To admit to cheating or to keep it hidden—

Hello everyone,

My question concerns whether I should be honest with my Aries man...

Here's the thing, my Aries man was cheated on by his now ex girlfriend of 4 years, and from what I can tell it absolutely ruined him. Well he's grown out of the depression and stuff that tough break ups can put a man into, but as we enter into a new point in our relationship where we begin to define whether we want to be exclusive, bf gf to each other, I can't help but shake this feeling that I should tell him about my past.

I cheated on my ex.

I was in a 4 year relationship with an abusive boyfriend (no excuse to cheating). The guy I cheated on him with was no one I had any emotional attachment to, in fact, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I vaguely remember the guy. I had been trying to leave my bf for 2 years at this point and was unsuccessful. The night of this incident, I had just taken him back, and had convinced myself that this time things between us would be different, well when I realized they weren't going to be different and that I had fallen back into the prison cell that I broke out of, I got very depressed. I decided to go out with friends to a house party and get really drunk (I don't drink so I was really wasted), long story short, after drinking all night and getting high, I woke up to find myself in the basement with some stranger. When I realized what I was doing I pushed him away and just cried myself to sleep the remainder of the night. I called my bf that morning and told him what I had done...surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, my bf was angry but he definitely used this as leverage to keep me to stay in a relationship with him for another year.

My cheating was never calculated, and although I don't mean to sound or try to justify it, I do think that my circumstances are far different than the general cheating scenario. All in all, I do consider myself an honest person, I told my bf the next day that I had cheated because I felt like he deserved to know if we were going to try to make our relationship work (at this point I hadn't quite figured out I was an abusive relationship, I just knew I was largely unhappy).

I think this guy deserves to know before jumping into a relationship with me. He is SUCH a great guy! I would love to be able to call him mine, but if I can't, I want him to find the best that's out there because he is so amazing, and I just think it would be a bit manipulative and unfair on my part to know that he has

Well if you do don't forget to throw it in with the big story that you were abused for so many years. And obviously make it clear to him you didn't do it on purpose.

Wasn't this in your past— Why the hell would you bring it up? Everyone has a past they are not too proud of, but some fuqin time sharing is not the best option. I just don't understand people that always want to share every little detail of their lives. It's not that you are hiding anything...something are just not open for discussion! UNLESS YOU ARE NOT SURE YOU CAN BE FAITHFUL. Just let the relationship evolve where it's supposed to and let that be the reason for the season.

I meant to say "some things"

Forget it. A lot of fuzz for nothing. Or, depending of the character of your friend: a weapon to use against you later on.

Just mention to him he's going to get exclusive rights, but only after he puts a ring on your finger (or at least register your relationship as civil partnership, if you have something like that where you are).

Bf/Gf is not the real deal. Just dating. People practicing living together, while looking around for a potentially better match, discreetly and sometimes without being aware. He is doing the same, don't be fooled.

Before you even bother saying this to your Aries man, ask yourself if this will happen again.

I'm torn between calculated and deliberate OR not knowing what you're capable of doing.

Calculated and deliberate means they can control it because they are AWARE of what they're capable of doing. The latter is difficult to gauge because you need to scrutinize it first. The unknown can be enlightening or debilitating depending on what surfaces.

Was it truly an isolated incident or is this something you do whenever you'd be drunk because that part of you is being neglected? Since you were having issues with your ex and you were being abused, then it's safe to assume sex wasn't great or probably even nonexistent.

What if you get abused by this Aries guy as well? Would you fall for the same pattern? It's deeper than this. I hope you find the answers within. Only then would it be safe to open up to your Aries man. Be prepared for the possibility he might ask the same questions I did and use it against you just like what your ex did.

I don't see the point of you telling this unless he asks if you ever cheated.

@ AesmaDaeva,and even if he asks, there's just certain things you don't admit to or comment on..LOL. I dunno...Youngness?

"long story short, after drinking all night and getting high, I woke up to find myself in the basement with some stranger. When I realized what I was doing I pushed him away"

Sounds more like you were taken advantage of, if not outright raped.

Posted by malloryor

I cheated on my ex.

No, you didn't.

And hell no, you shouldn't present this as an indiscretion on your part.

Getting bombed because you were distressed that you couldn't get out of some twisted relationship and waking up with a stranger is not "cheating"-- it's unfortunate.

Are you trying to sabotage this new/potential relationship?

Sounds like it... just saying, you aren't being fair to yourself.

Nope, you shouldn't feel a need to tell him. Your past is your PAST, and is none of his business. Sometimes things are better left unsaid, and this is one of them.

Posted by lildol
"long story short, after drinking all night and getting high, I woke up to find myself in the basement with some stranger. When I realized what I was doing I pushed him away"

Sounds more like you were taken advantage of, if not outright raped.

That's what I'm thinking. Yikes!

Wow! Well thank you everyone for your input, I have to say I wasn't expecting so much compassion or understanding about my question because I'm sure it sounds crazy and then I feel so guilty about my past but thank you all for your advice and words of wisdom, it is greatly appreciated!

