JustwonderingGem
@JustwonderingGem
14 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 8 · Topics: 2
Did I push him away for good?
*stressful job. The next day he hasn't received this e-mail and asks me to hang out. I tell him mortified about this e-mail and after he read I got an explosive text about him never falling for me because his family would never accept me. (He is Muslim, I am white. This has been a HUGE issue to him and his reason why we cannot be in a relationship.) He said I used him because I was lonely and all kinds of other stuff that in retrospect had some truth to it. However, as he ALWAYS blew up my phone when I said I was leaving, I figured I'd try to work things out with him. I sent him some texts that night (and explained in the e-mail) that while I hear him loud and clear that he is not romantically interested in me, I needed time away from him to emotionally get over that idea. The next day I told him I would like to talk and he said no that he did not care anymore. I said I understood. About a week and a half later, I sent a joke to him thinking he would have gotten over things (I mean he claimed I was his best female friend) but he replied "Please leave me alone!" I said to relax I didn't realize I was supposed to forget he existed and just got "Bye" in response. Another week and a half goes by and I send him an e-mail reminiscing on a happy memory and telling that I miss his friendship and hope it is not ruined forever. Another week and a half and I send an e-mail detailing how I am sorry that I have taken all of my work anger out on him and that I do hope he still cares to be in my life.
I realize I did not communicate with him properly and put relationship pressure on him when things would have been much healthier with proper communication and slowing things down. I just wonder, since I've explained that my outburst aren't directly because of him, will he come back or is it too much drama and he's gone for good?
I realize I did not communicate with him properly and put relationship pressure on him when things would have been much healthier with proper communication and slowing things down. I just wonder, since I've explained that my outburst aren't directly because of him, will he come back or is it too much drama and he's gone for good?
wow. haha i swear this month the aqua postings have been blowing up about aquas in relationships. oh dear..
1) "mentally in love with me but not physically" and that we could have a relationship although he doesn't feel that way about me. Eh?
- curious what did you respond to that? did you ask him anything in regards like "what do you mean? if you don't feel that way then why be in a relationship?"..define his definition of relationship..sometimes we use innuendos.
oh god. sounds like my relatinship with my gemini bf. i confuse the fuck out of him haha..i have no idea what i do that confuses him.
he is gone. i think despite your part of the story...i think he feels you play games a lot. mind games. rather just saying what really is bothering you (keep in mind...he already knows the answer.) But because you dont get straight to point he could also be feeling a bit untrusting of you as well. that its just not real enough perhaps for a relationship. mentally yes bantering can be cool. but because of the "something is missing" "something about her ...i cannot put my finger on it. but i just feel she plays mind games a lot" then goes through this year of validating himself. now , perhaps you validated all that he thought.
1) "mentally in love with me but not physically" and that we could have a relationship although he doesn't feel that way about me. Eh?
- curious what did you respond to that? did you ask him anything in regards like "what do you mean? if you don't feel that way then why be in a relationship?"..define his definition of relationship..sometimes we use innuendos.
oh god. sounds like my relatinship with my gemini bf. i confuse the fuck out of him haha..i have no idea what i do that confuses him.
he is gone. i think despite your part of the story...i think he feels you play games a lot. mind games. rather just saying what really is bothering you (keep in mind...he already knows the answer.) But because you dont get straight to point he could also be feeling a bit untrusting of you as well. that its just not real enough perhaps for a relationship. mentally yes bantering can be cool. but because of the "something is missing" "something about her ...i cannot put my finger on it. but i just feel she plays mind games a lot" then goes through this year of validating himself. now , perhaps you validated all that he thought.
but he also likes you and sees plenty of good traits...so he goes back and forth ..back and forth tyring to figure out if he's thoughts about you. but then you have days when its good and hes calm. but then reality sets in...you said something or did something that made a pattern in his head. and its leaning to the same idea and thought ..that he originally forgot about during that great fun days. and then he forgets bout it again. then BAM he realizes one day , that he is right after all. and he is done.
ohh. I did tell him I knew he was probably wary of my continuously telling to him go and that I was sorry about that. I've told him a couple of times that these outbursts are deep rooted in career frustrations and not because of him and that I'm sorry I take them out on him but if he just stood by me and offered constructive criticism, I do grow from them. That's kind of shitty if he takes off like that in my opinion. I heard him out so many times but...I guess that was me and he is him.
