Need Advice on Love Shy Cancer Man

Hello all. I'm new to these boards, but I've read the Cancer boards pretty much the whole way through, and I've seen how amazing you all are with your perceptions and thoughts. I would like to solicit your thoughts on my situation, if that is appropriate for a noob like me.

Last year around this time, I met a Cancer man (Scorpio moon) through our mutual group of friends. He's 52, I'm 42. We are both musicians. He says he is very much a "typical Cancer," and is vastly pleased that I understand Cancers so well (my mom is also a Cancer).

Anyway, I was in a relationship (with a Gemini) at the time we met - one that was just on the brink of falling apart. Long story short, Gemini cheated on me, so we broke up for good in March this year (it was starting to fall apart anyway, due to his inability to commit). Free of a bad relationship, I "noticed" my Cancer friend for the first time. (Not saying I didn't notice him before, but when I'm in a relationship, I don't "notice" other men in that way.) Cancer and I started getting closer - I was so sure he was into me, but either way, we were becoming good friends. Then in June, Gemini got violent, tried to force his way into my home. I was traumatized, and any flirting vibes I thought Cancer had been giving stopped. Two weeks later, Cancer and I went out to dinner - which I was thinking of as a date - but he told me he has been completely celibate for fifteen years. He had been in a relationship with a woman who drank and hid the bottles from him, and who cheated on him and moved in with their upstairs neighbour - while Cancer was still downstairs. He was in major depression for six years after they broke up and came to the conclusion that relationships are not for him. You can imagine how that just about broke my heart. But I already loved him, and I was determined to accept him for who he is, even if that meant letting go of my desires.


More to follow......

Since then, however, Cancer and I have gotten even closer. He is my best male friend, and I am pretty sure I'm his best female friend. He doesn't actually let any women get close to him, but for me. In August, as part of my bid to get him to trust me (and also because he was upset he hadn't managed to win one of my cats over!), I asked him to look after my cats while I visited my mom. Total access to my apartment for a week. I met his brother around the same time - he lives in the same town as my mother. After that, we started to get even closer. Just as a start - the first time I saw him when I got back from my mom's, he'd counted the days I was away, and the days since I'd returned! Then he started saying quick "Love you"s when we were ending phone calls. (Yes, I say it back!)

I am carless right now, so he offers to drive me all kinds of places. We visit at my house often. We love to eat out together when we can afford it. At the end of August, something happened that tweaked my hope again. His brother came into town and I met up with him. He embraced me like I was family, and announced how happy he was that I loved his brother! I was startled, but in a way that made me think, "How did YOU know?" In early September, things picked up again. First, he took me to his house one night when he was driving me home - just to pick up something he needed, but he invited me in and introduced me to his cats. According to him, it was unusual for him to even have a woman in his house. Then the next night, we were hanging out at my place with a couple of my girlfriends. One of them made a joke about wanting to date him, and he gave the speech about celibacy. But he gave me a secret look that was so different from what he was saying, that I just about fell over in my chair. I realized that yes, I do love him, really love him, and the feeling just keeps growing.

Now, it seems to me, we've been getting even closer. Recently, in the face of a rather large disagreement between me and a mutual friend, he was completely loyal to me, despite being right in the middle. He's started "grooming" me - picking cat hairs and such off me. He's allowing me complete access to his house when I'm there. We are fairly inseparable when out at the same music events. His hugs are longer, tighter, and the "Love you"s more frequent. A couple of friends have commented that he is "coming out of his shell," and then looked directly at me, as if I am the cause. He does definitely seem to be opening up. Recently, we both started talking - in the abstract - about the possibility of changing our living situations. He mentioned getting a roommate, then used me as an abstract example. ("If you were living here.....") I followed up a day or two later by letting him know the only way I would leave my home of fourteen years is for a committed relationship (again, one of those "abstract" conversations). Yep, since then, we're even closer.

I have an event coming up this weekend that I am going to be playing at. I was allowed to have one free ticket, so I asked him if he wanted to come with me. I didn't tell him it was my "plus one" ticket, but he's been around long enough to know that's how those things work. Now this is a man who goes out nowhere unless he has to, who doesn't enjoy being out unless he is the one playing music, but he eagerly accepted and even offered to drive me, any time I need to be there.

Forgive the length of this, but I've been puzzling over the situation for many months now. After the speech he gave me about celibacy, it's very hard to believe anything more than friendship might be possible. But I keep feeling this love growing, seeing our relationship growing as we become closer. He is the person I want to talk to about everything. Seeing him, talking to him - these things bring me total joy. I find I've not been able to give up my hope. I don't even look at other men. There is no one else that I want except this beautiful, dear, wonderful Cancer man.

So my question is this: do you think it's possible for a Cancer man who has sworn off women for so long (fifteen years!) to change his mind for the "right" thing?

