I'm so confused

This is my first time here on this forum and I need help.I have to apologise in advance for my spelling /grammar ,I've been living in the US for a few years but I'm originally from Europe.I've been married for 5 years .My marriage was not a happy one mostly because I/m having a hard time adapting to the american life style ,It's hard to start a life in a foreign country with no family and friends to help you when in need and the worst is that I only have my husband who did not support me at all these years ,he left me alone whenever I needed him and I had a lot of problems here,he made me suffer and cry too much.I still stayed married to him because of fear of being alone( I have nobody here),not being able to support myself,and he convinced me of that over the years,that I/m no good.I became very depressed,my love for him was replaced by hate.I became withdrawn and I preferred to spend time alone,I stopped comunicating with him to avoid fighting.Then I met someone.A Virguy,I had a crush on him for a few months and he also noticed me,he knew that I was married and I also told him the first time we spoke.He pursued me and he was so nice at the begining just until he saw I was into him.Then he backed up,he didn't answer my txt msgs and I became to insistent asking for an answer.He got upset and for a week did not answer back.I appologised over and over until he gave me another chance.We met a few times but I am always the one to ask him to meet me.When we are together he is so passionate but in the presence of other people we don't even look at each other because they know I'm married and we dont want to get into trouble.I fell in love w him and i told him that.I wish I knew about this message board a few week earlier.I did all the things I souldn/t have according to many posts here.I became needy,clingy,Didn't stop contacting him even tough he wouldn't answer my messages,I went crazy ,I couldn't sleep at night,I couldn't eat,I went thorough hell for weeks.He txt me at one point telling me to leave him alone w very hurtful words but I still didn.t leave him alone,I couldn't let him go,it was too painful for me then.But after a few days I txted him saying I was sorry for every stupid thing I have said and done(,He knows I'm having a hard time with my marriage and that I want the divorce but It's not so easy for me to get out of my marriage for reasons I cannot talk about.) ,and I told him It's going to be hard for me but I'll get over him,

I told him I'll leave him alone,then after 3 days he wants to talk to me,witch was a big surprise and he said he understands that I act like this because this is a hard period of my life .Everything was fine,and it seems like he wants somehow to support me,he told me I should not be afraid of what's going to happen to me alone in this country,that i'll be okay.Then he says I'll talk to you later and of course he does not even try to see me.I stopped sending him messages every day,and stopped being so desperate after I started to read some of the messages here and understanding some things about virgos.I the mean time I am trying to find an apartment to move out of the house even tough my husband now wants us to try to work on our marriage.I can't do that,I cheated!I can't act like nothing happened and pretend everything will be allright.And I have strong feelings for the virguy but I know that our relationship was doomed from the very beginning.I still hope somehow we'll end up together.I sent him a message in witch I said I/m planning to move out and he said he was happy for me and that times will be better.I don't know what to do to win him,how to act,how to understand his actions and his mixed messages .I am affraid and lost.

Thank You HSD for your answer.I know there are soo many things I have to do right now and I am trying my best to stay sane.I am looking for professional help/therapist.It may help put some order in my thoughts .I'm trying to take some actions and not to become a victim of everything .I let myself be a victim for too many years even tough I always had a choice,just that fear in ruling my life .I know I have to start loving myself,respecting myself,trusting myself otherwise nobody else will.There are too many things going against me or maybe it's just my mind.I'm trying to take actions and I want to show him I'm not that vulnerable ,I don't need a savior but I do need help witch I probably won't get from him and I don't blame him,everybody has their problems.I guess I'm overwhelmed by my life situation right now ,and this anxiety doesn't help.I really want him for him and I am afraid to do anything cause I'll probably do something stupid again .He could.ve left me alone when I told him I won't bother him anymore but he didn't and he knows that my feelings for him are very strong.When I thought I can;t suffer any more than I allready did ..I met him and fell in love with him.I think about him all the time and he is smart enough to contact me just to keep me hanging on...or maybe he is real but is waiting on the side for me to take care of my problems?...I don't know what to do,I'm not very coherent and I'm still waiting for a therapist to contact me to make a first appointment.I have to think what to do w virguy.I don't want to lose him

Taurus,

If you don't want to lose him, just ask him to be a friend through this difficult time in your life. But stand on your own 2 feet whilst you do it. He's probably scared that you are clinging to him because you are vulnerable.

Virgo's usually have a tendency to want to help people out that are in difficult situations, but we don't want to get messed around by it all (i'm a virgo female). It sounds to me like he's standing clear while all your shit gets sorted out.

Considering the circumstances, I don't think you can assess the reason he is in your life at this point in time. My advice is to just keep him as a friend, and gain your independence. Once you've got your life under control again and you are happy & settled, that is the time to sit down and assess the situation.

