe I am just too concerned about trying to have him "submit emotionally" as you have said...that makes a lot of sense to me and is the absolute truth. He told me today, when we finally had a chat, that he never stops loving me and that maybe I just need to relax. So hard for me...I am an intense person. When I am happy I practically glow, and when I am irritated or angry, it is an internal battle not to ice him out or seek revenge...and when I am sad or hurt or insecure, the tears easily flow. I feel like he sees this as weakness...when I see it as a way to connect deeper...to have a chance to console and be consoled.

Oh I remember constantly telling my ex to just relax. "I told you I love you! Do you think I'm lying?!"lol Taurus and Scorpio treat expressing emotions very differently. I think its all about having different love languages. I like to show love through actions, not words. When my Scorpio ex asked(pressed, pushed, bullied) me to express my emotions- my mind literally goes blank and I feel attacked. I have no idea how to SAY how I feel. I just know how to feel it. I don't know how else to explain. It truly is fustrating.lol

Posted by tiki33
6 months is not a long time to get to know one another, he was a complete stranger when you moved in with him and honestly I'm surprised that you 2 lasted 6 months but given that you lasted 3 years, I believe there is something between the 2 of you, love, you both genuinely care for one another but given that you are from 2 different countries, communication is hard between the both of you, if he could express how he felt and that he'd cry if you both broke let's me know he's in love with you but he's frustrated with your immaturity eg inability to communicate in a way that doesn't make him feel like he's being manipulated.

Counseling would be good, learning his culture and how the women communicate with their men is another way of learning a few boundaries and if that's not an option be "HONEST", you told him you were not bothered by him not asking you to go to the car show but clearly you were bothered and how hard would it have been to say "I want to go with you to the show. Can you wait for me or come pick me up when I get off work"

I suggest you be more forthcoming with how you truly feel, it's frustrating when a woman won't be up front and forthcoming with the truth and instead reverts into manipulating a persons feelings to get the kind of reaction SHE wants.

If you can learn how to communicate in a way that's mature and open and honest things could change dramatically and if it doesn't change then by all means move.

Maybe there is so much more to your story and it's not just the communication factoring in as to why you feel you want to leave, if you must leave do it, after 3 years no marriage proposal it's about time to be moving on anyway especially if marriage is a goal of yours for your future.

+1

Six months = You don't really know someone let alone to move in with them.

RosetheTaurus...thankyou, thankyou! I am seeing so much now and he and I had a brief conversation about this today and I explained how I was begining to understand the problem and how we are different. I told him that I was going to try to stop asking this of him and he said he would try to talk more. So, we are going to try to adjust and I truly am starting to see things in a different light because of your post. I am really grateful and it will be something I'll have to keep reminding myself of.

"any Taurus I date, doesnt seem to have the tools to deal with me and certainly wont give me what I want"

Exactly what do you want? I only ask because you dumped the doormat and you're contemplating dumping the Alpha male that won't budge, this pattern is probably the issue, you seem to be deflecting your internal struggle onto him and this can complicate matters, of course he'll be defensive. You don't know what you want, I'm certain this is accurate because you weren't up front with him about the car cruise, you were miffed and instead of saying I'm miffed you said "have fun" and then went into pretending you were okay, I'm not saying this is all your fault, I'm sure he plays a significant part in why things are crumbling but I think you really have to LOOK WITHIN to find out what's wrong with you FIRST before you can make him responsible for your unhappiness.

You had a man that fulfilled all your needs and you dumped well the Universe has a funny way of giving you exactly what you want, a guy that won't give you anything, not even fulfill your needs so it's really important to know what you want and find a balance between needs versus wants. Some men won't give you what you need, he'll give you what he wants to give you and you'll have to figure out how to fulfill your needs on your own, not all men are this way but if you stay in a relationship were you clearly see he's not interested in making you happy/fulfilling your needs, it's time to exit, you certainly don't want to put waste 3 more years unless you're too stubborn and thus you end up wasting another 3 years. It's up to you.

