How To Get Through To a Hurt Virgo

I posted here a few months ago about the virgo I was seeing for a few months who suddenly needed time and space to deal with his "issues". To recap, he is divorced about a year after a fourteen year relationship and has a high pressure job with a difficult schedule. We met, hit it off and dated a couple of months when he ran from me, after saying he needed time and space and to learn to put himself out there again. He said he had feelings for me, but the schedule was a problem and made other excuses about the distance between us (two hours). He told me he needed to deal with things by himself and not to wait for him, but that I would be the first person he called or texted when he got it straightened out. At the time I questioned if it was not having feelings for me, his schedule/distance or being hurt that made him run. It has been almost three months and I just texted him with a very harmless, fun text. We spent the next four hours texting back and forth like old times. In the process he told me he was always attracted to me, but that he is is having trouble adjusting to single life and trusting people again. Said, "I can't let myself get hurt again." He said part of him has died and he has to figure out how to move on in a healthy way--he is concentrating on work, working out and seeing his family. I said that being alone and lonely seems like a bad choice; he said it feels like it isn't a choice for him. He said he never wanted to hurt me but felt he needed to protect himself. I told him that he needs to get it together because I miss him and he seems to miss me. He said" I'm working on it. If I ever get it all figured out you will be the first person I call." This conversation was more relaxed, fun and normal unlike months ago when he was upset, uptight and clearly pulling away.

I'm not waiting for him, but he is in the back of my mind. How do you handle a virgo, or any man for that matter who has been hurt like this? Is there anything I could say or do to show him that I can be trusted and to take a risk? I think he does have feelings for me, since he responded to the text and talked for four hours. When I told him that I thought one day we would be together in bed (never slept together) (this comment after some kind of sexy texts🙂) he said "I hope you are right." I think he does need to get things straight with himself, but worry about how long it could take and whether one can actually do so alone. Thoughts anyone?

Don't wait for him.


You know, flip this around ... a guy would never tolerate a woman with such baggage that she takes months, even years to get over her little feelings.



Gooses and ganders ....

Well, this is the realization I have come to: If a man wants you, he will make every effort to be with you. There will be no excuses. No "time to figure himself out" crap. The reason I have come to this conclusion is because I use the same bullshit excuses when I am not really into the guy. But if I love or want him, you bet your ass I am available.

Posted by Yossarian
A year is just not long enough, it took me six years to get over my ex. I guess it's because when we say you are the one , we mean it.

I don't mean any offence by questioning you but is that for real? and hell if so that must have hurt...and really please don't take offence that touched me

Posted by amysue38
I said that being alone and lonely seems like a bad choice; he said it feels like it isn't a choice for him. He said he never wanted to hurt me but felt he needed to protect himself. I told him that he needs to get it together because I miss him and he seems to miss me. He said" I'm working on it. If I ever get it all figured out you will be the first person I call." This conversation was more relaxed, fun and normal unlike months ago when he was upset, uptight and clearly pulling away.

I think you should get a little more perspective on what it might be like for him, not just what you want and how you miss him. If I'd been with someone for 14 years and been hurt badly, I'd need more than a few months, even years to fully get over it. Why so long? Because it's just in a Virgo's nature to need time to themselves to understand what went wrong, why we let it get to that point/didn't see it coming, and then find a way to be okay with the failure. The last part is what takes the longest because we're just not hard wired to deal with failure well since we make such an effort to not fail in the first place. Saying he needs to "get it together" will not help.

I'm not waiting for him, but he is in the back of my mind. How do you handle a virgo, or any man for that matter who has been hurt like this? Is there anything I could say or do to show him that I can be trusted and to take a risk?

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The best thing you can do for him is to be his friend. He's clearly stated that he doesn't want to be hurt again, nor does he want to hurt you, so your best bet is to provide some stability without the presure of requiring something he cannot give you. That's not even just a Virgo thing; it's a newly-divorced-and-hurting thing. I don't think you should wait for him because you don't sound like you're really willing to be that patient (and we require patience), but if you are in it for the long haul and are sure he's the one, be the rock he's so afraid of never having again. He'll be worth the wait.

Thanks for all of your responses. I am trying to be patient, but it is really hard and no, I don't do patience well. Still, this man seems worth the effort and I am not ready to give up on it yet. I am trying now to kind of reestablish some kind of relationship, more like friends, where he can feel free to talk to me without feeling pressure. I'm going at that very slowly. I have a christening in June that I need a date for and actually asked him last night if he would go as my date, no stings attached, just a fun evening. He did not say no, but that he needs to check his schedule (job requires this). I'm hoping he will go and we can just enjoy each other's company again.