There has been heaps of great advice in this thread. And honestly, you are so much stronger than you can imagine...Trust me on that!! Believe in yourself, get informed, get help and then get started on your new path in life. And don't let the fear hold you back any longer. Change usually brings good things with it. Good luck 🙂

I agree with oddball and most things said in here, as it pertains to VirGuys side and how he is probably processing this situation.

However, from your position, I see things a little differently.

According to what you've said above, you've known for quite some time that your marriage is wrong for you, but, because of circumstances and you feeling helpless in this situation ... you have remained with your husband regardless .. at the sake of being happy.

So, I don't agree with things like ... you need to get away, or you are strong enough .... because you already know what you need, and you aren't strong enough or you would have done it already.

By clinging onto something (a person in this situation), to look forward to, to hold onto .. is essentially, the tool you needed to move forward, past your emotional chains that held you to a marriage. It wasn't until this VirGuy came along, that you found the inner strength to even approach the reality that you needed to actually do soemthing about your marriage, rather than endure the suffering of it.

So, from my opinion, in this situation .... you NEED this reboundment of feelings. You NEED to have someone waiting for you on the other end to be able to walk through that door.

It's sort like quitting a habit ... you replace one for another. Or a diet .. you replace one food for another.

Certainly, rebound relationships never work out in the long run, I should think ... but, if this is what you need to find the strength, then it looks like a right path for you, if it provides to you your personal power you need to grow past your demons.

Sometimes, we need to lean on someone, other times we need for them to compeltely carry us ... if by him, or another man, provides you with the ability to take this drastic step in your life that is needed for you to do for your own sake of happiness, and emotional well-being .... then I believe that you SHOULD be placing your heart with this man at this time in your life.

Even if he isn't reciprocating it back to you .... keep projecting it forward. And you know what, he may get annoyed at the time, but, he's also expressed to you that he understands why you do it right now, because your life is very hard. He keeps contacting you because he realizes as well as I do .... that his attention is what you need in your life right now to walk through the door.

"Considering the circumstances, I don't think you can assess the reason he is in your life at this point in time. My advice is to just keep him as a friend, and gain your independence. Once you've got your life under control again and you are happy & settled, that is the time to sit down and assess the situation."


To be sure. If you need this man in your life right now to give you the ability to leave your marriage .... then embrace him, even if it's just friendship ... and once you're able to stand on your own 2 feet again .. then you can look at what this relationship with the man means to you, and if you can live with the terms of it.

And it wouldn't matter what it is waiting on the other side, person or object ... the goal is to free yourself from the emotional burden that is caged within the matrimony of marriage to a person you don't want to be with. Once you've succeeding in purging him out .. then you can work on how you feel about this Virgo man.

And you know .... he already knows this, taurusfem, that's why he said to you ...

"he understands that I act like this because this is a hard period of my life .Everything was fine,and it seems like he wants somehow to support me,he told me I should not be afraid of what's going to happen to me alone in this country,that i'll be okay."

hey taurasfem im in a similar position to you right now where i need to move on from a painful episode in my life. I would agree with everyone on heres comments, keep him as a friend but nothing else. You need to gain the strength within yourself to move on. Personally i split with my guy 3 months ago now (although only recieve final closure on friday) since we split i have had 3 offers of dates, lots of interest from guys (i have never had a problem in this respect) but i intend on being single now until i have found myself again and am a hundred percent free of my failed relationship. I never think it's a good idea to jump straight into something new because you carry your bagage with you and it just prolongs the suffering, deal with one thing at a time. If he REALLY cares for you he will wait, he wont go anywhere, just trust that.

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart.When I read your messages I started to cry,Thank you for giving me these advices and encouraging me when I need this sooo much.I think that from his (virguy-s) point of view You really are right.We met this Sat and he told me I need to sort out my problems,he won;t put himself in a situation where he can get into trouble and of course I don;t want him to.I asked him if he still wants us to continue to see each other and he said he does want that but it's difficult because we see each other almost everyday but we cannot speak to each other in the presence of others,we cannot use the phone so that my husband doesn't discover us somehow even tough he suspects that I'm cheating but has no evidence.I totally understand him .Regarding to me and my feelings P Angel saw it very clear I was not strong enough to get out of my marriage by myself otherwise I would have done that years ago,I am not strong enough in this country because I have everything to lose by putting myself alone out there.I have nightmares about what can happen to me,I have panic attacks and keep asking myself how will I live alone,walk on the streets alone,what if I will lose my job ?how will I support myself?where do I go?Where will I live,my husband will not let me stay in the apartment we live even tough he has so many friends that could help him.He will try to revenge when I will divorce .By falling in love with this guy,And i do love him with all my heart,a caught some strenght,I want to start beliveing in myself and be strong .I needed something to cling on to,maybe wake me up to reality ,my love for him gave me courage and hope that things may get better but my fear tells me that they can also get worse,but I am willing to try something,anything .I guess I was hoping for more help from him where he could have helped without problems but I am not going to force anything . In the same time I have to do this alone,it's very hard but it will make me stronger.And for keeping him just as a friend ...we went to far,he pushed it and I let him even tough I told him from the beginning I need a FRIEND not something else.He seems to be very attracted to me and I am attracted to him.I'm not going to lie I want to keep him close no matter what it takes .I am trying to regain my confidence ,to regain myself that I lost since I came here and I let others ruin it.I always cared about others more than I did care about myself,I don't want to hurt people

