Just Checkin In

Hay Yall, its been a little while and I'm back just checking in. I think its safe to say the Cancer and I are no more. There was no closure so I won't say it was a horrible etched in glass split, but the communication lines are closed and...*sigh* I miss him but there is nothing I can do about it but deal. Im happy just fine without him, but I do miss the guy. I hope you all are doing well. Peace,Tea.

Hey Sweets,

How are you doing girl. Well, I am sorry to say, that he is a young Cancer and he will be like this for some time. You are just going to have to tame his arse before you let him back in your life. Not change him, you change yourself and your attitude and he will change to fit in with you.

Awwww

Sorry to hear that. He will be back, I agree with Krobe... good advice.

I hope he will, but if he doesn't life goes on. He is one lovely man, but he isnt the only one out there. I hope both him and I can make things the best for one another but if not I know its his loss.

He will be back, I promise. LOL! Not unless he thinks that you are not vulnerable enough or you will somehow hurt him in the long run.

lol I dont know about being vulnerable but I have certainly laid myself before him (in the most self respecting way possible). I hope he does come back but no expectations= no disappointment.

He will come around, give him time to adjust to his insecurities and it takes some time but when he is ready, he is ready. You will not have to worry about anything. Just don't fall into his game and take his moodiness personal, just calm him down and don't make him feel as you are threatened by him being moody and he will open up and let you in. In his life, not completely but you will start hearing things that you have never heard him tell you.

What do you mean tame his arse, bleh. What caused the break up? I'm confussseeed.One thing u said good there krobe a change of attitude is key in a relationship. Okay i remembered that you said he was talking about marriage now to me that is verrrry serious and alot of commitment. It emans he was serious and when we take that plunge we remain fiercely loyal and true that commitment. ANyways it all over now...fuh now bet your bottom dollar with no communication it will take a while.BUt you will meet up feelings come abck yall in love again,lol.

its ok yall. The split was caused by a bad decision on my part to say that we should just be friends when I saw that he was very very busy instead of asking him if it would be any help for him if I took some expectations and obligations off his plate by just holding him to a friendship. He hasn't cut me off he has just reduced his reply to an "ok" and I mean that literally. Im not trying to tame him lol but I think Krobe made a good point about letting him settle his own insecurities because I think that's one of the main reasons he took my solution to our conflicting scheduels the wrong way. It's only been 3 weeks so I'm not saying its completely over just...*sigh* things are moving very slowly if at all.

Girl, I have seen him go into that shell for at least 6 weeks ok? Girl, he will come out and let me tell you without teasing you, but letting you know what you will be getting with patience. Girl, it is so warm, and loving and so soft in that shell it is worth the wait. OMG! He is like the perfect man. Well update, me and mines is moving in together this weekend. TAME HIS ASS FIRST. You change and he will change to fit up to your standards if he really wants to be with you. YOU change yourself.

If you are headed in the right direction, he is going to head in the right direction with you. But, be prepared to show alot of affection. He is very high maintanence. LOL!

lol I see Krobe. He finally had a conversation with me today!!! It wasn't long and it wasnt much but it was a ell of a lot more than "ok" and its a great start to getting back to where we were. I'm excited but at the same time I'm realizing that because he does care about what I think about him so much he is that ultra-sensitive to what I say to him with my reputation for being abrasive :o(, Im starting to think that maybe I could be more considerate and just let him go now before I really hurt him. As much as I do want to be in that shell with him and as much as I want to be the crab and grab on and never let go I dont want to hurt him as I can very clearly see I am capable of. He's definitely pulling me out of my comfort zone and my rather inconsiderate and childish ways of dealing with frustrations and anger. My rising is Scorpio and my Moon in Capricorn...there is enough ice and intensity in those signs to freeze the poor man.

We love our shells. Shell shock bzzzzzzzzt. Yeah when we come out our shells we can show u love that NOBODDDY can show yeaaah baby yeeaaahh. ANd u being a taurus sweet fatale hmmm u will get a lot of loving. BUt besides that the reason we dont like arguing is because no need to at times but all i can say is and a word of warning if u get us cancers maaaddd or abrasive be very prepared for a PENT up emotion. U will be surprised what we show it aint pretty. He may be ultra sensitive because we do take things to heart reason being we feel ... we give our love and time and unerstanding and do not understand why you wanna hurt us when we try to help or listen and give affection. BUt i have realised my self that once i don't give a damn and be aloof or even argue as well with the taurus i tend to brush away the anger but look for the meaning of the arguement.