If you want to give it one last try, try not to focus on him anymore, this will be hard, very hard because you've set up a routine but instead just stay in your feminine energy, don't ask him anything, don't give him anything, don't talk in code, if you feel sad say I feel sad, if you feel left out say I feel left out, don't worry about his feelings, stay in YOUR GIRL ENERGY--do this for 8 weeks and if things don't turn around then move, because typically when a woman isn't using her masculine energy a man will OPEN UP and GIVE, he'll give more, he'll feel compelled to give more when he gets to EXPERIENCE his masculinity through you, he'll fall in love again and if he doesn't then it's over.

This means that you can't be manipulative, you can't be the boy and try to GIVE him love & affection, it'll be cold nights but inevitably he'll stop being stubborn and SHARE with you.

tiki33...I hear what you are saying and I think I am starting to see things that I may be asking of him as not fair. Dont get me wrong, I want to feel valued and important to him, like my feelings matter, but I think we have very differing ways of expressing love. And if I back off then maybe he might soften a bit too and meet me half-way. All in all, if I do all the adjusting and he does none, then I will not stay.

I love this thread ( not your pain Spooky) but the descriptions of your Taurus man. I have been there with a Taurus man! I know that I cannot make him do anything he sets his mind not to do. (maybe a little coercing will work 😉 ). I also remember in the beginning of our relationship, that we were going back and forth about some things I didnt like and he said,". I love you and I always will but you dont seem to understand that." His statement surprised me. It was spoken so matter of fact. Almost no emotion. Another time about 6 months ago, I told him that I was sometimes unsure about what he does when he is not with me and doesnt answer my texts. He answered," I am secure in myself and know who I am. I do not want to have to worry about you feeling insecure. I love you so get a grip!" So there you have it, Mr Taurus says it straight and with no fancy words or flowery speeches but I would not have it any other way.

To be a bit transparent, don't manipulate or coerce, it's not working for you least not right now it's not so be transparent and he'll most likely become transparent too, don't hide your sadness, DON'T HIDE YOURSELF, don't display your emotions ALL OUT onto him, be a big girl.

The irony is you being the one to adjust yourself appears controlling, which can actually do more harm than good, he see you not taking care yourself because your too involved in every aspect of the relationship and this makes a man feel he's suffocating, he'll get really mean because feeling responsible for you DOES NOT FEEL GOOD TO HIM, some men see a woman trying to fix and mold and manage and repair and adjust and he just feels ANGRY because if you have to do all that and be that way then the relationship must NOT BE WORKING, so he begins to lose interest, once he loses interest and you're still fixing, managing and adjusting he begins to feel threatened, you being insecure through the adjusting overwhelms him emotionally and interfere with his own self growth/life so he'll begin to push you away to preserve his own happiness and peace of mind, ignore you, do a plethora of defense mechanisms to protect himself.

If he see you taking good care of yourself, fulfilling your own life, making yourself happy, which includes taking up hobbies that don't include him but don't necessarily create neglect within the relationship he'll be more open to take care of his side of the relationship.

Doing all of the adjusting in a relationship teaches a man the WRONG message, it says you're desperate and needy and typically a man will SAVE HIMSELF before he drowns in your insecurities and this is when the defense mechanisms come into play.

Remember this is a habit you've made a habit of in your relationship, I say give it some time, 8 weeks being completely into YOURSELF, don't neglect him, be present but steer away from old patterns, start asserting your feminine power in a healthy way, don't adjust any more than you have to , STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE RELATIONSHIP, don't hold him accountable for your happiness, if you're not happy then you're not happy, learn how to be more self sufficient, go cry alone, go eat alone, read a book alone, be with him but be into YOURSELF, smile, show him your feminine side, men love femininity, dress softer, do your hair, play dress up, just be A GIRL and stop worry about him, let him worry about you, stop adjusting, let him adjust and you may just see a turn around in your relationship.

You have to understand a little bit of how male psychology works, knowing the basics is better than knowing nothing. And hey I don't pretend this will be sure proof and work but if you actually stop the adjusting behavior and just OBSERVE, be patient, be present, be yourself and don't jump through any hoops to fix and adjust, eg not allowing fear to take you over to the point that you're pushing him away and be a little bit more into yourself, focus on learning what your needs are, fulfilling your needs and then learning to ASSERT your needs to him, this isn't about ASKING him to fulfill your basic needs this about ASSERTING this is what I need to stay with you and allowing the choice to give or not give which will clearly give you the answers you need and the confidence to move on if it comes to that, just maybe the relationship will repair itself without you having to do anything.

