Caia
@Caia
10 Years
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The Twelve Bosses of The Zodiac
SAGITTARIUS
The worst thing that can be said about Sagittarian bosses is that they will frequently ask you to do things you do not want to do such as orienteering on a wet weekend, or sky diving. The activities build character, the boss will proclaim, and an employee with character is more effective than one without. Point out that an employee with both legs in working order is more effective than one without, and you will be reminded forcefully of Mohammed Ali. What would he be doing today if he had not taken risks in life? Probably not dribbling and twitching uncontrollably, you think, but keep your mouth shut.
Sagittarians are rarely good diplomats but there are a number of other positions into which Sagittarians are positively encouraged, partly because only Sagittarians manage to combine the bluff good humour, rude good health and mindless jabbering such positions require: devising television programmes with names such as Gladiators and Survivior running commando units, commentating at the Olympic Games, coaching girls' hockey teams in fee-paying schools, and not much else really.
How to get a rise from a Sagittarian boss: Plan ahead. You must turn yourself into the boss's idea of a model employee. Jog to work every day, play squash every lunchtime and offer to play the boss. No true Sagittarian will be able to refuse. Make sure you lose, preferably doing your hamstring in, in the process.
The worst thing that can be said about Sagittarian bosses is that they will frequently ask you to do things you do not want to do such as orienteering on a wet weekend, or sky diving. The activities build character, the boss will proclaim, and an employee with character is more effective than one without. Point out that an employee with both legs in working order is more effective than one without, and you will be reminded forcefully of Mohammed Ali. What would he be doing today if he had not taken risks in life? Probably not dribbling and twitching uncontrollably, you think, but keep your mouth shut.
Sagittarians are rarely good diplomats but there are a number of other positions into which Sagittarians are positively encouraged, partly because only Sagittarians manage to combine the bluff good humour, rude good health and mindless jabbering such positions require: devising television programmes with names such as Gladiators and Survivior running commando units, commentating at the Olympic Games, coaching girls' hockey teams in fee-paying schools, and not much else really.
How to get a rise from a Sagittarian boss: Plan ahead. You must turn yourself into the boss's idea of a model employee. Jog to work every day, play squash every lunchtime and offer to play the boss. No true Sagittarian will be able to refuse. Make sure you lose, preferably doing your hamstring in, in the process.
THE 'WHERE'S YOUR TIME SHEET' EARTH SIGNS
TAURUS
Every Taurus boss once had a good idea. Well, an idea, anyway. And that one idea, he or she is deeply convinced, is as good now as it ever was. Never mind that the world has moved on. To say that the average Taurus boss is obstinate is an understatement. Suggest to the Taurus boss your carefully planned, researched and costed scheme for upping company turnover by 20 percent by selling stuff that people might actually want - and you'll be told that the Stubborn Sonofabitch Corporation didn't get where it is today by pandering to fads.
Taurus bosses are very good at 'no'. It's 'Yes' they find tricky.
How to get a promotion: Seeking a promotion from a Taurean boss presupposes that the boss knows what it is that you actually do, when actually in their eyes there are only two positions - The Boss and Everyone Else. Requests for promotion are therefore worrying. They suggest unrest, change, ambition, desire, new ideas, forward motion. They are therefore unthinkable. Abandon your efforts.
VIRGO
Virgo bosses operate on a need to know basis. They don't need to know your name, that's your responsibility. Virgo bosses feel compelled to list their blessings. Every couple of days. With updates, addenda, errata, supplementaries and appendices. In whatever industry they find themselves, Virgo bosses cannot help but give full rein to their two obsessions; record keeping and paranoia. The first of these fuels the second, leading the boss to the inevitable conclusion that his or her competitors are just itching to get their hands on the company's completely itemised and costed records of in -house coffee consumption.
How to get a pay rise: Send a memo, listing in point form at least two dozen reasons why you think you should be paid more money. It won't work but the boss will be delighted to make six copies of it and place one in each of your personal files, each with the notation, 'This one has ambition. Could be plotting something'.
TAURUS
Every Taurus boss once had a good idea. Well, an idea, anyway. And that one idea, he or she is deeply convinced, is as good now as it ever was. Never mind that the world has moved on. To say that the average Taurus boss is obstinate is an understatement. Suggest to the Taurus boss your carefully planned, researched and costed scheme for upping company turnover by 20 percent by selling stuff that people might actually want - and you'll be told that the Stubborn Sonofabitch Corporation didn't get where it is today by pandering to fads.
