both taken, confusion

I feel I will probably be hated for this post. I am a Taurus female that has fallen head over heels for a cancer male. I met him four months ago and contacted him about business and to inquire about personally purchasing some of his art as well. We quickly developed an email only friendship. He is extremely intelligent. I always did well academically, but do not compare to him. I do, however, have a lot of knowledge about art that he does not have. As time went on he told me how much he trusts me, and how he trusts no one. Yet, he still held a lot back and completely ignored half the questions I asked him. I started to feel myself falling for him. The problem is I am married and have been with my Capricorn for about 14 years. We have 3 young kids. He is not married, but I assume engaged (he has always avoided any questions I have asked about this). I am blunt and truthful and have tried to push him away. I even told him I was trying to push him away. He was not having it. About a month ago he had not emailed for about a week. I had sent several emails with no response. Then, he sent an email. By the time I saw the email he had sent 4, including a deep appology and a plea that he hoped he had not lost me due to his negligence. I responded that there was no problem, blah blah blah. He had been drinking and sent a super revealing email about his life, insecurities, just a ton of things I know he never speaks about. We both exchanged emails about how attractive we find each other, which we had never done before. We sent the emails at the same time without seeing what the other wrote first. For a few days prior I had been thinking about a free psychic I had talked to in high school. She had told me a few things and all had come true except for one thing. She told me a man with his first name and last initial would be the person who would love me more than anyone else. I made a mistake and sent him an email telling him I have feelings for him and that it kills me that I cannot act on it. I told him I know he has someone that he most likely loves. I then admitted that I have been on the verge of divorce for almost two years. He kindly let me down saying that he fdes not want to be the reason for any man's pain, that he is in love already and that he hopes we can still keep our friendship because he would not want to lose me. I said thank you for that response, it was quite perfect. But his emails slowed down. My husband knows what happened and there has been ev

Too long : even more strain. Emails slowed, then his stopped for over a week now. I feel sure he liked me. He is long distance, so chances are it could never happen anyway, but my tears will not stop. I do not expect any sympathy, but I would like to undrrstand

Really sad. But it's probably for the better if it was long distance. Why don't you try to give your marriage a chance? Why complicate your life further? Maybe he was a venus in gemini , probably a tease.

What right do I have to judge you, based on what you wrote?

It is clear, first and foremost, you are not happy in your marriage and/or feeling unsatisfied. You are/were vulnerable, susceptible any attractive man's attention, anyone who would find you attractive.

My recommendation is to terminate all contact with the Cancer man. If you have an affair with this man, I do not think you even have a clue what a disastrous roller-coaster of a ride you would be on. You will be tormented emotionally, wondering how, why you got on this roller-coaster and be begging, wimpering to get off of it.

Sure, it would probably be very exciting at first, but it will gradually dissolve into a nightmare, destructive and all around toxic.

As of now, go to counseling with your husband. At least try to fix this marriage first, give it your best shot. If the marriage doesn't work out, at least you know you did the best you could.

In the meantime, close the door on that Cancer man. You are not available. Let him go.

Btw, I was attracted to a Cancer man. We were very attracted to one another but nothing could happen between us. The reason for that is because I was/am married, and at the time we met at work, I was not happy in my marriage.

He was so sweet. It was tempting.

I had to terminate all contact with him. It was so painful. It still is, but not as painful the first two years. Last time we had contact was four years ago. I still think of him, and I really do hope he is doing very well.

Thank you for all the feedback. Unfortunately it is not up to me whether we have contact. It is all him. I am trying to give my marriage a chance, again. Something has to give soon though. I cannot be unhappy forever. What makes me sad is I am very willing to just be friends with this cancer. He expressed that he wanted the same, and then was gone with no word. I gain so much intellectual stimulation and too many different outlooks on life to want to give that friendship up. I regret sharing my feelings with this man so much because our friendship meant more to me than any romantic feelings I was harboring. Sigh.

StraightforwardScorpio - are you happy in your marriage now? I know you probably did the best thing cutting things off with your cancer, but you sound like you still wonder what could have been? I just can't imagine giving up yet, at least as far as friendship goes. I wish I knew how to win that back.