To answer your questions though, at that moment my heart broke and I shut down. I didn't say anything except "Then that's it." Lesson learned, communicate clearly.
To answer your questions though, at that moment my heart broke and I shut down. I didn't say anything except "Then that's it." Lesson learned, communicate clearly.
Bull.
Stop apologizing & making excuses.
You want a relationship, not just for the sake of being in one, but b/c you love him, therefore you feel you deserve his official companionship.
Sounds like you're blaiming your career & other frustrations in your life for why you crave commitment so bad. And you only do this around the time he seems distant or "insulted" that you expect such a title.
You're having these outbursts & these sudden urges to leave b/c you're like most of us in that if someone continually refuses to give you what you want/deserve, it WILL bother you. It's supposed to!
Woman up! He's NOT ready to be in a relationship with you OR with anyone period. If you haven't been able to change that since you've been dealing with him, what makes you think this will change now or in 6 months?
You're making the fatal mistake like alot of other women do in these types of situations. Instead of believing him the FIRST time when he said he didn't want to be with you, you decided to stay & give MORE of your energy/time/body even though he's shown you that you doing so wasn't good enough or wouldn't change his mind.
What happens next? Months/years down the road you realize that nope, NOTHING changed & then you'll grow to resent him AND yourself b/c you'll realize that you wasted time...time that you won't ever get back...time you could've spent with someone else who DID/DOES want you.
Obviously, him limiting himself to only liking you "emotionally" is NOT enough for you. And it shouldn't be. You deserve a man who will love ALL of you, not lead you on & only say what you wanna hear conveinantly around the time you finally get tired & decide to leave.
At this point, it's all on YOU. You know what it is, you just refuse to leave. And you justify staying by bringing up the little half-loyalties that he tells you, when you know deep down that you won't feel content/right until he finally agrees to give you ALL of what you want. Rightfully so, you don't want a part-time lover or someone who thinks you're "kind of" good enough.
You're putting yourself in a situation where he can easily come back & say, "Well, I told you that I didn't want a relationship, so TECHNICALLY (ugh I hate that word) you can't get mad." And if he ever says that to you, he's right.
He's not making you stay. YOU are. If you can't deal with who HE is, leave. Stop torturing yourself by staying in a situation that doesn't produce the desired results
Stop apologizing & making excuses.
You want a relationship, not just for the sake of being in one, but b/c you love him, therefore you feel you deserve his official companionship.
Sounds like you're blaiming your career & other frustrations in your life for why you crave commitment so bad. And you only do this around the time he seems distant or "insulted" that you expect such a title.
You're having these outbursts & these sudden urges to leave b/c you're like most of us in that if someone continually refuses to give you what you want/deserve, it WILL bother you. It's supposed to!
Woman up! He's NOT ready to be in a relationship with you OR with anyone period. If you haven't been able to change that since you've been dealing with him, what makes you think this will change now or in 6 months?
You're making the fatal mistake like alot of other women do in these types of situations. Instead of believing him the FIRST time when he said he didn't want to be with you, you decided to stay & give MORE of your energy/time/body even though he's shown you that you doing so wasn't good enough or wouldn't change his mind.
What happens next? Months/years down the road you realize that nope, NOTHING changed & then you'll grow to resent him AND yourself b/c you'll realize that you wasted time...time that you won't ever get back...time you could've spent with someone else who DID/DOES want you.
Obviously, him limiting himself to only liking you "emotionally" is NOT enough for you. And it shouldn't be. You deserve a man who will love ALL of you, not lead you on & only say what you wanna hear conveinantly around the time you finally get tired & decide to leave.
At this point, it's all on YOU. You know what it is, you just refuse to leave. And you justify staying by bringing up the little half-loyalties that he tells you, when you know deep down that you won't feel content/right until he finally agrees to give you ALL of what you want. Rightfully so, you don't want a part-time lover or someone who thinks you're "kind of" good enough.