I know he is hurting and definitely gun-shy and I can't blame him. In some ways I wonder if he is almost testing me to see if I will stick around through the rough times and be that solid, stable person. Maybe he figures that if I give him room and show empathy and patience while he figures this out, that I might not hurt him in the long run. I'm going to try and persevere as long as it is not too painful for me and I am not at risk of being hurt more myself. I am quite sure that in the end he would be worth the wait, but wow, this is hard sometimes!

Thanks for all of your responses. I am trying to be patient, but it is really hard and no, I don't do patience well. Still, this man seems worth the effort and I am not ready to give up on it yet. I am trying now to kind of reestablish some kind of relationship, more like friends, where he can feel free to talk to me without feeling pressure. I'm going at that very slowly. I have a christening in June that I need a date for and actually asked him last night if he would go as my date, no stings attached, just a fun evening. He did not say no, but that he needs to check his schedule (job requires this). I'm hoping he will go and we can just enjoy each other's company again.

I know he is hurting and definitely gun-shy and I can't blame him. In some ways I wonder if he is almost testing me to see if I will stick around through the rough times and be that solid, stable person. Maybe he figures that if I give him room and show empathy and patience while he figures this out, that I might not hurt him in the long run. I'm going to try and persevere as long as it is not too painful for me and I am not at risk of being hurt more myself. I am quite sure that in the end he would be worth the wait, but wow, this is hard sometimes!

Posted by amysue38
I know he is hurting and definitely gun-shy and I can't blame him. In some ways I wonder if he is almost testing me to see if I will stick around through the rough times and be that solid, stable person. Maybe he figures that if I give him room and show empathy and patience while he figures this out, that I might not hurt him in the long run. I'm going to try and persevere as long as it is not too painful for me and I am not at risk of being hurt more myself. I am quite sure that in the end he would be worth the wait, but wow, this is hard sometimes!

Bingo. Just be a friend, a true friend. That is the foundation of the best relationships. And I bet in time, he will surprise you in ways only a Virgo can. 🙂 And I understand how hard it is since I'm waiting on one myself, but being Virgo, I have a little more insight into our complexity. Don't put a time limit on it. Just let it breathe and grow.

let him figure you out, let him analyse you, watch you in how you deal with problems and difficulties. that will gain his trust - but it may or may not be quickly because of his kid. we virgo are protective of our offspring with a strong sense of duty to put them as #1

Just an update on my situation: the virgo guy could not make the christening I invited him to due to a concert. I was understanding and said he could make it up to me by dinner and catching up. He said he would let me know, "I've been laying low, hanging with myself mostly, exercising, going to work." I asked if it was that he could not see me again and he said, "That's not it at all, I just don't want to lead you on or give you any false hope, I'm still very unsure of myself." After I explained that it was just one dinner and I had some things to share with him, he agreed that we would settle a time and place. Before Memorial Day weekend I sent him a text saying that I would leave Thursday through Saturday open for his schedule and plans. He responded that he had to work Fri, and Sat, family gathering Sun. and only free day Mon. I said I would work around Monday, but he felt traffic would be bad (we have to meet half way). So he says, "I'm off next Friday if that works." I said yes, asked where he wanted to go and he said it was up to me. I threw out a few suggestions by text. NOW, that was Thursday a week ago and after telling me it was up to me, he dropped off the face of the earth. On this Tuesday after Memorial day, I sent a text telling him that I made reservations for Friday at a particular time and where to meet me. No response confirming or backing out. On Friday (day of supposed plans) I called (no ring, voicemail) and left a message saying that I was worried because he never ignores me, that we have plans and was he ok or just not coming? No response. Two hours later I left another message (worried and pissed now) asking to please let me know if he was ok, just blowing me off or what. Followed up with a text basically asking if he was ok, walking away without saying goodbye, wanting me to walk, and to just explain himself please. It is Saturday and still no response.

