the disappearing trick & avoiding it

Greetz,

so I've been reading the boards around here for a while and it seems to be mostly made up of peeps that understand the Aquarius-condition, as it were. We're all familiar with the wit, the chaos, and whatever vision we have of what the world should be like. My problem is the thing that everyone gripes about, the common denominator amongst Aquarius hate-speak; our famous disappearing act.

I'll be the first to admit I've ruined relationships with this trick. It always seems like the best course of action til it's six months later and everyone but me is still upset. I'm determined not to do it again though so I'd like to ask other aquas if there is some sort of coping mechanism you've come up with to keep yourself "grounded."

I ask because there is a girl has been following me around for a while and we seem to have the stereotypical Aquarius/Gemini thing going on; I once tricked her into thinking I had never heard of Harry Potter and let her explain the entire cultural significance of the series before letting her in on the joke. She has a hot brain. I've been seriously considering letting her out of the friend zone, but I have to acknowledge that my disappearances usually have to do with a girl. I just "came back" from my longest disappearance yet and I'd like to stick around for a while. Any tips?

I'm confused...

Are you seeing the Gemini, but "disappear" because you have another girl as well? Or am I reading this wrong and you disappear on the Gemini because that's just your thing and you'd like to stick around longer this time?

figure out why you disappear the first place.

me: disappointment. i get easily disappointed .been conditioned to be let down all the time. that its like a response thta kicks in.

either a) you figure it out and change it and going to have to face the music...that its mostly self focused

b) accept that its who you are and surround yourself with people who you can value as a friend.that or accept you just don't care.

if its b)

it can be an assortment of reasons

with me i chose b. I just realized i had to correct my beliefs

a) stop accepting everyone. i wanted to be liked and like everyone (false) that i dealt with people i just don't like and i get so irritated by them. like this one scorpio friend. I end up cutting off even middle school friends for liberation. i never like them i only stayed in that click to look cool. but im an adult now and i think its somewhat pathetic.

b) What do i want in a friend, company, and someone to let into my solitude? - the answer then became my guide when i meet people and i slowly get to know them. the ones that lacked the traits just became my party friends and social acquaintences. I then studied on Aristotle's idea of friendship. utility, pleasure etc etc. I realized then from this that its great to connect with people, but not EVERYONE can be in the BEST buddies box. and that is why i ended up always disappointed. I just had to put people in the right boxes (not by first impressions..over time months and years to figure this out). I'm not going to put a party friend into the "i can talk anything, and everything and do anything and go anywhere friend box" if i did i would dislike this person because he/she failed to offer those things.

c) Acceptance of myself: i cannot please everyone, if this is the way i handle certain situations. so be it.

i dont have this problem. its more like i avoid my aqua friends now...lol

1. Are you disappearing b/c it's your natural defense-mechanism & cxck-blocker to getting closer emotionally to someone, or do you actually have VALID & SECURE reasons for why you disappear (meaning someone died & you just needed your space for awhile OR the gal actually did something wrong)? Figure that out 1st. In other words, I hope you're not just "disappearing" just for the hell of it. If you can't even figure out why you do it/understand yoursef, no one else will be able to understand you either.

2. When you feel yourself wanting to disappear again, STOP yourself. Ask yourself WHY you're doing this again. And if you truly don't have a valid reason, then excersize some self-discipline & allow your like/love/admiration for the other person to greatly OUTWEIGH/OVER-SHADOW your desire to retreat back into your shell.

3. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Imagine how you'd feel if someone just disappeared w/o any explanation. You'd probably start doubting yourself, questioning everything, getting turned off & you might even get the sense that the other person cleary doesn't care about your feelings since they'd disappear on you in such a crude way. Welp, why would you want to give someone else that same feeling if your TRUE intention is to give them the impression that you truly care for them, respect their feelings & are dedicated to using effective communication skills? In other words, don't do to someone else what you wouldn't be able to handle someone doing to you (and yes, Aquas absolutely HATE when others leave them hanging or high & dry--we HATE it!)

And lastly 4. Don't sign up for something (cough: love/committment) if you're not truly ready to give something your undivided attention VS. only being plugged in half the time. If you're insecure, emotionally unavailable, afraid of rejection or afraid of yourself & emotions persay you actually did start to fall in love, that's fine BUT please cater to all those issues BEFORE you allow another person to walk into your life.

