Need Help with a Sensitive Situation

I've been singing with a band occasionally for the last 5 years. One of them is an Aqua. When we first met there was an obvious physical attraction and I was single at the time but he wasn't although he didn't tell me he had been married for 15 years until I met his wife. He is the founder of the band and owns a music publishing company with his wife. I've come to know her and really respect and like her.

Here's the problem. He can't stop flirting with me. It's actually gone above flirting now but flirting in the sense that he makes remarks about how beautiful I am, how great this body part is, how sweet I am, blah etc...blah to his bandmates AND openly to the audience. His wife has been in the audience when he's said things that wouldn't be ok with me but weren't as brazen as other remarks were when she wasn't there.

I said he's gone above flirting. Meaning, he talks about us being together, about how he's not as attracted to his wife but he says he does love & respect her (they don't have children & won't). My response was that he should focus on his relationship. That it's an investment that should take priority and he doesn't really know me enough to throw it all away. Plus I don't play with married men PERIOD.

Now, I'm engaged, very much in love and there's no of temptation to cheat on my part. I thought my being engaged would deter him but it only seems to intensify his passion. Ok, maybe he's flirting still, not sure how deep his feelings go but this is affecting my relationship with my fiance and his wife.

Since I've already had a heart-to-heart convo w/ the Aqua, I'm weighing these two options:

1. Tell his wife about what he has said to me. I'm afraid of doing this because you never know how people will react. Most likely she'll hate me or think I'm lying & I'll lose her friendship.

2. Quit the band. My fiance wants me to do this. He hates Aqua. Knew from day 1 this guy had designs on me and wants me to quit although he trusts me, he just hates how obvious Aqua is. I love singing & I love the music we create but would give it up reluctantly to keep the peace.

Is there anything I can do to convince Aqua to stop? Or should I do one of the 2 choices?

I have told him in front of his wife that I was uncomfortable when he said to the audience, "The voice of an angel & a body to match!"*wink, Ha, ha* after a show. His response, "I call it like I see it, lol" and she said nothing. I talked to her alone once and asked if it bothered her and she said that she doesn't expect to be the only one he will ever be attracted to. Simple attraction to others is common, I can see her logic but when a man tells you he is seriously questioning his relationship & gets emotionally intimate with you, that's crossing the line. He agrees when I told him that and said he doesn't care if I tell his wife. He said in some ways, he wished I would or she would find out without him having to tell her. So the ball is in my court but I don't want the fricking ball!

I've talked to a bandmate who is very close to him and asked if this is just how he is & he said no. They've known eachother since they were kids and knows his wife very well and he is very uncomfortable with how overt Aqua's behavior is. He's talked to Aqua about it and told me that my engagement is making him feel like he's losing the possibility of being with me. His advice to me was just to ignore it because we're recording and he's hoping he might just be in a bad phase. "Ride it out', were his exact words.

What Valeria said is correct.

He is being really disrespectful and putting you and his wife in awkward positions. Time to hit him where it hurts!

Thanks for the cold, stinging slap of reality. Ah, confrontation is in order and that's what I suck at the most.
GREAT! 😕

"Even outrageously. To be put down and told that "NO way!! You make me sick to my stomach and you disgust me, gtfo"

Ha! Should've done that a long time ago. I can feel the animosity gurgling within like a volcano readying itself to erupt. Mostly likely our ties will be cut when I spew but I don't think I care anymore. This situation has worn me out.

Posted by TasteOfChaos

Posted by Mistery
Thanks for the cold, stinging slap of reality. Ah, confrontation is in order and that's what I suck at the most.
GREAT! 😕

You're an Aries— How is confrontation difficult for you—
Weird...

click to expand

Yes it is but I've got a lot of water & venus aspects that make me want to make nice with everyone. I shrink from aggressive types unless I'm protecting someone else, then watch out! When it comes to me, I tend to hope it'll go away without confrontation.

"I think partially because I can detach really easily to people I do not care for. While I feel deep pain for those I do care for."

That is all that matters. This is my new mantra! Thanks for taking the time to help. I really appreciate it. 🙂