You're putting yourself in a situation where he can easily come back & say, "Well, I told you that I didn't want a relationship, so TECHNICALLY (ugh I hate that word) you can't get mad." And if he ever says that to you, he's right.
He's not making you stay. YOU are. If you can't deal with who HE is, leave. Stop torturing yourself by staying in a situation that doesn't produce the desired results
He is NOT emotionally available.
He may hang with you, tell you sweet nothings in your ear & hell, he may even put up a fight when you're ready to leave, BUT if you're having trouble seeing the situation for what it really is (reality), then perhaps you oughta pay more attention to what he WON'T say/do.
He's like a lot of men in that even if they don't care 2 shxts about you, they'll still put up a fight when you're ready to leave. It's not the loss of you as a person that they despise. It's the loss of whatever benefits/gains you brought to his life. And for some men, those "benefits" are sex, & to some, it's other things.
It doesn't matter why he's not ready for committment at this point. It only did in the beginning, when every woman gets 1 or 2 attempts at changing his mind.
But now look at where you 2 are...nothing has changed, which means that the chances of him magically waking up 1 day & realizing that you're worth it is about 1% .
Trust me, he's already seen your worth. He's already seen you for all you have to offer. He's already decided what placement he's put you into (category). And he's obviously CONTENT with that decision. And the proof that he's content in that decision is in the fact that you STILL DON'T have the title.
Even if his resistance to commit comes from inward insecurity & fear, you continually staying around WON'T help, b/c those are issues he'll have to deal with himself.
And if you both love eachother like you claim, you'll love eachother ENOUGH & have ENOUGH faith to leave the situation, until BOTH of you can come back & agree to give the relationship/eachother a chance to have what the BOTH of you deserve.
You can keep being loyal & standing by his side all you want. That'll only work if YOU are the reason he won't commit. But I doubt it. It's HIM. And you can't fix/solve a puzzle unless you have the RIGHT puzzle pieces.
You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Tell him to call you & come back WHEN/IF he's ready to give you what you deserve FULL TIME, not part time. And IF he's LUCKY, you may still be single & may not have found your REAL prince by then. IF he's lucky
He may hang with you, tell you sweet nothings in your ear & hell, he may even put up a fight when you're ready to leave, BUT if you're having trouble seeing the situation for what it really is (reality), then perhaps you oughta pay more attention to what he WON'T say/do.
He's like a lot of men in that even if they don't care 2 shxts about you, they'll still put up a fight when you're ready to leave. It's not the loss of you as a person that they despise. It's the loss of whatever benefits/gains you brought to his life. And for some men, those "benefits" are sex, & to some, it's other things.
It doesn't matter why he's not ready for committment at this point. It only did in the beginning, when every woman gets 1 or 2 attempts at changing his mind.
But now look at where you 2 are...nothing has changed, which means that the chances of him magically waking up 1 day & realizing that you're worth it is about 1% .
Trust me, he's already seen your worth. He's already seen you for all you have to offer. He's already decided what placement he's put you into (category). And he's obviously CONTENT with that decision. And the proof that he's content in that decision is in the fact that you STILL DON'T have the title.
Even if his resistance to commit comes from inward insecurity & fear, you continually staying around WON'T help, b/c those are issues he'll have to deal with himself.
And if you both love eachother like you claim, you'll love eachother ENOUGH & have ENOUGH faith to leave the situation, until BOTH of you can come back & agree to give the relationship/eachother a chance to have what the BOTH of you deserve.
You can keep being loyal & standing by his side all you want. That'll only work if YOU are the reason he won't commit. But I doubt it. It's HIM. And you can't fix/solve a puzzle unless you have the RIGHT puzzle pieces.
You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Tell him to call you & come back WHEN/IF he's ready to give you what you deserve FULL TIME, not part time. And IF he's LUCKY, you may still be single & may not have found your REAL prince by then. IF he's lucky
It's 2011. STOP waiting around for someone to like you ENOUGH or feel that you're worth it.
The longer you stay, the more you're ENABLING him to give you only half of what you deserve.