Thats why im so captivated by him BK. He is quite a wonderful person and he makes me feel things I've never felt before. At this point I might be for satisfied with him releasing pent up feelings than I am feeling like Im chasing him away in fear. I had no idea it even meant that much to him. When I said "let's just be friends" we supposedly were only friends. Of course I dont want to intentionally hurt him and I dont want to stress him out or push him away. This is the most challanging thing I have faced but I want to know him so badly...I cant concede

Yeah, he is very, very, very, challenging. lOL! Very Complex. But, I have noticed you can disarm him pretty quick when he gets like that or if he goes into his shell let him be but you have to kind of hurry up and get back to him and make things that went wrong seem as your fault. Yep, let that ego go and just blame his feelings of hurt on you and still leave him alone. He will come out really quick if you don't give him time to brewd on the negative. But, you have to let that ego sometimes. Not ALL the time but sometimes. You don't have to let him know that you are a softie either.

You're absolutely right krobe, about one thing at least. I dont know about 3 weeks being quick, it seemed like forever, but I do know that there is a lot going on with me making it to be my fault or having to do that. Im really LEARNING in this relationship that sometimes a good point can be irrelevant if you make it the wrong way. This man LOVES my sarcasm and he can roll with it, but he has no tolerance for a direct head-on insult or rejection (or what seems like one). As right as I might have been to feel the way I felt or even in expressing the way I felt I should have taken into consideration how I might most effectively convey those feelings to him in light of how insecure and sensitive he is about my feelings and thoughts about him. Right now I can't even focus on making that point the correct way until I apologize and let him heal from me making it the wrong way. I could pass the blame and put it on him, but I think its better to own up to what I did and correct it. I would rather him just come and tell me how I made him feel so we can resolve it and I can have a better understanding when we do have a misunderstanding, but I realize that is the way I deal with things not the way he deals with things and I have to give him the freedom to deal with things how he deals with them and learn how to accept it and work with it or find someone who deals with things the way I can handle. Challange is the perfect word to describe this.

Yeah, but if you include something like, "that is why i need you to tell me how you feel, so that I can protect your heart just like you are a part of me, I will not use your feelings against you (something to the sort)". Leave him alone and then watch how quick he comes out of that shell.

thats a good idea, I might try presenting it to him that way, because I really cannot protect what I cannot see. And maybe I should rely on intuition and listen more to his actions than his words to get a better idea of how he feels. I asked him if we could spend some time just relaxing and hanging out and he said yes! Like I said definitely not all I want but a great start towards it.

one thing i have learned is that we always evaluate a situation from our own perspective. we see what the other person is doing to us and how we feel and everything that relates to us..we never put ourselves in the other persons shoes to see what they might be thinking or feeling. it always about us. i am so guilty of that so SF now that you have learned a few things i think you just need to be honest with him. tell him you understand what you did and how you might have made him feel. if he is open to still hanging out with you he will be open to hear you out..remember we feel things so if you come at us with guard down we can sense that and will be more open to what you have to say..believe me if you really hurt him or he is mad at you then he would not be talking to you. we hold on the the past but that doesn't mean we aren't resiliant or stubborn and we will make you pay for that hurt. so i think yeah he is leaving the door open so it is up to you to step in cautiously..

thank you cansir, Im taking my time to do that now.

i totally agree merc..lol

yes take your time. what most people fail to realize is that most decisions don't have to be made at that exact moment..time is key here..

lol Im SO glad to read that someone else knows about the 3 week deal. lol I'll trust you since you have the experience. Im sure he was thinking about me, I dont think I really gave him a chance not to...Im just wondering what he was thinking lol.

Sweetest, He is thinking about how much he misses you, and whether you miss him as much. What you are doing, who you are doing it with and whether it is different/better that when you are with him. He may have still been mad at you during that 3 weeks, but internally if you touched him, he couldn't help but think about you.