Not everyone will be right for you, thus disappearing on all the wrong females may not hurt you at all or cause you great loss in the long run. BUT dammit, 1 of these days you're gonna pull the disappearing act on the WRONG female (the one you actually CAN'T afford to lose) & you're gonna blow it!

Ask yourself, what are you gaining or getting out of it when you disappear? It's that your way of making sure that you're always in control? Do you enjoy the aspect of pulling away just to come back & enjoy the challenge of explaining yourself & winning that person's affections all over again? Is pulling back your way of controlling your emotions so that you won't get in too deep with a woman? Are you ok with the same outcomes that your disappearing act produces (leaving your loved ones left in limbo & questioning/doubting themselves when really the issue was YOU & not them)? Are you looking for the slightest thing the other person does wrong just so that you can purposely pull back & convince yourself that you've got 1 million reasons for why you did? Is this your way of testing a woman's patience to see if she really loves/wants you?

Kyroseene, please keep your advice to yourself. You're defeating the purpose. I believe that's the reason why we 'disappear' in the first place, is to reflect onto ourselves and to sort ourselves out, it is not a bad thing at all (atleast the way I see it).

And OP, if you think that you seem to disappear because of a girl, I think you need to look a little deeper than that.


And like candie said, OP, accept yourself for the way you are. If you do that it will be much easier to keep your mind at ease, and hence defeat the need for our little reflection times. If you don't worry and believe that all is well, then everything will be just that. If you like this girl, and you want to stick around, you will do just that, try not to even worry about it. You think therefore you are. You already sound strong willed enough to keep yourself grounded for this chick, so pursue it dude. Just stay positive, and let you and you're sub conciouss do the rest.

But yeah to keep it simple, your will determines the outcome, so if you really like this girl and want to stick around then everything should come naturally and all should be well.

Good luck, fellow Aquaman.

Posted by Shifty2Swifty
Kyroseene, please keep your advice to yourself. You're defeating the purpose. I believe that's the reason why we 'disappear' in the first place, is to reflect onto ourselves and to sort ourselves out, it is not a bad thing at all (atleast the way I see it).
.

You must've forgotten that I'm an Aqua myself (DUH!) I completely understand the mindset of an Aqua during "disappear time" b/c I AM one, silly! I have the "disappearing act" in me as well, that's why I can speak on it; it's b/c I understand it.

The difference though is that every Aqua disappears for different reasons. Some disappear for the hell of it, even when nothing is wrong while others disappear b/c of some sort of inner insecurity. And NO I won't apologize for encouraging the man to seek out whatever the TRUE reasons for his disappearing acts are, especially if it's deep-rooted in insecurity.

It may be "who he is" but if this about him is causing him to miss out on OR lose valuable relationships/friendships, I'd be a fool to keep encouraging him to allow those relations to go down the drain. That's the problem with us Aquas sometimes; we only think about ourselves; We never really consider how our actions will look to others. And when you truly care for someone, YES it WILL matter if they walk away or if we lose out on them.

The poster is the 1 who said he's trying to "Avoid" this about himself. He didn't say that he was trying to change who he was as a person (that's damn near impossible). Sounds more like he's trying to adjust the magnitude of 1 of his flaw's & instead of saying "Oh well, others oughta deal with it!" he's acknowledging that he can tweak some traits in order to keep his relationships with others afloat. How is that a bad thing?

I disappear when I've had enough of listening to people's shit or I'm dealing with something that tires me out emotionally. Otherwise I'm pretty much around most of the time.

Posted by everevolvingepithet
Actually I know a couple of Aquas that are fake, have cheated, manipulate.
It's not the sign, it's the person.

I have to agree with you, it's not the sign, anyone can be fake, manipulative, whatever.

I don't know why aqua girl is saying all these stupid things like everyone except for aquariuses are fake.

She needs to check reality, and get outside more instead of living on here, it SEEMS like.

You don't have to take my word as fact, just an opinion.

everyone loves to fight on these forums haha...can't we all just get along—?

start new forum guys to fight. its not even relevant to this topic 🙂

Posted by dreamer23
There IS quite a lot of beef on this forum.

I wish there was more chicken... although I came into this thread to also understand aquas a little better lol.