Taurus bosses are very good at 'no'. It's 'Yes' they find tricky.
How to get a promotion: Seeking a promotion from a Taurean boss presupposes that the boss knows what it is that you actually do, when actually in their eyes there are only two positions - The Boss and Everyone Else. Requests for promotion are therefore worrying. They suggest unrest, change, ambition, desire, new ideas, forward motion. They are therefore unthinkable. Abandon your efforts.
VIRGO
Virgo bosses operate on a need to know basis. They don't need to know your name, that's your responsibility. Virgo bosses feel compelled to list their blessings. Every couple of days. With updates, addenda, errata, supplementaries and appendices. In whatever industry they find themselves, Virgo bosses cannot help but give full rein to their two obsessions; record keeping and paranoia. The first of these fuels the second, leading the boss to the inevitable conclusion that his or her competitors are just itching to get their hands on the company's completely itemised and costed records of in -house coffee consumption.
How to get a pay rise: Send a memo, listing in point form at least two dozen reasons why you think you should be paid more money. It won't work but the boss will be delighted to make six copies of it and place one in each of your personal files, each with the notation, 'This one has ambition. Could be plotting something'.
CAPRICORN
Capricorn bosses know everything. Always. They hear everything. They see everything and yet they never talk. At least they never talk to you. And why should they? You are an employee and therefore by Capricorn definition unimportant.
There is no advantage in talking to you. In particular they know that you have to get on in this world. Nothing else matters.
How to get a promotion: Status is everything and in the Capricorn business empire must be recognised. You have therefore two options. Send money to one of those American businesses with names like The Holy Gospel Tennessee International University for Divinity Research Pty Ltd and get a hefty-sounding degree by mail order. Or you can enter one of those periodic British auctions of unwanted noble titles, the ones where you can become the Baronet of Chipping Sodbury for under a grand. Phil from accounts doesn't have a chance. The Reverend Doctor Phil from Accounts or Phil, Seventh Earl of Wolverhampton from Accounts is another matter entirely.
Capricorn bosses know everything. Always. They hear everything. They see everything and yet they never talk. At least they never talk to you. And why should they? You are an employee and therefore by Capricorn definition unimportant.
There is no advantage in talking to you. In particular they know that you have to get on in this world. Nothing else matters.
How to get a promotion: Status is everything and in the Capricorn business empire must be recognised. You have therefore two options. Send money to one of those American businesses with names like The Holy Gospel Tennessee International University for Divinity Research Pty Ltd and get a hefty-sounding degree by mail order. Or you can enter one of those periodic British auctions of unwanted noble titles, the ones where you can become the Baronet of Chipping Sodbury for under a grand. Phil from accounts doesn't have a chance. The Reverend Doctor Phil from Accounts or Phil, Seventh Earl of Wolverhampton from Accounts is another matter entirely.
THE 'WE'LL-GET-BACK-TO-YOU-ON-THAT' AIR SIGNS
GEMINI
The only items on the daily business agenda of any real interest to a Gemini boss are work-based scandals - mostly because they're more fun than actual work-based work. Working for a Gemini boss is much like trying to look after a hyperactive five-year-old.
Life doesn't get any easier when you Gemini boss performs one of his numerous daily disappearing acts. Even when absent he'll manage to make his devastating presence felt. Before he slips, sneaks, runs or waltzes out of the door, he'll fail to let you know that you'll have to cut everyone's wages this month because he's dipped into company funds again. On the rare occasions when he does happen to be within eye range, it's still very hard to keep his attention for long.
So if you need to speak to him, make it snappy. Remember also to record any conversations in memo form, otherwise your Gemini boss will immediately forget what transpired and, worse still, won't admit that he's forgotten.
How to get a promotion: Simple. Give yourself a grander title. Your Gemini boss won't remember what you were before.
LIBRA
In the competitive cutthroat world of business there are only two ways in which a Libra finds him or herself in a position of power: by accident or inheritance. Or usually both. This often means that Librans are prone to find themselves suddenly and through no fault of their own in charge of enormous and enormously diversified companies, which require firm, ruthless and iron-fisted control.