Actions speak louder than words. You can argue, put up a fight & swear that you won't put up with his bull anymore, BUT he's not hearing you out b/c the REAL message you're sending him every time you come back to him is that him giving you the minimum IS ok.
He knows that he can wheel you back in by saying things you wanna hear & then BAM, he goes right back to the same ole cycle.
YOU have to break the cycle & take some of the control back. It's YOUR life, your time, your heart & your energy on the line here! Use it wisely!
The longer you stay, the more you're ENABLING him to give you only half of what you deserve.
Actions speak louder than words. You can argue, put up a fight & swear that you won't put up with his bull anymore, BUT he's not hearing you out b/c the REAL message you're sending him every time you come back to him is that him giving you the minimum IS ok.
He knows that he can wheel you back in by saying things you wanna hear & then BAM, he goes right back to the same ole cycle.
YOU have to break the cycle & take some of the control back. It's YOUR life, your time, your heart & your energy on the line here! Use it wisely!
Wow, those words have nothing to do with astrology...it's just the truth! Thanks! I don't care to be in a relationship just for the sake of one and I can't make him see me for anymore than I most definitely already have shown. If he's not into it, he's not. I'm not into being just his "best friend" either. This is great for getting an unbiased wake the hell up and go!! I'm glad you said woman up and NOT deal with it as his words were MAN up and deal with it. Thanks again for taking the time to write this : )
just broke up wiht an aquarius ... I have an aqua. moon.
I always got the feeling that it was a "what's in it for him" kind of deal.
He is busy with job and other activities, so am I. But I MAKE time for him...he shuts me out at his leisure.
It's when I dont see him but (3) times in a month and we live (2) blocks from ea. other...uh, I'm sorry, I'm not needy, I dont have high expectations as a girlfriend...but, if you really want to see someone- you will. a sometimey boyfriend to eat and get drunk wtih is not my idea of a fruitful relationship.
Now that winter months are over with ... ah, when we went out a few times he'd rack up the bill, put other people's tabs on it and then ask me for my credit card after I'd paid and closed out the first tab we ran...I was like, what the hell!!... his addictions were/are probably never going to stop
after buttering me up for months on how I'm the one only to tell me that he cant meet my expectations?? Ya, I get that youre busy, but not seeing me for over a week, you have time to go for a ride on the Harley, but not to hang out with me for more than (5) minutes?? whatever...so I blew up at him, after he canceled on me, again...and told him I'm not someone to have around for the hell of it. You want an accessory, buy a damn purse- I dont need a purse I need a partner. I dont need anything else to dangle from my arm.
Now it doesnt help that he has a bad back right now and is scheduled to drum a musical ... he's cancelling on that... but, I've been patient for over a month with his schedule ... oh hell, if it wasnt something now...it would have been something later. I dont expect to always be around someone, but dont have me over 3-4 nites a week during winter, cold, crappy weather, and once SPRING hits...it's goodbye Sally. Screw you.
We never fought for months...and one day he tells a story about how someone asked him if we had issues...he tells me "No, i told them"...we dont fight, nothing...well whaddya know, couple weeks later- we're arguing about the dumbest things ever. He says another time how we hadnt been apart for more than (2) days in several months...we hadnt...only for him to cancel on me and create distance between us...it was like a Weather Forecast ... get ready for what's coming.
I always got the feeling that it was a "what's in it for him" kind of deal.
He is busy with job and other activities, so am I. But I MAKE time for him...he shuts me out at his leisure.
It's when I dont see him but (3) times in a month and we live (2) blocks from ea. other...uh, I'm sorry, I'm not needy, I dont have high expectations as a girlfriend...but, if you really want to see someone- you will. a sometimey boyfriend to eat and get drunk wtih is not my idea of a fruitful relationship.
Now that winter months are over with ... ah, when we went out a few times he'd rack up the bill, put other people's tabs on it and then ask me for my credit card after I'd paid and closed out the first tab we ran...I was like, what the hell!!... his addictions were/are probably never going to stop
after buttering me up for months on how I'm the one only to tell me that he cant meet my expectations?? Ya, I get that youre busy, but not seeing me for over a week, you have time to go for a ride on the Harley, but not to hang out with me for more than (5) minutes?? whatever...so I blew up at him, after he canceled on me, again...and told him I'm not someone to have around for the hell of it. You want an accessory, buy a damn purse- I dont need a purse I need a partner. I dont need anything else to dangle from my arm.