That is why although he was upset; he still spoke to you, even if only to say, "OK" when you talked. When a cancer has slammed the shell closed on you, you will not be able to crack or penetrate it. He has the shell slightly ajar for you now.

if he asked I would tell him the answer to all of those questions in his mind. I had an epiphany last night while I was journaling, him and I are opposites with the love language department. His love language is physical touch and quality time and my love language is words of affirmation and quality time. So while Im spending the time talking about it, he's spending the time touching around it. Since he doesn't give me words to reassure me how he feels I sometimes interpret his touch to just be sex instead of love and because I don't touch him as much he might take my words to just be lip service and not words of love because I dont touch him as much and sometimes keep him from touching me (not intentionally because I would always touch him if I could I just don't know whether he wants me to touch him or if I would be smothering him). I pulled away because I felt like I wasnt getting quality time and words of affirmation but maybe he felt like I was pulling away from spending time with him and letting him touch me.

lol good thing one of us tries to consider things from the other point of view huh cansir

Well, I remember the 3 week shell hiding days. LOL! Now, what until he starts getting attached to you. If you don't pick up your phone 1 time, or answer any of his calls. OMG! You better watch out he can get furious. LOL! Now, he does 1 day shell hidind but boy when he comes out will get hollered at like you stole his money.

I meant you will get hollered at like you stole his money. Don't ignore him or you are going to pay.

I could never ignore him. lol Maybe I should practice ignoring him when he upsets me or would that be just as bad as going off on him?

Well it may do you some good to actually ignore him. LOL! Ignore him and then throw him a line saying something like " I am not ignoring, but I will not bother you either, I don't want you to feel like I am pressuring you, I will just give you some time to come around. DON'T CALL and see how quick his ass doesn't come out of that shell.

Im thinking more about it Krobe. Im actually talking to a guy friend, funny he's a Leo and he's saying I need to make him step up and act like he really wants me, all this accomodating his closed mouth policy isnt going to make things any better. And I know you've been saying that a while but it just finally clicked. I finally really realize that this Cancer guy IS emotionally immature. He SHOULD consider how I feel about things and he SHOULD be willing to drop the shyness and nervousness and just tell me how he feels. He's got to step it up if he wants to keep it....and I think Im going to make him.

Yeah, but it will take him awhile to open up. You have to make him feel safe enough to open up to you. Just let him alone for now. Tell him I need you to tell me how you feel, so that I can protect your heart, if you don't tell me, I will not know what I am doing wrong. He will start checking you real quick when he becomes comfortable. Expect to get checked, OK!

Yeah I know its going to take time krobe and he's already told me I wouldnt be waiting in vain...problem is I haven't even started waiting. I think when I change my expectations my expectations will change my expressions and my expressions will help him to see that I expect and will not settle for less than I expect. I know he is well capable of meeting those expectations if that's what he wants to do. Its immature for him to say he understands those expectations but does little to actually meet them and that's what caused the whole "let's just be friends" situation. He knew, he expressed, that I needed more than what he was giving me and he said he would give me more, but when it came to making it happen it was just too hard. That's unacceptable. I was accomodating that by expecting less when I should have been like "if it's worth it to you you'll make it happen".

Merc Im not at all insensitive to those sentiments, but are you implying that its not possible that Im scared or shy too? I can tell he is shy and I can tell that he is ofen holding back, as I have done at some points in our relationship...the difference is that I have also told him that I feel he is worth me moving beyond my confort zone to do what needs to be done for this to work with us. Honestly, I dont think he's done the same.

Point blank Im not going to get caught up in a relationship where I overcompensate for the lack of initiative and effort by my partner. I've more than met him half way and I expect that he can do the same for me.

HE WILL MEET YOU HALF WAY! Just give it some time for him to feel comfortable with you. He will feel comfortable with you when you allow him the created "space". He will understand that you are not rushing him and he will realize that you know love takes time and patience. I am telling you, let him stay in that shell some because once he decides that you are the one, girl he is very possessive.

PS,
And he gets very confrontational if he feels as if you are lacking on YOUR behalf of meeting him half way.

