How long have you waited....

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missscorp
@missscorp
14 Years500+ Posts

Comments: 0 · Posts: 541 · Topics: 26
On a cancer man who was deeply wounded in his last relationship....how long would you wait around for love? My cancer won't commit but won't go away either...I have showed him he can trust me, I stuck around when others would have walked along time ago...I've finally come to the conclusion its time to make my exit...but something tells me we have something...problem is its not him? I've told him how I feel and if he don't feel the same to leave me alone...he's not much with words but he won't stop contact either...I love my crab and I love me too...how long would you wait for the man you love?
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tiki33
@tiki33
19 Years10,000+ Posts

Comments: 0 · Posts: 10616 · Topics: 40
he's probably a really great guy but you are not what he wants, the sad reality is that so many women are attaching themselves to men that are not ready and/or insecure inside and too immature to not attach themselves to women that they don't want...he's not gone b/c you're good enough for now and having you around makes him feel empowered, in control over you and secure that b/c you love him so much you won't leave and there is a certain level of power that a man has when he meets a woman he's not that into but likes the idea that it's SAFE, she won't leave if she love me more than I love her....Men that treat women this way need to grow up

It's not about him or his feelings or who hurt him in the past, his inability to commit has absolutely nothing to do with his past, many good, mature emotionally stable men have pushed past there fears if the feeling is strong enough for the significant woman in his life so IMO how you perceive his reasons for not committing is misguided.

The question is...What do you deserve? Maybe you feel you can't do better and that's why you stick around with this guy and maybe he can sense that you feel this way and is using it to his advantage, you're literally giving him permission to keep one foot in and one foot out when you accept less when you know and feel you deserve more.

You control your life including your love life...Either accept he's not ready, find other men to date and occupy your thoughts and time with while he's figuring it out or cut him off and give yourself some time to get over it, change your number if you have to stay off social networks and delete emails until you feel ready to be his friend again without all the romantic feelings...That's if you want a clean exit.
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OceanDeep
@OceanDeep
14 Years1,000+ Posts

Comments: 12 · Posts: 2004 · Topics: 22
Posted by tiki33
he's probably a really great guy but you are not what he wants, the sad reality is that so many women are attaching themselves to men that are not ready and/or insecure inside and too immature to not attach themselves to women that they don't want...he's not gone b/c you're good enough for now and having you around makes him feel empowered, in control over you and secure that b/c you love him so much you won't leave and there is a certain level of power that a man has when he meets a woman he's not that into but likes the idea that it's SAFE, she won't leave if she love me more than I love her....Men that treat women this way need to grow up

It's not about him or his feelings or who hurt him in the past, his inability to commit has absolutely nothing to do with his past, many good, mature emotionally stable men have pushed past there fears if the feeling is strong enough for the significant woman in his life so IMO how you perceive his reasons for not committing is misguided.
blockquote>

This ^^^. The one thing with Cancers, and I speak both as a Cancer and having been in a rel with one previously, is that any pressure from the other person pushes us away more. However, if and when we are truly into someone there is no question or doubt left in the other persons mind. We do tend to stick with what's safe, and that includes partners and relationships that have long been past overdue. Also, we do fight for our relationships and for that person as well especially when things aren't good. We need our mental and physical space to work through everything and our emotions, feelings, etc. (just like you Scorps), but unless we are completely done we do come back. He has an attachment to you, which is a good sign, but also it's not beyond us to want to keep past loves in our lives (sometimes sooner but also later depending on what went down) because at some point they meant a lot to us. What tiki said is right...both as a woman, and dealing with a Cancer. If it's too much for you to have him popping in and out of your life, then you need to tell him to leave you alone until you're ready to deal with him as a friend, and friend only. He isn't committing because either you aren't (in his mind, nothing against you, but in HIS mind) what he needs in a partner; or, he feels unsure of you. If he felt secure enough with you, and loved you in the way he felt you should be
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OceanDeep
@OceanDeep
14 Years1,000+ Posts