How to get a promotion: Research, then lobby hard. Asking the boss is obviously a bad idea, since your carefully worded internal memo reminding him of your years of service, your qualifications, loyalty, performance results, trustworthiness, energy, popularity, commitment and excellent dress sense will without doubt end up about halfway down the mile-high pile of documents neatly stacked in the tray marked 'pending'. If the company is still in business more than two weeks after Libra's unwitting achievement of leadership, then clearly someone, somewhere, is making the necessary decisions.
GEMINI
The only items on the daily business agenda of any real interest to a Gemini boss are work-based scandals - mostly because they're more fun than actual work-based work. Working for a Gemini boss is much like trying to look after a hyperactive five-year-old.
Life doesn't get any easier when you Gemini boss performs one of his numerous daily disappearing acts. Even when absent he'll manage to make his devastating presence felt. Before he slips, sneaks, runs or waltzes out of the door, he'll fail to let you know that you'll have to cut everyone's wages this month because he's dipped into company funds again. On the rare occasions when he does happen to be within eye range, it's still very hard to keep his attention for long.
So if you need to speak to him, make it snappy. Remember also to record any conversations in memo form, otherwise your Gemini boss will immediately forget what transpired and, worse still, won't admit that he's forgotten.
How to get a promotion: Simple. Give yourself a grander title. Your Gemini boss won't remember what you were before.
LIBRA
In the competitive cutthroat world of business there are only two ways in which a Libra finds him or herself in a position of power: by accident or inheritance. Or usually both. This often means that Librans are prone to find themselves suddenly and through no fault of their own in charge of enormous and enormously diversified companies, which require firm, ruthless and iron-fisted control.
How to get a promotion: Research, then lobby hard. Asking the boss is obviously a bad idea, since your carefully worded internal memo reminding him of your years of service, your qualifications, loyalty, performance results, trustworthiness, energy, popularity, commitment and excellent dress sense will without doubt end up about halfway down the mile-high pile of documents neatly stacked in the tray marked 'pending'. If the company is still in business more than two weeks after Libra's unwitting achievement of leadership, then clearly someone, somewhere, is making the necessary decisions.
AQUARIUS
Aquarians detest the very idea of business, loathe the competitive urge, cannot abide exploitation and have a deep-seated ethical problem with the concept of the profit motive. They are forever coming up with peculiar and socially responsible schemes. They come across as so nice, so fair and so reasonable that you have to fight the urge to either puke or lash out blindly. They utterly reject the very notion of a boss and see themselves instead as facilitators, motivators or, in extreme cases when the Prozac supply has dried up, catalysts for change.
They believe that knowledge is a common resource. In practical terms this means they feel obliged to sit on the edge of your desk and drone on and on about the personal and philosophical dilemmas they face daily in maintaining the integrity of their spirit against the dehumanising imperatives of commerce. They are scrupulously honest and would no more think of removing a paper clip from the office without due cause than murdering their own grandmothers. Therefore they assume - indeed insist - that all employees observe the same protocols.
How to get a pay rise: Difficult. A billion people on this overcrowded world are starving to death, you will be told. Does this mean nothing to you?
Aquarians detest the very idea of business, loathe the competitive urge, cannot abide exploitation and have a deep-seated ethical problem with the concept of the profit motive. They are forever coming up with peculiar and socially responsible schemes. They come across as so nice, so fair and so reasonable that you have to fight the urge to either puke or lash out blindly. They utterly reject the very notion of a boss and see themselves instead as facilitators, motivators or, in extreme cases when the Prozac supply has dried up, catalysts for change.
They believe that knowledge is a common resource. In practical terms this means they feel obliged to sit on the edge of your desk and drone on and on about the personal and philosophical dilemmas they face daily in maintaining the integrity of their spirit against the dehumanising imperatives of commerce. They are scrupulously honest and would no more think of removing a paper clip from the office without due cause than murdering their own grandmothers. Therefore they assume - indeed insist - that all employees observe the same protocols.
How to get a pay rise: Difficult. A billion people on this overcrowded world are starving to death, you will be told. Does this mean nothing to you?