Thanks Krobe, I'll remember that lol.

Listen to krobe, rather than Merc. She knows what she's talking about.



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what da hell i'm LOST like the series. MAN when is that series gonna end how long they can stay on dat damn island and the disappearing rabbit in that dirpa experiment. Sweetest FATale wha da? NO wonder he in his shell u are confusing and u are sorry to say giving mixed messages is either u in or out ,friends may work but do no t expect say hi and get loving words . Nevvvveeeerrr play with our emotions.

whoooaaa now reading the whole thng wait a sec.... u see dat is why u in dat situation as a matter of fact i see that a trend for some taurus women ... when they see a lil fault in a relationship or they don't get what they want at times the whole "let's be friends". We can be verrry firm what we want us cancers but it is not all about you at times ,LEmme ask a question answer truthfully now sweet fatale.U love him right? Both of you understand that you have different goals in life what is it that u want him do? Is he that shy or nervous that he not showing he does not want to be with u? that sounds sketchy. If it is so and u said he can more than meet expectations explain fully what are those expectations? IS it that you want to live with each other? Plan a family? or is it something . U see i sometimes think like an aquarian and gemini i analyse and see both sides of the story. SIt down and talk and i know taurans have a a way that must get what they want at times by any means necessary even if they get a no. BUt discuss it and you will see plans unfold. ANd if you are ready for that deep relationship then despite faults you will not run off.

BK I wasnt running off. I was releasing him from any expectations and obligations other than keeping his word because 1. it seemed like he had more important things to do and 2. I was tired of being disappointed. I know what I want from him and I've told him what I want from him. I would never play with his feelings or emotions and I would never reject him. I do know now that I went about things the wrong way but really BK Im sending mixed messages because I switch my messages to meet his. I dont want to be on a love tip if he's coming to me on a friends angle and vise versa...or I dont know where to come from if he isnt coming with anything at all. Ive already mentioned how he is indirect and he has this "if I dont complain about it then its what I want". So I have to basically try anything he might like and wait for him to tell me if thats not what he wants when he could just tell me what he wants....

hmmmmm, let me understand this. He broke promises which ia a big no no with tauruses cause u hold very dear to them. SO if he said no outright would u be dissapointed or look elsewhere who can try to meet those standards. We are notthe most direct creatures because we think first then act. IF we act outright is because of emotions. U still haven't answered the questions though with regards to what you want and its the same thing i was talking about the goals and busyness. Ur time might not match his time and you want to get things done pronto. And i know that about alot of tauruses a lack of patience.Is good to take action as quickly as possible i work in a field that requirtes quick action or else u get alot of irrate customers but with patience u get better results if u rush head on ,things might flop up so to speak. BUt not to beat around the bush when we wnt to give our love and we show it and u know it yet something even the slightest thing u get off center meaning money, time ,goals they are very quick to jump off. especially with jobs seen it happen many ocassions is unless they totally like it with the least amount of effort and nobody says something to put them down then they stick with it for a longtime, if they get any kind of opposition they run off. NOt bashing just fact.

I am extremely impatient. I let him know this but I also let him know that my desire to be with him and his meticulous pace was pulling me out of my comfort zone and I liked that

In life Im working so I can go back to college next semester and get my degree in psychology. I want better relationships with my family members and I want some close friends. From this relationship I just want to get to know him, I want to enjoy the great conversation we share, I want him to show me the world through his point of view because he is really brilliant, I want to get to know him and I want him to let me adore him. I want to see him at least once a week, I want to touch him and be touched my him, at least a hug. I love running my hands through his hair and I want to do that. I want to see his smile. I want to just enjoy him and I want him to enjoy me and I want us to enjoy one another for as long as we can.

Oh and the promises he broke were one's he made, I didnt ask him for them, which is why I dont understand why he was so hurt when I told him not to worry about them anymore. I wouldnt and havent looked for anyone else to do anything for me if he didnt make those promises....he's the only thing on my list, its either him or no one in my mind right now. And I'm not saying that I couldn't move on if things don't work out, but right now there is no backup, no rebound and no desire to find one.

He will come out let him alone for a while. Enjoy yourself because once he decides that he wants you, he is on the chase.