Lots of extremely good advice and insight in here.

actually to me, you sound like you're an emotionally manipulative bitch. as i was reading the OPs, i knew you were a water sign and come to find out, you're not only water, but the anti-thesis of taurus.

emotional pleas are annoying and exhausting. when i feel like i'm being emotionally manipulated, i shut down...i'm not going to give you a hug and i damn sure am not going to give you exactly what you want. f-u! i'm stubborn like that and i can't stand fake ass users.

you make assumptions regarding his feelings he's not talking to you, so that MUST mean that he's suffering some inner turmoil. he's on the couch, having a beer, watching tv, playing a game...all in silence...in peace so that MUST mean that he's avoiding you, avoiding your feelings, avoiding his feelings. it MUST mean that he's choosing to torture you.

lol...you're ridiculous.

look, if YOU are having an uber-emo moment, sort through your shit. don't project your inner turmoil on another person. don't assume that just because you're weeping into your pillow that he needs to come down to your level and weep with you.

the lesson here is that you need to grow the fuck up! you can't manipulate him into expressing emo he doesn't have. sure, he may be upset, but to the level that it disrupts his peace, absolutely not. why would he welcome an escalation to drama by acknowledging your emoshit?

you need to learn that his being upset is not akin to your being upset and unlike you who needs a kiss and back rub, maybe he just needs silence and a beer. if that doesn't work for you, don't let the door hit you.

ooooh, and this exchange is classic...

"So why dont you just tell me to move out then?! And he said since you're the one bringing it up, if thats what you wnat to do then do it!"

you're full of shit! i bet you though he was cruel when in reality, you're the one who keeps threatening to leave. if you want to be out!, be out! why threaten my security and happy home just because i didn't bring you a kleenex on command?

so not only do you threaten to leave, you claim that you've "attempted" to move out 3 times— dude, you "attempted" to move and when he didn't come sniffing around, when he didn't plead for you to stay, you showed your true colors. you showed just how much of a manipulative bitch you are. you can't fool a taurus in this way. we will see through you and that's exactly why he REFUSES to bend.

Okay, I am so terribly ticked off right now it is unbelievable! The update to this situation is that nothing has improved and I just feel like he expects me to be his little puppet. I have taken some of the advice I was given and tried to implement it: not showing so much emotion (crying, being less combative and asking him why he isn't doing particular things (spending time with me, having conversations, etc...), I actually went to a movie by myself for the first time in my life. He has no idea I did this, but I wanted to see if it was something I could do. I have been hands off and tried to just go with the flow, but he sees it as I am avoiding him. When I ask simple questions he turns it around and says that its just one more thing that he's not doing for me. For example, he hits the snooze button 3 times before he actually hauls his butt out of bed, and when it is my day off, I get woken up. It irritates me sometimes because it feels like its all about him and he isnt thinking of anyone else. I dont do that to him when I have to wake up and go to work and he is off. So I asked the other day if there was any way that he could not hit the snooze button so many times before getting up. I said it in a nice way, no huffiness or anything. Well he didnt like it, he said no that he couldnt do that and then proceeded to argue that he only does it twice. So I dropped it. Well he continued to get mad, saying that well it was just one more thing that he wasnt doing right for me. All I could say was why are you getting so upset when all I did was ask a question? He continues to tell me that I always am telling him what to do, and again I say I am not TELLING you to do anything, all I did was ask a question! So he was huffy the rest of the night and I just let it all go, because I feel like I get smashed in the face every time I show any emotion. One day last week I was feeling really good, for no particular reason and he asked me why I was so happy and I didnt even realize that I was acting SO HAPPY. And he looked at me like I had 2 heads and why I was being so unusually happy! But most of the time I am pretty reserved and quiet these days because I feel like I cant say anything or truly express my thoughts with him. We cant have a conversation for more than 2 minutes and its always about stuff that he wants to talk about....cars, his motor....he occasionally asks about my job....but we really dont have anything in common, it seems.