THE 'WE-KNOW-YOU'RE-OUT-TO-GET-US' WATER SIGNS
CANCER
Cancer bosses are constitutionally incapable of saying what they mean. Talking to a Cancer boss is much like consulting an oracle: you have to interpret and hope for the best. He or she will never, for instance, come right out and tell you not to wear that nose-ring while serving the customers. Oh no. You will be asked "Are you really comfortable in that jewellery?" It is a startling fact that in the history of the world no Cancer boss from Julius Ceasar onwards has ever sacked an employee. Many a crab-dependent worker, however, has been downsized, made redundant, let go, relieved, rendered surplus, outplaced, shelved or freelanced. To call a Cancer boss 'Moody' is about as accurate as calling the Sultan of Brunei 'well off', Michael Jackson 'a bit odd' or Paris Hilton 'fortunate'.
So there is never a dull moment. Lots and lots of really horrible ones, but dull ones, no.
How to get a promotion: It gets lonely at the top and Cancer bosses, being reluctant to confide in anyone, feel this loneliness more than most. Winning a better position is therefore dependent on winning the trust of the boss.
SCORPIO
It would not be too gross an exaggeration to say that most employees working for a Scorpio boss spend so much time looking over their shoulders they keep bumping into walls and falling down lift shafts. Scorpio bosses are stealthy, sneaky bastards. The second you even consider reading a trashy magazine instead of writing a report, something cold and icy will start breathing down your neck. The moment you so much as think of leaving the office early, something akin to the Creature from the Black Lagoon will emerge from behind you.
Sinister and creepy as they are, occasionally Scorpio bosses will be forced to smile - usually when they think they've caught you red-handed. Doing what, you have no idea since they won't actually tell you. Scorpios aren't big on small talk. They prefer to let you prattle on, protesting your innocence while they remain deep in thought, invariably thinking up suitably nasty punishments. In the dark netherworld that is the Scorpio mind, all employees are guilty until proven so.
How to get a pay rise: This is the fiscal equivalent of getting blood out of a stone. Even if you do manage to squeeze more money out of your Scorpio boss - a feat only likely to be achieved by introducing medieval instruments of torture - expect to pay for it for t
CANCER
Cancer bosses are constitutionally incapable of saying what they mean. Talking to a Cancer boss is much like consulting an oracle: you have to interpret and hope for the best. He or she will never, for instance, come right out and tell you not to wear that nose-ring while serving the customers. Oh no. You will be asked "Are you really comfortable in that jewellery?" It is a startling fact that in the history of the world no Cancer boss from Julius Ceasar onwards has ever sacked an employee. Many a crab-dependent worker, however, has been downsized, made redundant, let go, relieved, rendered surplus, outplaced, shelved or freelanced. To call a Cancer boss 'Moody' is about as accurate as calling the Sultan of Brunei 'well off', Michael Jackson 'a bit odd' or Paris Hilton 'fortunate'.
So there is never a dull moment. Lots and lots of really horrible ones, but dull ones, no.
How to get a promotion: It gets lonely at the top and Cancer bosses, being reluctant to confide in anyone, feel this loneliness more than most. Winning a better position is therefore dependent on winning the trust of the boss.
SCORPIO
It would not be too gross an exaggeration to say that most employees working for a Scorpio boss spend so much time looking over their shoulders they keep bumping into walls and falling down lift shafts. Scorpio bosses are stealthy, sneaky bastards. The second you even consider reading a trashy magazine instead of writing a report, something cold and icy will start breathing down your neck. The moment you so much as think of leaving the office early, something akin to the Creature from the Black Lagoon will emerge from behind you.
Sinister and creepy as they are, occasionally Scorpio bosses will be forced to smile - usually when they think they've caught you red-handed. Doing what, you have no idea since they won't actually tell you. Scorpios aren't big on small talk. They prefer to let you prattle on, protesting your innocence while they remain deep in thought, invariably thinking up suitably nasty punishments. In the dark netherworld that is the Scorpio mind, all employees are guilty until proven so.
