For the past month or two my Cancer partner has been doing the push/pull thing. For the last week he's completely stopped but I'm a bit confused about what's going on.
Last Friday was my Brothers Graduation/parade for his first training part of the Navy. I went along and was so proud of him! I don't see him often and he hadn't seen ANY of his family for 3 months so I figured that day was really important. I had no plans with my cancer and didn't want to be disrespectful on the base so I turned my phone off. Once the formalities had ended I turned my phone back on and I had two texts from my partner a few minutes apart. This was strange for him so I got worried and texted him back. He said he wanted to come spend the day with me (he was really sick and I guess just wanted to get out of the house). I told him I'd love to see him but I was busy with my brother and that it was really important that I be here. He got moody and it actually seemed like he was trying to make me feel bad because I was busy; I just ignored this and thought it must just be because he was sick. I told him I won't be long, I will be home soon and I will text him then. An hour later I got home (I cut off the plans I had for the day) and told him he could come over now. This was at 12pm and I didn't hear from him til around 5 or 6. He said he had fallen asleep. I explained to him that I was quite hurt about this because it was a special day and I had changed my plans to come home but that it wasn't his fault. He felt really bad and I tried to comfort him and let him know it was my decision to come home and he didn't need to feel bad about it.
He ended up coming over that Saturday. He didn't speak a word to me when he walked in except for how much he disliked my dog for barking. It was like he had walked into HIS house and I was just an ornament on the wall or a shelf. After a while he got over it. He was still moody but again I put it to him being sick and I could tell he was trying to keep his moodyness to himself. I appreciated that he had come over.
So THIS Friday night I get a call at 11:30 at night. He's at his friends having a few drinks and tells me to come over. I told him I have no transport. He said he would come over in the morning and I explained that it was my brothers last day off from base and was staying here because it was so close. I told him that my brother wouldn't leave until the afternoon. My partner said to just text him in the morning and let him know (ev
(even though I had already told him). I said I would and we left it at that.
Anyway I ended up still being awake at 6am because my brother went to town and got too drunk...he got lost on his way back here and then I had to look after him for a bit before he went to bed. I was so tired that I forgot to put my alarm on. The result was....I was asleep when my partner wanted me to text him.
He texted me at 2pm (I was still asleep) and was pretty upset. I ended up having to spend the whole day apologising and telling him I would make it up to him. He was very short with me and nothing I said seemed to make it better. Now because I was in a similar situation with him last week I understood that I had hurt him but I felt like he was being a bit harsh.
I didn't intend for this to happen and I truly am sorry that it did...but I feel like this is really serious for him. We stopped talking at 11:30 that night and it was still me saying sorry...we didn't end it in a nice way.
I didn't realise it was so important to him. He had rung while he was drinking and made it sound like he was only coming over for 'intimate' reasons. But it seems I've hurt him pretty badly.
I don't know how to make it up to him (I offered to cook a nice dinner and make a special night for us but he didn't seem like he even cared) and I don't know how long he will hold on to this for.
Is there a way I can make him feel better, help him forgive me, and prove that I truly am sorry?
My cancer does stuff like this too sometimes. To me you don't need to be so sorry. It is important for you to see your family and you had a reasonable explanation for not texting him. I get that this guy is extra sensitive and 2 things in a row might be a lot for him but you've apologized and offered dinner (even though I don't think you were wrong) I say leave him to process this and get over it then come to you. If you go overboard with this sorry stuff now, he will do this and worse all the time when he wants to get his way even at times when he fully understands that you didn't do anything wrong but feels that you did something he didn't want you to do.
leave him alone... cancers are very moody signs... i hurt people around me when i am mad... and my bf does too... i love him to death but if somthing is going wrong with my life ( at work at home or if i am sick) i take it on him!!! is horrible what i do.. but i do realize when i hurt him and always tell him how much i regret my moodyness... give it some time.. he will realize is stupid to be mad at you for so long and for something it wasnt your fault... although make it up for him with a nice dinner.. they love that!
You apologised. He can either accept it or he can't. Tell him to choose which it is - accept or not.
The thing with some people is that relationships are a power game - if you mess up they make you pay for it as much as possible, often well beyond what they should.
So you didn't text him. So what? You were sleeping, a natural thing. If he wanted to hear from you he could have text you instead, or called, whatever. When did communication become your responsibility? It's a two-way street.
The reaction should fit the action - he's over reacting.
There's a fine line between being upset and being emotionally manipulative - he's right on that line.
no need to make it up to him...for you to go over and over saying you will make it up to him...already makes him feel like he has all the power and sooner or later he will abuse this to the point of mistreating you to get what he wants...
A man appreciates a woman who stands her ground and doesn't fall to his knees the minute he does a two year old temper tantrum !!
They start disrespecting or losing respect for you the minute you show he is your world and you would do anything for him when he hasn't even done a thing to earn it...
Don't make it up to him because a missed text and then a whinge from him after it doesn't deserve special treatment...
Don't let his sensitive softy side fool you...a cancer man knows exactly how to get what he wants...prove him wrong by not being like every other woman that's made that mistake [been there done that] ...otherwise you are setting yourself up for a regular habit from him...
I had a feeling that I didn't need to be as sorry as I was but because of the week before and knowing how I felt I wasn't too sure. In my head we were kind of even now...not purposely even but we had both done almost the same thing to each other within one week!
I realise now how I act when something small goes wrong with us and I DO fall to his knees and say sorry over and over. I over do it and end up paying so much more than what it was worth. Don't get me wrong...this falling asleep thing is the worst that's happened in our relationship...so it's not like he's the big bad guy, and I've had my moments too...but I do see how whenever something small happens I seem to give all of the power to him. And now that you guys have mentioned it, I see what kind of consequences that could have for us. I don't think that's what either of us wants.
I think the problem is that I am too emotionally sensitive (moon in cancer) and have trouble holding it back, and he's sensitive in other ways but shows it by being mad or going distant.
Lichii, I'm glad you said what you did. He sounds exactly the same. I try to ignore the things he does in those times, but like I said before, I'm too emotionally sensitive so sometimes it gets the best of me. The words he says when this happens is basically "This is what I do when I'm sick, angry, tired, stressed so deal with it" but I DO see a softer side in his ACTIONS once he realises what he's doing. So it's good to hear it from a female point of view.
Anyway, thanks again everyone. I see I have some things to think about and work on.
Mostly for hurting his feelings. I can't stand hurting someones feelings especially when they are someone I really, really care about. But also I don't like the mood he gets into so I thought saying sorry would help him feel better. I won't be doing that again...unless I truly do have something to be that sorry about.
I think something strange might be going on though.