Now what??

Ok. So I've casually mentioned to my virguy friend what my partner said about him being acceptable if i wanted to explore 'off-leash' areas. After i did so, he seemed to get much more open about some personal issues, but also get much more demanding about his boundaries with me.

He's trying to break it off with his ex-gf & her daughter. He's been totally used & abused and still loves them both. But he's going to al-anon meetings, seeing a counselor, and talking more to me and another friend.

In addition to that, it seems like he's getting more attached to me, but also getting more bossy with me. I sent him an email a bit ago 'splaining that my partner found him acceptable as a 'particular' friend, but never talked about it with him because i'm kind of shy about that sort of thing. He has serious issues with artificial smells, chemical products, etc. and has given me grief about my hair care products. Now he's going so far as to talk to me about wearing less make up too. He said his counselor was helping learn emotional boundaries wit hhis ex-gf, and physical boundaries with me (in terms of my 'product' usage).

Today i stopped by his house and he greeted me with open arms to hug me and a smile, but then stepped back like 'oh no you have hair spray on' and said something about me knowing the rules about his boundaries. That was rather hurtful. I got this total vibe of him trying to teach me something. He used to be more casual, willing to deal with whatever i was wearing, but today it was like oh if you do this, i do this, and you should remember & learn from that.

WTF?! I feel like in some ways we have crossed a lot of boundaries and he's trying to mold me the last little bit into someone he can 'live' with. But it's makes me have to flex my boundaries in ways i don't know if i want to for someone who is a casual friend. I told him that he wants changes from me that i have only given to intimate friends, and asked if that's what he wants. What do you virguys think? I won't change my ways casually, but i might for someone honorable and true...

The Saga continues!

Better than the "Bold and the Beautiful"!!!

Posted by Cajunspirit
The Saga continues!

Better than the "Bold and the Beautiful"!!!

Caj!! I need help!

Is he just being virgo-bossy, or is he trying to tell me 'deal-breaker' issues? I can be flexible when provoked, but not just to placate some personality twitch.

Posted by sandyclaws

Posted by Cajunspirit
The Saga continues!

Better than the "Bold and the Beautiful"!!!

Caj!! I need help!

Is he just being virgo-bossy, or is he trying to tell me 'deal-breaker' issues? I can be flexible when provoked, but not just to placate some personality twitch.

click to expand

foullllllllllllllllllllll lmao.

i hate when people try to change and i dont like when people do that 2 others be you and let others be themselves maybe cuz im stubborn and my aqua placements i like to be a free spirit dont not bond me or i will fly like the eagle i already i'm lol.

Posted by sandyclaws

Caj!! I need help!

Is he just being virgo-bossy, or is he trying to tell me 'deal-breaker' issues? I can be flexible when provoked, but not just to placate some personality twitch.

This recent information you revealed to him, would have certainly stirred his fancy.
But to me, it just sounds like he is going through a tough time. So long as you communicate how you feel properly, he should adjust.

Without intending to be rude and I know it's the guys advice your after and not mine, but been reading your posts for a while. You have your partners permission to bleep, there is no doubt in my mind you want to (yep you want the friendship too I appreciate) why not just confront/talk to him calmly and I stress calmly tell him what you want and let him do the rest....if he keeps talking hairspray and makeup then maybe he just wants a friend and his way of sayin without meaning to hurt your feelings! I could be way off just don't set your self up for something that might not be cos you sound like you have a sound friendship. Sorry if that sounds harsh but just how I'm reading and you shouldn't change yourself too much if he liked you the way you were to start with

@ Seadream - I hear you. I've pretty much decided it's more fun 'not to' and enjoy the friendship without getting into something awkward that can't be undone. I think my friend thinks similarly, though that doesn't mean we both don't enjoy pondering 'what ifs'. In any case, he's going through some really hard times, and I can best be his friend by helping him deal.

@ Virg-goki - I've noticed a patttern with my friend that I can see being repeated now. He'll get snappy about something I'm doing, to the point where if I were a normal cancer, I'd go off & pout. But I usually get kind of mad and snap something back to re-establish my own boundaries. I always think 'uh oh, there goes the friendship', but so far every time he seems to mellow out and find a middle ground in whatever the issues is, once I speak my piece.

I think he's so upset by the stuff his ex-gf recently pulled on him that he is trying to establish some control over what he can. We've really really gotten extremely personal in our conversations lately, talking through his troubles, and me sharing similar experiences. I kind of get teh vibe that he feels vested enough in our relationship that he can make more demands of me. That we're not on 'company manners' any more. I also kind of think if he did decide he wanted to check out any 'off-leash' activities, there's no way he would with me wearing my usual 'health & beauty' products, so he's trying to get me more in line with how he likes women to look that he's dating. Just a cancerian hunch though.

He did spend about 20 minutes saying the most lovely things about his opinion of my looks etc. He hasn't really ever done that, and it was pleasantly surprising 🙂

I'm sure that he thinks that you are pretty, that isn't the problem. He is going to these meetings and he is "learning" When a virgo "learns" something, boy do we remember and apply if we feel that it makes sense. Sometimes to a fault that we are unaware of. We think that we are helping. He has to understand that what he knows or has learned doesn't have to apply to everyone around him. If he wants to stop using chemicals then HE should be doing that. He is supposed to be your friend, right? Tell him that. Tell him that you two are just friends and that you can wear makeup, hairspray and clown pants if you really want to. If he is telling you that you're pretty, becoming more attatched and wants you to take off some of the makeup, then I think that he likes you more than just friends. If he does, then you two have a lot of things to establish. You should never allow a man to change you.

Posted by PlanetMercuryGirl
If he does, then you two have a lot of things to establish. You should never allow a man to change you.

That's a given.
Since I'm getting older, it's already been on my mind to transition to a lower profile look. Just been too lazy to do it. My partner has also mentioned she'd like it if I wore less product, but for different reasons. But with my friend, it's mainly that he has serious issues with the chemicals. The make up comments are just his preference, and kind of help me lean in a direction I was going anyway.

He's been putting up with physical distress from my hair spray & whatnot for a few years now. But as time goes by, we're hanging out more, and it's tough for him to 'fake it'. I previously thought he might be jerking my chain about it, using it as a way to push my buttons. But since we've been talking so much more closely, I know he has legitimate concerns. Given that knowledge, I have to decide either to change some of my product usage, or spend less time with him.

I ordered some samples of stuff made for people with chemical sensitivities, and he thanked me for trying to find a compromise. I think he's kind of embarassed about it, and embarassed at causing me hassle. I know at some point he made the choice to talk to me about it instead of putting our friendship on the chill, and I respect that.

As for the friends/more-than thing, I think I will just continue to be there while he's going through such a tough time, and not push things one way or another. His heart is pretty well battered right now, and I think he gets comfort from being able to hang out, talk, flirt, relax, with no pressure or expectations. I'm enjoying the process of becoming better friends, and practicing not letting my cancerian shell or claws get in the way 😉