So back to why I am so very ticked off this morning...yesterday, I sent him an email that I think I need to start remembering to wear the ring he gave me because I got asked out by one of the drivers at my work. He asked me what happened and I told him, and he asked me what my response was and I told him that I said it was nice to be asked, but that I was with someone. Well he told me that this occurrence made him feel uncomfortable, and I said that I didnt tell him to make him feel uncomfortable and that I was HIS GIRLFRIEND. And he still was kinda weird about it. I reassured him that I loved him and everything and thought that the matter was dropped. Well when I got home he said he was wondering if he was about to lose hiS girlfriend and I said, you're still thinking about that? And he said yeah, pretty much all day. And I told him that he really has nothing to worry about. Then I did the things I normally do, take a bath, come downstairs and get something to eat, and watch tv. Well he sat on the couch and ate and then laid down on my lap for a little bit until the dog and his bad breath came over. So he sat up and was at the other end of the couch, and never laid back down. Well, after a few minutes I got up to let the dogs out, came back to the couch to sit and he just stayed on the other end. So I figure he doesnt want to lay in my lap anymore, and I dont say anything about it. Well a few minutes later the show ends and I get up to let the dogs in and I walk over to him and kiss him and say I am going upstairs for bed (I have to be up at 245am, and it was 9pm). He says okay but doesnt come upstairs for about an hour. Well when he does he is at the far end of the bed, not right next to me like when things are all good. So in my half-asleep state I ask why he is so far away. He says he isnt, but he moves over to me, and then after about 20 minutes, re-adjusts himself a little away again (not much, just a little). And again, I am falling alseep and dont say anything. Well, this morning, I was exhausted and barely got myself dressed in time and dogs fed and all that in time to leave the house. On my way out of the bedroom I walk over to the bed and kiss him goodbye, but dont say anything, he doesnt say anything either. Well appatrently he texts me while I am on my way to work and says "dont love me anymore". Well I had no idea, because my purse is in the back seat, radio is on, and what not. Well, when I get to work I hear my phone go off with a message

and I looked and saw that there were 2 messages. The first one said "dont love me anymore" and the second one said "guess not". So I responded that I just saw his message and geesh! And I said yes, I do. Do you love me still? And after a few minutes with no text back from him, I called him and he wouldnt answer so I called again. Well, when he answered he was ticked off and just totally with all the attitude he could muster. And I asked him what was going on and he said he didnt know and he just was giving me so much attitude. I asked why he was mad and if he had gotten my message back and he said he got it. When I asked why he didnt respond he said why should he? And I said, what do you mean, why should you? I said, so what, I dont deserve an answer? And he says no, dont turn this around on me, Im the one who asked a question. So I was like what is the problem here, why are you so pissed off? I said, I am not mad about anything and I havent done anything wrong, so what is the problem?! ANd he just kept oh right, like he didnt believe me or something. It was completely ridiculous and he was acting so righteously indignant that it bordered on psychotic. What the hell have I dont so wrong that I deserve this? I told him that yesterday I was just trying to lethim do his thing, rather than asking to spend time with him and having him feel like I was saying he couldnt work on his engine (which is what he was doing)!! Its like no matter what I do, if it isnt in line with what he wants, then I am doing something wrong! I cant be myself and do my thing and then us be together, when we are done doing our separate things. It feels like he wants me to be there at his beck and call and go away when he wants me to and then come running back when he wants intimacy. I mean, seriously, it feels like it is alllllll about him and he turns it around and says that its allllll about me. No matter what I do or dont do, say or dont say. if I dont say anything then I am shutting downa nd avoidin him, if I say what I think or feel then I am telling him what to do or what he ISNT doing for me. OMG What the hell is this?!!! Please someone decipher this for me! In the midst of the phone call this morning he said, fine since you seem to want it, its over! And I said what the hell are you talking about?! I havent said anything of the sort! He jsut seems to be shoving everything onto me!

SwimmingLioness, no I did not invite him back to lie on me and no I didnt make any moves toward him. We are in a power struggle all the time it seems, and I feel that I give and ask for things, while he feels like he only gives. So I feel like I cannot ask for things anymore...anytime that I do, I get the "oh Im not doing something right for you again". So, although I want to be close to him, I feel like I give a part of me over and feel like he can be somewhat disconnected even when I move to him. He says that I "never" do move to him, which isnt true but it is so easy to use the word "never" when you are angry...I'm trying to make adjustments to myself, the only one I can control, but I feel like I am the only one who is surveying things and attempting to make improvements. His stance seems to be, this is me and I wont change for anyone and you need to just be happy with how I am, no matter whether I yell at you when I am upset or say mean things...
It is frustrating and we are both stubborn and I believe neither one of us wants to feel taken advantage of. One issue is that I will not totally give myself over to him, I still have opinions and thoughts that differ from his, and it creams his corn when I dont agree with him. I realize that me not moving towards him and "inviting" him may just seem petty, but by the same token, why didnt he just resume laying in my lap?