Comments: 12 · Posts: 2004 · Topics: 22
Shoot, it cut me off lol

If he felt secure enough with you, and loved you in the way he felt you should be loved, but also enough with you as a woman/and partner, he would commit...otherwise, it will stay at status quo until one of you cuts the ties for good on having a romantic relationship. I have to ask though, what kind of committment are you asking for that he doesn't want to commit to?
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missscorp
@missscorp
14 Years500+ Posts

Comments: 0 · Posts: 541 · Topics: 26
@DoubleGem..I too believe in timing...I actually told him that very thing.."Our timing is off"@tiki...he is a great guy & I'm a great girl..the lengths he went thru to prove that very thing to me..still baffles me?I'm 110% scorpio..I don't just fall in love...its not at all a casual thing & when I love I love deeply. He displayed some insecurities early on in the relationship..explained to me how he wants someone he can count on no matter what in the good and the bad times..he said people now a days are so quick to give up & walk away instead of staying and working things out...if you only knew how mant times I swallowed my pride to be just that. I felt the need to show him I too share his belief in that matter so I stuck around...I since have cut off all contact with him because I refused to continue in such circumstances...I told him I've stuck around long enough and its time we both move on..I let him know its hard for me to cut the ties but it something I have to do for me. I basically told him you must honestly think that I will just stick around taking whatever he has to offer...its not how I'm built...I stuck around long enough for him to know and I'm sure he does...I don't do attatchments....and refuse to be his...as much as it hurt I realize I am not the one since he's had more then enough time to determine that and I'm a big girl and know its time to move on...his calls go unanswered his text with no response...I've let it go as hard as it is for him...why won't he? Pisses me off...only shows he has no interest in my feelings or how him contacting me makes it more difficult but instead chooses to stroke his own ego....I know I did the right thing just wish I would have done it sooner....how long would you have stuck around?
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tiki33
@tiki33
19 Years10,000+ Posts

Comments: 0 · Posts: 10616 · Topics: 40
"explained to me how he wants someone he can count on no matter what in the good and the bad times..he said people now a days are so quick to give up & walk away instead of staying and working things out.."

That's a manipulative tactic albeit a true statement...He know if he insert that thought into your brain you'll grab onto it and try to live up to it as to not lose and disappoint him....Quite controlling tactic IMO.

"I swallowed my pride to be just that. I felt the need to show him I too share his belief in that matter so I stuck around."

Try not to get caught up with his words, put you and your happiness first, sounds like you may be losing yourself, losing your identity trying to keep him happy and keep him in your life. He knew you would stick it out, many men play that whole mind game about being devoutly devoted and it works! The women end up trying to convince and prove her devotion when in reality he should be the one doing that, the woman ends up putting herself in a very unattractive weak position and she wonders why her man isn't budging, he doesn't have to as long as she's willing to continue to prove her deep devout love and devotion, he can lean back and do next to nothing on an emotional/mental level.

"I've let it go as hard as it is for him...why won't he? Pisses me off."

Good for you for making a hard but necessary choice, he won't let it go b/c the person being dumped has LOST ALL CONTROL over the other person, sometimes it's about his ego, sometimes it's about missing what he can't can't have anymore, sometimes it's about feeling the pain of losing and his attempts to salvage his ego, sometimes it's about the thrill of the chase, it's a number of reasons why they won't leave, immaturity playing a huge part in that, a commitmentphobic man can't commit to staying and he can't commit to leaving so he'll call and call and call only to revert right back to his old behavior once the woman gives in and allow him back in, I can almost guarantee if you go back to him he'll still be on that same wishy washy BS after about 2 weeks of honeymooning.

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tiki33
@tiki33
19 Years10,000+ Posts

Comments: 0 · Posts: 10616 · Topics: 40
"how long would you have stuck around?"

The person I am now I wouldn't stick around but the person I was in the past would have held on for as long as possible, maybe a year no more than 2 years, I used to be a real sadomasochistic person back in the day lol

You can still date other men misscorp, it's better than brooding around and being down...Don't waddle and dwell on him for too long, life goes on... Pick yourself up and keep going.