@Lib4Life, thanks I think I just needed to hear from someone else as confirmation that just because I choose to leave something in the past does not mean that I am hiding something because I DO NOT plan for this part of me to reoccur. I do believe I can be faithful, I have been faithful in every other area of my life and do think that the circumstances of that night have all to do with me having no inhibitions--or awareness for that matter--with drinking.

And no I don't think its youngness, yes I am young, but I HATE lying. I told you I even told my ex about cheating on him that very morning. I just think that no matter how ugly the sin, honesty is a bit of redemption, I think what makes the sin more vial is when we try to lie and cover them up...not trying to sound holier than thou because I surely am not haha but its one of my pet peeves, lying so I guess that's why I felt such the need to fess up but I do believe you are right to leave it alone

Posted by AesmaDaeva
Before you even bother saying this to your Aries man, ask yourself if this will happen again.

I'm torn between calculated and deliberate OR not knowing what you're capable of doing.

Calculated and deliberate means they can control it because they are AWARE of what they're capable of doing. The latter is difficult to gauge because you need to scrutinize it first. The unknown can be enlightening or debilitating depending on what surfaces.

Was it truly an isolated incident or is this something you do whenever you'd be drunk because that part of you is being neglected? Since you were having issues with your ex and you were being abused, then it's safe to assume sex wasn't great or probably even nonexistent.

What if you get abused by this Aries guy as well? Would you fall for the same pattern? It's deeper than this. I hope you find the answers within. Only then would it be safe to open up to your Aries man. Be prepared for the possibility he might ask the same questions I did and use it against you just like what your ex did.

I don't see the point of you telling this unless he asks if you ever cheated.

Good insight!

Well I've been asking myself these questions since that unfortunate night and if I am to be honest I would say after it happened it was a bit of me having know idea what I could be capable of. I've said it before, I am an incredibly honest person, I will admit the worst of me before I'll lie, I'm not trying to sound like I'm a saint--I by no means think that I am--but I just hate lying and I'm really bad at it to so I've just learned from various life situations that telling the truth is always better than getting caught in a lie.

I think in part the reason I hate lying has a lot to do with my ex, as he was a pathological liar--he lied about everything--and my Pisces intuition would always flare up but I'd shut it down, so I know how it feels to know something isn't right but feeling completely powerless to finding out the truth. Also, I think probably what did my guy's ex in is that she kept it hidden from him, she lied about it and just kept it going (cheating) until he found out from seeing the guy she cheated on him with, call her phone.

I DO believe however that this was and is an isolated incident. I have spent a lot of time analyzing myself and I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't consume a

Posted by AesmaDaeva
Before you even bother saying this to your Aries man, ask yourself if this will happen again.

I'm torn between calculated and deliberate OR not knowing what you're capable of doing.

Calculated and deliberate means they can control it because they are AWARE of what they're capable of doing. The latter is difficult to gauge because you need to scrutinize it first. The unknown can be enlightening or debilitating depending on what surfaces.

Was it truly an isolated incident or is this something you do whenever you'd be drunk because that part of you is being neglected? Since you were having issues with your ex and you were being abused, then it's safe to assume sex wasn't great or probably even nonexistent.

What if you get abused by this Aries guy as well? Would you fall for the same pattern? It's deeper than this. I hope you find the answers within. Only then would it be safe to open up to your Aries man. Be prepared for the possibility he might ask the same questions I did and use it against you just like what your ex did.

I don't see the point of you telling this unless he asks if you ever cheated.

Contd.... I have spent a lot of time analyzing myself and I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't consume alcohol at all, because when I do I naturally become buzzed off of one drink--so you can imagine more--I'm a light weight, and pushing the drinking as far as I did that night led to everything that happened. So I realized that about myself, that I need to have absolute control over myself and my actions when I'm out in party atmospheres like that one, because no one else is going to do it, so now I've been practicing not drinking. The few times that I have it has only been with my CLOSEST of girlfriends and we were in safe locations like eating dinner at a nice restaurant or at someone's house while watching romcoms--no predatorial men around haha

But loong story short, yes I won't say, unless he asks.

Idk why but I guess since he's an Aries with a Scorpio Moon that honesty would be the best route for everything and my Pisces intuition keeps flaring up to the point that this thought keeps popping in my head to mention it, but so far there has not been a need--he's never asked--in fact when he did ask me why me and my ex broke up, he just wanted a brief explanation and told me let sleeping dogs lie so I guess that'

Posted by LIb4Life
@ AesmaDaeva,and even if he asks, there's just certain things you don't admit to or comment on..LOL. I dunno...Youngness?

I can't do that. I have a dark and tumultuous past. I'd rather be upfront about it. I can't for the life of me make up a different story to fill in the gaps and for me, transparency is important. I need to know my partner knows what he signed up for. I don't want him to feel shocked one day and think differently about me. I want him to know everything before he commits. I want him to have that choice.

Why do you insist on saying/believing you cheated when it clearly was something other, at least based on your side of the story. Is it easier for you to come to grips with the events that night believing that you were somehow at fault for a man raping you? Or, were you indeed at fault for the events that night, knowingly and willingly engaging in sexual relations with another man? I'll be blunt - which was it, did you cheat or were you raped?