Now it doesnt help that he has a bad back right now and is scheduled to drum a musical ... he's cancelling on that... but, I've been patient for over a month with his schedule ... oh hell, if it wasnt something now...it would have been something later. I dont expect to always be around someone, but dont have me over 3-4 nites a week during winter, cold, crappy weather, and once SPRING hits...it's goodbye Sally. Screw you.
We never fought for months...and one day he tells a story about how someone asked him if we had issues...he tells me "No, i told them"...we dont fight, nothing...well whaddya know, couple weeks later- we're arguing about the dumbest things ever. He says another time how we hadnt been apart for more than (2) days in several months...we hadnt...only for him to cancel on me and create distance between us...it was like a Weather Forecast ... get ready for what's coming.
He claim he was broke and then turned around and bought an expensive drum set... ok, I dont have authority to say what you buy...but, tell me youre saving for something and I'd be more than supportive...always leaving me with the tab you cheap ass was wrong.
I love these forums...for my venting pleasure...
ugh, you know the one thing that has almost always held true... never compromise who you are fro the sake of a relationship...sometimes we do things that deep down youre like (what the hell am I doing?)...
he promised things he would do and when it came time to walk the talk, well, he walked.
fuck it.
either he's into someone else, or he was never that into me.
at this point, I can get back to who I've wanted to be and where I'm going...with a lot less baggage.
I love these forums...for my venting pleasure...
ugh, you know the one thing that has almost always held true... never compromise who you are fro the sake of a relationship...sometimes we do things that deep down youre like (what the hell am I doing?)...
he promised things he would do and when it came time to walk the talk, well, he walked.
fuck it.
either he's into someone else, or he was never that into me.
at this point, I can get back to who I've wanted to be and where I'm going...with a lot less baggage.
fuck him. he'll be back, it's just up to you to decide if you want to continue to be part of his roster of women just like you. well I see that's the case for mine anyways. Facebook stalking will for sure leave you broken hearted but the truth hurts and eventually sets you free!
ya, I know the first thing is to say he's cheating...but, no, I thnk he liked me to feel jealous of him...and I saw thru it and didnt budge when it was obvious what he was doing. But, he's not really a player either. Not one to just jump from one chick to another...we're a lot older than college aged ... but, infidelity can be at any...break ups suck...and as for FB, I totally shut mine down... he removed me as his GF, fine, I removed him altogether, but as he's a local public figure...his is more open than mine is... if his friends and/or family dissed me...I didnt want to be around when it happened...his daughter hinted around at evil while posting...but, you know, whatever. She's a "kid" protecting her dad...no worries.
aquas are always struggling between the heart or the mind...
im a walking contradiction
im a walking contradiction
Posted by 22k
aquas are always struggling between the heart or the mind...
im a walking contradiction
Yeah but there's only so long someone will put up with this or be "understanding."
Plus, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference b/w someone who is generally acting confused b/c they can't help it vs. someone who is playing mind games & is just trying to suck you dry, manipulate you & lead you on.
@The original poster: You're right. You shouldn't feel bad for wanting a relationship with someone you care about. After all, that's what people do. That's the whole point/goal: 2 people end up liking eachother, therefore they naturally agree to take it to the next level. And if 1 or both people knew up front that they wouldn't allow things to progress further even if the other person does/says everything RIGHT, that's dead wrong & unfair.
If someone refuses to give you what you want/deserve, at some point, you've gotta stop asking them why they're not giving you those things, suck it up, see the reality & take it for what it is.
Most of the people who claim they want a relationship are dead serious. And guess what? Most of the people who claim they're not ready for a relationship are dead serious!
You've gotta get to a point where you acknowledge that you're NOT wrong for asking for the very things that you want. No, don't go backwards & start trying to falsely convince yourself that you don't have a right to have expectations. You absolutely do. The only problem is that in life, you'll learn that only 50% of the people you actually DO want/like will be willing to meet/fulfill those expectations.