For the record, I am a Sagittarius with a Taurus moon, but I am not at all like a Sag when it comes to relationships. My need for freedom is pretty much contained to workplace e

environments. I am otherwise very attached to home and I do want a life partner. I believe in working on relationships and have a very hard time letting go of them if I think there is any hope of saving them. I would say I'm more Taurean than anything when it comes to my home and love life.

Yeah. They're suckers for women who devote themselves completely and endlessly feed their need for security. They're known to move slowly, and even worse if they were burned badly by a former love, but often if you keep sticking around despite their moodiness then they will love you for it.

oh this story is so beautiful... i don't know what to say 🙂

Isn't that just Lorelei and Luke from Gilmore Girls?

He'll know when he wants to go further, be receptive to the hints. Let him take his time. Girls don't let me take my time. 😉

More Taurus is always good, too.

Aww, you guys are making me feel even more mushy. 😉 Thanks for posting. I feel bad b/c my post was so LONG!

I don't know what happened with Lorelei and Luke - I think I only watched the first season, and then I went off on an anti-TV tangent. (My friends' teenagers are horrified that I got rid of it!)

I'm pretty sure I have the patience for all of this - so far so good, right? Just call me Ferdinand. In truth, modern, independent woman though I am (and I am!), I crave a good, old-fashioned courtship. But I think my main "issue" is not being able to figure out if there IS a real potential there. I am trying to balance what Cancer man has said about celibacy with his real world (loving) actions. I don't want to get my heart hurt in a fool's dream - I, too, have been burnt before. If *I* felt more secure in knowing my feelings are reciprocated, I could probably wait a long time for someone so good-hearted and wonderful. (Plus the way he makes me LAUGH! Sometimes I am doubled over, clutching my belly. Cancers have a wicked sense of humour!) Maybe it's true that actions speak louder than words, I don't know.

I keep wondering if the celibacy speech is a defense mechanism. It's pretty hard to reconcile with how "lovey" Cancer man is becoming with me. Or with the fact that whatever he's been telling his brother about me has made his brother embrace me like family!

It is a defense mechanism, but it is indeed very strong. It's not just manipulation like people say, it's a need for the other to show their hand and be persistent. Prove yourself, basically. Are you worth it? Will you stick around? Can you go the extra distance when he won't or will you just turn your back because your so-called ego is crushed?

Yeah, I don't watch TV anymore.

this is just too precious

Posted by ninjamu
Yeah. They're suckers for women who devote themselves completely and endlessly feed their need for security. They're known to move slowly, and even worse if they were burned badly by a former love, but often if you keep sticking around despite their moodiness then they will love you for it.

Agree.

Cancers are not fixed signs so what they say is not necessarily final...
Considering ages of both of you and your cancer's bad past experience i think it is best to stick around
and let things flow naturally. Regarding your cancers celibacy speeches 🙂 that might be just call for female attention, perhaps he wants some chase from you...not really sure though...

PS i am just curious ,you guys never sleep together?

Nope, we've never slept together. Don't think I don't think about it! (A lot.) But no.

mr.crabby, it's funny you should write that. His parents have been together for 60 years, and when he was giving me his celibacy speech, he told me he's a real "old-fashioned guy," so I know that's his model. Even during the couple of months I let go of the idea of "us,", I always secretly wondered if maybe once he ("typical Cancer") got to know who I really am, my friends, my life style - that I'm not some fly-by-night - he might re-think his position. I haven't even dated anyone else since my last relationship broke up....at this point in my life, I'd rather be alone than settle for less than true connection, real respect, and genuine love.

Cancer1986LeoCusp, I've heard him say the celibacy thing makes women feel safe around him. For whatever that's worth.

Claire - I do hope you are right! I've taken breaks from all sexual/romantic relations after relationships myself - as long as four years - but I've never given up actual hope that love will happen. But my mom (also Cancer) is a LOT like Cancer man, in that she's said she'd never marry again unless she met someone very, very special - a true friend. (She does not trust men at all, but then, I don't blame her at all, as my father was very abusive towards her.) So I do kind of understand it from the Cancer perspective.

Hah! I just talked with Cancer man, and learned he showed up on my doorstep twice Wednesday (but I was away at a gig). This is new, him showing up unannounced.

Knowing my Cancer friend's old-fashioned tendancies, I am actually contemplating wearing a dress tomorrow night. I haven't even owned a dress since I was twelve, but I've been loaned one, and I may actually do it.

So....Sunday night. Cancer man was driving me home from a jam. I left a handprint on his windshield. We were joking about the "mess" I'd made. I said, "Well, I'll just leave it there and every time you see it, you'll think of me." Cancer man said, "Like I don't think about you enough already."

I think we have a breakthrough. My beloved crab is outgrowing his shell.

You are all so wonderful with your words of wisdom; I think I HAVE been right to stick this one out so far. 😄