How to get a pay rise: This is the fiscal equivalent of getting blood out of a stone. Even if you do manage to squeeze more money out of your Scorpio boss - a feat only likely to be achieved by introducing medieval instruments of torture - expect to pay for it for t
PISCES
In the tough, unforgiving world of business, the buck stops at the boss. But not with a Piscean, it wouldn't. Said buck would be caught with about as much enthusiasm as a sexually transmitted virus. Because they're such sensitive souls and don't like being yelled at by you or anyone else, Piscean bosses would always try one or two escape plans. The first would be to blame someone else. And they would do it so soulfully and with so much handwringing that you'd believe them. Your outpouring of sympathy will come to an abrupt halt sooner or later - usually when it is your turn to cop the blame.
How to get a promotion: Easy. As soon as your Pisces boss realises that he or she might be held accountable for making a balls up of an entire organisation, all of a sudden you would be in charge of 300 employees, five offices nationwide, 12 factory outlets and an overseas subsidiary.
In the tough, unforgiving world of business, the buck stops at the boss. But not with a Piscean, it wouldn't. Said buck would be caught with about as much enthusiasm as a sexually transmitted virus. Because they're such sensitive souls and don't like being yelled at by you or anyone else, Piscean bosses would always try one or two escape plans. The first would be to blame someone else. And they would do it so soulfully and with so much handwringing that you'd believe them. Your outpouring of sympathy will come to an abrupt halt sooner or later - usually when it is your turn to cop the blame.
How to get a promotion: Easy. As soon as your Pisces boss realises that he or she might be held accountable for making a balls up of an entire organisation, all of a sudden you would be in charge of 300 employees, five offices nationwide, 12 factory outlets and an overseas subsidiary.
Posted by Caia
...
GEMINI
The only items on the daily business agenda of any real interest to a Gemini boss are work-based scandals ... Working for a Gemini boss is much like trying to look after a hyperactive five-year-old.
....
So if you need to speak to him, make it snappy. Remember also to record any conversations in memo form, otherwise your Gemini boss will immediately forget what transpired and, worse still, won't admit that he's forgotten.
...
My last boss was a (Cancer mixed) Gemini and I can confirm these things.^^^^
I'm laughing at the Cancer "consulting an oracle" part. I think I make perfect sense, but I've had too many friends tell me that getting information out of me is a task similar to entering the codes to get into a bank vault, and that they have to keep changing how they word the question before they finally get the info they were looking for.
Posted by Caia
PISCES
In the tough, unforgiving world of business, the buck stops at the boss. But not with a Piscean, it wouldn't. ...
My first boss was a Dog/Pisces man. He was much better than those lines here. I can only confirm two sentences from above .
He was the dream boss. Before he became our boss he was a R&D developer. He implemented an OS together with another colleague in their off time. He'd been also a member of the works council.
Our team was the role model team. He did not need a escape plan at all.
The Scorp one is true _— yes, something cold and icy will breath down your neck!!
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ARIES
When you're under an Aries thumb, it's not work. It's war. Aries bosses don't get to high-ranking positions through privileged connections or gratuitous ass-licking. They steamroll, bulldoze and bludgeon their way to the top with all the subtlety and grace of an armoured tank. Once they've acquired a taste for demolishing the opposition, they're not about to stop. No matter that the office accountant keeps telling them staff turnover is appallingly high.
How to get a pay rise: Ask for one. That should be enough to send your employer through the roof and you through the nearby office partitioning.
There are no pay rises or promotions to be had in an Aries organisation, only demotions. The closest you'll get to rising through the ranks is when you're winched up by the scruff of your neck during the routine early morning office drill for mentioning that pay rise again.
LEO
Unlike the other bosses of the Zodiac, Leo employers are even-handed, fair-minded, generous to a fault, helpful at all times, kindness personified and a great bunch to work for...remember this. There is a protocol that must be observed at all costs in a Leo-led organisation. It's a mutual appreciation society, one in which the both of you agree to mutually admire the boss - "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." It doesn't matter how insincere you are while saying this, your Leo boss will always, always believe you mean it. Like all living legends, when they're not puffing their chests out and banging on about their brilliant corporate takeovers, Leo employers will occasionally let you speak and provide you with counsel.
All this posturing and preening makes you wonder how the hell Leo bosses get any work done. They don't. They hire you to do it for them, then take the credit for all your brilliant ideas. Bosses will steal your thunder. Leo employers will take it one step further and claim they invented it.
How to get a pay rise: Grovel sycophantically. I can't believe I'm standing here in the same room, breathing the same air as such an esteemed person as you. Can I have a 20% pay rise please?