Lostbull, I am going to be blunt here. I doubt you guys can be friends. It's too risky, The emotional affair would likely lead to physical affair.

I believe you two had great conversations, find each other stimulating, reality is you two admitted to being attracted to one another.

That Cancer man made the right decision to have no contact with you. Really, is it fair to him to be forced to wait around for you, heart being broken over and over again? He is available, you are not. He is doing you a favor. If he contacts you, then reciprocate that favor by enforcing no contact with him.

Let's say you guys remain in contact as "friends," you mean to tell me that you would not get upset if he doesn't respond to your texts, emails or you wouldn't over-analyze everything he says, writes to you because you will be wondering he's cryptically telling you his desire for you?? Or he is not giving you any indications of an attraction to you anymore? You'd be setting yourself up to become an emotional hostage to this. Don't fool yourself.

In response to one of your questions, yes, I do wonder what it could have been. I know it was the right thing to do, to have no contact with him. Even now, I cannot have contact with him, cannot be his friend. I hope he is doing well and there is absolutely no reason for me to be in his life. He has definitely moved on, which is expected.

Have sex get it over with yeeeessssh

Well, the truth is even though he is not married. He is taken. Living together, baby. You are right I would be an emotional hostage. I am a glutton for punishment I suppose.I guess I am in too deep emotionally at this point to make the logical decision.

And reddmann, sadly if it was an option for me it would happen. You go ahead and hook that up.

This is tragic. You've got 3 young kids and a husband who you give no indication was abusive or otherwise toxic. You should get into couples counseling and see if there's any way to save your marriage and family. This other man is really just a fantasy that you've nurtured to compensate for what you feel you lack at home. There are no guarantees in the game of love. You have to face the possibility that you could divorce your husband, break up the family and try to have a relationship with this other man. And that relationship fails for any number of reasons. And then where will you be? You need to consider the real life implications of "following your heart" and realize you could be making the biggest mistake of your life. There's a family at stake here. And you need to do everything you can to save it and not play with this dangerous fire. Good luck. You're gonna need it.

If you and your husband were already in a rocky place, and you told him about this guy, who you still have feelings for, then Im not sure how working on your marriage is even possible at this point. You are not "there" right now, and how can he be at this revelation? Id keep that in mind.

It is tragic, especially because of my children. It is true that passion is what draws me to the crab. Long before the crab entered the picture I asked my husband to tell me he loves me. He refused because he expresses his love through his actions, according to him. But he had never even been willing to kiss me. Ugh. Crab has not made any contact with me in two weeks now. I know it is better to figure out my marriage without another man in the picture. I would not be surprised if he thought the same thing and that is why I have not heard from him. I would feel terrible to think I was swayed to make a decision based on another man, but I long to hear any word at all from the crab.

We make you bull women nuts,lol. Yeah we have that affect on women. Work on your marriage. But if there is no more passion then pffftttt. If you start going out, have some laughs.Enjoy life with the kids it will be more meaningful. Have sex alot. Put some zing in it.

Hmm, that is an interesting question. It is fascinating to hear that impression. No, not an arranged marriage. We have been together since I was 19, for a total of 14 years. We kissed for hours the first night we were "together" and then he told me the next day, "by the way I hate kissing and I do not want to kiss again." I guess he never liked kissing anyone, but felt weird turning me down at first. We do have a strange marriage though. He knows he does not fulfill all my needs. He actually has encouraged me to find a girlfriend to fill in the gaps, like kissing. It is too bad the one I want does not fit that bill. But, I just feel that I should not need anyone, man or woman, to supplement my marriage. If that is true it makes me feel the relationship is doomed.

u gotta husband @ home your going to cheat on 4 this one guy. wow i feel bad for the cap

Posted by Arielle83
He told you to find a gf to kiss with? This guy sounds like an emotional vampire creep. Does he get to watch and join in when you find another chick? Are you sure he's even faithful?

He honestly doesn't sound faithful.

Wow at him just shutting down, and not kissing you anymore smh.