I am sure he got my messages and is probably fine, though he is in a dangerous job. I am also sure I probably pushed too hard for us to meet and that is part of the problem. Still, he responded to the christening, agreed to meet, responded to the dates and even brought up Friday. He has never ignored me like this, or not at least backed out of plans for us to meet. It was always, I'm not ready, can't do it, etc....Do I basically think now that I have been blown off forever? Do I send a final text stating that I am walking away for good unless I hear from him aga

Do I basically think now that I have been blown off forever? Do I send a final text stating that I am walking away for good unless I hear from him again, because clearly I make his internal conflicts worse? This man was not rude or disrespectful when we were dating, but since he needed "time" it is impossible to get through to him. I know once Virgos are done they are done--I wonder if I pushed him to that point. The thing is, that I wasn't asking for a relationship or anything other than to see each other after four months. I thought I was being understanding in my approach, but maybe not. I don't want him now with all of his conflicts and issues, but down the road I might if he works it out. If a Virgo thinks you are angry and he hurt you or screwed up, do they ever come back to work it out or explain? If you think I am just being played and blown off feel free to tell the truth, but be gentle please..this still hurts 😢

what profession is he?

i think put the ball in his court and get him to arrange a date, then you wont feel like this

Law Enforcement. The problem is he has not even returned any of the voicemail or text messages since we tentatively made the plans last week. It is like he has disappeared and not responding to my questions of whether he is ok or not, not just questions of why he blew off the plans. How do I get him to see me when he is not in contact? I'm afraid the more I send texts or call the more far away he runs. I feel like I permanently blew it by wanting to meet him when he said he was laying low and not sure of himself. At least then he was returning my texts, but now nothing.

the best you can do is leave message/email to call you when he is free. give him the ball to put into service

dont think too much, there is too much unknown and its dangerous to make a conclusion because of the probability of it being wrong

i admit being bad with picking up the phone because i dont always have it on me. especially if he is doing field work, maybe he doesnt want to risk losing or damaging it. and when he knocks off he doesnt realise to check messages. also if he is around people, he may not check messages or call because he doesnt want to appear rude in front of others

the point is, you need some information from him because you have no way to extract it. you can investigate if you want, but do it with a smile. i think i would like that haha. but try busying yourself in something else if you feel too edgy waiting for a response from him

Here's the thing though--I think he is running for his life from me and the situation. I am quite sure he is doing this on purpose and not just leaving his phone, or not checking it--especially since he uses it for work. Clearly he is running and avoiding me at all costs. I just feel as though I screwed it up more by pressing to see him. It doesn't excuse his ignoring me, but I must cause him too much anxiety and fear and he can't deal with it.

dont make any assumptions, you really should ask

dont believe, its an illusion! haha!

In the last text I sent I did ask if he was walking away without saying goodbye, or whether he was hoping that I would. I asked if this was how he really wanted things, and what is going on. No response to any of those questions. How do you get information when the person isn't answering your questions through text and phone? 😢 That's why this seems purposeful and that he is just avoiding the conflict or final ending to things, if that's what he wants.

face to face, i kind of thought the situation is beyond indirect communication

Maybe he's in the field on assignement.Either way,it takes a special kind of tough to be an officers' other half.

So, to update the situation further, here goes. I was at work yesterday and people were asking me to see a picture of the virgo guy. I pulled up his picture on the dating site we met on. Well, they have added a new feature which shows when the person last logged in to their account on the site, to view their matches. My guy, the one who is so distraught and needs time to deal with his divorce, yes the one who could not call me to tell me that he was not meeting me for dinner, or respond to let me know he was safe and ok, logged on the account yesterday. So clearly, he is not dead, or MIA, and probably not so upset over his divorce, that he cannot surf for women again. How do I ever believe anything he has told me in light of this? He has supposedly been spending time by himself, and not in the mindset to see anyone, so he said. I would be the first person he called when he straightened things out, so he said. He responded to me when I texted after four months, considered going to a christening and clearly shows he is attracted to me through the recent texts we had. Is there any logical or less jerk-like explanation for why he would be on a dating website after claiming all of this, or is he just a first class creep? I would love to give him the benefit of the doubt, but when you don't respond to plans you picked the day for, then don't respond to repeated phone calls and texts of concern, and then this--it is hard to see it any other way. Then, do I send him an e-mail or text letting him know that I am aware he is back on the site, so that he doesn't think that I am a fool? Or leave it alone for when he comes crawling back after some young, stupid girl screws him over? I hate to think I have been dealing with a Virgo liar and womanizer, because he did not seem that way😢

are you in a relationship or just dating?

you might have to accept that you can date multiple people simultaneously

arseholes are ones that try to get some happy endings out of those dates because dating is only getting to know someone not sleeping around

its about being time efficient when you are multiple dating, just there is a line you dont go over otherwise its a relationship

Ouch!That must have been awkward.

He just proved he doesn't want a relationship.

Run.LOL