I dont know what time of day he was born but his birthdday is April 28th. I was born on October 31st in the morning, I think around 8am PST.

I just sent him an email that said the following:

I don't know if this is an insecurity thing from what I shared with you yesterday, or what, but I am not pushing you away. I told you yesterday that I loved you, and that hasn't changed, but for you to ignore my text and tell me that I don't deserve a response to my question??_the very same question you asked me, by the way, is just hurtful. I want to be important to you just as you want to be important to me.

I am sorry if I didn't say anything to you this morning, but we both really need to give each other some slack. I have been trying to do that for the past couple of weeks, whether or not you have noticed. I have been trying to back off and just let things be, instead of asking you to do anything or why not this or that. I am not perfect and will never be, but I am here and I come home to you. Now, you brought up being done with the relationship, I didn't and won't bring it up. I was joking about a marriage proposal last night when we were watching that commercial for some new show... so, I don't know what you want from me. If you want to break up, then I will honor your wish, but it isn't what I want.

Okay, well he was born in Colorado and I was born in Hawaii.

This is mine...I hope I am showing the right info...


Zodiac in degrees 0.00 Placidus Orb:0

Sun Scorpio 7.40 Ascendant Scorpio 26.01
Moon Aries 7.14 II Sagittarius 25.31
Mercury Scorpio 21.51 III Capricorn 26.41
Venus Scorpio 24.41 IV Aquarius 29.25
Mars Aquarius 27.02 V Aries 1.35
Jupiter Sagittarius 8.46 VI Taurus 0.35
Saturn Gemini 4.58 R VII Taurus 26.01
Uranus Libra 15.26 VIII Gemini 25.31
Neptune Sagittarius 1.53 IX Cancer 26.41
Pluto Libra 0.56 Midheaven Leo 29.25
Lilith Libra 17.09 XI Libra 1.35
Asc node Aquarius 9.54 XII Scorpio 0.35

Here is his...

Zodiac in degrees 0.00 Time unknown

Sun Taurus 7.32
Moon Aquarius 1.19
Mercury Taurus 22.29 R
Venus Gemini 0.29
Mars Gemini 6.29
Jupiter Scorpio 0.15 R
Saturn Taurus 11.31
Uranus Libra 5.29 R
Neptune Sagittarius 0.07 R
Pluto Virgo 25.03 R
Lilith Leo 15.43
Asc node Pisces 10.28

I tried to read as much as I could. I honestly was thrown off by the mention of the ring and other guy hitting on you. Its like you wanted to tell him your still his all while letting him know you are still desirable. That all kind of threw me off as well. The rest just sounds like you both either want or are determined to get your way. The back n forth seems to be a reassurance that something is still there at this point. I didn't finish the story though so I can't comment about the rest.

Thank you SwimmingLioness! I am reading through the descriptions on his and my chart now and am hoping to get some illumination.