And when they don't give you what you want, that's when it's time for YOU to move on. Not keep harping or keep asking someone to give you the very same thing(s) that they've told you 100 times they can't/refuse/aren't ready to give. Sucks, but that's the gamble/risk we take when we invest in someone. We naturally ASSUME that things will progress to higher levels, but sometimes they don't
Posted by JustwonderingGem
*stressful job. The next day he hasn't received this e-mail and asks me to hang out. I tell him mortified about this e-mail and after he read I got an explosive text about him never falling for me because his family would never accept me. (He is Muslim, I am white. This has been a HUGE issue to him and his reason why we cannot be in a relationship.) He said I used him because I was lonely and all kinds of other stuff that in retrospect had some truth to it. However, as he ALWAYS blew up my phone when I said I was leaving, I figured I'd try to work things out with him. I sent him some texts that night (and explained in the e-mail) that while I hear him loud and clear that he is not romantically interested in me, I needed time away from him to emotionally get over that idea. The next day I told him I would like to talk and he said no that he did not care anymore. I said I understood. About a week and a half later, I sent a joke to him thinking he would have gotten over things (I mean he claimed I was his best female friend) but he replied "Please leave me alone!" I said to relax I didn't realize I was supposed to forget he existed and just got "Bye" in response. Another week and a half goes by and I send him an e-mail reminiscing on a happy memory and telling that I miss his friendship and hope it is not ruined forever. Another week and a half and I send an e-mail detailing how I am sorry that I have taken all of my work anger out on him and that I do hope he still cares to be in my life.
I realize I did not communicate with him properly and put relationship pressure on him when things would have been much healthier with proper communication and slowing things down. I just wonder, since I've explained that my outburst aren't directly because of him, will he come back or is it too much drama and he's gone for good?
I got so frustrated as I kept reading your post. Why are you doing this to yourself? He clearly stated he doesn't want anything. Aquarius or not, men are straightforward creatures. Just grasp yourself together and move on. Don't fall for his childish bull! Mentally in love but physically not? That's such a lame way to run his ass off... Do you really need unavailable man in your life? Think about it...
All the best to you!
Ergghhhh,,,,i feel like such a loser asshole! I went three whole weeks with no contact and then sent him a stupid little funny nothing to which he responded with an invite to a party! I declined the party but then asked how it was. That was met with complete aloofness : (
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I met him at a bar and did sleep with him and push for a relationship early in. He has gone from not being ready for a relationship to never being able to be in a relationship with me to really caring about me and would like a girl just like me to hey we are basically in a relationship but without the title and back and around again. AHHH!
I got his brother a job with me and ended up becoming really close to his close group of friends as they all ended up working where I did. Apparently they all have nothing but good things to say. He has said his family (i.e. mom and dad, nothing about extended family) would love me and sends me photos and videos of them but has never introduced me, although he claims to have thought about doing so.
From March 10-December 10, I put up with a lot. Saw many bad things but didn't judge and listened to whatever it was he had to say. Throughout this entire time, there were many instances I said I could not be his friend, I wanted more, and he had to go but he just did not take that for an answer. Finally, one night in December he stood me up and I told him to stop calling me and I would stop calling him. One week later I get a phone call at 2am asking if I had Microsoft Word. The very next day, things started up again as I got a freelance job opportunity in California (we're in NY) and offered Microsoft for his hotel discounts. From that point on things were much different. I could tell he cared but with the past it was so difficult to accept. 3 times I told him I could not be his friend. The first time, he again did not take that for an answer, the second time he accepted it and this is when he told me he was mentally in love but not physically but we could have a relationship but he also said he didn't feel that way. The next day and for the entire week he posts all of this heartbreak on facebook. I felt horrible. I told him I missed him, he came back, told me to stop testing him and we were great friends for about a month. Then, he again got kind of distant and I got kind of needy. He told me I was being needy, then he made an innapropriate joke on facebook that just didn't sit right with me and instead of talking it out, I wrote an e-mail saying I couldn't deal with him and a stres