Look, Taurusfem .. LeoKitten has some solid advice and her checklist .. but, at the same time, you actually need another person to hold onto at this time. This Virgo man understands where you are coming from right now, and he realizes that you need him to lean on, even if he can't put forth any more effort because of circumstances.

I think he's being pretty upfront with you, while still letting you vent off to him your problems in life, and hardships.

You know, that is the definition of a friend. So, though, you want him for more right now .. he's actually being a friend by allowing you a place to find some kind of security, eventhough, it's temporary.

You are new to Virgo men, so you can trust me when I tell you that they are very reliable men. They will tell you exactly what they mean, and mean exactly what they say .. and right now, I think you need a friend who will tell you straight up, what they can to help you, so you aren't led astray. Right now, the last thing you need is someone leading you astray when you are already full of disappointments.

These men are solid, you can bank on them without any doubts .. that is to say, if you listen to what they say and not let any delusions fill your head.

Ask him straight out .... can you help me. I need to find a place to go, I know I need to get away from (husband), and I don't know where to go, what to do. I have fear of being alone in this city, and you are the only one I know who can point me in a direction that I can trust.


Tell him that ^^^^^ taurusfem, and he will help you as friend. Virgo men regard very highly, human beings in need.

You can do this ... don't be afraid ... trust me, I know Virgo's very well .. he won't lead you astray. If he has been honest and direct with how he feels, and about the terms of this relationship you have with him so far ==== then he is trustworthy.


Tell him you need all the things LeoKitten has on her list, and that you need to find a woman's group, so you have some other women who can relate to your plight ..... and he will help you find this, he will help you get your priorities straight. I promise !!!!!

"he told me I need to sort out my problems,he won;t put himself in a situation where he can get into trouble and of course I don;t want him to."


And he likely won't put himself in a situation, while realizing that you have problems that need sorting. But, he will point you in a direction, he will give you information of where to go, who to contact.

He will .. ask him.

Physically, he cannot help you .. he cannot allow you to stay with him, or go with you to these places, or say your name in association with him in any way .. he has to protect himself, and you.


But, if you ask him for information to guide you in a city where you are lost, and in a marriage in which you are unsure of how to get out of .. he'll "tell" you what you need to do.


Ask him ... ask him ....

I also agree about the money thing. You can easily squeeze money out that husband won't know about .. even if it's only 20 bucks here and there. Put the money aside in a secret account, to use when you are ready to exit.

I cannot thank you enough for your advice.It's true I/m lost in this country,I don't even know where to start or where to go.To answer to Leokitten:I make less than 2000 $ /mo but with extra hours sometimes I make that amount so I can afford a studio.Getting out of my marriage will leave me with visa issues but If I don't say anything about divorce to the people I work for hopefully I will be able to keep my job,because if not it will be hard in my situation to find a new job.I just hope I won't be kciked out of the country because going back home is not an option.That would be terrible.Nobody never asked anything about my visa before but you never know.I don't drive but fortunately I can use public transportation and I live pretty close to my workplace,I'm actually walking an hour everyday from home to work .I will try to move out,I started looking for an apartment .About virguy I did ask him for help and he did exactly like you said he will,meaning nothing actively but he did give me suggestions about finding a roommate or going to a women's shelter.He told me he lives with his mother and sister to save some money so he can;t stay with me.So I will start saving money .and I hope my husband will be correct enough to split the money in half but he did say he was payed more than I was so I'll have problems with him over the money.I don't care anymore,I am so dissapointed by everyone in my life right now including me .Right now I see only black in front of me,everything is falling apart and it happened so fast.I feel that things will get worse ,I feel that I don't know what to do with myself and I am aware I cannot rely on my virguy ,I saw that he will not do anything but I/m at this point in my life when i do need help.And I am terrified of being alone,TERRIFIED