We keep having little arguments, over stupid petty things. I make a comment, he gets defensive. He used to say that he couldnt joke around with me or make comments because more times than not, I would get upset and take it wrong. He would say why are you so sensitive and make me feel foolish and say to me that he cant say anything to me anymore and he's getting tired of it. Well....now it seems to be reversed. I have learned to let a lot of his comments slide or say, you had better be joking, before I decide to get upset. Well now, he is the one getting upset about ANY comments I make and doesnt take any of them as a joke or playing around, but goes directly to pissed off. Last night, we were having a nice evening just chilling out watching tv and we were letting the dogs out and going up to bed and he says oh I saw this thing on YouTUBE... and I said of course you did, you're always on there lately. And he just got ticked off and said well forget it then. And I said so what was it, are you gonna tell me? And he said no, forget it. So I asked why he was getting bent out of shape and he said he wasnt, but of course he was, it was physically obvious. I said what is the big deal, I just made a comment? And he said "no matter whether you are home or not, I cant be on the computer.". I said thats not true, you are on there whenever you want, you DO whatever you want! And I said you are on it all the time, even at work today when I called you on your lunch, you told me yourself you were on YouTUBE. So what is the problem with me saying it seems you are always on there? I mean literally, if he is in the house 7 times out of 10 he is on the computer and goes onto YouTUBE. He will choose to be on YouTUBE than hang out with me or do much of anything else. I dont really see the point. BUT, we had a small argument about this very same thing last week which lasted 2 days and of course he wont let go of anything, he never does...so I backed off and havent said anything since last week about when he is on the computer and looking at YouTUBE. He is so sensitive about everything, that I feel like I am dealing with a spoiled child at times. He wants sex and wants me to just be jumping all over him, because he uses excuses for not approaching me and he gets snide and mean when he doesnt get it right now when he wants it....but hello, how am I supposed to feel like I wanna give myself over to you and share that when I feel like we dont "get" eachother on any level?! I mea

Instead of evolving together, we are unraveling. I am supposed to leave for a 3 day trip without him next week and I am actually looking forward to being away from this cloud that seems to surround us. The thing that gets to me is that it makes me sad...truly sad. We had such a connection in the beginning, it was so wonderful....and now I feel like a shell of a person when I am around him. I behave differently around him, like I cant just be happy or speak my mind because I may cause a rift. Things just shift on a dime in our house, and I am tired of being told that I am the bad guy and that I always turn things around on him. I feel like I live with an emotional vampire who is sucking all the happy out of me. I have tried to make changes to how I approach things so that I dont place all my expectations on him and effectively in our way, but I feel like I am the only one willing to take a "learning and growing" approach to this thing between us...I dont even know that I can call it a relationship any more. There is no constructive problem solving or communication. I essentially keep my mouth shut about some things or let the comments that he makes just roll off my back. They say there is a reason why a man who is 42 years old and has never been married, and is not in a relationship IS NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP....its because he cant be in one with another person, not effectively any way. I mean geesh, his kid's mother wouldnt even stick around and left when the child was just 2 years old, right after they had bought a house together. So what does that tell ya! They were together for 3 years too when she finally left. Maybe 3 years is the breaking point in dealing with him.
I realize I am venting and maybe doing this whole stream of consciousness thing, but if someone has some insight, I would be open to hearing it.

I think my "give a damn" may be broken and I feel the love I have been holding onto for him is draining right out of me.

The more I think about it, it seems like he has just slowly given up in many parts of his life since shortly after we got together. He was in great shape when we met, and about 6 months after we moved in together he stopped going to the gym on a regular basis. Then about 2 months after that, he stopped going all together and hasnt been at all for the last 2 years. Now his eating is getting crappier and crappier and its like he just doesnt care anymore. He doesnt take a shower everyday.... I mean, I dont know, its like I was sold a bill of goods or something. What's going on?!!

So we got past the last fight. Then yesteday was great, woke up, spent almost all day just the 2 of us, going out to a fair and window shopping. Well then his ex calls and says she is dropping off their soon to be 14 year old son, and no one gave us a heads up or anything. So he tells her where we are, she drops him off and we continue to go around the hobby store that we were in trying to find some parts for this racer he wants to build, but really, his dad is building it. So we found some things but not everything, and I am gettin tired because it has been a long day and I have to get up at 245am. So I suggest one more place to look and then we were supposed to go to the grocery store and then home. Well, that place was a bust, and we get to the grocery store and walk in and I grab some fruit and his dad gives me some wisecrack so I give him a love tap on the butt. Well next thing I know I start walking away and I get kicked in the butt. It was his son. And I was pretty shocked. It wasnt a little poke or a lopvetab, it was a kick. Granted not hard enough to hurt me, but I felt like it was disrespectful. So I looked at his dad and said, he kicked me, he just kicked me. And his dad says....so? And I was like HE KICKED ME. So I start walking away to find the cabbage we needed and was kinda flustered and obviously not happy, mostly because of his dad. The son comes walking up to me and says sorry and I said okay, lets just let it go. I was still flustered and still looking for the cabbage. Well his da finds th cabbage but its obvious he is bent about what just happened. He walks past me and just takes off, his son and I are following behind him looking like 2 kids who just got scolded and have to follow their pissed off parent. He is leaving us in the dust, essentially. I walk up to him and whisper, why does it look like you are mad? ANd he says he isnt. ANd so we go to 2 more aisles and he acts the same. When we get to the checkout he is in front and his son moves over to the other side of him, so now it just looks like I am by myself and they are both acting like they dont even know me. So I whisper again to him, why do you seem agry about this? And he starts in on my right ther in front of the cashier. We get outside and still he is talking to me like I am a child that is getting scolded. He tells me that I am wrong, that his son did nothing wrong and kept asking me if I was hurt. I said that wasnt the point and he said oh really...

