Qbone
@Qbone
20 Years10,000+ PostsVirgo
Comments: 0 · Posts: 13612 · Topics: 756
Am I being too nice?
So, are we to assume that you are basing his character on hear-say? She tells you what he says, and you all react?
You are basing your assessments of his character by listening to a person who actually WANTS to be in a relationship with a strangler?
I'm not sure I get your problem here ..... your concern seems to be unbalanced, and focused soley around yourself.
Whether or not she is loving on the sweetest guy in the world, or the biggest dickhead that ever walked ......... what does that have to do with a relationship between you and this girl?
Somehow, you have conflated the two.
She could date a man 40 years older than her, she could like to get tied up and whipped, she could be lousy housekeeper or a clean freak, she could work for a trash removal company, she could be in love with her next door neighbor who lost his limbs in an accident, she could like smoking weed, she could be all kinds of things .........
........ how do you conclude that what she does in her life should be measured by you as to whether you should her or not?
Are you actually implying that if a friend doesn't do as you say she should do in her love life .... then she cannot be a friend of yours, then, because a term of friendship with you is to listen to what you deem is right for her in her life?
that is how it sounds.
So the fuck what you don't like her boyfriend.
So the fuck what who he does or does not like.
What he does/wants/says, is between him and her .... has nothing to do with your friendship with one of your girls.
Seriously .. I'm not getting this. How can you being a friend = being too nice?
You are basing your assessments of his character by listening to a person who actually WANTS to be in a relationship with a strangler?
I'm not sure I get your problem here ..... your concern seems to be unbalanced, and focused soley around yourself.
Whether or not she is loving on the sweetest guy in the world, or the biggest dickhead that ever walked ......... what does that have to do with a relationship between you and this girl?
Somehow, you have conflated the two.
She could date a man 40 years older than her, she could like to get tied up and whipped, she could be lousy housekeeper or a clean freak, she could work for a trash removal company, she could be in love with her next door neighbor who lost his limbs in an accident, she could like smoking weed, she could be all kinds of things .........
........ how do you conclude that what she does in her life should be measured by you as to whether you should her or not?
Are you actually implying that if a friend doesn't do as you say she should do in her love life .... then she cannot be a friend of yours, then, because a term of friendship with you is to listen to what you deem is right for her in her life?
that is how it sounds.
So the fuck what you don't like her boyfriend.
So the fuck what who he does or does not like.
What he does/wants/says, is between him and her .... has nothing to do with your friendship with one of your girls.
Seriously .. I'm not getting this. How can you being a friend = being too nice?
"Am I being to nice? We haven't really spoken all summer and I feel like she stayed with this jerk (besides the fact that he abused her) after he talked shit about my friends but I do have a little soft spot for her and honestly feel bad for her.
My friends do not want her to stay, am I being way to considerate?"
You know .... it sounds like you and your friends are upset because she would want a man to whom you dont' want her to want. That, in itself, sounds emotionally abusive .... think about that.
Think about this ...... you befriend a girl, and she wants to be with a man you don't want her to be with .... so, you and the girls reject her, eventhough you are suppose to be a friend back to her.
This goes both ways .... there are always two sides.
In the quote above you make the implication that the reason why you haven't spoken to her all summer is because you don't approve of hear-say/gossip ...... because that's what it is ...... it is a measurement of his character based on what you were told.
And for that ^^^^^^^^^ you reject her.
Does that not sound emotionally abusive to you? Wear that ^^^ on the other foot, what if it happened to you? Wouldn't you then feel like you had been abused if your friends turned away from you simply because they didn't like your boyfriend?
My friends do not want her to stay, am I being way to considerate?"
You know .... it sounds like you and your friends are upset because she would want a man to whom you dont' want her to want. That, in itself, sounds emotionally abusive .... think about that.
Think about this ...... you befriend a girl, and she wants to be with a man you don't want her to be with .... so, you and the girls reject her, eventhough you are suppose to be a friend back to her.
This goes both ways .... there are always two sides.
In the quote above you make the implication that the reason why you haven't spoken to her all summer is because you don't approve of hear-say/gossip ...... because that's what it is ...... it is a measurement of his character based on what you were told.
And for that ^^^^^^^^^ you reject her.
Does that not sound emotionally abusive to you? Wear that ^^^ on the other foot, what if it happened to you? Wouldn't you then feel like you had been abused if your friends turned away from you simply because they didn't like your boyfriend?
"I did not want to be friends with someone who would allow their boyfriend (of 4 months at the time) disrespect their friends. So I distanced myself. She calls me a few weeks later crying, telling me that he strangled her and pushed her. We all felt bad but hey it was one of those moments like, "we told you so". Myself, being the closest one to her, decided to go over and comfort her etc etc. Long story short they got back together but I decided I would never really be close with her like that again."
However, I do understand what you are saying above .... in that how could you allow a friendship to continue with a person who would approve/allow her boyfriend to disrespect you. I get that part.