Posted by aquagirl24

Posted by NZAqua
I disappear when I've had enough of listening to people's shit or I'm dealing with something that tires me out emotionally. Otherwise I'm pretty much around most of the time.

that is right. sometimes i cant deal with the egocentrism of some people (most signs are) apart from us i believe. NO, noone else is an altruist.

selfish bastards the lot of them, and u r right. they just love to use us, then they even complain. that is pretty annoying tbh. am done helping others. 😢 f them all!

cheating revenge coming up soon lol...

and no, we aquas love humans, but maybe we should stop doing so since they are always UNHAPPY, no matter what you do, and we should stop sacrificing for these uncomprehended humans.

click to expand

I put a limit on how much I'm willing to do for people. If i do too much it fucks with my head and I'M not happy. If i do too little I feel bad.

However, when i do stuff for people and i see clearly that they either don't appreciate it or don't/won't/can't change what is troubling them - I stop. It's not my responsibility to sort other people's issues/insecurities/problems out for them.

I'll do what i can for the immediate drama but once it's calmed down a little i will back away because I've run myself to the ground FAR too many times giving and giving.

And you're right - no matter what you do, if they're unhappy, they're unhappy - and only they can make themselves happy, it's not up to other people.

Posted by aquagirl24
u are aware of us being good. u just tell us we arent to use us!!!

well you dont fool me man.

He doesn't fool me, either.

Posted by everevolvingepithet
Self fulfilling prophecies all round then ! 🙂

have you ever watched 'the proposition?" i think its something you'll like! if i'm right...that is. your into western cowboy things right?🙂

Posted by Candeh15

Posted by dreamer23
There IS quite a lot of beef on this forum.

I wish there was more chicken... although I came into this thread to also understand aquas a little better lol.

click to expand

is it working?

Posted by candi3bb

Posted by Candeh15

Posted by dreamer23
There IS quite a lot of beef on this forum.

I wish there was more chicken... although I came into this thread to also understand aquas a little better lol.

is it working?

click to expand

to be perfectly honest... no lol. I'm not even sure what we're talking about anymore lol. Like, I had an aqua disappear on me and I still care about him a lot, but I guess I'll just have to leave it at that lol.

I agree that Aquas have been known to pull the disappearing act, BUT I also agree that someone's ability to disappear (especially w/o explanation or good reason) all depends on the individual person. Sometimes ya gotta let go of all the astrology crap & analyze the individual person.

Every Aqua might disappear BUT their reasons are all different. No doubt, some disappear b/c of insecurity, some for absolutely no reason at all, some b/c they like jerking your chain & seeing your reaction (yeah, the 1 where you're flipping out & sending us 10 page texts!), some b/c leaving 1st is their way of keeping the control, some b/c you've actually done something to piss them off or warrant them leaving you high & dry, & many more!

I think the Aquas are trying to say that outsiders shouldn't always assume that our disappearances don't have valid reasons sometimes. Sometimes we really DO have valid reasons & we don't care if others have a tantrum about it or simply "don't like it" b/c Aquas are ALSO known for doing what they feel is best for them in the moment. Depending on perception, that can be our biggest strength OR our biggest weakness.

The only time I've ever disappeared on someone was when
1. They pissed me off (I hope you outsiders finally understand why I DIDN'T feel bad for vanishing)
or 2. They pissed me off.

Have I been insecure before, so much so that I wanted to run for the hills? Absolutely, BUT I'm a very communicative person. By the time I'm ready to flee, the other person has picked up on the fact that I'm acting a little strangely & they usually force it out of me before me running away even takes place. Bastards =P

I try to imagine how it's gonna look to the other person if I decide to disappear though. Me keeping other's feelings in mind usually stops me from running, even if I desperately want to. And it's b/c, we Aquas must admit that we absolutely HATE for someone to leave us high & dry! Ugh! That's like the ultimate way to get cut off!

I do however need space alot. But not the kind of "space" where I disappear for 2 weeks & have the police filing a missing person's report. I normally retreat back into my little shell for a few days & keep minimal contact with my circle (just enough so that no one will think it's personal).

I think Aquas would really help their own case if they'd start making it more clear that their disappearances aren't always personal. Hell, after awhile, our friends get to know us & don't get as offended or take it personal once we pull the "space" thing b/c they know that it's nothing they personally did wrong. And had they actually done something wrong, they can always count on me to voice my opinion.

So yes, as an Aqua, it'll always be IN me to disappear, but that doesn't mean that I always act on it. Takes alot of self-discipline =)