I said it was disrespectful! And he says to me that it was no big deal, his son was just playing and trying to be close to me. I asked, by kicking me?! And he said yeah, he was playing. SO I said all I wanted was for you to back me up and say hey, that wasnt a nice thing to do, she didnt appreciate that, apologize. But instead he jumps on me like I did something wrong and his son is completely in the right. He says well he apologized, and I said yes and I said okay lets let it go, but you're the one who got pissed off. So at the top of his lungs he screams at me that I treat his son like shit! And I couldnt believe what I was hearing. I defended myself and said I absolutely do no treat him like shit and we went back and forth about it. Then he tells me, I hate to tell you this but my son is not going anywhere so maybe you should just move out. So I said, well maybe I should. And he said fine, its over! Get out! So again I said, I do NOT treat him like shit, Im the one who got kicked! I didnt do anything to him! And he said oh yeah right. All of this happened in front of his son, which made me feel like it was a horrible role model of how to treat women. Especially when I asked the dad, would you kick your mother or your aunt like that?! And he said yeah, its just playing. Well you know what, I would never dream of doing that to my mother. Never. Especially in public, in a grocery store.

So we arrived home and havent spoken since. That was 12 hours ago. He came up and slept in the bed next to me last night, but all the way over on his side. I said good bye this morning, not that he heard...and that is it. I had told him about a month ago that we needed to stop throwing this whole "move out" thing around everytime we got into a fight, because it was just some kind of stupid threat and all it was doing was breaking down the relationship. We had agreed at that time that we wouldnt say in unless it was real. Well since then he has still said it when we've fought. We made up the last time he said it. But this time, I am taking it as real, and final. I'm looking for a place and cant find one fast enough. I have to leave town in 2 days to see my family and he was supposed to take me to the airport, and watch the dogs. Right now, I dont know if he is still willing to watch the dogs, and I dont WANT him to take me to the airport. I want the time apart. This isnt healthy for me and I cant possibly find another place to move into fast enough.

If I had my way, I would find a place today, sign the rental agreement, get movers tomorrow, leave for my trip the next day, and never see him or set foot in that house ever again. But that is a pretty tough order.

And just to add, I am not mean to his son. In fact, we dont speak all that much. He is constantly playing his video games, and his dad doesnt even really spend time with him. All this kid wants to do is play video games alllllll the time. And the few times that I have tried to suggest to his dad on things to do with his son or ways to handle certain issues, because his son lies and has been caught not following the 2 rules that he even has at the house. Basically, he has no rules, the dad lets him do whatever. Instead of molding him, guiding him, giving him boudaries, he just gets whatever he wants. So the times when I have said hey, can you please throw your food wrapper away or your soda can, or pickup your shoes and put them on the stairs so the dog doesnt eat it....his dad gets all bent out of shape cuz I am bossing his kid around and being "mean". No, I feel its just setting up an expectation for how to be responsible! But since those kinds of reactions have been received from him, I rarely talk to his son, because I feel like he has pitted us against each other, the dad has, not the kid. Although, I believe the kid is manipulative and getting moreso now that he is turning 14. Anyway, I have given up saying much of anything to the kid because he never listens anyway, and I just end up getting annoyed. And I am not his parent and he is not my responsibility ultimately. So I stay detached. But apparently his father views that as treating him like shit, or something, I have no idea. This isnt a family, how can it be? It is greatly disfunctional, and I believe his dad really doesnt want to be a dad, but feels guilty so he wields it like some kind of sword.