He'll be back but don't take him back until he's sure that he really wants to give it go with you, don't settle for less unless you want less.
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missscorp
@missscorp
14 Years500+ Posts

Comments: 0 · Posts: 541 · Topics: 26
@tiki...thx for the post...its all true and I know it! I'm generally the one giving advice to all my friends..they come to me and I say those very things to them...its so diffrent when it comes to me...I can't even folllow my own advice...everyone always perceived me to have control of situations and generally I do...this whole crab makes me feel so out of control,its the first time ever in my life I'm not the driver so to speak and have allowed my self to take a part time back seat position...he called me again yesterday in the day time and in the evening....it makes it very hard for me...I know what I have to do, mentally I know its the right thing...my heart is still on another page...😢 everything you said are thoughts I have I just been choosing to ignore them 😢
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pr_princess
@pr_princess
17 Years

Comments: 0 · Posts: 223 · Topics: 16
Can someone help! I've been trying to create a new topic but it's not allowing me. Here's my story...

I have a tendency to say things without thinking. He indirectly called me his girlfriend. I think. He got upset when I kinda had a meeting happen during our time together. I texted him next day to apologize and all I got was "It's fine" ... So I took as that he's upset with me still. He went away for the weekend, with a friend, not sure who we never talked about it and that was that. It was his birthday so I just sent him a text and he responded with Thank you. I always give him space when he needs it. We've only been together for 2 months and I feel like I'm pushing him away because I'm so untrusting. I know I have no reason not to but our communication is left to texting and seeing each other once a week. Sometimes I want to her his voice. He texted me the night he came back and net morning. then I got busy so I didn't respond until I called him later at night to talk about the weekend. The conversation was a bit awkward but he texted me next day to make plans to do something but I left my phone at home and texted him at night that we should do something on the weekend.. He never responded. Two days later he sent me a cute message, I responded that I missed him too. At end of day I asked him when we were doing this weekend and he never responded until the following morning he said he wanted to get a hotel that evening. It hit me the wrong way because he knows I'm uneasy about it. I've had so many guys just want sex and nothing else and I have this tough wall up when it comes to it. He hasn't officially called me his girlfriend so I feel unsettled but since we never talk I don't know how to discuss this with him. So I sent him a stupid response that I had plans and if he wanted he could go find himself a girl who likes hotels. He never responded. I call him to talk later he ignored my call on the second ring. Never responded to my message. I feel so bad about it. I don't know how to fix it. Please help. Should I just wait for him to come to me or explain myself?
I don't know what to do.
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tiki33
@tiki33
19 Years10,000+ Posts

Comments: 0 · Posts: 10616 · Topics: 40
I wish text messaging would disappear, it's so impersonal and cold plus it just creates so much distance between people, easy to interpret things the wrong way.

I don't really see a problem prprincess....I noticed you defined a feeling that created more issues, you assumed he had a problem with you having a meeting during your time with him, I think if you had not read so much into it things wouldn't feel so hard right now.

Stop explaining yourself, you're just making matters worse by trying to convince him and appease his feelings, you can't live for him by worrying about how he feel, cancer men brood a lot and 95% of the time it has absolutely nothing to do with you, let it go, start fresh or this could continue to go on for the duration of the relationship.
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missscorp
@missscorp
14 Years500+ Posts

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A very true statement and I know this....this crab just stole my heart and believe me that doesn't just happen!!! Funny...I had a cancer guy asolutely in love with me and I let him go...he would chk up on me for years...one day maybe 10yrs out of hs we bumped into eachother he said it wa fate...he wanted my number and to keep in touch but I had just reconciled a 7:48:39 PM relationship...I didn't give him my number and I wouldn't take his....for fear of using it!!haha I wanted to give my relationship a fair chance with no distractions...you know how loyal us scorps are! I so regret it now...who know..that craab worshiped the ground I walked on & I walked away 😢