Certainly, he has expressed interest in seeing me with other women. I feel one hundred percent certain that he has not physically cheated on me. Emotionally, he has had several very close relationships with women. Once he admitted to me he would have married his one friend if he had not already been with me. Women love my husband. But, I sometimes think he wants me to be with women so he can live through me. I do not think he has the confidence to go through with it. He also does not see emotional relationships as being disloyal. He may be reexamining that now that I like someone, but he claims he is perfectly happy if I remain friends with the crab. He is just happy i did not do anything physical. I can tell he no longer means that.

But, my husband is the cap. I honestly do not think we will make it long term. Things will probably wind down and end soon. I have thought of it several times. It may sound crazy, but I know we will remain friends.

Back to crab. I seriously regret admitting my feeling for him because it ruined what was a really wonderful relationship. I rarely find someone i can enjoy like that and he seemed to think the same. I know it seems foolish, but how can I lure him back to be my friend only? I have sent several messages with no reply. None on the last 4 days. I just wonder if he has completely written me off or if there is any chance he will emerge from his shell to reconnect. He told me several very personal things before I confessed feelings. I wonder if he felt offended in some way for me to tell him what I did after he made himself so vulnerable?

You are right. I just can't get out of my head that psychic...17 years ago...telling me his first name and last initial. I try to not believe in such things, but given my feelings for this man. I dont know. I suppose it will pass, but I feel like I am dying inside. I had had such a void of emotions for so long. He brought life back to my soul. But when it starts to hurt, I wonder if it was better to be empty. I at least feel like a human being for the first time in years. I had wondered if I had the ability to feel for anyone but my children anymore.

Yes, he never actually told me whether he was actually engaged or not. I think he was playing games. I can tell he wanted me to like him and certainly enjoyed liking me back. Liked his ego stroked. I had sent him a few emails, the first one asked him to tell me if he wanted me to stop contact. The last, I told him I would not send more emails. I know that it could never be but this whole situation just has me turned upside down. I have never been someone who has ever considered cheating on anyone. I have had to reconsider everything about my marriage and still am. And regardless of my romantic feelings, I am mourning the loss of someone that had become one of my closest friends. To think how innocently this all started

Posted by Infinite8
Well perhaps you should be celebrating instead of mourning? Because of the experience that you had with him, a deep routed issue that was being highly ignored came back to surface. The issue will always exist and get bigger the more you ignore it. Perhaps this is a calling for you to finally do something to change your situation. Perhaps this is a calling for you to finally put your needs as a priority, instead of always following and accepting things that don't agree to your liking (ex: choosing to be with someone who hates affection when in fact you are affectionate).
Many issues are surfacing thanks to this situation. Put your attention where it NEEDS to be and take the reins on the deciding factor of making your life better with your current situation.
Thank goodness he closed the door on you. He just save himself and you more drama and complications. I'd buy him a drink 🍹 for that...

Infinite8, +1000000

Lostbull, why do you want to maintain, prolong this "friendship"? If you were not attracted to him, would you have bothered to come here, post about how you can convince him to come back into your life, just as a friend?

Is it more for you, or for him? It sounds to me based on what you wrote, it is more to meet your needs. And as a way to avoid addressing crap at home, and possibly, subconciously using that Cancer man to help you escape from that reality. The reality of being with a husband who sounds like he is not emotionally available. Possibly narcissistic. So your husband doesn't mind you having a close, sexual relationship with a woman--it's fine as long as it's not with a man?? That sounds quite twisted. And it sure doesn't sound like a healthy kind of love your husband has for you--no wonder why you are thinking of straying.

Has it occurred to you that the Cancer wants to do the right thing by being faithful to his live-in? Has it occurred to you that he may have felt like sphit lying, deceving his current live-in---having feelings for you and her? You'd be a better friend by letting him close you out of his life. Let him fix his drama, don't impose your drama (dysfunctional husband and children) on him.

BTW, the way how you are writing, justifying, rationalizing---it sounds like you are addicted to this relationship. Go cold turkey. Once you recover, you should be able to think more clearly and logically.

Posted by LostBull

I am mourning the loss of someone that had become one of my closest friends. To think how innocently this all started

Many of these relationships start off innocently. But I believe a person has to question how two people get too close? To be frank, I would never allow myself get too close to a male, especially if he is close in my age and has similar interests, passion. Why frequently text , talk with a man who is not my husband? The only people I will only text , talk on phone with is my close (female) friends, sister and work colleagues.