What I don't get it is .... you have taken everything said ..... said second hand ... as gospel to react to.
Don't you think it's odd that a boyfriend would consider his girlfriend's friends as cool chics and then suddenly after 4 months decide to be an ass about these women he formly liked?
However, I do understand what you are saying above .... in that how could you allow a friendship to continue with a person who would approve/allow her boyfriend to disrespect you. I get that part.
What I don't get it is .... you have taken everything said ..... said second hand ... as gospel to react to.
Don't you think it's odd that a boyfriend would consider his girlfriend's friends as cool chics and then suddenly after 4 months decide to be an ass about these women he formly liked?
What I'm really confused about here, and is making me continue to keep re-reading, analyzing ......
The bottom line is that you feel that she has forsaken her loyalty to her girls - you and others .... and for this, your pride has caused you to back off away from her because your integrity tells you that it is disrespectful for her to allow him to dishonor her girls.
And then you betray yourself?
Okay let me clarify some things for P-A. The reason why her friendship and mine fell a part was because she started to tell personal info to her bf. when I told her I was not comfortable with that she did it anyway. I felt betrayed. That is why we fell off.
And P-A when you are in a relationship with someone who is a jerk it can change your other relationships with people.
Thank you all for the info everyone.
And P-A when you are in a relationship with someone who is a jerk it can change your other relationships with people.
Thank you all for the info everyone.
Posted by fieryearth
Okay let me clarify some things for P-A. The reason why her friendship and mine fell a part was because she started to tell personal info to her bf. when I told her I was not comfortable with that she did it anyway. I felt betrayed. That is why we fell off.
And P-A when you are in a relationship with someone who is a jerk it can change your other relationships with people.
Thank you all for the info everyone.
You don't need to clarify for me ... I understand what ground you think you are standing on ... what I don't get is why you cannot see the ground ... why you stand on the other side of the street and think it's this side of the street.
y me trying to clarify things for you .... not the other way around.
You asked .... "SO this is why I asked my initial question in the beginning, am I being used for my kindness by letting her stay with me." ... so this is an indicator that you need clarifying if you cannnot comprehend the below .........
Posted by fieryearth
-No it';s emotionally abusive when her bf talks shit about us and she says nothing about it yet expects us all to hang out. I'm sorry and I do not know about you, but I'm not being no one's "friend" if I know that they do not like me. And it is also emotionally abusive when you tell someone something and they tell another person who they KNOW does not like you....
Posted by fieryearth
"
I feel like she has betrayed me personally because I told her something very important (besides other things) before she started dating the jerk, she dates him and tells him (this is after I discover he does not fancy me). SO it has nothing to do with pride, it has everything to do with what friendship is based upon. And those ties were broken...
click to expand
.......... means that you made the decision that this girl betrayed you, this girl took advantage of you, this girl loves the drama Fieryearth, this is WHY she allows him to say those things about you .. because she WANTS the drama ...
...... you can say it, look at your quotes above, you can say it, so you know (((((what))))) she is ... and then you still ask the question again?
It's like ... oh look a fire, do you think if I jump in then I might get burned?
wtf?
"SO this is why I asked my initial question in the beginning, am I being used for my kindness by letting her stay with me."
By you letting her stay with you is NOT an act of kindness on your part as you are interpreting it, meaning ...... you just thinking this is an innocent act of mercy on your part, that you are just compelled to act out in life to aid a person and this person is the one who now is in need and you can't help yourself but to help her ........ that's not what this is .. this is not helping a cripple across the street and then they turn and hit you with their cane and tell you to fuck off when they are safely on the other side.
This is a situation in which you already KNOW FULL WELL that this person betrayed you ... so if you allow her to fuck you over, then this is YOUR FAULT and doesn't qualify you to feel woe, look at me, I'm so abused.
Really there's no difference between you and her in this aspect.
She would allow him to abuse you ....... and you would allow her to abuse you.
Being a martyr is ugly and doesn't warrant pity.
Because if my pride was hurt or w/e I would of immediately said NO b/c she is still involved with the guy.
By you letting her stay with you is NOT an act of kindness on your part as you are interpreting it, meaning ...... you just thinking this is an innocent act of mercy on your part, that you are just compelled to act out in life to aid a person and this person is the one who now is in need and you can't help yourself but to help her ........ that's not what this is .. this is not helping a cripple across the street and then they turn and hit you with their cane and tell you to fuck off when they are safely on the other side.
This is a situation in which you already KNOW FULL WELL that this person betrayed you ... so if you allow her to fuck you over, then this is YOUR FAULT and doesn't qualify you to feel woe, look at me, I'm so abused.
Really there's no difference between you and her in this aspect.
She would allow him to abuse you ....... and you would allow her to abuse you.
Being a martyr is ugly and doesn't warrant pity.
Because if my pride was hurt or w/e I would of immediately said NO b/c she is still involved with the guy.
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