Mallory, if he said let sleeping dogs lie, leave it. You don't want him to paint a different picture or to feel paranoid about you even if you know this was an isolated incident.

I think not drinking is an extreme way to go about it. It's your past and you've made peace with it. You understand why it happened and that's all that matters. It's not about controlling yourself. It's more about alcohol lessening your inhibitions so whatever you're feeling at that time surfaces. The healthier approach is to introspect as much as you can so nothing boils over and fucks you over in the long run.

I know not all emotions are easy to process and feelings come and go but if you notice it bugging you for 3 days or longer, it's time to pay attention to it more and find out why so the next time you have a drink, it wouldn't be an issue.

It's a good thing to always be surrounded by friends too, make sure not to drink too much and make sure no one touches your drink. Date rape is real. I wouldn't want that to happen to you.

I hope I haven't offended you with my questions. I do mean well.

Posted by AesmaDaeva

Posted by LIb4Life
@ AesmaDaeva,and even if he asks, there's just certain things you don't admit to or comment on..LOL. I dunno...Youngness?

I can't do that. I have a dark and tumultuous past. I'd rather be upfront about it. I can't for the life of me make up a different story to fill in the gaps and for me, transparency is important. I need to know my partner knows what he signed up for. I don't want him to feel shocked one day and think differently about me. I want him to know everything before he commits. I want him to have that choice.

click to expand

Wow Aesma, that is me to a t!

Hence my question

Some people brought up the possibility of you being raped that night. You haven't shared much info other than you going to a party and waking up at the basement with some stranger. What happened then? Would there be friends that knows what happened about that night before the sex happened? Are you sure you even had sex or were you raped?

Posted by lildol
Why do you insist on saying/believing you cheated when it clearly was something other, at least based on your side of the story. Is it easier for you to come to grips with the events that night believing that you were somehow at fault for a man raping you? Or, were you indeed at fault for the events that night, knowingly and willingly engaging in sexual relations with another man? I'll be blunt - which was it, did you cheat or were you raped?

Whoa whoa whoaaa

*sigh* I have not thought about it as rape...I don't want to think about it as rape, I rather think about it as cheating...well I sound like a person with a whole lot of emotional bullcrap but I was abused growing up so to think I was raped is not a good way for me to look at it I suppose...

I will just say that I had no intention of hooking up with that guy, it was as I said, I came to (came to awareness)to see myself with a complete stranger and it was shocking and made me hysterical all at once--pushed him away...

Posted by AesmaDaeva
Some people brought up the possibility of you being raped that night. You haven't shared much info other than you going to a party and waking up at the basement with some stranger. What happened then? Would there be friends that knows what happened about that night before the sex happened? Are you sure you even had sex or were you raped?

Idk, I don't remember too much of that night. I remember drinking and smoking (stupid stupid mixture) and a huge fog clouds the middle portion of that night. I remember literally being at one house party then coming back to another house for another party and ending up in the basement, Idk if I was led, I went down by myself or if I led the guy, idk...I remember the guy asking me if I was old enough to know what I want, and my sassy Aries moon kicked in and said yes, but naively I didn't see it as a come on...and then before I knew it we were hooking up and I pushed him off of me and cried myself to sleep.

I can't say that I was raped because I already admitted I was abused as a kid so I don't want to say I was raped. And the way my bf made it sound, he saw it as cheating so I guess I always internalized it as such and I still do.

I think people don't like to hear that its alcohol's fault--like don't blame it on the alcohol--but my conscious and cognitive awareness that night was literally no where to be found, I registered everything moments after they happened rather than thinking about what was going on, how I appeared (which never crossed my mind that night), and what I was doing beforehand.

And to your earlier question Aesma, no you have been an angel, I appreciate the honest questions

"I remember the guy asking me if I was old enough to know what I want."

I feel sick to my stomach.

@malloryor, maybe you don't want to admit to it being rape because of your past. But, you suggest that you are grappling with this from a moral standpoint - do I tell my BF I cheated? You seem to have misplaced guilt and you need to accept the facts as they occurred and not put undo moral pressures (and guilt) on yourself because of something that, prior to coming to the realization of what was occurring, was not within your control. Point being, if you were being raped, you did not cheat, period! So, this makes your original issue a moot point with regards to what you tell/do not tell the BF in regards to cheating.

Accepting the other as reality I realize is another issue in and of itself and comes with its own set of complications within oneself. However, until you accept it, you will never move beyond it. Do not allow it do define you! Just my thoughts.

Malloryor, listen to lildol. When you're ready, find out more about that night. It will hurt and the mere thought of it will overwhelm you but it's better to deal with it ASAP than sweeping it under the rug. Ask support from family and friends.

About divulging things to your BF, I honestly think no, you don't have to. Leave your past in the past. Nobody has to know. Telling about it comes with its own consequences as well. You need to figure out which sits well with you and which you can handle a lot easier.

Thanks everyone for your input, especially Aesema and Lildol. I think you both are right, I need to dig a little bit more in terms of all that happened before I go disclosing a part of my life--that I don't even quite understand--to another person.