Anything else is opening door to trouble, drama, bullspgit. Being good friends with guys was okay for me when I was in high school, college---but as I got older, it got weird.

You guys are all so right. Addicted to him - yes! Last night I read some of your responses and broke down. I realized I should be working on my marriage, no matter the issues we have. I started crying, hard. I fell into my husband's arms. And when I started to tell him my feeling and apologize I became totally distracted. My husband started yawning and cracking his neck. It was as if he was bored and disinterested on what I had to say. I was totally ready to recommit, I felt terrible. My husband even tried to help me figure out why this guy does not want to be my friend anymore. His response, "did you try to email him?" Why would he do that? Why would he want us to be friends? He told me I will never be happy with him and that I am self destructive (that seems true). He gave me every out to end it, but I did not. I have hesitated to say it, but I do love the other man. It does not matter. It probably did just make me realize my relationship problems are more serious. Am I addicted to this man or just addicted to having feelings? I admit, plenty of men have made themselves available to me. It is rare that I find someone I like at all. I am so hard and cold, to break through to my heart is tough. I am sure lots think that they have touched me because I am friendly and come off as fun and funny (but in reality I am not). I am so very lost. I know I have lost the cancer and that that is probably best for him. In reality I know he feels similar to me. The first time i met him, before I had a clue, I thought he was a lost soul. It shocked me that I could realize so quickly how unhappy he was. But he needs to try to do what he thinks is right. Now the question is what is right for me. If I stay I am not happy. If I leave I am not happy. What makes the most sense?

Also, yes I would still want to be his friend if I had no feelings for him. We are perfectly compatible as friends. We have similar interests and great banter. However, if I had no feelings for him I would not have made a confession and we would still be friends. Or I would be wondering how to handle him after he called me stunning, clever, attractive, intelligent, sensitive, etc, etc, etc.

Wow, you guys are make for the smartest message board ever. I have never received such accurate insight from people I do not know, and certainly not from people I do know who are far more likely to be enablers than actually give truthful advice. So silly,but you guys do not know how helpful it is to hear it like it is from all of you!

I took the advice. It left him alone. I cried about it every day, but knew the friendship was gone. I got really depressed a couple days ago because I knew the next day was one month since I last heard from him. I stayed up late and had a couple drinks. When I went to bed I checked my email and had received four emails from him right after midnight. It was as if he was waiting exactly one month before he contacted me again. I would bet on that. Two of the emails were responses to emails I sent three and four weeks ago. Two were apologies for his absense. I am not sure I actually felt they were sincere. I mean how could he leave me hanging a whole monthbif he cared? I think most would say the apologies were sincere, but I have a sense he has been planning these apologies all month. He has had a month with huge life changes, but I just do not understand what is going on. Does he actually care? Why bother now? I know that this will go no where but I do care so much for him and just wish I understood. I do not want to be hurt again.

Your story gives me hope. What kinda life changes? Yea cancers do that sometimes when they disappear they don't disappear because anything you did wrong sometimes it's that their freaking out and thinking too much and trying to feel their way for the perfect moment to say the perfect thing. Then they pop up and get the guts to finally say it and then you realize they were never mad and they really loved you after all.

He quit his job that he had been stressing about for a while. Started a new one. Received a vague email last night that I am pretty sure indicates that the real reason we lost contact was probably his conflicted feelings for me. He told me he wants to continue talking to me about the subjects that first brought us together. This indicates to me that he wants to make it less personal. But, he first told me a few nice things and left one sentence unfinished. I jumped right back asking him to finish the sentence because I did not understand. Now I think I understand that he was telling me he would be with me if he could, but he cannot. He just did not want to say the actual words. I hope I did not scare him away again by naively asking him to finish his thought. It is funny that I think he appreciates and is attracted to my brash honesty and openness, but it also drives him away.

How come you're still confused after he put his heart out there in a few emails? Those things should be clear. You two need to be clear with each other with what you both want and need and what you can and can't do. This love things is rough