lovemedead84
@lovemedead84
16 YearsCancer
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The Virgo B*stard
That penetrating Virgo gaze will turn you into a quivering mass of neuroses in no time. Yes, you could choose to do it with the lights off, but then you won't be able to see him reach under the bed for his icepick.
It goes without saying he??ll also put your domestic habits under the microscope.
If you??re the kind of girl who thinks housework means waving a vacuum cleaner in the general direction of the living-room, you??re going to drive Virgo insane (which takes quite a lot of doing, since —drive?? and —Virgo?? don't exactly go hand in hand). Likewise, if your idea of cleaning the bathtub consists of chucking in a bar of soap whilst douching, prepare for problems.
Of course, we??re not for one moment suggesting you??ll end up on his things-to-do list. And look on the bright side anyway: ending up dead will be a lot less painful in the long run than putting up with his incessant nagging. Virgo??s obsession with your domestic hygiene borders on the pathological. The reason for this is obvious to everyone save fat detectives stalking serial killers.
Leave him to his own devices and he's wont to sit quite happily in his own mess for months at a time. However, if you keep his house sparkling clean, the people from forensic aren't going to be able to pick up stray hair, blood and bone off the living room carpet.
Having said all this, there is one vice authors habitually omit when describing Virgo??s less endearing qualities. And that's because they are even too appalled to put it down on paper. Whippings and beatings they can happily handle. Lashings of liver and buckets of blood they can just about stomach. But let's not talk about [insert stage-managed whisper here] his spending habits.
It would be a gross miscarriage of justice to call Virgo mean with money. —Mean?? is an inoffensive little word that cannot hope to conjure up the penurious ways of this ******* . Instead, try calling him —an outrageous tightwad who would
steal the coins out of a blind man??s hat if he thought no one was looking??.
Virgo is so careful with his cash; he never actually leaves home with it. However, he's quite willing to let you spend yours — usually on expensive suits for him to replace the bloodstained ones he??d had put into the drycleaners. As with all his other bad behavior, there is a deep-rooted psychological excuse for his skinflint shenanigans: since his clients don't pay him for the work he does on their behalf, nor d
It goes without saying he??ll also put your domestic habits under the microscope.
If you??re the kind of girl who thinks housework means waving a vacuum cleaner in the general direction of the living-room, you??re going to drive Virgo insane (which takes quite a lot of doing, since —drive?? and —Virgo?? don't exactly go hand in hand). Likewise, if your idea of cleaning the bathtub consists of chucking in a bar of soap whilst douching, prepare for problems.
Of course, we??re not for one moment suggesting you??ll end up on his things-to-do list. And look on the bright side anyway: ending up dead will be a lot less painful in the long run than putting up with his incessant nagging. Virgo??s obsession with your domestic hygiene borders on the pathological. The reason for this is obvious to everyone save fat detectives stalking serial killers.
Leave him to his own devices and he's wont to sit quite happily in his own mess for months at a time. However, if you keep his house sparkling clean, the people from forensic aren't going to be able to pick up stray hair, blood and bone off the living room carpet.
Having said all this, there is one vice authors habitually omit when describing Virgo??s less endearing qualities. And that's because they are even too appalled to put it down on paper. Whippings and beatings they can happily handle. Lashings of liver and buckets of blood they can just about stomach. But let's not talk about [insert stage-managed whisper here] his spending habits.
It would be a gross miscarriage of justice to call Virgo mean with money. —Mean?? is an inoffensive little word that cannot hope to conjure up the penurious ways of this ******* . Instead, try calling him —an outrageous tightwad who would
steal the coins out of a blind man??s hat if he thought no one was looking??.
Virgo is so careful with his cash; he never actually leaves home with it. However, he's quite willing to let you spend yours — usually on expensive suits for him to replace the bloodstained ones he??d had put into the drycleaners. As with all his other bad behavior, there is a deep-rooted psychological excuse for his skinflint shenanigans: since his clients don't pay him for the work he does on their behalf, nor d
HOW TO SPOT ONE
If he looks vaguely familiar, that's because he is. You probably saw an artist's sketchy impression on Crime Spotters the night before and faintly remember words like —bludgeoned??, —manhunt?? and —Virgo??. However, he's much more attractive in the flesh. He's well groomed and often fair of hair — like most serial killers in most killer serials. Just look for the cool, calm, collected one doing nothing but staring disconcertingly at you from across the room.
WHERE TO FIND ONE
Holding up bank queues querying bank charges. Loitering outside self-motivation seminars. Loitering inside the Army Reserves. In a public lavatory wiping the evidence off his hands. In a maximum-security psychiatric ward complaining the warden put his jacket on back to front and, furthermore, it doesn't go with his trousers.
HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Mention your inheritance in casual conversation. At the same time, run your finger seductively up and down the bar counter and comment upon the disgraceful amount of dust there.
THE FIRST DATE
When he eventually gets around to asking you out, he??ll take to one of those Hare Krishna centers where for less than 50 cents you can have all the lentils you do not wish to eat! (Handy hint: don't insincerely offer to split the bill unless you genuinely want to get rid of all the small change in the bottom of your handbag.) Be on your guard if, towards the end of the evening, he says he knows this great little spot for an after-dinner drink and it happens to be a cellar, atop a cliff or up a dark alley.
WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Don't. The Virgo b*stard does for sex what Hannibal Lector did for the Beef and
Livestock Corporation.
WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
What question are we talking about here? —When you polish your faucet in future can you also remember to clean the bathtub—, —How come I'm paying for dinner again— or —Why do you wax the hair on your chest when you??ve got so little on your head—
IF HE DROPS YOU
Like most things in Virgo??s life, he??ll probably never get around to it. If he does, it's obviously because you didn't keep his shower recess clean enough or file his grocery receipts properly. Either that or you flicked through the mug shots at the local police station, pointed to his face and said —That's him. That's the low-life who loaned me 40 cents to make an emergency phone call after he attempted to hack me to death.??
IF YOU DROP HIM
He?
If he looks vaguely familiar, that's because he is. You probably saw an artist's sketchy impression on Crime Spotters the night before and faintly remember words like —bludgeoned??, —manhunt?? and —Virgo??. However, he's much more attractive in the flesh. He's well groomed and often fair of hair — like most serial killers in most killer serials. Just look for the cool, calm, collected one doing nothing but staring disconcertingly at you from across the room.
WHERE TO FIND ONE
Holding up bank queues querying bank charges. Loitering outside self-motivation seminars. Loitering inside the Army Reserves. In a public lavatory wiping the evidence off his hands. In a maximum-security psychiatric ward complaining the warden put his jacket on back to front and, furthermore, it doesn't go with his trousers.
HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE
Mention your inheritance in casual conversation. At the same time, run your finger seductively up and down the bar counter and comment upon the disgraceful amount of dust there.
THE FIRST DATE
When he eventually gets around to asking you out, he??ll take to one of those Hare Krishna centers where for less than 50 cents you can have all the lentils you do not wish to eat! (Handy hint: don't insincerely offer to split the bill unless you genuinely want to get rid of all the small change in the bottom of your handbag.) Be on your guard if, towards the end of the evening, he says he knows this great little spot for an after-dinner drink and it happens to be a cellar, atop a cliff or up a dark alley.
WHEN TO DO THE DEED
Don't. The Virgo b*stard does for sex what Hannibal Lector did for the Beef and
Livestock Corporation.
WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION
What question are we talking about here? —When you polish your faucet in future can you also remember to clean the bathtub—, —How come I'm paying for dinner again— or —Why do you wax the hair on your chest when you??ve got so little on your head—
IF HE DROPS YOU
Like most things in Virgo??s life, he??ll probably never get around to it. If he does, it's obviously because you didn't keep his shower recess clean enough or file his grocery receipts properly. Either that or you flicked through the mug shots at the local police station, pointed to his face and said —That's him. That's the low-life who loaned me 40 cents to make an emergency phone call after he attempted to hack me to death.??
IF YOU DROP HIM
He?
IF YOU DROP HIM
He??ll be ominously, quietly hurt. And just when you think you??re rid of him, he??ll appear from behind, accompanied by dodgy camera angles and predictable cello solo. Don't think he's hiding a bunch of flowers behind his back — flowers cost money. No, the thing in his hand, behind his back is that ********* icepick again!
He??ll be ominously, quietly hurt. And just when you think you??re rid of him, he??ll appear from behind, accompanied by dodgy camera angles and predictable cello solo. Don't think he's hiding a bunch of flowers behind his back — flowers cost money. No, the thing in his hand, behind his back is that ********* icepick again!
What's this about aye?
It's a book Cajun, entitled "How To Spot A Bastard By His Star Sign".
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- Enjoy repeating the same tedious task in the same mind numbing fashion.
- Have an unhealthy obsession with the little details — details normal people can't be bothered with because they??ve got lives.
- Be too thick-skinned to notice people crossing to the opposite side of the street when they see you.
- Write checklists to ensure you do everything you keep threatening to do.
If you??re currently in love with Virgo and you don't want to believe the truth (—He seems such a nice, quiet, unassuming kind of guy??) pick up any detective novel that features an ice-pick wielding nutter and then try telling us he doesn't remind you of someone you know and its all just a bunch of alarming coincidences.
Let's face it, massive generalizations and sweeping statements aside, the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. Like the odd little habits Serial Killer slash Virgo picked up in childhood. Even if you replace pulling wings off insects with stamp collecting, exchange bed wetting for train-spotting and substitute a fascination with lighting fires for an unhealthy interest in algebra, you??ve got to admit the similarities are pretty disturbing.
This budding Bates is so spine-tinglingly awful, his own mother encourages him to take lollies off strangers and tries to lose him in shopping centers. If she's lucky — and he takes her advice about only crossing roads when the red man is flashing — she won't have to put up with him telling her how to defrost her fridge correctly.
Then there's the usual (yawn) teenage angst that turns the slightly creepy, skinny youth into a veritable walking time bomb. A traumatic experience, like the fact people make it patently obvious they hate his guts because he's so bloody anal, is a good place to start. His well-scrubbed, clean-cut features and neatly creased trousers make it only right that other boys should want to beat him up. The fact he can't understand why they pick on him, gives them all the more reason to do so. And who can blame the girls for refusing to kiss him behind the school lavatory?
To do so means he??d be close enough to scrutinize them. Serial Killer-slash-Virgo is such a nitpicker he won't just see the spots on their chins, he??ll also see the blackhead